AIBU or is my partners ex

[TheSunnyLemonShark]

Just to start, my bonus child has a full wardrobe at our house, coats, dresses loads of shoes at ours so wouldn’t go without.

So we have overnight visits every second weekend sat 1pm-sun6pm and her mum usually packs a little bag for her (completely unnecessary as she has everything she needs at ours anyway) ex refuses to return clothes from our house if she goes home in them meaning we always send her home in outfits from mums as nothing comes back that’s from our house.

my partners ex has started demanding that we wash the outfit from Saturday and dress bonus child in it on a Sunday for pick up as she doesn’t want to pack a bag for her anymore (leaving very little turn around to actually wash and dry it, 9pm bedtime and out the house for 10am Sunday for swimming lessons). We’ve always sent what she was sent in back home with her until last weekend when I forgot to pack her cardigan from the Saturday), bonus child is 5 and we have a 2 month old baby as well so it’s a little chaotic sometimes!)
we do all pickups and drop off (ex moved to a location 40 minutes away when they broke up) and it feels like my partners ex is just trying to make it more difficult.

I would have no issue washing the clothes and sending them back the next weekend I just think my partners ex is being unreasonable expecting the outfit to be washed and dried from Saturday night to Sunday. last thing I want to do it get the baby sorted get bonus child to bed then have to go stick on a wash at 8/9 a Saturday night and get it on the radiators and keep the heating on a decent temp overnight all because mum is demanding it be the same outfit she’s returned in.

AIBU if I refuse to do this?

Change her into your own set of clothes immediately when she arrives on Saturday and on Sunday send her back in the clothes she arrived in.
If she arrives in dirty clothes, you'll have more time to wash and dry them. If they are clean, just iron them - the ex will be none the wiser.
I thinks it's unreasonable of the ex to do this, but you may need to play along until you get the custody arrangements extended. You can dig your heels in about this after that.

She sounds pathetic tbh. She cant really do much if you put dirty in a bag

This is MN, the mother is never wrong, however she behaves. She should be allowing more contact and she should be doing her share of the travelling as she was the one who moved further away, instead of weaponising his child against him.

If the ex states that she doesn't want 'her' clothes left at yours then why doesn't your partner say the same back to her?
Or when he picks up, just says, oh can I have her jacket and jeans etc from our last visit please.

That expression is used a lot on Reddit.

This 100% sounds like my ex partner with our little boy, I’m still packing clothes over a year down the line, but he’s at least feeding him (well his parents are feeding him) without me sending food now and he has some toys there 🙃

Bonus child. That's fucking awful.

The child agreed to it as she doesn't like step mum/daughter. Wtf is the issue?

I think you sound lovely OP & obviously care about your BC alot ❤️

Is the father stressing as much about how to best organise his child's clothing?

Oh please. It’s people like you who complain about dads not doing their equal share , yet don’t think the mum should do her equal share of pick ups and drop offs? And this is despite it being the mum who moved away!

In my experience the court won’t look down on dad for wanting to share travel. It’s costly and means quality time will be spent travelling when he has precious little as it is. Handover time is handover time regardless of who picks up, so dad doing it is not giving him any extra time with his daughter. Many mums make false allegations to get legal aid and weaponise their child against their ex by withholding contact, but this is MN where all women are saints and all dads are deadbeat.

@TheSunnyLemonShark I get the frustration with the coat, which many PP seem to be ignoring. We have the same thing and I haven’t worked out how to fix it. The only thing you can do is get dad to make sure his daughter has the coat upon pick up. I’m sure the ex will make it difficult but if she is regularly sending her child without a coat in winter then that is something to raise in court. I agree with a PP that ex is doing this right before court hearing in order to get a reaction out of dad that she can use against him. That’s a common tactic with these sort of women. Don’t rise to it. Just send her home in whatever clothes and don’t worry about returning clothes to the ex. Ignore her messages about this.

Ive just supported my partner through family court with a batshit ex, so if you want any support or just a rant then feel free to message me x

I see this a lot on American sites: also "Bonus Mom", etc.

@TheSunnyLemonShark you could always, dress her in the clothes yuu have as soon as she arrives and then put her in the clothes on the Sunday. Then no need to wash, it is completely unreasonable to not send her with a bag of stuff if ex is unwilling to send back clothes fron your house.

i’m with PP’s just change her when she gets to yours, then she can be as messy as she likes, don’t wash the clothes if it’s not possible in the time. Buy cheap multipacks of pants and socks, put a clean pair of pants and socks on together with the unwashed outer clothes send her home with the used pants and socks in a little bag if mum insists on having the same ones back otherwise wash them ready for the next visit.

At this time of year I think dad should be making sure she has a coat when picking her up. In fact, if she's not being sent with an overnight bag, it will be immediately obvious that she hasn't got one.

Yeah don’t it’s a bloody awful term to use!

Why can't she change when she gets to your home and then put the "mum" clothes back on when she goes home?

A bit of a faff but definitely worth it to avoid stress. And yes, this is on Dad to sort, not you.

Hi , when child arrives, take clothes off , replace with what is already at yours , when ready to go home , put clothes back on she arrived in , simple .

@KhakiShaker
If the mum has the child for the rest of the 13 nights per fortnight then she is already doing far more than her share of pick ups and collections.
Your comment doesn't really make sense.

Yes mums or 'people like me' can complain about dads not doing their equal share and then also think that the mum should not have to do drops off to his house because the mum sharing those makes it less equal again, not more equal.

Sorry you're getting a load of flack for "bonus child", OP. I think it's a lovely, positive phrase.

Re the clothes - as others have said, as soon as she arrives, whip her out of the clothes she's wearing and put on the clothes she has at your house. Just before she leaves, change her back. Saves a lot of argy-bargy with the ex, and saves you rushing laundry.

So this sounds awfully familiar to my situation as a child. This sounds odd but may save you a tonne of work. Can the child change into (your) clothes when they arrive at your house. Even having a bag of clothes in the car for the child to change into if you are on route to somewhere. Then on Sunday pop (ex's) clothes on to go home in .That way whatever you get up to no washing is required. Just be really wary of ex she sounds dangerous.

Change her into the clothes you have at your house as soon as she gets there and put the original clothes back on her just before she goes home

Sending the DD back in 'OP's' clothes one week and then return the mother's clothes the week after only works if the mother plays fair, but it doesn't sound like she does. So OP and her DP send daughter home in nice clothes, a warm jumper and coat, and the next time DD comes back to them she's in a t shirt and thin trousers, so OP and DP dress her in warm clothes again (buying them if they have to), she goes back to mum's in them, rinse and repeat. It would be a haemorrhaging of clothes to mum's and the DD doesn't even get to wear them again.

Exes - even female ones - can be spiteful and it sounds very much like that's what the mum is doing. Logging a false police report doesn't sound like she has any interest in coparenting for the benefit of the DD. We don't know the reason for their split but whatever it was she's out for revenge and doesn't care how she gets it.

Why do you have to refer to her as yours in any form? Why not just say she is Dave's daughter?

As for the clothes issue, meh. Just send it back unwashed. There's nothing mum can do about it. When contact time is longer, there will be time to do washing.

I’d wash then and then put them in a carrier bag wet for her to take home. Mum will soon realise what a stupid idea it is!

most parents co parent these days with having child so many days each week. Maybe your solicitor could get this actioned. Defo change her clothes on arrival and then no issue she can wear them back home.