Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should we stop DC seeings in laws?

107 replies

wishuponamoon21 · 21/10/2024 13:20

Long story but to make it as short as possible

DH one of 2 children, both have 1 DC each, so there is our DN and our DC as the 2 grandchildren. 1 year apart, the same sex.

Our DC has had one visit since they were born 6 months ago for 4 hours. We live 100 miles away from them.

Our DN gets 6x weeks spent with him 3-4 times a year. They live 10k miles away from them. As I said, 1 year older than ours.

In laws never ask after our child from one month to the next.

All of a sudden they have asked to see our DC in December - as they are coming back this way to see their friends. Feels a bit like a tick box exercise and considering the little effort, time and energy they give to our DC over their other DGC. I feel like saying no. AIBU?

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 21/10/2024 13:23

Are they horrible people or is it just that you feel they don't make enough effort?
If its the latter then I see no harm in letteing them call in for a bit

Bbbhhhvfbxb · 21/10/2024 13:23

Are they otherwise okay with you and DC? If so I would say yes. My in-laws and live at home middle-aged SIL are a nightmare (SIL malicious and tries to stir up GC) so we keep it very minimal.

MrsDoylesDoily · 21/10/2024 13:25

How many times have you/your husband taken your DC to visit them?

Original poster
wishuponamoon21 · 21/10/2024 13:26

Hoppinggreen · 21/10/2024 13:23

Are they horrible people or is it just that you feel they don't make enough effort?
If its the latter then I see no harm in letteing them call in for a bit

No they are also complete dicks as well. I'm NC with them. But I think the lack of effort is what bothers me personally, if I thought they cared for /were interested in DC I would be more than happy for DH to take them to meet them. They wouldn't ever come to our house.

OP posts:
JustTalkToThem · 21/10/2024 13:26

Mad that they don’t see DC, now mad that they want to (just not the exact way you want them to)? You sound like hard work.

Let the kiddo see their GP!

ComtesseDeSpair · 21/10/2024 13:27

When you say “ask after” this suggests that you have a reactive rather than proactive relationship with them. Surely DH has his parents’ phone numbers and calls them, sends photos and updates regularly etc so they hear about DS that way? If he doesn’t bother doing any of that then does that not indicate why they’re showing indifference?

Original poster
wishuponamoon21 · 21/10/2024 13:27

Bbbhhhvfbxb · 21/10/2024 13:23

Are they otherwise okay with you and DC? If so I would say yes. My in-laws and live at home middle-aged SIL are a nightmare (SIL malicious and tries to stir up GC) so we keep it very minimal.

They hate me since we got married but were super nice to me for the first 8 years of our relationship. They are also upset that our child looks like me!

OP posts:
Original poster
wishuponamoon21 · 21/10/2024 13:28

MrsDoylesDoily · 21/10/2024 13:25

How many times have you/your husband taken your DC to visit them?

0 times. Because they don't want to see me and he is breast fed.

The same amount of times my SIL has taken her DC to see them.

OP posts:
YSianiFlewog · 21/10/2024 13:29

Do you invite them round? My parents see more of my DNs and my ILS see more of their other grandchildren, but I admit, it's our fault. We're busy and we don't invite them.

Knickerbockergrolia · 21/10/2024 13:29

Our DN gets 6x weeks spent with him 3-4 times a year

So pretty much half the year?? Or am I misunderstanding?

Original poster
wishuponamoon21 · 21/10/2024 13:31

Knickerbockergrolia · 21/10/2024 13:29

Our DN gets 6x weeks spent with him 3-4 times a year

So pretty much half the year?? Or am I misunderstanding?

Yep. In the last year they spent 18 solid weeks in intervals with him, mostly MIL but FIL too.

OP posts:
Itsmahoneybaloney · 21/10/2024 13:32

What have they done that is so bad that you're NC with them? Explain it here so you can justify it to your DC later in life.

Itsmahoneybaloney · 21/10/2024 13:32

wishuponamoon21 · 21/10/2024 13:31

Yep. In the last year they spent 18 solid weeks in intervals with him, mostly MIL but FIL too.

Show quote history

Because they all get on well I guess? Hardly rocket science.

Original poster
wishuponamoon21 · 21/10/2024 13:33

ComtesseDeSpair · 21/10/2024 13:27

When you say “ask after” this suggests that you have a reactive rather than proactive relationship with them. Surely DH has his parents’ phone numbers and calls them, sends photos and updates regularly etc so they hear about DS that way? If he doesn’t bother doing any of that then does that not indicate why they’re showing indifference?

Edited

When they were born we both were very proactive and then we saw the little, effort and time put in, I personally stopped because they showed no interest. She will message/call my DH about lots of other things but never asks about our DC.

OP posts:
maddening · 21/10/2024 13:33

I think this is for your husband to discuss with his parents.

If it was my parents I would be having the conversation around how little interest they show and taking it from there.

I don't think you should interject yourself in that conversation, just be there to support your dh with how he wants to handle it and protect your dc if necessary- however when they are v young, providing these people are not considered an actual threat, then there is nothing to protect them from in terms of a visit- and building a relationship has to start somewhere if that is what dh decides he wants to try. When they are older it can be hurtful to see disinterest from grandparents I guess but not a worry so much when little as they won't see it.

Itsmahoneybaloney · 21/10/2024 13:35

wishuponamoon21 · 21/10/2024 13:33

When they were born we both were very proactive and then we saw the little, effort and time put in, I personally stopped because they showed no interest. She will message/call my DH about lots of other things but never asks about our DC.

Show quote history

How were you proactive with them if you were NC?

Original poster
wishuponamoon21 · 21/10/2024 13:36

Itsmahoneybaloney · 21/10/2024 13:32

What have they done that is so bad that you're NC with them? Explain it here so you can justify it to your DC later in life.

They ruined our wedding and honeymoon.

She stalked me when I was pregnant.

She has been rude, said horrid things and manipulated me to high heavens.

Gaslighted me when I tried to discuss and resolve things.

Calls my DM by my husbands ex girlfriends name on purpose.

Lies about me to others.

Just a few things.

OP posts:
Original poster
wishuponamoon21 · 21/10/2024 13:36

Itsmahoneybaloney · 21/10/2024 13:35

How were you proactive with them if you were NC?

Show quote history

I tried to extend an olive branch due to our DC. I have since stopped contact but DH has not.

OP posts:
Pyroleus · 21/10/2024 13:37

Well it's really your DH's decision whether he meets them with or without the DC (unless this particular visit will be actively harmful for them). I assume he's asking for your opinion?

If I was your DH, I would ask my parents directly what it is they want from their relationship with me (their child) and what kind of relationship they want with their grandchildren. Depending on their answer I'd decide.
"We want to see GC occasionally, just when we're in the area anyway." = No thanks, that'll be confusing for the GC as they grow older.
"We want a full and regular relationship with you all, but feel we've grown apart and don't know how to mend it." = Okay, let's discuss what both sides need to do to build a better relationship and meet more regularly.

Motnight · 21/10/2024 13:38

Doesn't sound as though your child would benefit from knowing their grandparents at all to be honest

PheasantPlucker24 · 21/10/2024 13:40

Itsmahoneybaloney · 21/10/2024 13:32

What have they done that is so bad that you're NC with them? Explain it here so you can justify it to your DC later in life.

Why are you acting like that’s a novel challenge for OP? Obviously if you go NC it’s for a reason and you think ahead to those situations. Not the ‘gotcha’ you think it is!

MrsDoylesDoily · 21/10/2024 13:40

It sounds like this is a decision for your husband to make once you've finished breastfeeding.

Does he want to take them to see their grandparents?

Mrsttcno1 · 21/10/2024 13:42

I’d leave it to your husband, if he is happy to meet them with DC for a bit while they are there then I can’t see a huge issue with it.

We have a difficult relationship with my in laws now (different causes but same outcome, they never ask after our child, never ask to see her) but we have always said that if & when they do ask to see her, which they have maybe twice in the last 6 months, we say yes and allow that. Kids aren’t stupid and as they get older they will grow up and wonder/ask why they only seen gran twice a year- when that time comes I would rather be able to say in an age appropriate way that it’s their choice not to come, rather than that we stopped them from coming.

PestoPastaChaChaCha · 21/10/2024 13:43

Your DC is a breast fed baby of under 6 months? Have I understood correctly? If so, then how on earth can the Grandparents push contact or show interest when you the breast feeder are NC? They can hardly take the baby for any period of time. Maybe they think December when your DH is around they can manage a visit as he will be home? A 6 month old baby is totally different to an 18 month old who can be left without a parent with Grandparents. You’re not comparing like with like.

Original poster
wishuponamoon21 · 21/10/2024 13:44

Yes he has asked me as DC is still small plus his parents behaviour towards me has been horrendous.

I would be more than happy for them to see DC if they demonstrated they actually cared about his existence. My DH will probably offer to meet them if they're in the area. However, has said he thinks he will say he doesn't feel its appropriate they see DC given the circumstances, when/if they ask again.

OP posts: