Should we stop DC seeings in laws?

[wishuponamoon21]

Long story but to make it as short as possible

DH one of 2 children, both have 1 DC each, so there is our DN and our DC as the 2 grandchildren. 1 year apart, the same sex.

Our DC has had one visit since they were born 6 months ago for 4 hours. We live 100 miles away from them.

Our DN gets 6x weeks spent with him 3-4 times a year. They live 10k miles away from them. As I said, 1 year older than ours.

In laws never ask after our child from one month to the next.

All of a sudden they have asked to see our DC in December - as they are coming back this way to see their friends. Feels a bit like a tick box exercise and considering the little effort, time and energy they give to our DC over their other DGC. I feel like saying no. AIBU?

In light of your DH being on the same page... I would just say to him that you support his decision fully, whatever he decides.
If he wants to take the baby to meet them locally, he can do that between breastfeeds easily enough. Occasionally seeing grandparents who don't care much won't hurt DC at this age. Worry about long term effects once they're old enough to understand and remember their grandparents.
If he doesn't think it's a good idea to bring DC until such time as his own relationship is stronger with them, I'd support him with that too.

December aside, given your usual pattern of contact and the 100 mile gap, your smoothest course of action is low contact. They won’t notice and you won’t feel resentful about them seeing the other grandchild more.

The in laws sound awful but a bit of outside perspective:

10,000 miles is a long way. They are probably making a holiday out of it and staying for an extended period to help with the jet lag. I have family overseas and six week visits weren’t uncommon when people started retiring.

Being NC makes visiting awkward. They have a 200 mile round trip to have lunch with DH and baby or sit in a coffee shop for a couple of hours between feeds. It’s not really a chance to bond as all you want to do out the house is keep a baby that age quiet and settled, asleep if possible.

Asking about the baby on phone calls is difficult as it naturally brings you into the conversation.

They may also have a certain lack of affection for the baby because it reminds them of you. They obviously don’t see you as family, so I wonder if they see the baby as family?

They are truly awful OP and I’m not trying to justify them in any way. I don’t think they can separate their relationship with their grandchild from their relationship with you. So you can either smile through gritted teeth to forge a relationship or let it taper off naturally.

Leave it completely up to your DH, don't engage with them at all.
Make sure he knows that while you support his decison it won't be possible for him to take the baby with him as you are BF her and you certainly aren't going

If they hate you and are horrible to you then why on earth would either you or DH be happy with them being in DC's lives? Anyone who's horrible to the mother is no good for the kids. No benefit at all to your DC to know them, so just keep them cut out. If DH feels he wants to see them occasionally then fine, but why he'd want to when they cut out his wife and child, I don't know!

All your posts after the original one provide the full explanation surely - you are NC with them and in addition the child is breast fed? It isn't a mystery why they are different with their other grandchild, is it?! I'm not saying you're wrong to be NC, I don't know the details, but that is obviously going to impact on them spending time with your infant, breastfed child?

But just to be clear and not fake ask to see him before Christmas to keep up appreances

What's 'fake' and 'keeping up appearances' about them coming to see their son and grandchild? The run up to Christmas is a traditional time to see family, there's nothing fake about that.

You want nothing to do with them - fai enough. Your are still breastfeeding so it's not likely your DH will take the baby on a 200 mile round trip see them for the day.

Your inlaws have suggested a visit in December. No major travel for you, so what's the big deal? Let your DH and baby go while you have a nice peacefull afternoon,

Your H just needs to decide if he wants to meet them or not, and if he does whether to take DS or not, then let them know what he's decided. There's no need for all this drama and over analysing surely? You don't like them, they don't like you, and they're not being any bother to you, so can't you just get on with your life as normal and let a couple of hours meet up that won't involve you happen or not, without inflating it into a big deal?

What solution do you propose?

It doesn't matter when you went NC, the fact is you're NC now.

Perhaps your husband can suggest they meet somewhere nearby, and he can take the baby to see them after a feed?

I'm not sure I understand. You're upset they don't bother with your child or arrange to see them but now they are doing exactly that and you're upset about it. I would host the visit, see how it goes and base the likelihood of future visits on whether it id successful or not. I'd try to take a very positive attitude into the interaction so I knew for sure that if it didn't go well or they didn't arrange any future visits it wasn't because I'd created a problem/ atmosphere. This way I can live with and move on peacefully.

They live 10,000 miles away from the other sibling ie London to Australia but have spent 18/24 weeks with them on 3/4 trips?? Really??

@wishuponamoon21 I just would not bother. What does your husband want to do?

I think this post gives us the answer why they don’t put in much effort. You’re NC and you’re the child’s mother. That makes it unbearably uncomfortable for them. As the saying goes, “a daughter is a daughter for life, a son is a son until he takes a wife”
And unfortunately for them, their sons wife hates them, Which makes a relationship with their grandchild much more difficult. If it was their daughter’s husband who hates them, it’d be different. But it’s not. And you have far more say over the child than your DH does.
Obviously we don’t know the ins and outs of your feelings of hatred towards them, but unless they murdered one of your family then you need to get over your feelings and put your DC and DH first. Sounds like it’s your opinions getting in the way of them all having a good relationship.
In the grand scheme of things, your opinions of them aren’t really relevant, doesn’t stop them being brilliant grandparents. Be the bigger person, make the first move in repairing the relationship for your DC and DHs sake

^^This

Nonsense

They appear to have behaved abominably.

The OP owes them nothing

Honestly, it sounds like they are a bit cautious.
You are clearly not happy with them. I would be wary of imposing myself on a DIL that very obviously disliked me.
I'm not saying your reasons for going NC or disliking the isn't valid. Just that the probably see their other GC more because the mother actively welcomes and encourages it.

Also, I would just think about explaining this to your son later.
"Why does my grandparents never come to visit me?"
We don't have a relationship, they're rude BLA BLA BLA all the reasons.
" So they never wanted to see me?"
Well they did ask to come around when you were 6 months old, but we decided that since their effort upto that point wasn't good enough, we decided they weren't allowed to"

I'd be honest, I wouldn't understand if I were the kid.
Kids are richer for the more people tin their life, not poorer.

So that's it really. Your husband doesn't want to see them and neither do you. Is it guilt you are feeling?

As a non relevant question - I'm really intrigued how they could RUIN your honeymoon?
I'd have to assume they came with you and didn't give you a moment of privacy - how else could anyone literally RUIN a honeymoon?
We spoke to my parents in law maybe twice during our month long honeymoon. 1 - to say we've arrived safely at our destination and 2- to report at what time we'll be back at the airport, since they were picking us up.

I am not sure you have read the complete thread where OP has outlined what they have done/said. But, at the same time, I don't get why OP would have anything to do with them after all that. It makes no sense.

If they are so horrible why would you want them to have close contact with your child? What makes you think they would be nice to them?

If you stopped them seeing your dc I don't think they'd notice 😂
But in all seriousness I wouldn't get involved I'd leave it to your husband to decide how much he wants to see his parents and wouldn't let their relationship with your sibling in law impact any decision making

I et your point OP but nothing is to be gained by your child not seeing them

I understand you have your reasons for not seeing them but it does sound like they can't win. You are unhappy that they don't make the effort to see your DC, but now they are trying to you don't want them to.

It is also not surprising they see less of your DC as you and them don't get on.

Really?

A child who rarely sees their grandparents because they're not bothered?

Don't see what's to be gained

I don't get it.

You say they're dicks so why would you want to spend 18 solid weeks with them? The 4 hours once a year sounds much better!