Should we stop DC seeings in laws?

[wishuponamoon21]

Long story but to make it as short as possible

DH one of 2 children, both have 1 DC each, so there is our DN and our DC as the 2 grandchildren. 1 year apart, the same sex.

Our DC has had one visit since they were born 6 months ago for 4 hours. We live 100 miles away from them.

Our DN gets 6x weeks spent with him 3-4 times a year. They live 10k miles away from them. As I said, 1 year older than ours.

In laws never ask after our child from one month to the next.

All of a sudden they have asked to see our DC in December - as they are coming back this way to see their friends. Feels a bit like a tick box exercise and considering the little effort, time and energy they give to our DC over their other DGC. I feel like saying no. AIBU?

Presumably the long visits to the DN and family are because they live 10 thousand miles away? They are not going to pop round for the day.

Yes and if they can make all the effort for one. How easy would it be for them to get in the car and drive to see our DC?

Have you invited them?

If they’re that awful then why would you want your DC to have a relationship with them? If they treat their mother (you) that badly then they don’t deserve it.

How heartbreaking for your child not to have any kind of relationship with the grandparents.

My mil once called me by husband ex wife's name. I'll be honest I didn't stop talking to her. I just mentioned it to my husband. Next time I saw her she apologised. No drama.

Yes we did, it took her 6 weeks to come and she stayed for 4 hours. FIL went shopping instead.

Yes YABU @wishuponamoon21. Let the child have a relationship with it's grandparents.

But if your baby can't leave you because he is breast feed then what do you expect?
That the other GC shouldn't see them too?
You can't have it both ways. You're NC, can't have the baby away from you but want them to see him?

Exactly!!

How are they going to do that?

I thought you said you were NC?

Surely that means your DH will have to take the baby to see them, when breastfeeding stops?

I'm not sure they can be bashed for not bonding with a 6 month old, under these circumstances.

Would love to read the 'Gransnet' version of this.

Both DC were/are breastfed. She spent lots of time with other DC at same age.

Our DC will still be breast fed in December. So it has nothing to do with how they are fed as to lack of effort/time/energy put in.

Me too. Would love to have some answers

And have you invited them since then?

Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying it’s okay that they haven’t made the effort, but 100 miles away is a 3 hour drive so it’s not as if they can just pop in, staying for 4 hours still means they’ve been out for 10 hours to visit.

If you actively want to foster a better relationship then I’d say it needs to be invites & offers to host on your side, or you/husband offering to do the trip to them so they can see DC that way.

100 miles isn’t day trip distance really.

To clarify. I went NC a month ago and then they asked to see our DC 😂

You want them to have contact with your baby but not with you, but you need to be there because the baby is being breastfed 👀

What's your solution OP?

What's your Husband said to his parents about all of this? And what does he feel about his parents being prepared to travel 10,000 miles to his sibling but not 100 miles to him?

How did they stalk you during your pregnancy?

I'd leave off any contact and let your DH deal with it and be there when they do see the Grandchild.

So have they meant that they would come to your house or meet elsewhere?
And does it mean that they want to see all of you or just DH and DC?

I think what PP was saying was that if you won't talk to them, but you are breastfeeding the baby...how can they see the baby? Do you hide in another room and race back in with averted eyes when baby cries for a feed?

It's a tough situation but you need to take a step back and look at what is actually feasible if you are NC.

Well it sounds like you are completely justified in having nothing to do with them but if DH wnats to have the DC to see them somewhere its up to him really.

You can’t be NC with them and expect them to make as much effort as they do with their other grandchild. It sounds like they are damned either way. If you want them to make an effort to have more contact then pull your big girl pants on and be friendly. If you don’t, accept the status quo. I see no reason here for cutting contact even further.

Ultimately I would only stop family seeing my child if I believed they were a risk to my child in some way.

So one of my BIL is not allowed to see my child, for her safety, and that wasn’t a decision we took lightly however it was a necessary one. We made that decision knowing that we could absolutely justify that to our child if one day when she is older she asks.

The more people in a child’s life that love them the better as far as I am concerned, if that “love” looks like seeing them twice a year then my kids will learn that as they get older and can make their own decisions. At least they won’t grow up to resent a parent for refusing to allow any contact/relationship.

Not heartbreaking at all.

They sound like horrible people you don't need in DC's life. I'd let DH decide how he wants to handle it, especially now while DC is too young to be aware, but as they get older I'd be very wary of exposing them to people who may be cruel about you in front of your child, or who might upset DC in other ways, eg favouritism of their other GC.

They only want to see DH and DC. I only went NC a month ago. So 5 months they had to see him - didn't bother then either. He will still be breast fed in December, so the argument that because he is fed from me doesn't make sense in that context.

I'd love for them to not have anything to do with him at this point. But just to be clear and not fake ask to see him before Christmas to keep up appreances.