Should we stop DC seeings in laws?

[wishuponamoon21]

Long story but to make it as short as possible

DH one of 2 children, both have 1 DC each, so there is our DN and our DC as the 2 grandchildren. 1 year apart, the same sex.

Our DC has had one visit since they were born 6 months ago for 4 hours. We live 100 miles away from them.

Our DN gets 6x weeks spent with him 3-4 times a year. They live 10k miles away from them. As I said, 1 year older than ours.

In laws never ask after our child from one month to the next.

All of a sudden they have asked to see our DC in December - as they are coming back this way to see their friends. Feels a bit like a tick box exercise and considering the little effort, time and energy they give to our DC over their other DGC. I feel like saying no. AIBU?

So SIL is in Austrailia or NZ and they spent half of last year there?

They’re presumably not dicks to their own dd.

But you don’t want to have contact with them. It’s very difficult to show an interest in a baby if the mother doesn’t contact you to invite you to.

I wouldn't bother seeing them in that case. They don't like you and they speak to your DH without asking about the baby.

What does DH think about his parents' attitude to his child?

I get your point. However, at the end of the day, they are child's GPs and likely LT friction if they don't see

Yes!

They do sound truly vile. I would cut contact completely. I can't see any benefit to you or your DC if you let your PILs see your baby.

He's just fed up with the whole situation. But has admitted that that shown they do not care about our child.

It's just a short visit of a few hours. I get that they're a PITA, but for the DGC's sake, let them see her. Take a few pictures of them together for DGC for the future. Your relationship with the in-laws is different from their relationship to the DGC. It sounds like they're not around much, so it's not like this will be an ongoing thing. I think it would be good for your DC to have some contact with her GPs.

Sounds like you don't get on.
All your posts are dripping with bitterness - there's definitely more to it than just not putting any effort in with your DC.

From an outside perspective - when the other GC lives on the other side of the world, you do have to be more organised and carve out time in your calendar so from that perspective I am not surprised they are more proactive in organising trips.

From your side, I would just go LC. All comms come through your DH. They live far enough away that you don't have to see them that much.

I don't particularly like spending time with my ILs. I just let my DH organise stuff - which is inevitably hardly ever. He often says, we must see my family, I will say 'That sounds lovely' but then he never does anything about it.
When I do see them, I am perfectly polite and sociable with them. We then go home and don't see each other for another few months - that's it. No drama.

I get the instinctive reaction - I have two sisters and one of them has shown so little interest in my 15 month year old son that it has damaged how I feel about our relationship quite a lot because someone being self-involved in their dealings with your child is so much worse than if they do it to you, whilst the other has been great. However, I know I can’t change the dynamics that have led her to behave that way and so I haven’t made a fuss and just let her engage on her timetable - my son will obviously have a completely different relationship with one of my sisters than the other and I trust he will be able to differentiate / am grateful he will have one fantastic aunt he will love.

Similarly, I grew up with little family and distant grandparents, but I am still glad my father kept the door open for my mother’s mother to engage (after my mother’s death as my mother had actually gone NC with hers beforehand) even if it was only every few years and she was super flaky/sometimes cancelled last minute. We didn’t feel rejected by that because our grandmother obviously wasn’t important in our lives - but we respected him for being the better person and it told us a lot about the two people - whilst still enabling us to have some sense of our history background.

Obviously it would be different if they are toxic in person with your children - but if so, better to find out now whilst your child is young and doesn’t understand.

Wow that is quite an imbalance then isn't it. If your dc is EBF is there any way of you making an exception once to see how it goes, if they're still awful to you and can't put that aside for the sake of their GS then you will know that NC is the right move.

Nah don’t let them see your child - she sounds like a narcissist and she has treated you badly. Hopefully your DH will be ok with the decision.

So far I’ve understood that:

you are non contact with them
Your baby is breast fed so can’t be away from you.
your DH has never taken DC to see them.
they’ve asked to come and see DC.

i don’t really understand what they’ve done wrong in relation to your DC to be honest. Are they even welcome in your home to see the baby?

I assume that your SIL is the golden child and your DH is the scapegoat?

Don't let this unhealthy dynamic continue in the next generation. It sounds like they are only asking to see your DC now for appearances' sake and because you have recently gone no contact and they are challenging this.

You understandably don't want to see them and as your baby is breastfed, it won't be possible for your DH to take your baby on his own.

You have described what I think is happening perfectly. Yes she is golden child despite being really rude to the pair of them whereas my DH was genuinely so thoughtful and lovely towards his parents before all this started!

Or by seeing them

No as they don't want to see me either lol

While I totally understand where you’re coming from and it sounds like a frustrating, upsetting and unhealthy dynamic in that family, I would leave this decision firmly in your husband’s hands.

Ultimately, them seeing the baby won’t do the baby any harm, you don’t have to go so it doesn’t affect you particularly so it all comes down to your husband and which decision he feels is morally and emotionally right for him.

I don’t understand why he’s made you the decision maker on this - it feels like he’s put you in quite an unfair position. Unless he’s done it because he thought you would be strongly opposed to him taking the baby to see them?

Obviously they’ll be limited in how much time they can spend with the baby but that’s of their own doing by how they’ve treated you.

The lack of effort DPIL have made is definitely disappointing. It sounds to be at least, in part, bound up with the difficult relationship you have with them,

But even taking that into account it does not seem that the answer to their lack of engagement is to say they can never see DC. DC seems to be the loser in this approach.

And your happy to remain NC. I don't see the issue.

If DH wants to see them with DC then he can.

Even with BF I'm sure he can find an hour or two around this or to take a bottle.

It sounds like your DH is in agreement that they don’t contribute anything to your DC’s life and they have been horrendous to you. So surely that makes it easy to say the answer is no, and don’t ask again because the answer will always be no due to their behaviour.
If it’s any consolation, it sounds like they’re lining up to emigrate or something…?

I think you need to leave the decision completely upto your dh. I would suggest that he has a conversation with them regarding their lack of effort, especially since he calls them or they call him and don’t even ask how DC is doing! He should also point out that you have no problem with them seeing dc.
After saying his piece leave the ball firmly in their court, if they contact he can arrange to take dc and meet his DPs at at neutral place. If they continue like they have I’d just not bother making any effort.
Speaking from experience, my dh mother had a falling out with him a few years before we got married, we extended the olive branch and invited her to our wedding but she didn’t turn up (said she was coming). My dh just didn’t bother contacting her again, now from a young age he was actually brought up by his grandparents and most definitely saw them as his parents. Our children have no idea as far as I’m aware that she exists and they are now 18 & 13. My children haven’t missed out, because you don’t miss what you don’t know.

I think in these circumstances they don’t get to see your child without you. They can’t have cherry picking. You, DH and DC come as a package and they have to accept this. I think the best way would be for your DH to use this visit as opportunity for conversation. And I would make it clear that if they wanted relationship with your family they were welcome but it should be respectful relationship and they had to acknowledge their mistakes and to say sorry to you. I’m sure you don’t want them to spend half of year in your house but the lack of care on their side is absolutely astonishing.

Oh come on surely you're not saying the only way to show interest is by taking the child for an extended period. That would be stupid so I assume you didn't mean that.