To not invite my parents' siblings to my child's wedding

[userzerozerozero]

I need to sanity check my thinking. My son is getting married, large wedding, no budget constraints fortunately. Long back story but I am NC with my own sibling and my parents have not been supportive of me over this however I still have a relationship with them and see them regularly. Our relationship is not positive and my MH around them is terrible. I come from a background where family is everything and there is a lot of pressure to do the right thing in terms of inviting wider family to significant events though I have broken rules around this many times in the past.

My mother's brother and family have been very supportive of me through the ups and downs of my decision around breaking ties with my sibling and have offered support and advice when needed while still remaining close with my parents. They are lovely to my son but they are not close with them IFYSWIM.

Now my son is getting married and we've decided as a family not to invite my uncle and aunt mostly at the request of my son and his partner as they want more friends and a younger vibe. Deep down I'm wondering whether I've gone along with this to punish my parents in a way. My uncle will be deeply disappointed but they won't make a fuss. AIBU to just go along with it knowing my parents will be upset and potentially my uncle as well?

Even if you're paying for it, why does that mean you get any say in the guest list? Or anything whatsoever?
It's their wedding, not yours.

I think it is up to the bride and groom but I do think there approach is rather strange. I personally would prioritise inviting my great aunt and uncle.

So basically, your son doesn’t want to invite them because he wants a younger vibe and more friends and you want to get back at your parents by not inviting them and having your parents sit by themselves basically. Your son is selfish and you are acting out of spite .

you should definitely be inviting your uncle and aunt then. You’ll be paying for some next person who might just be in passing in your sons life but snubbing the people that’s have been there for you.

This is not your decision to make. Your son and his wife to be have made their position clear so you "going along with it" is irrelevant. They should not have to invite people they aren't close to to their wedding and you have no right to a say in it.

It is not your wedding, despite you paying for / towards it - you are fortunate to be permitted to invite your own friends so if necessary you invite these relatives of yours over your friends.

Why would they invite their great aunt and great uncle.

Weddings are not "about family" they're about a bride and groom sharing their commitment to each other with the people who matter most to them.

That is often not extended family.

A word of warning. I married my DH in 2002 in the Bahamas because I really struggle with large gatherings of any kind so a large church wedding in the UK was a definite no go. I paid for my mum and sister to come over to join the celebrations. My brother and his family, DH’s mum, step dad and brother’s family all joined us at their own expense. We didn’t invite any friends or extended family to limit the numbers. 22 years on my Aunt is still not speaking to us and it’s split the family in two. For everyones sake please just extend the invitation, they may decide not to come anyway…

My aunt and uncle were beyond hurt not to be invited to my DD's wedding. We tried so hard to get her to change her mind (and we were paying for a large chunk) but she was adamant. My own personal guests were an elderly DF, a single sister and 2 longstanding friends so I don't think I was being greedy with my family (guest list of 120). I don't think my relationship with my aunt will ever be quite the same again.
It's a very hard one, but ultimately its not your wedding.

This is why we didn't have a proper wedding. So much fretting about distant (to the bride&groom, they are distant) relatives.
It's not your wedding. You don't get to choose who comes. It isn't you, or your Aunt and Uncle.

How do you know he doesn't want them there because he wants to have a "younger vibe" if you haven't mentioned this whole situation??

I'm starting to wonder why any parent would generously pay tens of thousands of pounds to fully find their child's high budget wedding, when so many people seem to think they shouldn't even ask to add a couple of family members to the guest list.

Right now I want to give my DD an extra hug for being so thoughtful to me, even though she and her fiance insisted on paying for their own, smaller wedding.

I think it's awful, they sound awful. Sure it can be their choice but doesnt mean it's the right one.

'Younger vibe' it's a bloody wedding where you celebrate with family and those that want to support you. Guess you make the cut as you're paying.

I don't think you have to invite them because of who they are and their relationship to you or your parents, but I come from a family with a lot of estrangements and mistreatment and if there is someone out there who has been kind and supportive to me and not judged me or fallen in line while other family members have treated me badly, I would be inviting them in a heartbeat. Those people are the ones that matter, they are good people who I'd want to thank and be around.

This is awful, I cannot fathom how grown adults can behave like this. Yes a fleeting disappointment perhaps but that's it, move on.

To let it continue to affect relationships is really weird and unpleasant. I would suggest kindly that you are well shot of any relationship with your childish Aunt .

If you know they will be hurt and you want to keep a good relationship with them, you need to invite them. It's that simple.

'Younger vibe' it's a bloody wedding where you celebrate with family and those that want to support you'

They might have just said the younger vibe thing as an excuse. The op has said the groom is not close to his great uncle in the slightest.

Because weddings are usually and traditionally family occasions, an opportunity for family to gather together to share in a happy occasion.

@userzerozerozero: Sorry to raise a dreadful idea, but if your son were to die tragically young, do you think your uncle and aunt would come to his funeral? If so, and if money and space are no object, they ought to also be present on the happy occasion of his wedding.

I don't think my relationship with my aunt will ever be quite the same again.

I’m sorry but this is crazy. A grown adult punishing you because they weren’t invited to a wedding that wasn’t even yours?

Why do parents need a "personal guest list" as their DC's weddings? Genuinely don't get it. Why?

Yeah I find this really weird too. If you're paying, of course you get a say.

This is exactly why I paid for my own wedding, so I could have it exactly how I wanted. If someone else is paying, they get to choose. Same as in any other aspect of life.

There are other extended older family members on both sides that could have been invited and this was said generally.

If it's simply down to the 'vibe' rather than budget or space restraints then I would absolutely reconsider. Sounds like they have been supportive and you'd regret not including them.

Like many others I got married over 10 years ago and lots of the friends I had at my wedding (including a bridesmaid) are no longer in my life.

We just went to a big family wedding where they invited all of the extended family and children were included and it was honestly so lovely to have all the generations together.

You are to be pitied if you can’t understand family ties, and particularly how important they can be to older people and how hurtful it could be to be told, in effect, that you are of no importance at all in someone's life and they don’t want you there to help them celebrate.

as they want more friends and a younger vibe

What self indulgent nonsense is this.