To not invite my parents' siblings to my child's wedding

[userzerozerozero]

I need to sanity check my thinking. My son is getting married, large wedding, no budget constraints fortunately. Long back story but I am NC with my own sibling and my parents have not been supportive of me over this however I still have a relationship with them and see them regularly. Our relationship is not positive and my MH around them is terrible. I come from a background where family is everything and there is a lot of pressure to do the right thing in terms of inviting wider family to significant events though I have broken rules around this many times in the past.

My mother's brother and family have been very supportive of me through the ups and downs of my decision around breaking ties with my sibling and have offered support and advice when needed while still remaining close with my parents. They are lovely to my son but they are not close with them IFYSWIM.

Now my son is getting married and we've decided as a family not to invite my uncle and aunt mostly at the request of my son and his partner as they want more friends and a younger vibe. Deep down I'm wondering whether I've gone along with this to punish my parents in a way. My uncle will be deeply disappointed but they won't make a fuss. AIBU to just go along with it knowing my parents will be upset and potentially my uncle as well?

Agree.
You will all sleep better for the next twenty years if you invite the supportive aunt and uncle, your son's grandparents and your sibling.

Some will decline the invitation.
Those who attend will be hard to see in the large crowd but you will have done the right thing.
Your son's young friends will create a celebratery vibe.

No need for your son to start his married life with mean behaviour.

What sort of crazy logic is this? I have attended the funerals of many many people, including close family members, who's wedding I wasn't at! Strange strange outlook!

I understand family relationships and how important they are to everyone.

I don't understand any Aunt taking it on on the parent of the B&G if they weren't invited which is what the pp was referring to. No need to pity me for that opinion.

I feel like if they're not invited, your ds and his fiancée in decades to come will be absolutely cringing at their behaviour and how they excluded people due to wanting a younger crowd!

It sounds like your DS and his fiancee think a wedding is just a party rather than marking the start of a marriage and the joining of families. They also appear ageist. I never enjoyed raves and discos when I was young, I saw my friend's 92 year old mother dancing at his birthday disco. Age is no definer of 'young vide'.

In their place I would invite older people to the ceremony and reception and then have a 'younger vibe' type party. People who fit in with that sort of thing will stay and the others will leave early.

Awful false equivalence. Yes I've attended the funerals of people whom I hadn't been at weddings or other celebrations of. The cheek of them!

The aunt probably thinks (wrongly in this case) that the mother of the bride didn’t try to get her invited. In the OP's case, she does have the opportunity (and in my opinion the right) to have some say in who is invited.

I see your point, but I was thinking of my own family, where the older members only ever see all the others at weddings and funerals. It would be sad if it was only at funerals.

Read responses over a 23 hour period. At this time of day there won’t be many young people replying.

Tbh I think if they can squeeze them in they should. Unless maintaining existing family bonds ( or developing stronger ones with current members who have been supportive of parents in difficult times and with whom he gets on well with) isn't something they see as important to their future. It seems hurtful and harsh. It lays the foundation of how the couple will interact with these other family members in future and what that relationship will look like. It sets the tone that a distant acquaintance type of relationship is what they want. Of course it's their decision. A younger vibe is an interesting way to put it and seems very shortsighted but fine if all that matters is your same age friendships. I wonder who is next to be deemed too old to be associated with and cut from family events.

I think as it's a wedding with no cost or people constraint, I would ask them to reconsider and tell them how important he has been to you and will be a buffer to your DM on the day.

They are not mind readers, sometimes you need to have a chat about these things.

I made a couple of guest compromises at my wedding (where guest count & cost were very much capped). It meant a lot to my mum, I was a bit annoyed with one of them but now with a bit more wisdom and life experience, I am glad i invited them.

This! Presumably you've chosen to gift them money for the wedding. If you don't want to do that without strings attached, rescind the offer to pay for it. It's their wedding and the guest list should be their choice and theirs only. I know some people are genuinely close with lots of extended family members but it doesn't sound like this is the case in your family, and it's completely understandable that their friends are more important.

Well in that case tell your son it's important to you they are invited, explain why and see what he says. If it's only 2/3 people he is being terribly selfish and ungrateful.

The thing is though, family ties aren't important to everyone. In my opinion, it entirely depends on the kind of relationship you have with the individual. Simply being related to them isn't a reason to invite them to a wedding if you don't actually have a genuine fondness for them as a person

God that’s so rude. Not to invite supportive family members to a big wedding where cost isn’t important? It’s a snub and you know it.

I would upvote both these posts a thousand times if I could.

I got married many years ago and so many people are no longer with us. I was also young enough when I got married not to realise how very, VERY few friendships last a lifetime.

Sounds like the want an insta wedding and happy to exclude older relatives. Nasty

@Ivehearditbothways nails it.

My db didn't invite my aunt and uncle, cousins or a couple of our very close family friends because his dw's family were NC with their own family. I felt really embarrassed as we had no problems with our own aunt and uncle. It also meant the wedding was dominated by friends who we barely knew and I felt a bit awkward. Couldn't you explain that it would be nice for the grandparents to have someone to sit with?

But what did they say?

It blows my mind that a son whose parents are paying the full amount for a big wedding with no budget restraints, can't bring himself to be as thoughtful.

I agree with this tbh.

We paid for our wedding ourselves but still invited some people who we were "not so bothered about" as we knew it would mean a lot to our parents.

She is not childish, just hugely disappointed. We have always - as a family - been invited to their celebrations and anniversaries etc. I was her only bridesmaid, her daughter mine and then my DD was her daughter's flowergirl. There is a long standing relationship that my DD chose to ignore in favour of others. Aunt will not make a fuss or snub me, she's in her 70s. She's just disappointed and I feel awful.

Maybe by 'younger vibe' they're wanting an Instagram perfect wedding. Although IMO having several generations of family in the photos would be lovely.

It's only two extra people, family members who would be hurt to be excluded. Of course they both should be invited.

Absolutely not punishing me or anyone - she wouldn't. It's more the disappointment. I have always been invited to every type of her family celebrations and anniversaries. I was her only bridesmaid etc. I feel awful about the lack of invite. It was just mean

I'm puzzled by posters who say that the OP should have no say over the guest list even though she's paying. Nobody thinks OP should have control over the whole guest list. But it's reasonable for OP to have a portion of invitations to use for extended family they are close to and/or lifelong family friends.