To just stop taking my DC out for the foreseeable future

[Paintedponies]

It’s just always a complete shit show and I’m so fed up by it.

I try to be a good parent. Do fun things. Activities. Days out. Holidays. A range of different things that my utterly awful childhood didn’t have. I scrape and do overtime to be able to afford activities to ‘make memories’ like you’re supposed to. I always start off positive, pick things that are age appropriate the best I can and have supplies at the ready. Yet every single outing ends in tears, tantrums, complaining. Toddlers running off, screaming when caught, screaming in pram, refusing to sit and eat, screaming, throwing and dropping food everywhere, arguing between themselves, fighting in the car. Even free activities like the beach or park involve soaking wet tearful kids being carried under armpits or moaning that they want something…they always want something!!
We even had to come back early from a holiday early recently as it was so utterly draining I couldn’t take another second.

In the house they are easier to contain and I can hide in the bathroom for a second at least. Stick them infront of the TV while I regain some sanity or something equally as bad.

DH and I are like passing ships, barely feels like a relationship anymore just coworkers who exist in the same space. Constantly dividing ourselves between kids. We have help, lovely grandparents who take them for an hour here or there but not all at the same time as they can’t cope so the whole thing is relentless as there’s always one. They are 5, 2 and 1. The last one was an accident conceived on contraception before anyone slates me for getting pregnant again when I wasn’t coping- I deliberately left a large age gap between 1 and 2 so I could manage one at a time.

AIBU to just stop going on day trips. Stop wasting money on days out and just keep them at home until they all grow up enough to behave?! It feels wrong but I don’t think I can take another weekend of this.

It doesn't seem like anyone gets any benefit from these outings so no, not at all unreasonable to stop.

Instead try to do nice things at home, but nothing that takes a lot of effort so that if it doesn't go well you don't feel too frustrated if you have to abandon it.

Painting, make a tent with a blanket draped across the furniture, give them some cardboard boxes for imaginative play, can you put some sand in the garden (doesn't have to be in a pit though easier if it is)?

What is your relationship like? Are you and your husband on the same page of how to manage toddler emotions? Which child in particular is pressing your buttons more? Have you done any parenting classes? The idea of ending a holiday early sounds like something very extreme is going on to me. I have children a similar age and don't experience the same thing. Mine can be challenging for sure, but not every single time in all places and situations.

Could you give an example of a scenario and something with wisdom of older children looking back (not me!) could offer some ideas of how they might have pre-empted it, responded etc?

We don’t do many day trips. Eldest has asd and finds them too much most of the time. He said the best day during the summer hols was one we spent at home. They had a bath in the garden and then we had a bbq.
I try for short outings and try to do plenty of baking etc at home. The first few times is chaos but it isn’t anymore

This whole 'making memories' thing is influencer nonsense. Don't get sucked in.

I have a 5 and a 2, and I think with big fun making memories stuff, the expectations are too high. For everyone.

Smaller trips to wherever is local, or things at home, win for us. If the kids are wet at the beach, why? We're a 60 second walk away and the only time ours are wet is after paddling in the summer. More prep, less making memories, I think is easier. Some of our nicest times are setting up little activities (mine are partial to a treasure hunt), playing football at the park, going to the swimming pool with McDonald's after.

We've only done 1 holiday, just a short stay in London. Had to leave early because ds5 got heatstroke at the zoo. He has that kind of luck. So I aim really low these days, just survival and simple fun :)

Oh lovely, toddlers are hard, but honestly i think your trying to hard, in the nicest possible way. The youngest ones will never ever remember the fun stuff you are doing, the eldest - maybe at a stretch.

Weekends at home are fun, stop putting so much pressure on yourself. Does your eldest do any activities? My DS did football at that age, my DD at that age does dance and drama. Take it in turns between yourself and DH to take the eldest. Some time away from the young ones.

Save the expense until they will actually remember

I’d do stuff with the 5 year old and leave the small ones at home.

There is a difference between what the 5 year old needs and what the 2 and one year old need. Given you have a DH and involved grandparents, I would try to organise for the 5 year old to get out for one activity at the weekend whilst someone stays home with the little ones

Thankyou all of you!

None of the DC are terrible but together it’s just too much. It’s silly little behaviours I can’t seem to control. Mainly the smaller two. DH gets very frustrated very easily, I tend to try and salvage the situation but it ends up with them getting more and more screamy and angry until I give up too. I usually have both kicking off at once so tend to split them up one to each adult.

So for example the smaller two just run off constantly unless they are restrained. They won’t listen, stop and tend to go in opposite directions. We’ve tried everything and the only thing that works is physically restraining them (with straps or prams) but it means that doing anything means you don’t have a free hand. Even eating involves them slipping out of chairs if not strapped in, or screaming blue murder if they are, and just running so you have to abandon your meal to grab them and it’s just so stressful and embarrassing. I’ve tried taking them home every single time but it means we always go home after 2mins as they both do it so the other one gets angry.
This was one of the reasons we left the holiday, that and the crying about everything. Didn’t like the boat, didn’t like the rides, wouldn’t sit and eat, wouldn’t sit in pram without WW3…honestly just everything it was awful.

Nursery don’t have a problem with them so it must be my shit parenting. The 2yo is way ahead of all milestones and has nothing reported, the 1yo is also hitting everything they should be. No signs of SN. They do run from grandparents too.

The oldest is generally well behaved apart from moaning and wanting things constantly. Pretty normal stuff considering his time is also ruined. We do nothing together with him (or eachother) because of the younger two.

I tend to keep them at home during the week. I work nights so have them during the day (they only get 15hrs childcare) so I let them play and try and do crafts which entertain them for 5mins and then they turn it into something crap, covering themselves in paint or whatever. They play in the garden but it’s huge and it involves me sitting outside freezing watching them as I can’t see them from the house. My house is trashed, they seem to delight in ruining things and I’ve given up constantly trying to fight fires. My relationship also feels dead because we are both so tired and miserable.

Is this just what it’s like?

Thank you. Maybe I do expect too much. I imagine lovely trips like everyone else, why are my kids the only ones going wild all the time. Maybe I’m just crap!

We also live on the beach. They won’t listen, they make a beeline straight for the waves and have to be carried away. Put them down they run straight back. And repeat over and over until I give up and come home!

You must be absolutely knackered. Working nights and looking after children in the day.

You are doing amazing to be functioning at all.

Definitely don't put more pressure on yourself.

Divide and conquer. You have one child and then husband has the other two and then swop.

Toddlers are bloody hard work, and you have two of them.

Just be really proud that you are keeping them all alive.

My DC does football too. He doesn’t go with either of us though as we don’t have the time, so he goes with grandad. As I’ve had the babies all week alone I don’t want to be left alone with them and DH also hates being left alone with them. He will do it but he’s so grumpy afterwards it’s not worth it for me. I need to try and do this for older DC though your right.

It makes me sad that I can’t do right by all of the children but honestly there too many of them, im totally outnumbered 😬

A few years time, when they are no longer toddlers, can sit, look after their own bodily functions and feed themselves then there will be oodles of time for magic memories.

One under 5 at the beach is stressful, let alone three of them!!

And yet again this is a husband problem.

He chose to have three children. Tough if he finds it hard work and is grumpy. He needs to step up and parent.

I have three with those age gaps - when they were those ages I felt like I was constantly on the verge of tears when we were out. It’s really, really full on. It gets so much better - you are at the most intense phase as you can’t reason with the little ones. Mine would run off in opposite directions and I’d have to choose which one to save first. I used a wrap sling for the youngest for quite a while which helped. I think it also helps to just accept it’s just a lot and most of the time it’s going to feel like chaos. Don’t compare yourself to others or the image in your head of what it should be like. They are designed to be tiny destructive whirlwinds and no human is going to be able to coax them into not being so don’t let yourself feel like a failure as that makes it so much worse.

Sounds really hard and you are really trying! Give yourself a break and just do what you need to.

an old mumsnet adage from when standards were lower was ‘everyone’s fed, no one’s dead’.

it will get easier but honestly not for a while so I’d try to work with your DH to work out a plan on how to get through it together.

and I only had two ! Tho high energy ND boys, but only two.

2 DC under 5.

A Big Day Out here involves getting a tram or a bus a few stops somewhere, going to a coffee shop and a play area/soft play/bike park then coming home. DC1 has a class on a Sunday and we alternate who takes him and who stays with the little one.

We do all singing all dancing days out once every few months and they are knackering. Simple weekends are much easier. I’d take being a little unfulfilled with some monotony any day.

I hear you. Gave up travelling very far with my DCs. Older çhild was great but younger one didn't like to be restrained at all . Not buggy , not car seat , high chair . Nightmare. After one disastrous holiday I swore never again . I think he was 6 / 7 before we went out in public .
They are very young still don't they take naps ? If not quiet time is necessary and let them watch appropriate TV. Don't beat yourself up trying to create #memories. Load of bollocks.!
And my DCs are grown up and remember good times and the feeling of being loved. # noInstamoments . 😁

Just remember your younger two aren't going to remember your trips out, your eldest probably will but only just recently. I have two aged 3 and a 3 month old and I'm finding myself very easily overwhelmed and overstimulated so honestly can't imagine how hard it must be with a third one in the mix and your working pattern, absolute super mum!
I would focus on the eldest right now and try do some 1-1 (either you or DH) to make memories with him, maybe even leave the youngest with grandparents and take two eldest somewhere together if the toddler is ok on their own. And then you're not outnumbered.
In a year or two things will get a lot easier,my 3 year old is high energy but now is mature enough to listen when I say stop running that way or don't pick that up or whatever it is, so there's less physical gathering her but more verbal instruction.
Don't be too hard on yourself, you've got a lot on your plate so just focus on a few key priorities and down the line when the baby is 3 or so that will be the time to have family day trips to the beach etc and make some memories of that kind!

Thankyou all of you.

DH leaves a lot to me because I only work 25 hours whereas he works 6am-7pm. It’s just all really shit!

I think you’re right I need to lower my expectations and just give up with it for a bit. I’ve already mostly given up on having a nice tidy home and taking care of myself. I just feel bad for the older one, then guilty about not taking the younger ones who have been stuck in all week. Do they really care though maybe not.

It's definitely not you, some of them are just lunatics I think. I'm fortunate to have a more sensible 2yo at least so it's a bit more manageable, but it's still tough often. You imagine these wonderful trips, things they'll remember forever, but I think you just have to enjoy the little things. The things they'll remember are silly anyway, a special ice cream, collecting shells or special rocks. Family taking the time to be silly and do things with them, I don't think it matters much what.

Wow 5, 2 and 1 this will be hard, don’t be so hard on yourselves this is going to be tough, as it doesn’t benefit you , other half or kids, don’t do it . They will fight for attention, this is why there are tears, this is natural but yes annoying.

smaller sessions of activities can be introduced when you feel able, one hour in an indoor play for example. Whilst not the best analogy, my DH often says kids are like dogs, they need to be exercised/run , to burn off some energy x

it will get easier, or at least different , as time goes on , take care, you are a good parent for caring x

That’s my two youngest. Won’t be restrained in any way without screaming blue murder until released!

DC3 naps thank god, the DC2 doesn’t. I tend to stick middle infront of the TV while youngest sleeps to try and regain some sanity and attempt to tidy up.

Well any memories I’ve made so far have been that of being embarrassed and fed up to
be honest. Seen loads of photos of immaculate well behaved children holding pumpkins this weekend, I can guarantee taking mine would not be a lovely experience!

I had 3 under 5 at one point and did not try for any memory making trips out like that when youngest was still only 1 !

I didn't find it stressful, looking after the 3 of them, because i stuck to my limitations.

Don't worry OP the months will shoot by and once your youngest is 3 and your others are 4 and ... 7 is it? life will be much easier. Mostly because by then at least one will be at school/nursery plus they'll all old enough to understand bargaining and bartering ! 😂 Do this for me today and i'll let you do/have x, y, z tomorrow.

It sounds really really hard.

PLEASE don't take this the wrong way, but you sound so negative about the whole situation, I just wondered if there might be something more at play here, and whether you are struggling (quite understandably) with your mental health?

PND is SO common. And it makes what is a hard situation anyway (babies are hard - two so close in age must be beyond hard) even harder. Because it does sound like you are finding it hard to enjoy anything at the moment, and you don't have much hope for the future.....

In reality the little ones will become more verbal and capable of reason before too long, they will stop running away. And you will be able to do more of the things you hope to do as a family (day trips etc). In time it will get to the point where, if you want to, you can leave all three (possibly together, possibly separately) with grand parents and/or a babysitter for an evening and reconnect with your husband. Basically, this too shall pass.....

It's so hard, and it's clear from your posts how unhappy you are, and you are NOT a crap mom. You wouldn't care so much or be trying so hard to make them happy if you were.....

But cut yourself some slack. Stay home more. Stick the TV on sometimes if it gives you a break - in moderation it won't harm them. Your mental health and sanity is important. And think about what I said about PND. I think it often goes unnoticed because of how actually hard having small children is ......