To just stop taking my DC out for the foreseeable future

[Paintedponies]

It’s just always a complete shit show and I’m so fed up by it.

I try to be a good parent. Do fun things. Activities. Days out. Holidays. A range of different things that my utterly awful childhood didn’t have. I scrape and do overtime to be able to afford activities to ‘make memories’ like you’re supposed to. I always start off positive, pick things that are age appropriate the best I can and have supplies at the ready. Yet every single outing ends in tears, tantrums, complaining. Toddlers running off, screaming when caught, screaming in pram, refusing to sit and eat, screaming, throwing and dropping food everywhere, arguing between themselves, fighting in the car. Even free activities like the beach or park involve soaking wet tearful kids being carried under armpits or moaning that they want something…they always want something!!
We even had to come back early from a holiday early recently as it was so utterly draining I couldn’t take another second.

In the house they are easier to contain and I can hide in the bathroom for a second at least. Stick them infront of the TV while I regain some sanity or something equally as bad.

DH and I are like passing ships, barely feels like a relationship anymore just coworkers who exist in the same space. Constantly dividing ourselves between kids. We have help, lovely grandparents who take them for an hour here or there but not all at the same time as they can’t cope so the whole thing is relentless as there’s always one. They are 5, 2 and 1. The last one was an accident conceived on contraception before anyone slates me for getting pregnant again when I wasn’t coping- I deliberately left a large age gap between 1 and 2 so I could manage one at a time.

AIBU to just stop going on day trips. Stop wasting money on days out and just keep them at home until they all grow up enough to behave?! It feels wrong but I don’t think I can take another weekend of this.

💐 forget about holidays until youngest is 3...
As for days out, go to the park or somewhere with a big open space and let them run riot around. Easy to keep an eye on them without stressing to much.
Spend the money on some all weather suites, so you can literally peal the mud off - MN cliché I know, but a lifesaver!
Go easy on yourself, the toddler/ young child stage isn't plain sailing for anyone.

I remember feeling like you and I only have 2.
it’s hard.

children remember a game of snakes and ladders played with mum and dad after tea every Friday night - plenty of interaction with card games of uno, monopoly - these bring back far more memories than a day trip as they were a consistent in our ives and happy times. Its quality of interaction not sat in a car and bundled round "seeing" things

Obviously your dc are young for the games ive mentioned but spending 30 minutes every Friday night after dinner playing age appropriate games with them will give them so much more than a day trip

Sadly I’m not able to claim anything. DH earns over 50k. It sounds like a lot but by the time we’ve paid all bills we just about make it to the end of the month. My middle child will get 30 hours funded early next year but that still leaves me little one. I also have nobody to collect her so no idea how that would work but I need to figure it out.

@RhaenysRocks I agree! The head relies on him way too much. Unfortunately he has a lot of responsibility in a challenging school. They are almost running on supply so he’s holding the other departments up as well as his own. He gets angry if I suggest him speaking to the head because apparently there’s nothing that can be done. He worked in a school previously that had an awful bullying culture amongst staff, now he is happy at this new school and doesnt want to move or rock the boat so just does all of the tasks the head puts onto him.

@mimblewimble oh I also had supermarket hell not so long ago. One running down isles, the other screaming. So embarrassing. Online shopping for me now!

Two words that will make your life easier out, double buggy! I kept mine securely fastened in apart from in places like play parks when it was just me unless the area was truly contained and suitable until they were 2&4. Oldest should be fine holding the buggy. Choose outings that are more age appropriate, free things are perfect and build your confidence

I had two with a 14 month gap. 30 years ago, so no nurseries let alone free hours. Grandparents 200 miles away, husband working the hours that junior doctors used to work. We moved when I was pregnant with the first so I knew no one.

It is so difficult, and I really feel for you. Two year olds have very strong wills and very little judgement. However, the way that I coped and which I am sure would help you is to realise that you are in charge. You can't just throw up your hands and say they won't be restrained! Put them in their pushchair well strapped in and go for a walk, maybe do some shopping and are there maybe ducks you can feed with them still firmly in the pram? Mine were only allowed out of the pram on reins, and certainly not two of them running around at once, I'm not surprised you're exhausted! You do not need your very small children to be your friends, you have friends. The children need to be safe and have boundaries.

Do not ever offer them choices, of course they will be difficult, not least because they will probably both want different things.
Mine have grown up seemingly unharmed by their upbringing, I had lunch with both of them at the weekend and they definitely don't hate me!

that sounds tough.
listen to ‘the book you wish your parents had read’ on audiobook and make sure you aren’t feeling a bit triggered here’ making you feel worse.

@Paintedponies you said you’re trying to do more/better than you had. Brilliant. But the children are so young and they won’t be aware of this/grateful really. Are you sure some of this isn’t feeling that they are ungrateful for getting more than you had?

worth a thought coz loads of parenting is triggering and hard, with little children shouting and fighting you when you just want them to have a lovely day!

sending love. I survive by making my child go outside and run somewhere eg a field or park every day or they are climbing the walls. Literally.

I have 3 DC with a similar age gap. When they were small things were hectic and difficult, "fun" day trips were not fun! I also had a double buggy. My 3 were always a little wild in shops! It does get easier as they get older especially when they start school. Mine are all at secondary school now; I look back and think how did I do that?!?

It sounds really hard right now but hold on. It’s going to be lovely in a few years. That age gap between your youngest two will hopefully make them both really close. (Are they both girls?)

scrap the big days out. Lots more time at home in the garden (sounds wonderful and in a few years when you don’t need to supervise it will be fantastic for them to have a large garden) and doing smaller trips out. Online shopping for sure! You’ll be ok. These are the difficult years but I promise it will get better and you’ll be making those lovely memories before you know it.

Big hugs too you.
One of my favourite things to do when my kids were small at this time of year was duvet day. Ie they brought their duvets down stairs to and we watched movies all sunday afternoon with popcorn on the sofa. This let me have some down time and they loved it. I don't even think they got dressed on some days.
Days out are so challenging at that age I would aim for small chunks of stuff like trips to the local park over the beach until they are bigger.

DS1 was hard work (later diagnosed with autism which explained a lot!) and DS2 was a livewire.

Reins harnesses were a godsend for my houdinis. They didn't necessarily have the straps on, and were used to having the harness on. Great for lunging and grabbing at them. I had D rings in the pram.and high chair which meant that they were securely fastened but had more range of movement than the inbuilt straps. I could also anchor them in to shopping trolleys. The splat of a forehead onto concrete floor is the sound no parent wants to hear twice.
I did use the straps when out and about. Sometimes with a dog lead if they needed a bit more range of movement.

On one holiday I explained this to a bemused local with the words "Ussain Bolt". His face flashed with understanding.

Reduce the expectations. At 2 & 1 they have little communication, no sense and lots of energy.
Get out little and often, but keep it local and short. Little walks, playgrounds, soft play, doing errands.
For a few years, "eating out" was the supermarket cafe or McDonalds. They didn't have the patience for anything fancier.

We did do holidays, and caravans worked best as it gave an enclosed space to play and a comfortable space for downtime.

It's a hard stage. Exhaustion makes it worse.

Thanks everyone.
They are a girl and boy. Girl the worst behaved of the two though 🙈

I think I felt terrible yesterday as I had saved up for something that cost more than I thought it would by the time I paid for extras (random extra activities included) and all they did was make it horrible for us all. I hate wasting money we don't have.

I had a horrible childhood. We never went anywhere because my parents were always trying to kill eachother or drunk. At least I'm not that!

Hi OP, I assume your 5yo was a toddler in lockdown? I have one the same age so he spent ages 12-18 months only at home playing with toys, balls in the garden, water tray etc…His favourite was to push a big Pilates ball round the garden! Doesn’t remember it at all as I assume yours won’t either. Don’t feel bad about making memories, they will have more fun with some water and a few plastic balls and bubbles at home than a day out with all the travel and stress that entails.
You’re doing amazingly well coping with 3 and working nights, hats off to you!

I have had difficult sleepers. A kindle for reading has been a life saver. And as they got older, sometimes I sit with my ipad and headphones and watch something.

Small thing, but better than nothing!? :)

Also, can I suggest that if your DH is keen to go away, do a center parcs or similar. The benefit of being able to just toss anything and everything you need in the car, a decent sized self catering space, and a place with laid on activities is such a win at this age. And so much easier than navigating luggage restrictions, airports, new foods etc.

No advice when you've got three on your hands after working nights as that sounds completely exhausting. However if the grandparents take one of them out, I'd sit one of the others in front of some gentle television and read with the other. I think they're competing for individual attention.
Good luck though and forget the "making memories" rubbish!!

What about play groups? I ho to.one wiyh plenty of volunteer helpers where the children get to tun around the church hall with plenty of toys. There's a snack, a story time etc. That way you're not on your own controlling them and even get served a cuppa!

My boys are 7 an 9 now and frankly, it doesn't change much as they get older lol! I'm joking of course, it goes get better - slightly! But I'm always thinking up things to do, places to go etc and worrying that I'm not entertaining them enough, however they'd rather be at home than anything else. I've never met kids who are such homebodies in my life as these two. Now I pick the outings carefully and do less of them because there is no point dragging people out to do things they don't want to do or won't enjoy. You're not unreasonable to put a pause on these things for now at all.

OP, my three are teenagers now but I had a similar gap and really relate to much of what you have written. I also worked shifts and that was hard. I think you have been given some great advice so won’t add to that.

However, two things that might be useful. Reflecting on my own parenting and on how chaotic it often felt when they were small…for myself, I now look back and know that discipline isn’t my strength. It didn’t come naturally to me or DH. I know I was good at nurturing and caring and understanding them though. They are all decent people now and I have found great relief in getting to this point and seeing that and thinking we did ok. I’m offering this in case it helps you to identify what your own strengths are. I’m sure that there is a great deal you’re doing right. There may be some elements you feel you are struggling with - the ‘crowd control’ aspect - but as others have pointed out, things like your work pattern and the age gaps really add to the pressure here. Please know that few of us are naturally good at every aspect of parenting.

Secondly, you’ve mentioned your own family a couple of times and I wonder if that is quite a key factor also affecting you? Partly that you are consciously trying to do some things differently, and maybe too that being a parent is making you reflect painfully on your own experiences? I hope you can get some support if so.