To just stop taking my DC out for the foreseeable future

[Paintedponies]

It’s just always a complete shit show and I’m so fed up by it.

I try to be a good parent. Do fun things. Activities. Days out. Holidays. A range of different things that my utterly awful childhood didn’t have. I scrape and do overtime to be able to afford activities to ‘make memories’ like you’re supposed to. I always start off positive, pick things that are age appropriate the best I can and have supplies at the ready. Yet every single outing ends in tears, tantrums, complaining. Toddlers running off, screaming when caught, screaming in pram, refusing to sit and eat, screaming, throwing and dropping food everywhere, arguing between themselves, fighting in the car. Even free activities like the beach or park involve soaking wet tearful kids being carried under armpits or moaning that they want something…they always want something!!
We even had to come back early from a holiday early recently as it was so utterly draining I couldn’t take another second.

In the house they are easier to contain and I can hide in the bathroom for a second at least. Stick them infront of the TV while I regain some sanity or something equally as bad.

DH and I are like passing ships, barely feels like a relationship anymore just coworkers who exist in the same space. Constantly dividing ourselves between kids. We have help, lovely grandparents who take them for an hour here or there but not all at the same time as they can’t cope so the whole thing is relentless as there’s always one. They are 5, 2 and 1. The last one was an accident conceived on contraception before anyone slates me for getting pregnant again when I wasn’t coping- I deliberately left a large age gap between 1 and 2 so I could manage one at a time.

AIBU to just stop going on day trips. Stop wasting money on days out and just keep them at home until they all grow up enough to behave?! It feels wrong but I don’t think I can take another weekend of this.

I find kids do much better playing with other kids and parents completely hands off, with kids entertaining each other. This is where it works really well if you have plenty of friends with kids or the kids have cousins. We gave up on days out a very long time ago and I felt just as you do. The only time they were happy and behaved was if other adults and other children were around. This might be why they do just fine at nursery?

Honestly, dont bother until they are older and actually appreciate it. My two oldest DC are now adults and dont remember much, if anything, of most things we did before they were about 10. All those trips to the zoo, the theatre, cinema, farm parks, holidays, swim centre etc were all just one giant waste of money & time. They moaned for most of it, complained they were bored, too hot, hungry, thristy etc. We look back and wish we had just done more local, spontaneous things which suited us as it turns out they were never bothered by the 'big day out' trips.

Once they turned 12/13 they were all over doing these sort of trips out and we all had a much better time than when they were younger.

I'd say save your sanity, time and money but not doing this type of thing until the youngest is at least 7/8. Do much more low keys activities much less frequently and you will all probably enjoy it much more.

Kindly, I think you need to massively lower your standards here. I agree with “everyone fed, nobody dead” don’t worry about using TV when it is needed and do what you need to get through. Once the two youngest get passed the toddler stage it’ll become so much easier!
This is why I only had one!

I think you need less 'nice place to make memories' and more 'nice place where they can run wild'

Are there places you can take them where the older two don't need constant supervision? The woods? Soft plays? (Try and find a nice small business type one - I find these much more bearable)

Pick your battles - toddlers don't want to sit and eat, I think it's very ambitious to try and eat a meal out at that age. Picnics are more your friend I think. I know it's not really the season but any big parks near you where they could muck about while you have a sit and a mug of wine?! You're in survival mode so don't worry about making memories, that will come. Don't book any holidays! Try and do more things for you.

Do you have family support?

My two only really enjoyed playgrounds and soft play so we just did that. We used to go to Cornwall every year and we have never been to the Eden Project or to any of the attractions - apart from Lands End, which has a playground! Just do what suits you, not what you think you should do.

OP could you fence off an area of your garden and make it really child safe? Put a little slide or sandpit in there, they can get tired out while you have a coffee.
i used to do craft with my eldest at this age, she remembers making lovely things together whilst her brothers watched tv or napped.
or maybe you and DS5 could get into lego or something?

A big garden is good if you're staying home. Can you make it more comfortable for yourself? Cordon off certain areas/ make a den area/ supreme outdoor gear for the kids, electric heated gilet and wool lined boots for you? I personally find kids go more wild if they don't out the house but that doesn't mean it has to be a trip.

Do fun things. Activities. Days out. Holidays. A range of different things that my utterly awful childhood didn’t have. I scrape and do overtime to be able to afford activities to ‘make memories’ like you’re supposed to

I felt like that but then I realised that it's what other people might find fun or I'm only seeing a photo or clip of a good moment rather than the whole story.
My son hates crowds, hates noise, anything over the top. Disney world would be a literal hell for him despite being the ultimate treat for many children.
Do things you all enjoy rather than what you're meant to enjoy

Your two youngest are too little to get much out of days out, they aren't making memories - they won't remember them! Give it a break for a while and stick to a quick trip to the park or woods and playing at home. These are the tough years, they need constant attention and you're spread very thin with 3 little ones! You're taking care of them and working and doing all the housework too, you're a bloody superhero in my eyes! Give yourself a break whenever you can - nothing wrong with a bit of tv so you can have half an hours peace!

Just keeping them alive every day is an achievement. Set your bar as low as possible, eg do they all need to be dressed to leave the house for the school run? Particularly in winter, just pop a pramsuit over pyjamas. You have a large garden so use that to get them fresh air. The two youngest like to run so get them racing each other round the garden. If you go to the beach and they get wet do you have to go home immediately? In the summer just let them be wet for a while. Eating out, or even at home, sit on the floor and call it a picnic.
You will get through this. Once in a while you may even get an Instagram-worthy picture. And you'll laugh because you know that it was 10 seconds out of a whole day of chaos.

I have the same age gap with my eldest three, the first few years were very difficult. Outings were just as you describe them, so draining. Yanbu for stopping them for the time being. I know it probably isn't too helpful to hear but it genuinely does get better, I remember going out one time when the youngest was about 3 and I sat back at one point and though about how much easier it was, of course it wasn't every time but it slowly but surely started getting better/easier.

They are all teenagers now and every single thing is SO much easier. I don't know if I just had particularly difficult toddlers but the whole "wait til they're teenagers" thing hasn't happened, it's amazingly chill compared.

If you've got a big garden, use all the money you'd spend on entrance fees and just fill it with a trampoline, climbing frame, mud kitchen and all that stuff. And then become the mum who invites people over. People will love you. You house can't actually get any messier than your DC are already making it, they will enjoy seeing different people as that will lead to them playing differently and you and the other mum will be able to have a coffee and a chat moan.

Absolutely this. My fondest memories as a kid were playing on the wheelie bins with my neighbour pretending they were horses, not a £70 day out pumpkin picking

I take my hat off to you. You're a bloody hero.

Lower your bar.

Find a park with a fence and visit regularly.

Now it's winter, is there a local soft play that offers a season pass?

Remember other people's photos are a snapshot. The first 6 months of my child's life look dreamy. The reality was a blooming mess.

Leave the stressful stuff for a year or two and meanwhile try tiny outings such as a visit to the neighbours cat or a trip to throw sticks in the pond. It’ll come.

You're in the trenches at the moment. It does get easier, I promise.

I would aim to get out for 2hrs or so either in the morning or afternoon. Don't try and be out for too long. Keep it easy - soft play, play park, feeding the ducks etc. Then home for naps, toys/tv, whatever keeps them happy and you sane.

It's all about balance. An afternoon full of cbeebies isn't terrible if they've had a couple of hours doing something else.

Mine are 7,4 and nearly 2, much, much more manageable ages than yours, and we really have backed off from outings as we find it hard going. So give yourself a break! A 1 and a 2 year old it's a lot of toddler.

I get the need to do some outings and the feeling of disappointment when it all goes to shit! Lately we have divided them up and one of us has taken the older two out while the other does something more relaxed with the little one. But otherwise we do a lot at home, park and local softplay.

The 1 and 2 year old are too young to remember what you do so can't be making memories. I'd try to spend the money on doing nice things either at home or close to home. Maybe either you or DH could do something with your 5 year old once a month or so because they will remember. Maybe a Teddy Bears picnic for them in the park in the spring or soft play. You aren't being at all unreasonable in stopping these expensive activities for DC who don't seem to enjoy them.

My daughter did this at a similar age, she sat in the pushchair for the entire time (after screaming when I got her out and put her on the sand) and I'm sure people probably thought I was a cruel mother for bringing my child to the beach and then confining her to a pushchair 😂

At their ages I just wouldn't. You sound stressed trying to organise these perfect trips out but reality is toddlers don't care they just want to play, eat and nap as normal! So they get upset, you get stressed and the 5 year old sounds like they ask for stuff for attention cos everyone is running after the toddlers.
This stage won't last forever I'd chill at home more and divide and conquer maybe 1 of you take eldest out they will be interested in different things to the toddlers

It’s the ages! It gets easier when they’re older.

I only have two, but close together. I didn't go anywhere parenting on my own except toddler groups and other mums houses for the first 3 years.
The only trip to town in that time was for a smear test (that was fun.)

Enclosed spaces like farms and playgrounds generally make life easier if that's an option? Plus the dreaded soft play.

The closer to home the better though!

Lower your expectations of everyone and be kind to yourself. Small children are extremely hard work.

Hang in there OP, it does get better!

I had the exact same age gaps as you do, also the surprise third one only just over a year after the second. It was insane. My middle child is very full on, she is now diagnosed ASD/ADHD and she was a very difficult to manage toddler. I simply didn’t take them out by myself for a long time as it was frankly impossible.

I used to manage the preschool runs by allowing absolutely loads of time to get there, as I found this really reduced my stress which helped everyone. Like yours my younger ones would scream in a buggy, so I carried youngest in a back pack carrier and middle one had a ladybird bag back back with reins attached. I wouldn’t say she was totally happy about wearing it BUT it had to be as she would have gone under a bus otherwise, she was a major flight risk. I just had to be really firm about it and accept that some days it would take literally an eternity to get from the car to the school gate.

Our most successful activities were all in our garden, picnics (can be just biscuits!) pavement chalks, I had an old baby bath we used to wash cars, toys etc. also a mud kitchen was brilliant, doesn’t have to be anything fancy, a few old pots and utensils will do. Mine also watched an insane amount of peppa pig so that I could do something with my eldest for a moment too!
we were lucky that we had a nice small soft play nearby, so we would do that for an hour when we could both go. Literally nothing else, parks beach etc were a total nightmare. We also came home early from many holidays as it was just too hard.

How on Earth you’re managing to work nights during this phase I have no idea, you deserve a medal. Give yourself a break, you sound a wonderful mum who is absolutely doing her best. It is really hard, outings do get easier with time, until then just be kind to yourself. Your kids will have a better time enjoying their garden with you relaxed and happy. Happy mum = happy kids. 🥰

Nursery don’t have a problem with them so it must be my shit parenting.

OP please don't think like that. They're at an age where they don't really know how to express themselves, but even they will recognise that their relationship with the nursery staff is different to the relationship they have with you, and that their relationship with the other children is different to the one they have with their siblings.

Believe all the PPs telling you it's not you it's them.

Well all this making memories stuff is crap really, it's only the parents that remember anything. My adult children can hardly recall anywhere we went on holidays, days out etc. so give yourself an easier time. Stay home, go to the park, anything that's cheap, easy and doesn't involve high expectations and lots of cash.