To just stop taking my DC out for the foreseeable future

[Paintedponies]

It’s just always a complete shit show and I’m so fed up by it.

I try to be a good parent. Do fun things. Activities. Days out. Holidays. A range of different things that my utterly awful childhood didn’t have. I scrape and do overtime to be able to afford activities to ‘make memories’ like you’re supposed to. I always start off positive, pick things that are age appropriate the best I can and have supplies at the ready. Yet every single outing ends in tears, tantrums, complaining. Toddlers running off, screaming when caught, screaming in pram, refusing to sit and eat, screaming, throwing and dropping food everywhere, arguing between themselves, fighting in the car. Even free activities like the beach or park involve soaking wet tearful kids being carried under armpits or moaning that they want something…they always want something!!
We even had to come back early from a holiday early recently as it was so utterly draining I couldn’t take another second.

In the house they are easier to contain and I can hide in the bathroom for a second at least. Stick them infront of the TV while I regain some sanity or something equally as bad.

DH and I are like passing ships, barely feels like a relationship anymore just coworkers who exist in the same space. Constantly dividing ourselves between kids. We have help, lovely grandparents who take them for an hour here or there but not all at the same time as they can’t cope so the whole thing is relentless as there’s always one. They are 5, 2 and 1. The last one was an accident conceived on contraception before anyone slates me for getting pregnant again when I wasn’t coping- I deliberately left a large age gap between 1 and 2 so I could manage one at a time.

AIBU to just stop going on day trips. Stop wasting money on days out and just keep them at home until they all grow up enough to behave?! It feels wrong but I don’t think I can take another weekend of this.

my DM said to be when I first had kids, you won’t have a clean and tidy house with kids! It’s true, but in time you will, and honestly having a clean house then is not something you will reminisce about.

i still remember the black line on the wall opposite the handrail/banister on the stairs from the kids, it’s what happens x

Forgot to say - rather than you and DH taking turns in having all 3, split them up.

You take the oldest one and the youngest one out while DH looks after the middle one. And then vice versa.

IME it's easiest to split them this way because the eldest is free to roam a bit while you have youngest in the pushchair or carry or have them on reigns.

Middle child has time to an adult to them self which is nice.

Switch it up and have eldest alone with you while DH does some small thing like a walk round the park with youngest 2 in a buggy.

OP, mine are 6, 2, and 5 months, so I’m right there with you. I’m also home with the two little ones, but not working at the moment. I have no idea how you manage working nights!

Some things that happened today:

• 2-year-old had a mega tantrum in church because I wouldn’t let her jump all over the chairs during worship. I had to drag her to the church kitchen wearing the baby in the sling. A kindly older church member tried to help me, but ended up watching in horror as DD screamed bloody murder and started trying to open the cupboards and throw things. Took me 15 mins to calm her down enough to drink some water. Baby was crying hysterically from the sling the whole time.
• Baby vomited all over my brand new black sweater. My fault for trying to wear it today.
• 6-year-old pushed 2-year-old into the sofa while ‘playing’ and her nose was bleeding. Cue tears and another epic meltdown.
• 2-year-old refused to eat dinner, and squished all her cherry tomatoes down her pants and into her nappy.
• 2-year-old refused to wear her coat to go for a quick walk to the shops, and I ended up giving up and dealing with the death stares from the public at my toddler wearing a t-shirt in freezing weather.

The most I manage day-to-day is a short walk, and I always have to bring the pram for toddler because of the risk of a meltdown. I find playgrounds impossible unless DH is with me and we can divide and conquer. I have elbowed my DC into their pram straps as they kick and scream many times when leaving places. I have also bribed my 6-year-old many times with candy, just so I can focus on the younger two.

Nothing but solidarity over here. You’re doing a great job OP.

They’re just too young for day trips out to be fun.
Are there any weekend clubs near you the older one can do where you get to sit for an hour with a coffee, so can take it in turns to have a break maybe while the other parent has the younger 2? Like gymnastics, rugby tots, mini athletics that kind of thing?

When do you sleep?

@Laiste is right, dividing has been our best strategy. DH will take the older two while I get some ‘peace’ at home with the baby. We have certain activities we do with each DC, e.g. I’ll read a chapter of a book to my oldest every night, I take the toddler to the library just the two of us etc.

We also give each other 1-hour per day to do a workout, kid-free. I mostly cycle on the stationary bike and listen to a podcast. It’s absolute bliss and I don’t think I’d manage without it. DH goes for a run and returns a refreshed man. We have no DGPs around, and no help whatsoever except for nursery/school/paid babysitters.

Yeah, big national trust stuff/ theme parks/ making memories etc were a disaster.

Things which worked for me when mine were younger were:

• walking to local park/ playground grabbing food/ taking picnic and toys like balls, chalk, bubbles, scooters;
• walks in the local woods- safe areas where kids could run riot, feeding ducks etc;
• walks around local streets to look at Halloween decs, Christmas decorations,
• swimming but with both parents and WARM water/ decent changing rooms;
• seeing family/ friends at at their homes (but only those who had similar aged kids and compatible childcare ethos!!);
• short holidays to places like Center Parcs with a kids club and loads of baby/ kid friendly activities (especially good where you can drop one kid in childcare and spend time with the others).

Things which were a bit disastrous, city breaks, longer holidays (anything longer than a week was horrific), staying in chi chi holiday accommodation with nic nacs everywhere, walks which went on too long, sitting in to eat in most places, trips on public transport without another set of hands!

It does get easier but you also need to have a word with your DH, you can’t be feeling like you’re having to manage him as well or that you cant leave 1/ 2 all of the kids with him without worring or listening to half an hour of tales of woe when you get back. If you’ve got the kids most during the week and he’s working you both need to have a couple of hours to yourself and a lie in every weekend (we did alternate days if we could- so I’d lie in on Sat, he’d get a couple of hours to himself for a coffee/ swim/ walk in the afternoon, reverse on Sunday).

Another one here saying don't overthink it. It's a fairly recent phenomenon that you have to go out all the time. I certainly didn't when I was a child, and there was only one of me under 5.

Divide them up, so they each get a bit of 1-1, especially the older one.

If you get to bedtime and they are all alive and generally unscathed, then job done.

Thankyou everyone honestly it’s nice to hear I’m not alone!!

I don’t think I have PND although I am struggling to manage to maybe it’s not impossible. The only way I can describe it is like everything is an ordeal. The school run is torture, getting 3 dressed and out the door, cleaning up after 3 of them, managing a household of 5… just everything! I do most things as DH is working until 6-7 every night and also Sunday morning, so i only have him to help me 1.5 days of a weekend. We can’t afford any external help as we are in a financial mess.

I do love of them but it’s so hard. I used to be a fun person with interests and a hobby I loved but not any more, there’s barely time to reply to a text nevermind much else.

Oh and one other thing, I got a decent pram and was militant about kids sitting in it- they didn’t get picked up out of it if they were grizzling (we did have toys on it etc and I would give out snacks!) We also regularly changed attachments for the middle kid, so she had a buggy board, forward facing seat with cozy foot muff, steering wheel, scooter things etc. Mine were also usually really happy in the pram which was a godsend.

Sorry but this actually all sounds a bit sad for the five year old!

And how is him getting heatstroke down to luck?! Surely that’s down to your poor management of a small child in hot weather?

At five it sounds like he could do with you broadening his horizons a bit.

I work condensed hours, so generally 2 mights but not together so I grab a morning nap while they are at nursery/school until I collect them at 12:30. There’s no pattern so it just depends. Sometimes I work a weekend so can sleep some of the next day if they don’t wake me up crying. Some of my ‘nights’ (backshift?) finish at 12 -1am so in that instance it’s fine I just sleep once I get home until they wake up. DC does still wake up in the night though so I am tired regardless of what shift it is, as it DH when I’m not there.

We can’t afford childcare so just have to work like passing ships until school sadly.

How long are you going out for? When my son was little we went out a lot, but it was usually up early, out for the morning, maybe some lunch and then home for a chilled afternoon.

everyone else isn't having them either! don't be fooled by social media!

I have the exact same age gap between my 3 and I remember those days. Some days I wasn’t sure if I could cope with it much longer, it was horrendous at times.

Fast forward to now, my eldest is 9, we made it through the tough times, things are much easier now!

Heres some things that helped me keep my sanity:

a wagon type thing with seats in for the kids, you can take that on the beach then. Can get them second hand. We put fairy lights on in and blankets in it. Even managed to fit all 3 in on some occasions.

a play corner/room if you have it. Not always easy but we cleared a corner in our dining room bought an Ikea kallax unit and rotated toys (took some out and put in spare boxes under sofa etc and swapped them out every week or so). Also baskets for toys and just chuck them all in don’t worry about sorting.

those giant colouring things from hobbycraft, big cardboard houses etc. a pack of crayons from pound land. Kept ours occupied for a while!

Movie nights in their bedroom, dragged mattresses together or blow up beds, put our laptop in the room and gave them a movie night (but start it early like 5pm haha!) couple of hours of peace, we occasionally rented a new kids film for extra fun. Also the cinema does kids showings by us on a Saturday and Sunday morning like 9/10am it’s much cheaper and filled with families so don’t worry if the kids run riot.

we also do ‘indoor picnics’ put a blanket down and put the kids lunches etc out on the floor on a tray.

Don’t worry about going pumpkin picking etc just snooze the social media accounts who show you their picture perfect family days out. They aren’t real. No one takes photos of their kids having tantrums and them all crying in the car on the way home, we’ve all been there though! Buy some pumpkins from Asda if you can and let the kids draw all over them etc.

I didn’t bother much with days out when ours were a bit younger. Same as yours they always ended up in tears.

sending hugs xx

My kids told me they couldn’t remember any hols before they were 8 so forget making memories.

Hi Op , you have to do what makes life easier for you and your family . Ignore all the rubbish social media where everyone is happy and smiling for that split second .

Don't beat yourself up about what you think others are doing and " making memories ". With my lot the things I planned for , for ages they weren't that bothered by . Sometimes impromptu things and £1 toys were a hit .
I got a couple of the backpacks with reins and once I got used to them it made life easier .
I also sussed out smaller activity venues where I could keep my eye on all the kids .
Do what is easiest for you . Look up things to do at home - activities in the bath without water , ball pits . You can get a lot second hand .

I think when they are all sleeping during the night things will get easier . I would try and swap with your DH to take the oldest one out for a few hours and take it turn about .
When the 2 youngest are a bit older you will be able to go out together .

Take care of yourself and make sure that you get a bit of a break too - even if just for an hour - have a bath , watch some tv etc .

70s and 80s children didn't have constant days out, it was the odd days at easter or Whitsun holidays to go to the zoo or a wild life safari

most Saturdays was home with games or tv and a trip with mum up town to get some shopping. A treat was having a friend round to play in the afternoon

Sunday was playing n bikes and having a roast, not much else happening and no tv shows for kinds on a Sunday

do you have a garden they can play in? a local park to take them to for an hour?

I can hear your exhaustion. A few points:

1 "making memories" - totally pointless at this age. They certainly won't remember. It's like when people see toddlers not behaving that well in restaurants and say, "well, we were never allowed to behave like that" - I always say, "oh, so you have a lot of memories of when you were 2 do you?" Days out are supposed to be fun. If they're not fun, don't do them. V simple! You have many many years of parenting ahead of you so you have plenty of time for fun days out when they're older!

2 Massively lower your expectations. I used to get so frutrated that if I had one or two children with me and say i had to go into town ot get some chores done - it was impossible. But then I realised I had to massively lower my expectations. So, a trip into town to buy new shoes and dinner, that took 2 hours... WIN!! I had to accept that really was okay.

To that end, with both my children when they were toddlers - individually and together - I used to make a point of getting out in the morning for some small reason - a trip to a park, a quick trip into town for basic shopping and a hot chocolate, soft play whatever. Then feel ZERO guilt if they watched a bit of tv while I had a cup of tea or got some chores done.

It also sounds like money is tight - frankly, rather than spending the money on days out, I'd consider them on extra help eg cleaning, childcare, ready meals, more softlplay, a trampoline for the garden or whatever you think might work!

You're doing fine, you'll get through it

I had twins.

We did exactly NO days out between the age of 2 and about 4 because it was such a fucking nightmare.

Tantrums, grizzling, whining, keeping them safe.

Honestly save it for when they are older.

I still remember the time we took them to a beach when they were 18 months and one of them decided he hated sand and screamed every time any part of his body touched any sand.

He doesn't remember it now but I bloody do!

It's going to get better, just take it easy for a bit. We have 4, and the younger 2 were similar in that it just feels quite hectic and stressful to take them out. As they get bigger, it will become much easier (and they will stop running off!) if days out are too much stress for now just wait a little and you will get there :)

I had 4 under 6. I considered getting through each day with them still alive as a win!
I think you are putting too much pressure on yourself. Memories can be made when they are a bit older x

Actually, this is a good point too. I'm one of four. My older siblings were often taken places while we were left home either with a parent or a babysitter! I remember what a bit deal it was when we were deemed old enough to join the rest of them for dinner out! . I assume that me and number 4 were too much work before that!

OP your situation sounds very tricky. I'd lower your expectations and keep it simple.

Take them out but not day trips.

Try soft play, park, take a football to the park, classes for the older one, anything easy, contained, local and very kid friendly.

Try seeing if you can do a drop off playdate for the 5 year old.

Can grandparents take 5 year old to a class whilst you take the toddlers to the park?

It doesn't have to be either big day trip or tv, I'm sure there's stuff in between.

Hell, I only have one and I stick to very simple activities. Do less for everyone's sake. Young children really don't need much and are genuinely happy just taking a walk to feed the ducks some stale bread.

I'd simplify everything. They'll be happier and so will you. Big days out are overwhelming for them and of no benefit in the long run anyway.

Maybe do some bigger things with the eldest occasionally, but split up to do it. So you take him somewhere interesting while dad stays local with the wee ones.