To just stop taking my DC out for the foreseeable future

[Paintedponies]

It’s just always a complete shit show and I’m so fed up by it.

I try to be a good parent. Do fun things. Activities. Days out. Holidays. A range of different things that my utterly awful childhood didn’t have. I scrape and do overtime to be able to afford activities to ‘make memories’ like you’re supposed to. I always start off positive, pick things that are age appropriate the best I can and have supplies at the ready. Yet every single outing ends in tears, tantrums, complaining. Toddlers running off, screaming when caught, screaming in pram, refusing to sit and eat, screaming, throwing and dropping food everywhere, arguing between themselves, fighting in the car. Even free activities like the beach or park involve soaking wet tearful kids being carried under armpits or moaning that they want something…they always want something!!
We even had to come back early from a holiday early recently as it was so utterly draining I couldn’t take another second.

In the house they are easier to contain and I can hide in the bathroom for a second at least. Stick them infront of the TV while I regain some sanity or something equally as bad.

DH and I are like passing ships, barely feels like a relationship anymore just coworkers who exist in the same space. Constantly dividing ourselves between kids. We have help, lovely grandparents who take them for an hour here or there but not all at the same time as they can’t cope so the whole thing is relentless as there’s always one. They are 5, 2 and 1. The last one was an accident conceived on contraception before anyone slates me for getting pregnant again when I wasn’t coping- I deliberately left a large age gap between 1 and 2 so I could manage one at a time.

AIBU to just stop going on day trips. Stop wasting money on days out and just keep them at home until they all grow up enough to behave?! It feels wrong but I don’t think I can take another weekend of this.

I'll never get the money back I spent at peppa pig world.

My big days out with a baby/toddler were generally to another toddler parents house or a surestart centre. I don't remember doing much else!

Give yourself a break and remember that social media is full of curated nonsense and lies

Easy for someone with one child to manage to get one calm-looking photograph in the middle of chaos. Don’t compare someone else’s golden nanosecond with the whole of your life.

I would stop trying epic days out that inevitably end in disappointment. Chill at home. Make the garden work for you. You will be happier out there with a coffee if the garden is contained, interesting for the kids and everyone (including you) are properly dressed. Don’t be cold and miserable. When the fun stops, move inside. And vice versa.

No messy games inside. Arts and crafts outside. Toys everywhere is fine - it’s a clean mess. Cull the toys so they have fewer. Pack lots of it away. Rotate what is available. So much easier when there is a limited amount to strew everywhere. Plus it feels like new toys when you swap a new set in.

Stick the tv on and take time to do something you enjoy. Go out for short local missions only. Contain the toddlers (pushchair or reins). Get home before the goodwill runs out. If they have nursery in the morning, that’s enough tripping for stimulation. And they have each other. It’s enough.

My youngest 2 are 12 months apart. Just before my youngest was born I got talking to a mum of twins and and an older one 2 years older and I asked if she had any tips. She said find a small soft play where you can easily see the whole thing and that has a locked entrance with a member of staff always on the gate. Go there a lot. I did that and it was brilliant. It was always quiet in school term time. The kids couldn't escape and they were occupied. When mine were that age if we did any kind of day out we would have to take grandparents with us. Don't put yourself down, ignore Instagram, you are doing great. Anyone would struggle with children those ages. It will get better, my youngest 2 are 10 and 11 now.

They are really difficult ages, you are doing amazingly and it will get better!
From age 6, they sit by themselves reading/colouring - it is like a dream!

Even with mine who are older, we decided to have a very chilled Sunday today and didn’t leave the house! We cooked, watched telly, played… it was the most relaxing day ever! No pressure. Highly recommend.

I'm currently in Paris with my almost 13 year old. We are having a great time.

He remembers barely anything we did before about 8 or 9 and tbh we didn't do loads due to no funds available. So honestly, do not worry and save your energy and money for when they are older. They will remember the 'feeling' of being loved and that will set them up for good experiences when they are older.

It's winter, hunker down and get through it. Get out in fresh air if possible but don't stress about making memories at this stage. They won't have any and yours will just be shit!😂

You are doing a fab job growing them up xx

You are not a shit parent!

Toddlers are bloody hard work if you have one of them, 2 is just crazy to manage out in the wild.

I've got 5, including twins, and when they were younger we didn't do big days out. Local park, the bigger park in town, that was enough till they were reliable at not running off or having a tantrum etc.

There's plenty of stuff you can do at home or in your garden to get them doing stuff.

I know it's hard to be at home with the two little ones but I think either you or your husband taking the older one out for something (swimming, soft play?) would be a good idea.

Oh, and all this making memories shit is bollocks. I was talking to my now adult kids recently about things they remembered from their childhood and apart from some vague memories (mainly involving being ill or injured 🙄😂) they didn't really remember much from that age.

😂

A couple of our local softplays have a container baby bit so you can go in there with the younger two while the older one can enjoy free rein. Even better if you take a pal for them to play with.

What about local places that do kids discos so you can have a coffee and the little ones are entertained. I realise these activities will be better if you and DH can do them together.

And yeah, local parks, play park and feed the ducks. Do little classes with the little ones while older one does their hobby.

And just be home too. Movies, crafts, playing with toys, screen time, picnics…

It will get easier 💕

Not sure if this has already been suggested but how about taking one child out at a time for a while.
Partner stays home to look after the younger two while you take the older one out then vice versa.
Just do local low key trips when you have all three and make sure you have another adult with you to help out.
And don’t forget to take time for yourself, even if it’s just a nice soak in the bath with a book when the kids are in bed.
Is there a tv show you and your partner could cuddle up on the sofa together and watch for an hour of an evening with a cuppa or a glass of wine?
Not the most exciting, but it’s about as much as can be managed when the kids are young.
And if there are two sets of grandparents to help out, organise a date night/afternoon and divide the children between the two.
It’s tough when they are little, just enjoy when things are going well and remember it gets easier when you are finding things overwhelming x

Oh hun, get yourself a nice big warm blanket, a cup of tea, a good book and sit outside in the garden and let them go to town!

If they are happy out there - fantastic!!!

Warm water in a tray, wet suits and welly boots, mud kitchen, anything to push, things for climbing, big cardboard boxes … let them go wild! Just get a comfy chair, and chill while they entertain themselves!!

I have an 11 year old and a 22 month old.

We do not have a garden.

If having a garden kept her happy and busy, you bet your arse I’d be out there all day letting her get on with it!!

I do feel for you because one toddler is handful enough for me!!!

Don’t worry about crafts for toddlers, just get some chalk, large paintbrushes with buckets of water for outside and some pencils and washable felts and large paper for inside - all they want and need to be doing right now is exploring mark making to develop those early writing skills!

They sound like perfectly healthy, crazy little toddlers!

You are doing great xx

Haven't RTFT but just to make you feel better or give you a laugh: my 3yo pissed all over my lap on the train. Fine, we're almost home, it can't get any worse than this, right? Except it could. He stood in the aisle and did an enormous shit, which rolled out of his shorts and went everywhere. I have never felt so ashamed in my life! All the best from a fellow mum of angry kids!

MrsBobtonTrent had some fabulous advice above... but I was one of 4 under 5 at once growing up. My parents had us so regimented and were so quick to come down hard on any one of us who squeaked or tried to move an inch, that all of us remember childhood as being awful. We all left home at 17 or 18. You sound like you do understand what your little ones need and you are trying to enjoy times with them; I bet you will come out of this all really well, with happy kids who will want to see you. Hang in there. The ride isn't over yet.

OP, I doubt very much if your parenting is shit. You are in the trenches right now, it's really tough at this stage.

Is there any way you can occasionally split things up, with one parent sometimes wrangling the two little ones at home while the other parent takes the 5yo out somewhere? The oldest one is the only one who is really likely to get very much out of Big Days Out at this stage. 1 and 2 years old are such shit ages (I mean this in a loving kind of way). They don't like anything, they always have something wrong with them, they whinge nonstop, their play consists of making a mess or trying to kill themselves.

And when you have all three on your hands at once.... MrsBobtonTrent upthread has sound advice.

For annual holidays: think about taking a "daycare-cation" instead. This is where you calculate the amount of money you would have spent on flights, hotels, travel, etc. and instead spend the same amount of money on "stick the kids in paid childcare and have a few childfree days out as a couple in your own hometown." It sounds shocking from the perspective of the "making memories" bollocks, but it could really save your marriage, and you can always start doing the wonderful family holidays a few years from now when your little ones are capable of enjoying things rather than just trashing this and fussing all day long, like they probably are now!

Thankyou everyone!

Right that's it I'm doing nothing else (except dreaded pumpkin picking which is already booked- wish me luck!)

I spent £100 this weekend and wish I had spent it on wine and some new clothes. What a waste. Didn't even get a nice photo as it's all toddlers lying on the floor and the oldest fighting with middle. DH is desperate to book a holiday, I would rather put pins in my eyes at the moment than take them on a plane!

I don't get to watch TV or anything after bed because they won't stay in bed without one of us up there. Story for another day but when we take the kids to bed we also stay there! Sad isn't it but I was hoping that would pass eventually.

Making memories nonsense 😳 at that age they most likely won’t remember it.

just concentrate on the whole family being relaxed and happy. That doesn’t require a big elaborate day out. Could a 30min picnic in your local park, or an afternoon spent drawing at home. Building a den in your garden.

They’ll remember feeling content - that’s all they need at this age, and you too.

I absolutely agree that a) you're probably not shit and b) you and dh need to pull together as a team to improve this and potentially save your marriage. 6am-7pm is brutal..what does he do? Does he really need to work those hours or is he avoiding being at home? It's clear that you can't continue as you are.
Could your parents have one of the smaller ones once a week(so two half days)? Give you time to focus on one at a time. And I agree about you and dh having a lunch, afternoon mooch etc together once in a while.

If you can get a handle on the bedtime thing that would help a lot. Everyone gets more sleep and you and dh instantly gain 2-3 hours of peaceful together time. It's daunting I know and would need both of you to be on board and consistent with whatever method you went for. I remember doing the back to bed thing with both of mine around 18months old. Took three nights each. I do wish you luck..it is really tough sometimes..but stop torturing yourself with social media. I once posted a pic of mine in the snow, all smiles and frolicking happily that was taken two seconds before massive tantrums and tears all round.

Memories are made in the routines and simple things. My grown children don't talk about the big days out we had but more simple things like blackberry picking before they went back to school each August, for example.

Keep things simple and don't push to have fun days out. If they go to nursery just being home and having down time is probably nice for them too. Nursery is the equivalent of adults going to work in that it is busy, they follow someone else's routine and agenda, they have to interact with peers all day etc.

@RhaenysRocks teaching. He’s SLT, the hours are brutal as there’s no staff. He gets in early to mark and plan as he can’t do it at home as it’s impossible with the kids. There’s a compulsory meeting/detention almost every night (except one where I’m at work so don’t see him anyway) That’s not including all the bloody trips and parents evenings. He is massively stressed but we need the money.

Im lucky in that both grandparents help with the school run and watching DC a few nights a week until DH gets in and collects them (if I’m on strange shifts like 5-early morning or similar) Im not sure they would be up for any more as they both find it very hard work 😄 They do try and help as best they can though.

I agree bedtime is a massive issue. Neither toddler will sleep alone so I end up putting them all in the bed and just going to sleep with them. This way the 2yo sleeps all night and the 1yo is easily settled as I just cuddle them in. I know it’s lazy but I found it better than getting up constantly all night. I do need to get a handle on it though!

you dont have to go on trips
it isnt the law op
its nice
start small

I'm not surprised you feel like you're being tortured. You're probably horrendously sleep deprived and there's a reason that is used as a form of torture.

I assume you have checked this, and there's no possibility that you're eligible for universal credit? That would pay 80% of your childcare costs I think, even if you were only eligible for a tiny amount.

If not, would the 2 year old be eligible for 30 hours, or might be soon? Or is there anything you can do to cut your costs, because if you can't get even vaguely enough sleep everything will seem utterly horrendous no matter the situation.

Agree with others you're trying harder than you need to, and you have an idealised version of how things should look. The reality for most people is some kind of shit show, even if they capture one smiling moment and share it on social media.

Also, sometimes kids just like staying at home. They go to school/nursery during the week so they might like more chill out time.

Honestly I found that age total chaos even just with two, mine are less than 2 years apart and I remember losing it in the supermarket when I had one in the trolley seat and the older one decided to run off. I had to abandon the trolley with the younger one in to be able to catch her. Mine would never sit still for anything either. Youngest would go off and attach himself to random families if you turned your back for long. Neither would accept reins/that backpack with a lead on, they'd just sit down and scream.

Hope that helps you feel better! I think you're describing normal family life, would be easier if your DH was available to help more.

(Do you listen to the Parenting Hell podcast? It's with two comedians and they're pretty honest about parenting... Their kids are a bit older now but you could go back to the toddler years, might make you laugh!)

OP I teach secondary. He shouldn't be doing those hours. He needs to look at what is going on there and where changes can be made. It is a job that will take as much time as you give it, it's never "done" so he needs to have conversation with his head about this.

You are now in the life stage where the days are long but the years go fast. I had only two and didn’t work but I was still on my knees with the sheer relentlessness of it all. In my defence we had no parental help at all and my DH was away a lot.

Taking them to playgrounds and big woodland parks were the easiest way to pass the time. During half terms we used to drive to our local park & drive, take the bus to town, go to a coffee shop (if the mood was good) and then a visit to a charity shop where they were allowed to choose something from the £1 toy box. Killed few hours, and wasn’t expensive. We could have driven to town but as we always drive, taking the bus occasionally was a huge novelty.

My DC are now early teens and as many have already said, they don’t remember any of those early years! Only from about age 8-9 years old and even that’s hazy.

It’s really hard with these ages. Little trips are good so they learn how to behave. Park, local swimming pool, short walks, the library. With these ages our bigger trips were to national trust places with adventure playground type things and an icecream. Beaches are a nightmare with toddlers. Wouldn’t do anything with rides because they can’t cope with the waiting/busy places.