Or does she have squatters rights?

[Bettycrocker7]

We live in a 3 bed semi with no potential to move, extend or convert the attic.
Me and dh have one bedroom, dd13 and ds10 ( he has asd and adhd) share one room.
Dd 14 (she has adhd and asd) has her own box sized room.

Around two and a half years ago ds had the box room and the two girls shared.
My eldest dd was very difficult to share a room with. No emotional regulation, huge meltdowns, repeated unkind behaviour and she would stay up until the early hours.
After months of sleepless nights, we decided to put ds (then 8) and middle dd (then 10) in one room and give eldest dd her own bedroom in the box room. This did restore peace in the house for a while.

We've now reached a point where middle dd (13) needs her own bedroom. Her little brother is annoying her and she is embarrassed to have friends over.

We have found a company who will build us a floor to ceiling bunk bed as a room divider and split the one room into two box sized rooms. At the end of the bunk will be a doorframe with a fully opening and closing door. This will be cladded so that there are no gaps between the two sides of the bed - essentially creating two box rooms.

Middle dd has said she would like the existing orginal box room ( currently dd14 bedroom) to be her room, she is the only one out of the three who hasn't had use of it. She is also the only one of the three to have always had to share a room.

The original box room can only fit a shorty style bed which is perfect as middle dd is quite small. The two new box rooms fit full sized single mattresses which is better for dd14 as she is taller than me.
Where my eldest dd and youngest ds both have adhd and asd they are night owls staying up watching tv until the early hours. Middle dd loves routine and is often asleep by 10ish.

Eldest dd14 is refusing to even discuss a move into one of the newly built box rooms.
She is quite literally claiming squatters' rights. Generally speaking, it's often her way or no way, she isn't able to have calm discussions and will have a meltdown if I try to discuss it with her. When we first brought the topic up (in the car) she shouted a lot and repeatedly shouted no over and over and kicked the back of my chair quite hard.

My gut tells me that middle dd13 is due her turn in the existing box room. I think it's better for the two children that stay up all night to share a party wall rather than all three be awake because either one of them is bugging middle dd.

I also feel that as a family we have always prioritised dd14 needs and that she does need to accept that sometimes in life she can't always get her own way and needs to learn to compromise.

So aibu to insist that DD14 move into one of the newly built box rooms.which fits a bed more suitable for her size? Does DD14 have squatters' rights? Or does DD13 have a fair argument in that she needs some peace and quiet and her turn of the original box room? DD13 has been sharing and compromising for the last two years by sharing with her brother so I do feel her argument has a fair bit of weight to it

I think this is a nasty comment. The OP is in council housing. You used to be able to get 4, even 5 bedroom council houses. Not any more since the housing crisis. Her circumstances might not be her fault. She might have had a hard life. none of any of that is the OP’s fault. She should be able to have 4 children.

I agree that the parents should go on a sofa bed in the living room though but also have to weigh up the effects on their own mental health as it could then impact their children

Sofa beds are generally designed for occasional use.....not every night

You must use focused and unequivocal language here. You need to make it all about fairness and proper turn taking. If you bring in other elements of justification your Dd Will dispute them/use them to prolong the argument. It is about fairness, fairness is critical within a family and fairness is what will be happening. This should be your repeated clear message. Fairness and turn taking is hard to dispute and convolute in an argument. It gives her something solid and incontrovertible to accept. “If you want to be treated fairly in other regards within this family Dd, you will also treat the family with fairness”. If she doesn’t give in you withdraw all privileges the other family members enjoy until she does eg pocket money, outings, treats. She can’t see herself as the ‘victim’ if you emphasise she’s the one being unfair.
ps Squatters rights is nonsense.

Thia

That's one thing I'd never do.

Many Kids with ASD find change hugely scary and anxiety provoking, even if that change benefits them. So if you do want to move her you are going to need to do a lot of slow work preparing her for the change. You may find that it seriously affects her sleep being in a new room.

I assume the OP hopes that in her daughter's case it will be achievable.

Totally agree, sometimes it makes me wonder who the parents are these days.

You have a point but.. you again 😐

Did anyone actually say it was?

I hope so, but that doesn’t make it the ‘main point’ of raising a child. What an offensive comment

At a societal level that is the main point of raising children though. Whether you find that offensive is neither here nor there. Some people find it offensive when you say that humans can't change sex too.

You need to make sure there is light and ventilation to each room otherwise sounds hellish.

True. Fire regs also - no one should be sleeping in a room with only one exit. Hopefully there's a way for the boy to access the window or other second exit point in an emergency.

OP, the room which is currently your bedroom - is it bigger than bedroom 2? Does it have two windows? If so, maybe you could divide that room in two, and you can move into bedroom 2.

This. This is totally unfair on your 13 year old. She needs her personal space. Presumably she's started her periods? How utterly embarrassing for both of them. Her and her younger brother appear to have got the short straw over this. They deserve consideration too. You need to grow a backbone and put your foot down. You are the parent. Act like one. And no, this doesn't mean acting like a dictator. It means you go about it with sensitivity and tact, but your daughter needs to realise that you are in charge, not her.
So far, it seems everyone has been pandering to her and this has to stop.

Just wanted to say that I have two teenagers with asd and adhd. Thr oldest sounds very much like your daughter. They live in supported accommodation now because it just didn't work with the two of them here. They also have a diagnosis of eupd. You're not alone OP.

"no one should be sleeping in a room with only one exit."

That really isn't the case at all.

Building Regs say that for a room on the ground floor then a room should have either an opening directly onto a hall leading to a final exit or an emergency escape window.

Notice the words "either" and "or". It means just one of them, not both.

Then for rooms on the first floor it is either an emergency escape window or direct access to a protected stairway (this is one with fire doors etc).

For houses with three stories (eg a house with a loft conversion) then the second storey and above must have a protected stairway.

Nowhere in Building Regs does it say that a room must have more than one exit.

First of all work out what the council rental agreement allows you do to in terms of dividing a room.. Then assuming it is lawful to divide it I would leave the 14 year old where she is and the other 2 can have the divided room. It can also be a lesson to all of the children that if you want to avoid this get very high paid jobs after university and then you can choose to buy 5 bed houses etc. She is 14 and about to start GCSE courses. Her route out of council accommodation could be doing very well at school and very carefully picking jobs with very high salaries.

I think your middle daughter should be prioritised for once.

🙄 at the last part.

But the first part is completely one dimensional. I like to think that as a society we’re more evolved than that.

But I get it now, you’re not very nice, and I’ll just scroll on.

@Another2Cats thanks for the correction. My bad.

All the same from what you've quoted, if his bedroom is on the first floor - as most bedrooms in 3 bed semis are - removing his access to a second escape point does change what is needed to make the house fire safe for him.

If there isn't an escape window then, yes, the rooms will need to be upgraded to have fire doors etc.

This is just the same as if it was a loft extension.

That's fine, "nice" isn't a compliment anyway.