Or does she have squatters rights?

[Bettycrocker7]

We live in a 3 bed semi with no potential to move, extend or convert the attic.
Me and dh have one bedroom, dd13 and ds10 ( he has asd and adhd) share one room.
Dd 14 (she has adhd and asd) has her own box sized room.

Around two and a half years ago ds had the box room and the two girls shared.
My eldest dd was very difficult to share a room with. No emotional regulation, huge meltdowns, repeated unkind behaviour and she would stay up until the early hours.
After months of sleepless nights, we decided to put ds (then 8) and middle dd (then 10) in one room and give eldest dd her own bedroom in the box room. This did restore peace in the house for a while.

We've now reached a point where middle dd (13) needs her own bedroom. Her little brother is annoying her and she is embarrassed to have friends over.

We have found a company who will build us a floor to ceiling bunk bed as a room divider and split the one room into two box sized rooms. At the end of the bunk will be a doorframe with a fully opening and closing door. This will be cladded so that there are no gaps between the two sides of the bed - essentially creating two box rooms.

Middle dd has said she would like the existing orginal box room ( currently dd14 bedroom) to be her room, she is the only one out of the three who hasn't had use of it. She is also the only one of the three to have always had to share a room.

The original box room can only fit a shorty style bed which is perfect as middle dd is quite small. The two new box rooms fit full sized single mattresses which is better for dd14 as she is taller than me.
Where my eldest dd and youngest ds both have adhd and asd they are night owls staying up watching tv until the early hours. Middle dd loves routine and is often asleep by 10ish.

Eldest dd14 is refusing to even discuss a move into one of the newly built box rooms.
She is quite literally claiming squatters' rights. Generally speaking, it's often her way or no way, she isn't able to have calm discussions and will have a meltdown if I try to discuss it with her. When we first brought the topic up (in the car) she shouted a lot and repeatedly shouted no over and over and kicked the back of my chair quite hard.

My gut tells me that middle dd13 is due her turn in the existing box room. I think it's better for the two children that stay up all night to share a party wall rather than all three be awake because either one of them is bugging middle dd.

I also feel that as a family we have always prioritised dd14 needs and that she does need to accept that sometimes in life she can't always get her own way and needs to learn to compromise.

So aibu to insist that DD14 move into one of the newly built box rooms.which fits a bed more suitable for her size? Does DD14 have squatters' rights? Or does DD13 have a fair argument in that she needs some peace and quiet and her turn of the original box room? DD13 has been sharing and compromising for the last two years by sharing with her brother so I do feel her argument has a fair bit of weight to it

Put aside the "fairness" issue.

If your elder DD needs a bigger bed, she needs to move into the longer room. Simple logic. Push that fact.

You are the adult and it's your house, this shouldn't even be a discussion you have with a child.

How big/soundproof/private will the new rooms be compared to the existing box room?

Middle daughter might prefer one once they are done?

I think it makes sense for the night owls to share the party wall and for your taller dd to have the longer bed.

I think as the adults you need to make the decision and make the moves - maybe all 3 children get control over an aspect of their room - new duvet covers/artwork or tv chosen by themselves? Will the 2 new rooms share a doorway or will there be 2? If 2 doors it's literally a none issue. If shared, can a curtain be used to close the gap?

The younger daughter has drawn the short straw repeatedly so she deserves her own space now. It's only fair. It wasn't fair for you to bring it up in the car, you knew how your daughter would react. How do you usually deal with conflict with your oldest?

What's the position with your room? Is it up for discussion?

Can we have a diagram of what things look like now and another one with what you propose please.

@Bettycrocker7 Is it dd14 who's told you she has 'squatters rights'?
If so surely as a squatter she doesn't expect pocket money, meals, lifts, phone, tv etc?

I think in order to claim squatters rights you also have to legally be an adult.

Your children are all children. None of what your suggesting is even vaguely child abuse in any way, so you are 100% fine to insist that ALL of your children do what you say.

The one thing I do wonder is will DD14 cope with sharing a room? I mean I know of some children with ASD who, without their own space to privately retreat into, would simply spend 24/7 in a state of incontrollable melt down unable to cope with people, school or anything else. If two children are very much able to cope sharing, and one child really can't, then it's 100% fair to give the child that can't cope sharing their own room, and make the other two share as long as they are all at home. (In much the same way as it would be fair to give your child in a wheelchair a big ensuite room that would take equipment and had space for them to be changed, while your other children had box rooms and shared a bathroom with each other and you.)

Please sort your daughters attitude out before she goes into the adult world and knows that through her shouting the loudest will ALWAYS gets her way, sick of working with people like this over the years. No mangers ever want to confront them, leading to others suffering, like your other kids always having to share.

But as others have said, you are the adult, you think this is how it should be, then that’s how it should be. My mates mum had the three siblings swap every so often between two rooms so one always got a turn of their own room, in life we have to learn to think of others as well and that means giving someone else a turn of the room/ride/toy or whatever it is!

Section 22 doesn’t apply to people living with the landlord / lodgers. But mainly, the child is 14!!

DD14 sounds awful! Time for DD13 to have her turn. Also most logical solution given what you’ve said!

Mumsnet or children don't decide. You do, it's called parenting ... as is not allowing children to stay up.half the night. Never allowed for any children I know, ADHD or not ... not a chance.

Is the room to be split the medium sized room or is it the largest too
?

*room

At best she has a (revocable!) licence to occupy😄

Just catching up with everyone's replies ( I was on mum taxi service tonight) also the "squatter" part was lighthearted, of course I know she has a right to her own private space. ( although I can fully see her putting a notice on her door and barricading herself in!)

Just this.

Gracious! Squatter's rights was obviously a tongue in cheek turn of phrase!

Who gets the radiator and window?

I’m not sure whether you’re being serious about squatter’s rights, or whether you are asking whether dd14 should morally be allowed to stay where she is? Legally, no she doesn’t 😂

I think you have to make a decision as a parent. Whilst also understanding that the reaction, literal kicking and screaming, is likely to be a meltdown which is neurological and not behavioural, so some of the responses here are inappropriate.

if your decision is that dd14 has to move, then you’ll need to insist, but support her to deal with the transition and the loss of her safe space. It will be incredibly difficult for her, so expect meltdowns. Things like keeping the same bed, keeping everything else the same, etc, are likely to help.

Ah yes, “SEN issues aside”.

If only it was that simple to just put aside the child’s disabilities when it was convenient.

Would you say to a wheelchair user that, physical disabilities aside, you find their need for a ground floor bedroom inconvenient, lots of places they want to go as an adult will be inaccessible and they’re just going to have to learn to walk up the stairs?

Most squatters don't have squatters rights let alone your 14 year old daughter in her bedroom.

Something has to give, and all of the DC will have to compromise, she's not the exception.