Is this bonkers SIL behaviour or am I overthinking it?

[Orangelight23]

I am prepared to be told I maybe unreasonable as I understand that just because people do things a different way to me it doesn't make them wrong.

SIL has a 8 month old baby. I've seen her at least once a month since she's been born. SIL and my brother haven't had any baby free time together since baby was born as up until now she hasn't really wanted to leave her. Her parents are elderly and she has no siblings so for family babysitters there's only really me and my Mum they could ask.

SIL wants to see a particular film that's coming out so I offered to baby sit while her and my brother to and see the film and have a meal out. She accepted on the condition that she first observe me changing baby's nappy and giving her a bottle to just make sure I do it it the same as her.

For context I have 3 children one of whom is still in nappies.

Now I'm not against this as such but is it a bit much? I feel weird like I'm being marked on my baby skills or something!

@WhimsicalGubbins76 🙄🙄🙄

1. 8 months old is a toddler

1. I had both pre & post natal anxiety so bad it was nearing psychosis!

The absolute worst thing you can do, is enable it and condone it! The only way I managed to recover was to see it, recognise it and face it head on.
I had to live with my mum for 3 months when my DD was 8 months old and if she'd have gone along with my ott madness, I would never have recovered! It would’ve escalated & escalated and my mental health would’ve worsened & worsened. It’s common sense.
I'm not suggesting OP stomps off laughing or tutting! You can still be compassionate, empathetic and kind without doing the role play!

I'm entitled to my opinion

This^

I had horrible anxiety about leaving ds for a long time after he was born. People would kindly offer and I tried a few times and it was not pleasant for me in any way so it really wasn't the help people thought it was. It was absolutely nothing to do with me not trusting them - logically these were people who I knew and cared about who I knew would be good to ds and look after him. I just couldn't shake the feeling that something bad would happen and I wouldn't be there for it.

It may just be that she's struggling with anxiety and needs to prove to herself that baby will be OK so she can feel OK about leaving him - all about her and her own mind not actually anything to do with you.

I would also just say that not everyone who has children do things the same/ right way. When ds was little the first nappy my sister did (2 lovely kid's of her own) I had to redo it because he still had poo on him. When he went to nursery and I gave them a bottle of breastmilk for him they added water to it like you would with formula. People make mistakes and things happen. She's a new mum and she's trying to figure out what to let slide and what is worth worrying about. Not everyone adjusts seamlessly into parenthood.

Worst bit… She was a nursery nurse. I learned after that never to let any of them have my children until they could speak. I was told by several members of their family that I was unreasonable, which is why I’m not going to judge this new mum. OP might have three kids that dragged themselves up (not suggesting you do OP) so I won’t invalidate a mothers instinct.

Humour her! She wants a night out and can’t manage it without over-checking.

The bottle thing is relevant - the guidance for how to feed babies to avoid wind has changed since I had last bottle-fed a baby, and paced bottle feeding is important to those of us who endured painful weeks of triple feeding before getting breastfeeding sorted.

There's nothing wrong with lifting the baby's legs up by the ankles to change them. Some rumour has been spread by certain HVs that it affects their hips but on a healthy baby, no it doesn't.

Ha ha ha. Well said

Oh wow. Defo weird behaviour. I wonder if she’s going through post natal depression. I recall being worried about people picking up my daughter and dropping her despite them having children. Looking back and the fact there were other flags I think I was suffering post natal depression but didn’t realise

The funny thing is ime that dc don't stick to the same routine as at home anyway.. Dgc slept through from 5 months at our home. Never did anywhere else.. Not even at home. Just used the same schedule as similar age dc I had.. Worked a charm it seemed. Dil was fuming!! Half arsed laughed anyway!

To be that controlling she deserves to be tied to home and baby. If it was something abnormal or medical I get it but you actually have more experience than her!

She sounds super anxious. I think, just show her some kindness and empathy, show her what she wants, speak to her about her fears and just relay to her that baby will be safe and loved.

As a first time mom, I guess that's understandable, however weird it may sound. Also, it's better than delegating the baby to you every chance she gets.

Make sure you remind her...

very soft YABU.
yes, it's a bit much, but she's clearly anxious about leaving the baby.
it's just a small thing that will reassure her. and I don't think it means you don't know what you're doing. just that she's worried about something going wrong when she's not there. I'm sure that in time she'll become more relaxed about it.

Of all the anxieties to have, rhis is weird

Tell her to poke it! She sounds overly controlling

Might feel a bit ott however if it makes her feel more comfortable and able to leave the baby then just go with it. Send regular updates too, even if you feel it’s too frequent. My mil had 3 kids and 3 other grandkids however wanted to front face in her car seat, bed with a duvet and pillow, rice in bottle with her milk etc so was important I was clear on how I done things and that this was respected before she babysat for us. It’s nerve wracking leaving your baby the first time.

She sounds extremely anxious. Not nuts.

And you sound really unkind to a new mum who is clearly struggling to leave her baby.

It sounds a lot like post natal anxiety and she deserves some empathy that is seriously lacking in some posts on here.

@andthat yeah she may need it pointed out that it’s not normal. I wish someone had done with me.
I did however supervise my husband making up the the formula milk. I was right. He was doing it wrong by adding extra.

There were other things irritating me such as people commenting on my baby. Even compliments such as she’s a Beautiful girl. I just needed to smile and walk away. I went home and cried instead?? 🤷‍♀️

I’m really sorry you had that experience, it’s very isolating. I hope all is well for you now x

@andthat 20 years ago. I was young mum aged 20. Still the stigma around being a young mum despite the fact I had a partner, my own mortgaged house and good job. (Rarity of the age too)
it wasn’t spoke about as much as it is now. I’m glad it’s more open now so people can hopefully recognise and get help.

Oh you could have so much fun with this OP. Do a patronising running commentary as though you are presenting a tv show on how to change a nappy/give a bottle to someone who is both foreign and very thick. 🤣🤣🤣
sounds like she needs to get back to work 🤣🤣🤣

YABU

I wouldn’t take it personal. You would be surprised how many supposedly grown adults do not know how to do basic baby care, do not do it well, or have outdated views.

I’ve been a childcare provider so I just go with the flow and with what is asked unless it’s is obviously unsafe.

She's probably just nervous about leaving the baby. If this little thing makes her feel better I'd just do it.

Glad to hear it’s not something recent that you’re dealing with. I’m glad it’s spoken about more now too…it’s a horrible experience.