Is this bonkers SIL behaviour or am I overthinking it?

[Orangelight23]

I am prepared to be told I maybe unreasonable as I understand that just because people do things a different way to me it doesn't make them wrong.

SIL has a 8 month old baby. I've seen her at least once a month since she's been born. SIL and my brother haven't had any baby free time together since baby was born as up until now she hasn't really wanted to leave her. Her parents are elderly and she has no siblings so for family babysitters there's only really me and my Mum they could ask.

SIL wants to see a particular film that's coming out so I offered to baby sit while her and my brother to and see the film and have a meal out. She accepted on the condition that she first observe me changing baby's nappy and giving her a bottle to just make sure I do it it the same as her.

For context I have 3 children one of whom is still in nappies.

Now I'm not against this as such but is it a bit much? I feel weird like I'm being marked on my baby skills or something!

My brother was living with me when his PFB was born and I made a similar offer. Got told that because I only had sons, they would need to check I knew what I was doing before they would leave their daughter with me and go out. I thanked them for the suggestion, laughed and didn't change a single nappy in the nearly a year they were living with me.

Have to say I feel a bit sorry for this mum as it sounds like she's really anxious about leaving her baby and needs this extra reassurance to take the step. Lots of unkind comments about being batshit, PFB etc. It's not about your competence at all, it's about her anxiety and the fact that she's done it all without help so far. When you're in that position it's really hard to let go and give full control to someone else. Sounds like you want to help facilitate some time off for her and your bro which is lovely so please don't retract the offer. This is what she needs and it's actually a small ask. You know you're perfectly able to care for her baby but right now she's struggling to believe anyone else could do it because nobody ever has. Be kind and humour her!

You know, I don't think I'd be hugely bothered by this! She's obviously anxious, people do things different ways, babies will be used to different techniques, and you'll probably laugh about it all later. I don't think you should take it remotely personally.

I'd rethink my offer OP because this is a ridiculous ask of a woman who's had three children and when the tasks are so basic. Which indicates to me she is not in the right state of mind to leave her baby with anyone without a need to remote control and micro manage. This will be incredibly difficult for you, and has the potential to end in tears should you make the smallest 'error'. My view is that you either trust someone to babysit or you don't. If you do, other than a heads up about any specific needs of the child, its their watch and they get on with it. If she can't do that, she's needs not to leave him.

I was like this with my first. Left my mother (who raised me and siblings not to mention already having other grandchildren) a very detailed list of care instructions for the baby while I went out for half an hour. It’s easy to see the crazy looking back but at the time you’re just so in the weeds with it all.

She does sound anxious.

Doubt that she'll manage a film & a meal the first time out.

If she really wants to go se might be better off building up to it.

Yeah slightly bat shit but my MIL once had my 9mo for the whole day and late in the evening as we were at a wedding and when I got back the new packet of wet wipes in the bag hadn’t been opened. I asked her about it and she said she didn’t use any cos she only did wees and no poo - all day!

She has 4 kids and lots of older grand children so… you never know

It wouldn't hurt for you to do that, would reassure her.

People do get funny ideas about their own baby, it's not personal.

i can understand this. the way guidelines for caring babies changes so quickly, and given this is SIL's first baby, she's bound to be cautious and want to make sure her baby is going to be cared for as she wants it.

my DH and I had our babies a long time ago, and although i've done my research in whats what, my DH goes with the theory that 'i've looked after babies before you know!' and feels the new guidelines don't apply to him!

this

Also - so many unnecessarily harsh responses on here! Calling her a lunatic, batshit, saying you should withdraw all offers of help. Mumsnet can really be a pit of vipers sometimes. So much for women supporting women! She's obviously incredibly anxious and needs extra reassurance that things will be ok if she leaves. May be unusual but that's not an actual crime, is it?

Honestly I sound like your SIL. My PN mental health is in shreds and I can’t bring myself to leave my 8mo with anyone! She clearly wants to be ok with it. Sounds like checking (intrusive thought coping mechanism) so it’s nothing personal to you. People might be saying it’s OTT but it really sounds like she’s having a hard time ❤️

Is she otherwise quite a reasonable person? I agree it sounds weird to put conditions on family babysitting like it's an interview. She could have just said do you mind coming over one day for a few hours for lunch so I can see how baby is and put my mind at rest before leaving her. Unless the baby is prone to something like acid reflux or nappy rash and there's a reason she may be so particular?

@Orangelight23 I see you’ve said you're going along with it but I hope you’re comfortable enough to say something like “I’ve done this for 3 kids of my own so hopefully I’ve not been doing it wrong all this time. And will you be testing my DH since nappy-changing isn’t just women’s work?” In a fun jokey tone of course …

I think this is very gracious of you. As PP have said it is definitely more a reflection of her anxiety rather than of her thinking you will be a sub-par sitter. I would certainly be a bit irked by it especially as it has been framed as she’s checking you’re doing things right rather than there’s a few things she would like you to do- but agree don’t make a big deal out of it and humour her.

You’re doing her a big favour as the more she gets used to other people having her child hopefully the more relaxed and chilled out she will be about it. If she’s planning on child going to a childminder / nursery at some point she will have to get used to the idea of people doing things differently to her and that her child will survive or even thrive in this setting.

Perhaps could be a good time for you to check in re her mental health / anxiety / how she's coping with it all. And hopefully you can definitely laugh about it in the future

This entirely. In your SIL's defence, I am aware of some OTT (IMO) behaviours of new parents.
I would feel really peeved by your SIL's suggestion that she observes you doing something that you have done 10000s of times before but I suggest you paint a smile on your face while she observes you

The bottle thing I wouldn't mind so much - I can think of various reasons - but the nappy thing is nuts! I think you are right. Grit your teeth. It is most likely her anxiety at leaving the baby talking. However, I'd be mental noting it in case it is a sign of things to come.

It’s a lot OP but it’s her first baby and she’s probably just anxious AF about going. It might just help ease her mind a bit! I’m sure you’ll laugh about it in years to come.

In fairness it's the OPs thread so the support given is directed to her interests not those of the other woman. I don't think its in the OPs interests to look after the baby at this time. Too much risk of her doing something wrong in SiLs eyes which could lead to long term damage to their relationship. OP has offered herself as a babysitter not an emotional support to help her SiL over this level of anxiety. It doesn't seem in anyone's interests to go ahead with this.

Anxiety is not an excuse to act however you want with everybody else's indulgence. I would not be entertaining this rudeness.

Wow that is terrifying! He must have been boiling and I can't understand how everyone else thought it was ok!

Dear SIL, I have 3 kids, your PFB will be perfectly safe with me, you don't need to test me!

It’s not a criticism of you - it’s just normal “crazy” from a mother with her firstborn…. You’re doing a lovely thing anyway, I assume because you want to help her, so let it go :)

this is beyond batshit

She's not being bonkers - this is very common in first time mums who haven't put their baby in nursery or with a childminder regularly, and sounds like she has been looking after the baby all the time. It's due to anxiety, and due to having been with the baby full time since she was born, and it's also a first step for her to learn how to let go.

It's definitely not personal and I think she would have asked it of any family member babysitting. It's almost not so much "testing" you but somehow psychologically feeling that she's taken care of the aspects that she feels connect her to her daughter. (I think you can feel insulted if she asks to observe you after her baby has been to nursery and has had 3 babysitters before you.)

You don't have to agree, of course- you could withdraw your offer. However if you agree you would be helping her and your brother - to help her let go a little - if you agree to do it and to babysit of course. Also, she might pick up some tips from watching you as you have three kids.