Is this bonkers SIL behaviour or am I overthinking it?

[Orangelight23]

I am prepared to be told I maybe unreasonable as I understand that just because people do things a different way to me it doesn't make them wrong.

SIL has a 8 month old baby. I've seen her at least once a month since she's been born. SIL and my brother haven't had any baby free time together since baby was born as up until now she hasn't really wanted to leave her. Her parents are elderly and she has no siblings so for family babysitters there's only really me and my Mum they could ask.

SIL wants to see a particular film that's coming out so I offered to baby sit while her and my brother to and see the film and have a meal out. She accepted on the condition that she first observe me changing baby's nappy and giving her a bottle to just make sure I do it it the same as her.

For context I have 3 children one of whom is still in nappies.

Now I'm not against this as such but is it a bit much? I feel weird like I'm being marked on my baby skills or something!

I wouldn't agree to it as it will feed her anxiety and controlling behaviour. She is very welcome to leave you instructions but beyond that she either trusts you or she doesn't - her call. If it was a new born, maybe, but not at 8 months old.

It's harmless enough and if it makes her feel ok about leaving the baby then just go along with it .
To be fair one of my children's grandparents changed a nappy - it was the first and last time after I discovered she did it up so tight it left deep red marks in the babies skin and was the reason why he spent hours screaming !
She is probably way over thinking it all but best to put her mind at rest

@BirthdayRainbow Yep I'll make sure she's aware of how I do things as I know it will be difficult for baby to adapt straight away! Thanks for the heads up

I would rescind the babysitting offer.

I’d be slightly concerned about her TBH. That sounds well outside the normal anxiety about leaving your baby. I’d go along with it but hope you’ll be laughing about it together when she has more children and her PFB is eating dirt with one hand and sherbet with the other.

It's weird. It sounds like SIL has some weird ideas - maybe that an 8 month old will be totally upset if she isn't changed or fed exactly the same, or that having it done differently will hurt her. I think though going along with it is the right decision, because SIL feeling more confident in leaving baby will be good.

I really wanted some time away from my baby but couldn’t bear anyone else looking after her “just in case”. Think of it as giving her the gift of peace of mind, soothing her fear. It’s easy to forget some of the anxiety that comes with your first born child (I had PND which made it worse).

Please do not do this. Do not enable this level of anxiety. She needs to realise she's gone too far, the child is a toddler and you are a mother! Did she 'audition' your brother for the role of father?!

It's not about your competence at all, it's about her anxiety and the fact that she's done it all without help so far.

I thought she had a DH?

The feeding I get as my 7.5 month old is a nightmare with bottles but we can get her settled with milk a particular way so I do show folk that. Not to insinuate they can’t do it, more for their sanity with the wee headstrong bugger 😂

the nappy bit though, that’s bat shit!

It's weird but I don't see the harm in easing someones anxiety.

First of all, read her post properly, the “toddler” is an 8 month old baby.
Secondly, stay well away from anyone who struggles with anxiety because you really haven’t got a clue how to handle it correctly.
Attitudes like yours literally increase someone’s anxiety, the only person who can lessen it is themselves. You can’t bully it away 🙄

I can understand and if it soothes her worries I don't know why you wouldn't just help her out, it'll only take 10 minutes.

Some people, even those who've had children are utterly crap at changing nappies though. I've seen women lifting babies bums up with their ankles, wiping back to front on girls, leaving very obvious poo smears on bums.

Also some people bottle prop or think the best way to give one is to force the baby to chug super fast flat on their backs. She might be pace feeding?

This made me laugh to be honest because I remember doing similar. It’s first baby anxiety and yea it’s way OTT. I remember people thought I didn’t trust them, but I barely trusted myself. It passes, but on this occasion If it eases her worries then try not to take it personally, I’m sure it’s not a reflection on you.

I mean it could go the other way & feed into it?

Perhaps worth seeing exactly what she wants but I think I'd be asking her to show/explain how she wants things doing.

A firm no from me.

Perfect way to deal with it.

Indulging rudeness, paranoia, or unreasonable behaviour is not the "correct" way to deal with anxiety.

Don't be mean, she's probably anxious. Don't offer to help if you're going to butch behind her back.

I think the OP offered to help through kindness and was a little taken aback by the rather unusual response.

I find it very unusual anyway. I've babysat a lot of different babies and kids over the years and not once have I been tested beforehand.

Agree with PP definitely PFB. I remember the first time I left DD1 with my mum for an hour and I phoned 5 times whilst I was out. I wouldn't take it personally.

Unless she is normally a nightmare I would put this down to PFB/anxiety behaviour.

I cringe when I think of the instructions I wrote out for my Mum to look after my son (2 sides of A4 if I remember correctly) when I left him with her. Right down to which direction to rub his back 😆. She just went with it and humoured me! It's almost certainly about her and not you or she wouldn't be leaving the baby with you at all. He's 16 now and although I'm still neurotic I know it's me not anyone else.

^ This.

The nappy is a bit weird but the feeding I get, i have a very sicky baby and after having tongue tie she is at risk of still choking on milk if she gulps it too quick. We pace feed as well. MIL's technique was very different to what we'd been doing so we were glad we observed and she was happy to adjust to what we'd like her to do for baby's safety.

I'd say something like "oh I've never been keen on tests, see if someone else wants to be graded by you" and let her search high and low. You're doing HER a favour by babysitting her child, not the other way round