How can I make Xmas better with MIL?

[pistachio92]

Background my MIL lives by herself in a tiny flat, so she always comes to ours for Christmas, there isn’t anywhere else she could go I do not think. She has never ever hosted us just because she has no space. My issue is that she is quite lazy, she doesn’t ever offer chip in with the cooking and rarely does very much to help out domestically when she is here, most the time she is on her iPad sitting on the sofa. We have two young DC (under 3) so it’d quite a lot to host someone who doesn’t really contribute. She also doesn’t ever organise anything proactively to do with the kids, but she is a fit, active person. She will take one of the DC out if I tell her where to go and book something for her, but it feels like she thinks she is doing me a massive favour. I know she will be wanting to come for 5+ days this Xmas. How can I set some boundaries and get her a bit more integrated into the day to day running of the house?

Cut 5+ to 3? Invite an extra guest who will help with the DC? Start drinking early on Christmas Day?

@Birdscratch haha just drink through it - definitely one strategy.

Three days would be better, I just don't want to put her nose out of joint

I thought you were just talking about Xmas day but 5 days of a lazy house guest when you've got small children! No way!

I'd just say you're not hosting Xmas this year, you want to enjoy the time with small children. You're happy to meet her somewhere halfway for an Xmas dinner the weekend before.

You'll be stuck doing this for the next 20 years if you let it happen every year now. You'll resent her every year and never get a nice chilled Xmas. She's not elderly, she's a grown woman and can make other plans.

How come this is on you to sort rather than your husband?

Some people just doing have the same mindset, and they're not mind-readers so you just have to tell them.

"We'd love to have you <23rd to 26th>, we have plans before and after but those three days would be great if they work for you."

"I'd love a hand with the food on Christmas Day if you're up to it, how about the <dessert>?"

"The kids would love to do an activity with you while you're here's,, the 23rd would be good. Do you want to have a think about what you'd like to do - they love <soft play, crafts, park> if you'd like some ideas."

The first boundary you set is reducing the time to 1-2 days max

Oh what great templates! Do you offer templates for other life conundrums :D

Does she genuinely want to come if she just sits on an iPad all the time anyway? Or does she just feel obliged to come because it’s Christmas?

I’m of leaning towards why is this all on you to host and wait and her anyway, surely your partner can tell him mum that 5 days is too much when you’re a young family to host people/ she needs to at least engage with the kids if she’s coming?

Be busy the run up but suggest dh is able to collect 24th and you have plans with your family 26th so dh can drop her back then.... Seriously this is your christening too. And your dc need you at Christmas not playing the glorified maid...

Also make clear she’s to get her own breakfast and drinks - if that means a ‘hot drink station’ or something so she doesn’t have to rummage through cupboards, even if she knows where stuff it, then do that. Agree with having a word with DH so his greeting involves telling her how it is: I’ll take your bag to your room, mum, everything for drinks is out on the side so feel free to help yourself whenever you want something.

Firstly - takeout. Pizza one night, Chinese the next etc etc.

Secondly - can you book joint family activities? Panto, Carol service, even a local market at that time of year usually has carol singers or a band.

Plan home activities in advance - games that you keep back etc.

Good luck. I don't host so much any more but I used to plan it like a military campaign.

Also agree with this- who really wants their kids memories of mum at Christmas to be a that of a frazzled, semi-resentful maid?

What's DH doing? It's his DM.

@FlingThatCarrot I bloody wish! I have tried to explain to DH that I want a year off but he would not have it. She has a weird hold over him.

If she's generally a nice enough person I'd accept it. And insist on more support from her son.

I assumed it was just Christmas day but 5 days, with 2 small children, no thanks!!

I agree with others, pick up 24th, drop back off 26th. Say you have other plans.

For the sake of a couple days I’d manage, for 5 days, no😂

If she's there for five days, every time your older dc wants something - help with her shoes or a story reading, or a trip to the park, say loudly and cheerfully "Oh, nana would love to do that" and send them in her direction.

If you are busy with one, your favourite phrase all week should be 'take your coat/book/teddy to nana."

She'll soon get the message and either muck in or only come for Christmas Day next year 😀

Why can't she go home the same day or the next day?

You don’t explain, you tell. You’ve done it every other year exactly how they wanted it and it’s your and your kids Xmas too. If he likes he can sleepover at his mums and wait on her at home while you enjoy your kids and Christmas in peace.

Oh it’s like a lot of boys with their Mummies.

They love to be babied by them.

I made it clear to my DH decades ago that his Mum would always be welcome in SMALL amounts.

Yes you need to have other plans. Although I shouldn’t speak as mine would also come that long, she wouldn’t come unless it was for a long visit.
She also did nothing for the entire visit. I didn’t mind. What I minded was the comments on everything and DH always going on about how helpful she was, even though she barely stood up.

You don't "host" her. She can come and stay but that it's no impact on you.

For clarity, she lives 4 hours away so always stays minimum of 3 days to make it worth her while

You can choose to not host. Let your husband enjoy hosting her. Be fully present with your kids and let him get on with it. Don't give it a moments thought.

@Arjee they barely even speak when she's here! No babying going on. I wish there was, would take pressure off me!