How can I make Xmas better with MIL?

[pistachio92]

Background my MIL lives by herself in a tiny flat, so she always comes to ours for Christmas, there isn’t anywhere else she could go I do not think. She has never ever hosted us just because she has no space. My issue is that she is quite lazy, she doesn’t ever offer chip in with the cooking and rarely does very much to help out domestically when she is here, most the time she is on her iPad sitting on the sofa. We have two young DC (under 3) so it’d quite a lot to host someone who doesn’t really contribute. She also doesn’t ever organise anything proactively to do with the kids, but she is a fit, active person. She will take one of the DC out if I tell her where to go and book something for her, but it feels like she thinks she is doing me a massive favour. I know she will be wanting to come for 5+ days this Xmas. How can I set some boundaries and get her a bit more integrated into the day to day running of the house?

I'd work out what your ideal Christmas would look like and work from there. I had something not a million miles away with my MIL. We live overseas and she expected us to travel to her. We did one year. Spent 2 days driving back with a 2 year old. Got there, barely any food in the house. We had to do a food shop, cook Christmas dinner because MIL can't cook. She spent Christmas day drinking then spent the evening crying about her ExH (been divorced for 15 years). My son didn't sleep at all in her home. MIL didn't help at all, just went about doing whatever she wanted as usual. It was the worst Christmas.
We haven't done it since. She hasn't been to visit us despite her being welcome to.
Last year we had the best Christmas. The first one where we weren't trying to please other people at the expense of our own happiness. I potentially only get 18 Christmasses with my son until he leaves home and I'm not going to compromise at Christmas.

You should go away for a night and leave her in charge

@Meadowfinch some good strategies there!

Apart from the fact she is quite useless and refuses to learn how anything works in our house. The amount of times I have shown her how to use the microwave. I asked her to do bed time for my 3 year old when she was here last time and after about 20 mins she phoned me and asked me to take over 🙄

Tell her what to do. Can you set the table while I pour the drinks, can you play with little Johnny while I sort the baby, could you run the vacuum round while I tidy the kitchen, she may get the message eventually. She may not know if she is stepping on your toes if she just does things with a bit of prompting it could be fine. And if she doesn't like helping out she may not be so keen to stay so long another time.

@cheddercherry absolutely this! I must remember this!

Sorry rant over. As others have said plan stuff in for MIL with the kids or her and the kids. Ask DH what he wants to do with MIL (it's his mum) and tell him what days he needs to organise things on. Either someone helps you with the dinner on Christmas day or DH and MIL can organise booking dinner at a restaurant if they don't want to help. Book some stuff in that you want to do too. Everyone should get to do a bit of what they want over the holidays

Simple answer: you can't.

So you tell your DH that you need a year off from having her stay. That it's not fair on you and the children and that under no circumstances are you having any overnight guests in your home over Christmas this year. End of.

You've put up with this shit for long enough, now it's your turn to have a good Christmas for once.

Tell DH he needs to compromise. It’s three days max or nothing.

Do you never see your family at Christmas? What if you wanted to go away?

If DH is difficult, make plans to go to your family with the DC on Boxing Day and leave him entertaining her.

Decline any pressure. You're choosing to make yourself miserable, her son can host.

What do you mean he "won't have it"?

He is forcing you to host her, in your OWN home? He is instructing you to do something you don't want to do? He is not the boss of you. Put your foot down and refuse a visit this year.

Otherwise I'd fuck him off too, as well as her.

You don't need his permission!

Ask her to help with specific tasks eg peel veg, lay table

Arrange eg pantomime, ballet so you get out of the house

Remember that, in future, you might be the MIL in this situation. Treat her as you would wish to be treated

Say....
Do you want to peel the parsnips or the potatoes.
Do you want to make the starter or the dessert
Do you want to take the kids out or do the dishes

Don't let doing nothing be an option

5 days
That's mad
How did you get roped I. To that
One day is plenty
Tell your dh he is to take her home on Christmas day evening
Start as you mean to go on
She's taking the piss

@pistachio92 Do you have parents around for you to visit on boxing day? if not, can you take your kids out and do something good with them like ice skating or something to break up your day of dread? definitely drive her home first but next year you need to dictate that you are not entertaining his mother. does he have siblings who can do it for a change or does she have any friends who are also on their own? how old are the kids? better still book a hotel for christmas meal near your MIL then you only have to see her for the one day when you go to eat! and he should be doing all the cooking for a change to give you a rest. you can also feign an accident and sprain your wrist or ankle!

Sadly no parents to go visit 😔

We run Christmas like a miltary operation. Every single task is on our plan with the time it needs to be done next to it. Nobody is allowed to opt out. You can't sit down and play on your phone/with your pressies until there's a gap in the timings. Everyone knows the rule and actually everyone quite enjoys it.

So a random made up example would be:
8.00 clear up breakfast
8.05 wash up breakfast pots
8.10 put breakfast pots away
11.00 tidy up living room
11.30 set the table
11.35 peel potatoes
11.40 peel carrots

Etc.

@Arjee

if you have a son, I wonder if his future wife will take the same approach towards you?

It’s really not ok for your DH to insist his mother comes and then makes no effort with her. I’d say this is more where your problem lies OP. Is he always this ambivalent to your wants/needs?

so if you did Christmas last year, this year its your husbands turn to organise it. He and his mum can do it together . Yes it will be a shambles , but if your children are small, alll they care about is getting presents, eating sweets and playing with their toys . So you do that while your DH and MIL do the meal and everything else.

Let your DH buy the food cooks all the meals , do the laundry etc. float aorund with a dink in your hand and say things like “ let me know what i cna do to help” and then do nothing . Of be helpful; and take the kids out to the park / children’s carol service .

Basically just act like a man , except you need to buy the kids gifts and play with them , So not totally like a man.

Sorry for the terrible typing on phone with no reading glasses

Yet again, a woman is told to delegate, fein a broken wrist, or suck it up and have a horrible Christmas instead of encouraging her that it's OK to put her foot down and just say NO! Not happening, not this year. End of.

Yes.
I'm blessed not to have PIL and my narcissistic abuser of a mother in another country, so it's just husband and me.
👍

This x1000. Tell him that if he insists on hosting, he can do it ALL.

Limit it to 3 days

Don’t serve her drinks or snacks. Set up easy stations for both for the duration of her stay that everyone can use.

If you want her in the kitchen, have her get her own breakfast and lunch.

change your expectations with regards to integrating her into the working household. She isn’t there to help out. Even if it seems logical for her to help with the children to get to bond with her grandchildren, if she doesn’t rise to the occasion, just let it go. Some grandparents just want to sit and watch the children play.