How can I make Xmas better with MIL?

[pistachio92]

Background my MIL lives by herself in a tiny flat, so she always comes to ours for Christmas, there isn’t anywhere else she could go I do not think. She has never ever hosted us just because she has no space. My issue is that she is quite lazy, she doesn’t ever offer chip in with the cooking and rarely does very much to help out domestically when she is here, most the time she is on her iPad sitting on the sofa. We have two young DC (under 3) so it’d quite a lot to host someone who doesn’t really contribute. She also doesn’t ever organise anything proactively to do with the kids, but she is a fit, active person. She will take one of the DC out if I tell her where to go and book something for her, but it feels like she thinks she is doing me a massive favour. I know she will be wanting to come for 5+ days this Xmas. How can I set some boundaries and get her a bit more integrated into the day to day running of the house?

@pistachio92 She’s not going to chip in. You know this so don’t set yourself up for disappointment

the only control you do have is length of stay. Tell your dh that he can go and collect her on 23/24th and she’ll go back after 3 days. MAX!

tell her that due to other commitments, she can come between x and y dates and H will run her back.

Seriously ask dh what he is cooking as you will be having Christmas playing with your dc... And mean it. Your dc won't care what's for lunch. If dh does he can cook it.

This is based on shaming. She has no shame, your DH doesn't, you want to have a lovely Christmas for the DC and your family, so you fill the gap and do all the work.

You can't change him or her but you absolutely can reflect on how much you do and why.

Re my DH, he has cooked 2 out of 3 years because I have had a new born / was breastfeeding, he does his fair share. I have done all the planning, food shopping, gifts, wrapping, booking events. Still do quite a bit of cooking and we share the cleaning up. He gets the tree and does all the decorating. The communication is really poor between him and his mum. So it's me orchestrating...

First is she lonely? I would love to see how many of you will be with family when older and no one else.

Nice as it would be if all grandparents were good with children - not all of them are! My own mum is not the helpful time and yes that hs burned me up at times - but you know what, she did her job as a parent bringing up your husband - now she is a guest in your home.

In many cultures (not the british one!) she would not be expected to help. Can you just see it as being a caring host - I agree 5 days would grate on my nerves but - once a year? I do find the tone depressing here.

If she just sits with an iPad it wouldn’t worry me. If she passed remarks or expected fancy presents, then I wouldn’t invite.

I don’t like ppl helping as they get in the way and ask where everything goes, my house, so I do it all. If I am a guest they the host can do it all.

@Momtotwokids I should think so, I certainly would not want her alone, but also likewise it's hard to accept that she's going to be coming to us every year forever more

If she’s lonely why doesn’t she look up from sitting on an iPad for most of the stay?

According to OP she doesn’t speak to her son, doesn’t speak to the kids and barely speaks to OP except to ask her to come and sort the kids?

Just book stuff - pantomime, theatre, cinema, shopping, bowling, light trails, play places.

Have a pub lunch or dinner out one night, have a takeaway or ready meal dinner on the first night.

Christmas eve, bought in fish pie. Boxing day, leftovers and picky bits.

Breakfasts are help yourself. As are drinks,

And then otherwise just carry on with your normal Christmas that you would have whether she was there or not.

Stop enabling both of them to be uncommunicative...

Let them bump along.

Open a bottle of Prosecco in the morning and slowly drink it all day. I find it takes the edge off family Christmas irritation.

I be understand the frustration as I have the same with a family member. Just sits there eating the chocolates and commandeering the TV with rubbish. Kids never get to see anything good on Xmas day but luckily it's every other year, so I just have to take the higher ground.

Maybe say you have some plans and say she can stay for 3 days?

@pistachio92 i would only have her from christmas eve till boxing day. that is ample time for her to read every page of the internet on her ipad!! dont let your hubby bully you into making it 5 days! that would be torture and how much rest would you get till you returned to work!

The communication is really poor between him and his mum. So it's me orchestrating

So stop. 🤷🏻‍♀️

It will feel like forever but it won’t be. In my case it was ‘only’ 23 years, Which was enough. We eventually got it down to Xmas day only but that was because she moved from 5 hours away to round the corner. And she didn’t drink, didn’t eat pasta, rice, spicy things, foreign food, and took sauces under protest. She had an incredibly annoying habit of using the cutlery to inspect her food before she started eating. She liked children to sit still and play quietly.
As people say establish boundaries and let them become the accepted pattern so three nights max, arrive afternoon of 23rd leave lunchtime on 26th. Take away on the evening she arrives. Brunch on the day she leaves. It is your family home and routine so she should work round that. Also set boundaries with your dh, his mother he leads in entertaining her, and building relationships between her and your children, nice long walk for all except you on Christmas Eve while you are ‘busy in the kitchen’ or in the bath with wine and book!
I spent as much of the day as I could in the kitchen, used to do amazing things with left over turkey😂.

If you want her to help, then ask her. She might think that she doesn't want to get in your way, or that you could be one of those people (like me tbh) who'd rather have the kitchen to herself when preparing a meal.

It doesn't need to be a big deal. Just "MIL, would you mind peeling the potatoes for me" or "MIL, could you set the table please?"

That's how it always worked with me and my MIL, whether she was staying with us, or us staying with her. When we needed help we'd ask for it (though in our case we'd also say 'is there anything we can do?' but be perfectly comfortable saying or being told 'no, it's all fine, thanks')

Then stop orchestrating.

Templates available on request 😂

My advice is to not host. Just go about your business as though she’s not there and it’s not Christmas. Let DH do all the Christmas business. It’s his mum. His idea. He wants this. He can plan, shop, cook, blah, blah, blah…. You just do the fun stuff. Play with the kids, drink wine, answer calls from friends.

But that’s on him, not you. It’s his mother, not yours. He needs to tell her 3 days max, you both need downtime given how young the dc are and that doesn’t mean hosting some lazy guest who does nothing the whole time. He should be organising this whole shebang, not you.

Most people assume people with very young DC don't want to travel because it's so much hassle.

Go out with DH and the kids a day before she arrives for an early Christmas lunch then, on the day, just get some quick 'shove in the oven' party food instead. If she complains, just tell her it's too hard cooking a huge lunch with no help so from now on; you're not doing it. Other than that, tell DH he has to host his mother and cook for her (on the other days) because you've had enough of it.

why wouldn’t be fair on the children?

@LuckySantangelo35 I'm not the person you asked, but as well as being unfair in OP running around after MIL, OPs children will get less of their mum, because she's running around after another adult who is too lazy to do much to help out. That's unfair on the children.

Thanks for all your thoughts ladies. I am definitely going to hold my ground on the length of stay, 3 days max with clear arrival and departure times. I am also going to ask her to pre make or bring a part of the main meal, eg dessert, cheese board etc. I think I'll suggest activities with kids closer to the time based on what we get up to. Thinking just a takeaway on arrival day and then a family lunch on Xmas eve (where I will be having a few glasses of wine). On Xmas day I think I will suggest DH and MIL take kids out for a walk so I can crack on with Xmas dinner. I am also going to simplify the menu and Prosecco will be flowing from breakfast time.