How can I make Xmas better with MIL?

[pistachio92]

Background my MIL lives by herself in a tiny flat, so she always comes to ours for Christmas, there isn’t anywhere else she could go I do not think. She has never ever hosted us just because she has no space. My issue is that she is quite lazy, she doesn’t ever offer chip in with the cooking and rarely does very much to help out domestically when she is here, most the time she is on her iPad sitting on the sofa. We have two young DC (under 3) so it’d quite a lot to host someone who doesn’t really contribute. She also doesn’t ever organise anything proactively to do with the kids, but she is a fit, active person. She will take one of the DC out if I tell her where to go and book something for her, but it feels like she thinks she is doing me a massive favour. I know she will be wanting to come for 5+ days this Xmas. How can I set some boundaries and get her a bit more integrated into the day to day running of the house?

How old is she?

No other siblings/relatives?

How much hosting/prep/parenting does your DH do over Christmas/generally?

She’d be my ideal guest. I find people in my kitchen getting in my way and putting things in the wrong places irritating. Sit on the sofa, play with your iPad and I’ll bring you a cup of tea when I make one for myself. That’s no trouble really, is it?

I don’t invite guests to send them off out with my children or tell them to do the bedtime routine.

I suspect your H isn’t doing his fair share and that’s where your resentment should be targeted.

Have you tried talking to her? She might be sat there thinking” I have to go to DSs for 5 days over Xmas because they are expecting me to but I dont want to appear ungrateful.DIL never let me do anything so I feel a spare part “ etc. All Im saying is you need to talk to her to find out if theres a different way that suits you all

Are we reading the same thread?

Airbnb in a nice but nearby place?

Full on holiday?

Or just say no. You aren’t doing it. You have to stick to your guns.

if diddums wants Mummy there, he can look after her - why should you run around after her both of them?

To be honest, I would just pretend she's not there. You won't be doing anything you wouldn't be doing if she wasn't.....

it's really no wonder we have an epidemic of lonliness -

I don't love overstayers as house guests myself but some of this is so miserable

tell her not to come? tell her to come for one day? refuse to maker her cups of tea?

jesus christ I have family who are hard work but I make them cups of tea if they visit once a year!

There's nothing you can do to change how she is. Your options are..

• Eat out somewhere local to you and reduce her stay to 3 days
• Eat out somewhere local to her so she doesn't have to stay over at all
• Leave it as is and reduce your expectations of her

You’re being walked over by your husband AND his mum. You really need to speak up and make it clear what level you will happily put up with. Some great advice on this thread but you have to take some responsibility to stand up for yourself

Totally agree!!

Maybe house guests should make themselves more agreeable to their hosts by being cheerful company, offering to help, playing with the children etc.

Also, staying for five days is quite an imposition, so maybe OP's MIL should suggest coming for a shorter period of time.

How often is he expected to tolerate his in laws for? Many women in here seem surgically attached to their own family.
Sometimes it's difficult to know what to do as a guest, not wanting to be in the way in the kitchen for example. Maybe give her a specific job e.g. laying the table on Christmas Day. I do agree that 5 days is too long though, I would hate being a guest for so long!

@ReadingSoManyThreads

why wouldn’t be fair on the children?

Honestly if I'm a guest in someone's house I'm a guest in someone's house. I'm certainly not going to be cooking or putting washing up away for them or anything because I don't know where any of it goes and I'd drive them insane. I tried to chop strawberries once at my MIL after offering to help her and you'd have thought I was doing brain surgery with just a laser pointer and a plastic knife the amount of criticism I got.

Even more so at Christmas when people are tired and impatient. Everyone does things differently. It's best off she's out of the way and not under your feet, you can give her plenty of activities to do with the kids. And if she wants to talk about how grateful you should be then great, you've got them all out of the way and it's a win win.

Women may be more likely to be very close to their own families, but are less likely to put all the responsibility for preparing meals and waiting on them hand and foot onto their husbands.

Does she feel comfortable at your house? Comfortable enough to get involved and help or do things with the kids. If she lives 4 hours away she might not know where to take the kids or about things to do?
Some people hate other people in their kitchens perhaps she thinks that way?
Maybe suggest things she could do to help or activities to do with the children

I’m pretty sure you fancy a tropical Christmas alone this year, don’t you? I’ve heard the Bahamas are lovely. You can sit on a sun lounge under a palm tree, drinking a cocktail from a pineapple with an umbrella and FaceTime DH and MIL back at your place to say “Merry Christmas” and offer them a cheerful toast.

@yeaitsmeagain point is she never hosts us, not once so it's not reciprocated - and we have two very young DC. One or both of us are up at 5:30am every morning, sometimes during the night, and we prob finish bedtime close to 9 some nights. Family help each other out and that's a value I want to instil in my kids.

@HeddaGarbled I think it's completely reasonable to expect she does something with her grand kids over Xmas - for her sake but also to give us a break.

@waterrat I agree with you, I am not about to uninvite her, that is not in the spirit of Xmas at all, I wouldn't want her to be alone

@Fraaahnces I would miss them all too much I think - but yes I hope one day we can all go away for Xmas without MIL

Then he needs to call her to help with whatever needs doing!

Don't you even offer to wash up? Or clear plates?

I understand if the host says no, but you should offer!

@pistachio92 So have you talked to her?

@Sidebeforeself I was planning on messaging her soon to organise Xmas and thought it would be good to have some boundaries - mostly around the length of time she stays and what would be our expectation of her eg that she chips in with cooking at some point and that she does something with the kids

I will disagree with the doing something with the kids

Even though she's a parent she might be terrible with children or really not enjoy playing with them. And that isn't fair on the kids. And if she wanted a relationship with them she'd have one. As long as she doesn't ignore or tell them to go away leave that.

But she needs to help.

What does your DH do?