How can I make Xmas better with MIL?

[pistachio92]

Background my MIL lives by herself in a tiny flat, so she always comes to ours for Christmas, there isn’t anywhere else she could go I do not think. She has never ever hosted us just because she has no space. My issue is that she is quite lazy, she doesn’t ever offer chip in with the cooking and rarely does very much to help out domestically when she is here, most the time she is on her iPad sitting on the sofa. We have two young DC (under 3) so it’d quite a lot to host someone who doesn’t really contribute. She also doesn’t ever organise anything proactively to do with the kids, but she is a fit, active person. She will take one of the DC out if I tell her where to go and book something for her, but it feels like she thinks she is doing me a massive favour. I know she will be wanting to come for 5+ days this Xmas. How can I set some boundaries and get her a bit more integrated into the day to day running of the house?

Great plan!

Make it clear from before she arrives, this year is different..

'We're all going to pull together this year Nanna so we're going to divvy up all the jobs and ensure everyone gets some time to rest and relax and no one gets left with all the hard work.

Would you prefer to be in charge of washing up, veg prep, child entertaining or general tidying/hoovering/dusting?'

Let her know there is no free ride this year where she gets to splat on the sofa and do sweet FA whilst all the other adults run around like blue arsed flies.

When she arrives, show her where everything is, and tell her she must help herself as you're too busy to keep checking she has all she needs.

From then on:

• Only offer drink/sandwich/snack if you're having same yourself.
• Don't ask her what she would like, just offer what you're already making, for main meals
• Don't ask her if she would like to do X Y Z. Tell her, 'Nanna, you're on spud chopping tonight/you're doing the dishes...'
• Tell the kids 'ask Nanna, I am busy' or 'Your Gran can do that with you, go and talk to her' etc. EVERY TIME.

Continue in that vein the entire time, it will be the last time she wants to spend a significant chunk of time vegetating in your house!

It's one extra person for 5 days, it's not that much extra work and she doesn't sound that hard work, it's not like she's critical, she's just detached and it's mainly her not helping when you are at a busy and difficult stage of life. I can see that's frustrating but it'll get easier as the DC get older. I think you just need to give her manageable jobs to do, most people will peel spuds or whatever if asked. Other people's small children are hard work so I have sympathy with her not wanting to do bedtime (I sometimes didn't want to do it with my own children when they were particularly difficult!).

I'm surprised how many people think it's fine to leave a parent alone for Christmas, sounds like the OP's DH is an only child and his mother is either widowed or divorced so if she doesn't come to them she's going to be alone. I'd never leave widowed MIL alone for Christmas, in fact the year she was widowed we hosted all of DH's family so had 12 people in the house for a week which was a lot but I just delegated. Some guests were more helpful than others! I always take time off in the New Year to recover from hosting though, the school holidays after new year are our family time.

@JaninaDuszejko I agree with everything you've said. I think I've just felt really disappointed for last couple of years that she didn't do more to help when I essentially had a baby attached to me. Ultimately I just want to make it a nice experience for everybody - me included - but particularly so it's magical and harmonious for the kids. I think the key is reducing how much big meals we're making in the home. And having a plan for how I want things to go. Whether I want to be or not, I am the matriarch and everyone looks to me for what to do next.

Three days max, and give her jobs to do.

There is no easy answer to hosting older relatives at Christmas, I had an extremely difficult MIL who was widowed at 65, DH was one of three children, one moved abroad and her daughter and her DH used to accept invitations to go away for Christmas. We hosted her nearly every Christmas for 18 years, it was hard and cast a shadow over Christmas, but we couldn’t have let her be alone at Christmas.

She did always do what she could to help and brought treats etc so not as bad as the OP’s MIL, but it wasn’t easy. Sadly my DH died before her so that brought an end to the Christmas visits as his brother stepped up having moved back to the U.K., by then her daughter had died too it was all very sad really.

OP I think your plan sounds very sensible and three days should be easier all round, as per PP life will get easier too as the children get a little older and things may feel more manageable then.

Can you just have buffet meals with pre-cooked roast meat, salads, breads, cheese boards, etc? Rather than the work of prepping and timing big meals?

But the same women don't allow their husbands to be close to their families, he is now in her 'little family' and a part of her wider family. Maybe a lot of men loathe their in-laws, Les Dawson style.

Good plan op.
She's not wrongly for expecting to spending time with her family but she's grey wrongly rose be expected to be hosted in this way with small dc.

Your absolute in your right to put your foot down.
His mum probably makes more of a fuss than you do. Be the bigger fuss and the fact he buggers off or spear speak to her 😰 like sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo many men 🤬🤬🤬🤬

Sounds like you've got a good plan to minimise the work now so that's good. I'd have a word with your DH and make sure he engages her in family life. And have some relaxed days just the 4 of you after she's left.

That just would not be Christmas or even a weekend option for me. If I visited someone and that were the food options offered, I’d not return.
However it might stop the OPs MIL returning next year, so that could be a good option 😃

I think I'd carry on round her. Just serve her a portion if whatever you're having when you're having it and get on with your usual life with her just there as part of the furniture. Other than the main meals, I'd say 'Make yourself at home MiL and help yourself to breakfast/lunch things' then at least the hosting aspect is minimal.

I know someone whose Mil is poison. I feel so sorry for him. She’s just moved to the same town where her other daughter also lives. Basically he’s stuck with her for ever now.

I agree with this.

Mil is a guest, she shouldn’t really have to do housework and chores to feel welcome.

I understand the frustration because we have to have BIL here and he literally just takes up room and doesn’t bring anything or add anything.

But I can’t imagine telling him to get up and do jobs. I definitely wouldn’t do it to the woman who raised my DP - she’s done her time of child rearing and hosting Christmas.

Give her a clear list
2 bottles of prosecco
Cheese board with xyz cheeses
Profiteroles
Christmas pud

Shes taking the piss! Make her work for it. Bundle the kids in the pushchair one morning and get her to take them out for a walk whilst you prep dinner.
Get her to chop veg. Cheeky woman!

@Mum2jenny @BettyBardMacDonald definitely going to do a big Xmas meal, going to prep a few components (ham, braised cabbage, cauliflower cheese) the morning of Xmas eve, then go out for a boozy lunch, cheese board for the evening with other items like a big posh pork pie, mince pies, pate, nice fruits, meats etc

Then cook a big meal on Xmas day. Plan to get family to peel all the veg, then get them to take kids out for a walk to leave me to get on with everything in peace (/ get drunk by myself) and dinner will be served when they get back.

Left overs for dinner and then miscellaneous Xmas soup for brunch the next day, then 👋