To have taken this a little personal - comment about Cheryl / Liam

[Ionlytrymybest]

I will try not to drip feed and maybe she didn’t mean it the way it came across but I will try not to drip feed but can not give the whole background as it would be a novel and completely outing so will change some details,

DC was 7 when their dad died. We had been separated at this point for 7 years . I raised DC from 2 weeks old on my own. They knew their dad and he did have moments where DC existed I would say on average they saw him twice a year other than this there was a lot of drug history / rehab / cancellations of visits for holidays. DC loved them though and I did protect them from any sort of knowledge of what’s was happening.
at the time of his death there had been no contact for 6 months but I had heard he was in a bad way / with the wrong people again and was arrested for drug related offences. We had a few mutual friends.
the day I had to tell DC had died was the hardest thing I had to do. Instantly heartbroken and there was a lot of feelings to navigate as he wasn’t a solid fixture in their life they really struggled with processing that they were never going to get the chance to have the relationship with their dad they so desperately wanted. He died during a drug induced psychotic break down and refusing treatment for a septic track mark.
at the time I tried my best to navigate but it has been 7 years of hurt and pain / harassment / picking up the pieces when he was meant to come but didn’t.
I was heart broken for DC but it didn’t really impact my life apart from I was never going to get harassed again ( I know this sounds awful ) but I was very upset for DC. When it came to the social media posts my dc became ( not on the scale of world wide ) but locally the attention of everyone’s Facebook posts “ devoted dad to Ellie “ ( not real name )
which I won’t deny made me boil and then anger set in I then got angry that after all these years I was still going to be the one to pick up the pieces. Then it went back to sadness then guilt then anger again like it was a total rollercoaster of feelings. I never discussed my feelings with anyone because my DC feelings were all that mattered.
my DC did not want to attend the funeral, and I didn’t force it which did cause some backlash with his family ( who saw them even less than he did ) I was send the eulogy before hand as it came with the invite and was posted on some website. They had not even got our DC name right !
so I didn’t force it and I didn’t speak publicly about what had happened or sent any condolences to be honest.
I took DC out to a place that was a reminder of him and we had an our own day and got them in to therapy. Every year I make sure we have a day when it’s the anniversary. My only focus was DC.
our mutual friend who I have remained friends with since ( a good few years ago now ) commented on the lack of dedicated words to Liam in Cheryl’s statement and how it was very cut and dry and about bear and that there should have been some love towards him- she then made a sharp comment of “ guess another one who will portray them as a bad father / partner instead of one who was mentally ill “ - no one knew what it was like dealing with it for 7 long years of destruction. I had all the sympathy in the world for his parents / friends etc but I couldn’t pretend that he was this legendary devoted father who didn’t make my life hell and pretend he was all of a sudden a hero.
disclaimer I’m not saying that Liam was a bad dad etc I have no idea what his and Cheryl’s relationship was but from the history I’m sure she has dealt with the worth of this situation and bear for a while but again no idea so it’s not a debate about that but would you have taken this as a complete dig at me and not publicly sharing love and support for DC father ?

It’s either a purposeful dig or a thoughtless reveal of their attitude towards you and your situation. Either way I would want to distance myself from that mutual friend. I’m sorry you had to listen to that comment.

Your mutual friend clearly has no insight into the very challenging situation you dealt with over those years.

Try not to take it to heart.

Either thoughtless or a pointed dig. What's your gut feeling?

Also, it sounds like you dealt with a lot and prioritised your child through it all. Well done.

Your mutual friend sounds horrible

I just read Cheryl’s statement and it’s very supportive of Liam, I’m surprised your mate took issue with that. Just looking for drama where none exists. Are you sure you want to continue calling her a friend?

To be honest I just didn’t even respond I was a
bit taken back. I was in total shock and not in shock at the same time - I always knew I was going to get that phone call one day but was still so shocked at the same time when it did - hope that makes sense.
I remember the only person I confided in was actually my child’s disability social worker who once DC was back at school and all of a sudden I could be truthful about what was going on inside my brain
I remember saying to her “ can I tell you something, I don’t care, I don’t care that his dead and I’m angry I am so angry why wasn’t she enough and why does he get to die leave me with the mess and after 7 years of doing nothing be a bloody hero “

no as I said this was never aired apart from to social worker, I hid my feelings but I guess probably not well enough but the truth is that feeling at the time did pass it went in motions one day I was sad the next angry. One day I had sympathy the next day I didn’t it was absolutely chaos in my mind but I don’t think I could of done anything differently and suppose I have never thought about it in this way but this convo really triggered the memories :(

I think maybe some time or social media and not engaging with her for a bit might be what I need.
sorry I’ve been awake all night with the comment just sat there and me thinking about it !

You know your truth. Please try not to take this too deep, you have prioritised your dc above all else and you know in doing so you have protected them and supported them.
I haven’t read the statement but you can’t compare your situation to anyone else’s, you don’t know their circumstances.
Thoughtless dig perhaps from ‘friend’ who had no idea what your day to day life looked like from the inside. I agree, take some time off social media and also a step back from anyone who doesn’t build you up and make your life better. 💐

I thought Cheryl’s statement was very warm towards Liam so I wonder whether your friend was making this comment deliberately towards you. Gut feeling will probably tell you. Well done for coping with such a difficult situation. It must be so difficult

It sounds like you've handled an awful situation brilliantly, well done for being there for the kids, you'll always be their hero. Distance yourself from this friend, you don't need to surround yourself with people like this 💐

She said it was very much about being heart broken about navigating the situation / bear and the press not a statement about losing Liam and what a great dad/guy he was.

I responded before reason it to be fair well bear is probably her main focus right now and that’s okay .. which is then she responded with that comment.

I just wouldn’t want to remain friends with someone so lacking in sensitivity whatever her motives. You sound so much nicer than her. I would go low contact going forward and never trust her again.

70% of language is unspoken, so you felt it was a dig at you, right? If that's the case, then it is likely you are right and it's a dig, but I would ask who they were referring to. Give the apparent friend opportunity to explain themselves, then decide if they're a friend you want to keep.

I thought the same, I thought Cheryl was very defensive of him and it was an excellent statement. I thought OPs friend must be just using it to draw inaccurate parallels as a way to mention to OP that she felt she didn't eulogise or canonise her ex enough after he died. it sounds like there's been a general feeling that way. OP you have been dignified and fair and prioritized your DC, just because people die they don't ascend to sainthood and you have every right not to be joining in that stuff with what he put you through. His people can mourn the loss, waste and sadness of someone with poor choices, poor mental health and addiction issues etc and support his memory in that way, your job is to support and protect your DC which his entire life style life choices and life end made challenging for you and you need to constantly navigate.

Thank you, you have all made me feel miles better.
it’s a weird one time has definitely passed but suppose a lot of words and conversations at the time went unspoken. Maybe current news events have opened these conversations up.

I wonder if your ex played the victim with his friends - given all the devoted dad to Ellie posts and implied that you didn't appreciate what a devoted dad he was etc. Hence the mutual friend still backing him years later. Whatever this friend doean't sound healthy to be around for you so I'd keep my distance if I were you.

I don't think anybody should compare their own situation to that of two people who nobody really knows. The celebrity image isn't real.

You sound like a fab mum OP - I agree with PP, that it is best to distance yourself from this friend. Have you had any counselling?

She said she was working through her own grief. That's enough. Cheryl doesn't owe the world a statement at all, never mind an in-depth look at what she feels about Liam.

Your friend is no friend. She has no empathy and has no desire to understand what you've been through.

I don't think I would bother to respond.

Btw, kudos for being the parent that your child needs, when the father couldn't. Parenting is tough enough, without everything else that you were dealing with.

This person isn’t a friend to you.

Unless she had someone else in mind whose ex and father of their kids who also died BUT was a genuinely good dad, then didn’t think through what she was saying and how it relates to you. But what are the chances of that?

She was basically saying that you, have made your ex out to be a bad Dad now that he is dead and he wasn’t. She is wrong About you. And she clearly has very little, if any, empathy.

She wouldn’t be a friend of mine any longer.

I just read Cheryl's statement

I cannot believe her comment was not a dig.

You have had to deal with the unimaginable both whilst he was alive and post death. You must be an incredibly strong person.

She is not your friend

I would be radically distancing myself

I think your friend is either very tactless or is one of those people who thinks once someone dies all the bad they did is erased and they can only ever be remembered as a wonderful person.

you did the right thing for your DC, your ex sadly sounds like a useless father who caused you (and your DC through cancelled visits etc) a lot of pain and I’m not surprised you didn’t feel sadness. You sound like a wonderful mother and frankly at the end of the day that’s all that matters. Ignore your friend, she’s clearly been lucky enough in life not to have to navigate this horrendous situation

Weirdly I should probably have added when I say mutual friend she was originally his friend. We met via him but remained friends throughout because she had a DC so I’m guessing she probably always took his side and probably did resent me afterwards. It’s weird the whole thing was so messy but not messy at all because I really didn’t play in to all the drama. I lived my life very separate- never chased him for money or to see DC just wrongly or rightly so accommodated the best I could when they randomly turned up again. They could have DC on their worn for medical reasons and so I always had to play happy families for the 1-2 days a year in a day trip out - so wasn’t like I was malicious or anything.

I would point out to the ‘friend’ that you can be both mentally ill and a bad parent. Your dp was a bad parent even if he was struggling. He chose drugs over his dc.
If you as the mother had done the same and your dc was cared for by her df I guarantee your friend would describe you as a bad parent and the df would be a hero, but of course you’re female.

I'm amazed you bit your tongue and didn't tell your so called friends exactly what he put you and your dd through. No doubt your friend has a rose tinted view of your ex, maybe she was even jealous of your relationship at some point? I think she isn't the friend you thought she was and I would just distance myself from her a bit if I were you. If she ever asks why then tell her straight. You found her comments quite insensitive of the difficulties you went through with your ex.

I do also think there is a bit of hate towards me because I explained to DC how and why he died which in my defence I didn’t want to, but the grieving service told me the best thing was honestly because If I portrayed him as this perfect loving father who just was busy all those times then DC might belief they were the problem and why they never visited - hope that makes sense.
It was also difficult because DC struggled massively with health including sepsis not to explain that it was different circumstances because they have a condition on the same risk as think “ oncology “ and so we didn’t want them to panic they were going to die to.
I can see that maybe to his family etc I might not have responded the way they wanted me to and I haven’t been overly friendly with them since ( not mean either ) but I don’t go out of my way to engage with them. I do however always answer my phone to his mum and allow her to speak and see DC when wanted However that’s only happened on their birthday once her their birthday and they have never visited.