To have taken this a little personal - comment about Cheryl / Liam

[Ionlytrymybest]

I will try not to drip feed and maybe she didn’t mean it the way it came across but I will try not to drip feed but can not give the whole background as it would be a novel and completely outing so will change some details,

DC was 7 when their dad died. We had been separated at this point for 7 years . I raised DC from 2 weeks old on my own. They knew their dad and he did have moments where DC existed I would say on average they saw him twice a year other than this there was a lot of drug history / rehab / cancellations of visits for holidays. DC loved them though and I did protect them from any sort of knowledge of what’s was happening.
at the time of his death there had been no contact for 6 months but I had heard he was in a bad way / with the wrong people again and was arrested for drug related offences. We had a few mutual friends.
the day I had to tell DC had died was the hardest thing I had to do. Instantly heartbroken and there was a lot of feelings to navigate as he wasn’t a solid fixture in their life they really struggled with processing that they were never going to get the chance to have the relationship with their dad they so desperately wanted. He died during a drug induced psychotic break down and refusing treatment for a septic track mark.
at the time I tried my best to navigate but it has been 7 years of hurt and pain / harassment / picking up the pieces when he was meant to come but didn’t.
I was heart broken for DC but it didn’t really impact my life apart from I was never going to get harassed again ( I know this sounds awful ) but I was very upset for DC. When it came to the social media posts my dc became ( not on the scale of world wide ) but locally the attention of everyone’s Facebook posts “ devoted dad to Ellie “ ( not real name )
which I won’t deny made me boil and then anger set in I then got angry that after all these years I was still going to be the one to pick up the pieces. Then it went back to sadness then guilt then anger again like it was a total rollercoaster of feelings. I never discussed my feelings with anyone because my DC feelings were all that mattered.
my DC did not want to attend the funeral, and I didn’t force it which did cause some backlash with his family ( who saw them even less than he did ) I was send the eulogy before hand as it came with the invite and was posted on some website. They had not even got our DC name right !
so I didn’t force it and I didn’t speak publicly about what had happened or sent any condolences to be honest.
I took DC out to a place that was a reminder of him and we had an our own day and got them in to therapy. Every year I make sure we have a day when it’s the anniversary. My only focus was DC.
our mutual friend who I have remained friends with since ( a good few years ago now ) commented on the lack of dedicated words to Liam in Cheryl’s statement and how it was very cut and dry and about bear and that there should have been some love towards him- she then made a sharp comment of “ guess another one who will portray them as a bad father / partner instead of one who was mentally ill “ - no one knew what it was like dealing with it for 7 long years of destruction. I had all the sympathy in the world for his parents / friends etc but I couldn’t pretend that he was this legendary devoted father who didn’t make my life hell and pretend he was all of a sudden a hero.
disclaimer I’m not saying that Liam was a bad dad etc I have no idea what his and Cheryl’s relationship was but from the history I’m sure she has dealt with the worth of this situation and bear for a while but again no idea so it’s not a debate about that but would you have taken this as a complete dig at me and not publicly sharing love and support for DC father ?

It's not warm to Liam at all, it's about Bear rather than Liam and she's deliberately chosen to say "dear friend" and then "a father" - not a wonderful father, not a devoted father, not a committed father, just a simple statement of fact.

Good for her honestly.

Weirdly I should probably have added when I say mutual friend she was originally his friend. We met via him but remained friends throughout because she had a DC so I’m guessing she probably always took his side and probably did resent me afterwards.

you got it! If I were you I'd resolve to fade this mutual friend out of your life. She's only ever going to side with your ex, because she was his friend. She's never going to show you any empathy so why bother keeping her there. She adds nothing to enhance your happiness.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with her statement, you’re looking for offence where none exists. He is ultimately her ex and the father of her child - of course her statement will focus on the child they share together. His death doesn’t change the co-parenting status they had together.

Maybe he wasn’t any of those things. Or she felt that was all the public were entitled to anymore detail. Which we are not.

A friend who is very involved in an outreach church was reminding me recently that funerals are only a process to help the living process a death and move on. His comments were along the lines of "there's never a been a bad man buried" or not according to the eulogies.
The stand out part of your story is you you and your daughter have come through and are coping so well, hold on to that thought. I shared a home with my partner until his premature death and he stole from me and manipulated me for many years.Some people read between the lines and others didn't but it's all about focusing on the living.
The Liam Payne case is tragic but no more than a media circus at present.It's telling that your friend can get caught up in his story but obviously failed to recognize the difficulties you were facing.

Men are always portrayed as 'devoted dads' after a tragic death even when it's blatantly obvious to any of us with eyes that they did not put their kids first.
DP and I have had strong words over 2 of his friends that died in separate accidents and he was waffling on bullshit about 'poor X and Y, he loved her/him so much, he/she was his world, blah de blah'. I eventually lost it and pointed out neither saw their kid very often, both children unfortunately had crap mothers too, one to the point child was taken from her and put in Foster care which we all knew would happen. The 2 guys somehow became 'best dads' ever when they died in their 30s, but neither ever stepped up to put their child first, got their drinking and risky lifestyles under control and that's why they died and their children have to deal with abandonment on two levels. I loved the lads and was heartbroken over their deaths and the waste of 2 lives, and especially for their son and daughter but jesus that need to rewrite history infuriated me. Both guys knew never to start the whining about the mothers being bitches, keeping them from their kids etc etc in front of me because the couple of times they tried it they were called out.
Given how mad it made me I can't even imagine what it most be like for you OP, the parent that was not only raising the child on their own emotionally, practically and financially but also navigating the fall out of his prescence in the child's life, and to have him made out to be best dad ever in death.
I'm not saying we have to criticise the dead, my friends loved their kids and they had their own issues from childhood and demons to deal with but neither do we have to make the saints.
Your friend sounds like an ass frankly, and I feel so sad for you that their was no one you felt safe with in your friends or family to talk about how you really felt.

I guess though if this person was your ex"s friend & not originally yours they might see this from his perspective or alternatively as you've said you don't share your feelings or thoughts about this situation so it might be just an innocent comment. They might not see you as that person who they think CC is ?
I don't know I just think you are obviously sensitive about this but they just might not see you in the same way as you think. They might think you're a wonderful mother & it just didn't work out between you & their friend that died.

Another one here OP suggesting therapy - what stood out from your post to me is that you haven’t had many people you can truly confide in honestly about what you’re feeling. And look full props to you for putting your child first 💐

but emotions that you don’t process have a way of coming out so maybe consider getting therapy as a safe place for you to let out those emotions? I think it could help you feel better/more at peace but also I think long run it might be better for your child as well as they might pick up on the emotions you don’t talk about. Conversely you might want help to be able to discuss them (when they are older). Really feel for you OP, I don’t think I could have held my tongue when your ‘friend’ piped up.

When someone who has had a troubled time dies people carry a lot of guilt (not that they should, but they often do) and often will find something to focus on to shift that. Sounds like your exes friend (she doesn't sound like your friend at all) has aimed her focus at your reaction to his death.

It's quite common. I have a sibling and an Aunt who focus all their rage about my father's life and death on me because I wouldn't visit him when he was dying, I wouldn't attend his funeral and I openly said anyone who included children (who he'd never met) in an obituary or eulogy as children as if he was a doting grandfather would he cut off forever. They rage at that, constant little comments if I have to see them for family things.
That I hadn't seen him since I was 7 because I was removed from my parents care due to their abuse and neglect is glossed over. At the funeral stories were told about him teaching my sibling to ride a bike and another sibling told about their delight on Christmas morning when they got roller skates. That he sold both the bike and skates for drug money wasn't mentioned.

Also the other thing that people do is have an unbelievable confidence in how they'd do things. What they'd tell their child. How they'd handle the funeral and how they'd answer all the questions.

It's totally different when you're in the scenario

Your “friend” is being an arse.

So sorry for what you and your child went through OP, that must have been an incredibly complex situation to navigate

You can be mentally ill AND a bad father/partner.
You can also be a bad father/partner because you are too ill to be a good partner/father.
That's not the sufferer's fault, but it's certainly not their partner's fault, or their kid's fault. You have had to pick up the pieces on his behalf because he couldn't, and you don't owe him any more than that.
If she's a good friend I would raise it with her again and tell her that you thought it was a dig. Otherwise, I'd distance myself.

Completely agree.

Cheryl seems to have a fair dose of common sense. The words are measured (and well advised); she is looking out for her children.

It was a thoughtless comment and probably directed more at a dislike of celebrities and Cheryl. I don't think your friend really thought about what she was saying.

I wouldn’t confront her but I would definitely step back from the friendship. You don’t have to feel bad about it either! They are an arse! Just don’t be available and let the friendship lapse

I have no doubt this would have been the case. He was an addict. Addicts can be incredibly manipulative.

source: recovering addict

I think Cheryl has been measured & gracious. She's gone up in my estimation after this.

It is quite clear for all Liam's good qualities he wasn't as present a father as he should have been.

Cheryl seems to have done more than she's needed to to protect Bear.

But it's misogyny- people always look to blame the woman for a man's failings.

I do very much fear for Bear's future. All the money he'll inherit. He never needs to work. Then through trauma & possibly genetics he'll be a higher risk of mental ill health and substance misuse.

My heart goes out to all of them.

I havent read any of the statements about LP, but noted to myself that the long running thread had lots of posters talking about how awful this would be for his son and what he might make of it, his mum having to tell him etc

Ive worked with a lot of children who havent had their parents in their lives due to drugs/prison/drink etc and then who go on to die early. Those children of course suffer a loss, loss for the parent they never had and also never going to have and the actual parent dying and all the conflicted emotions of that. But quite often they are nonplussed, bemused, accepting, not overly affected by it there and then.

Its not clear how much LP had been in his sons life, his son might barely know him.

Obviously what gets gossiped about at school and how other kids might talk is a different thing altogether but the actual news of this man, not being alive anymore, not clear how affected a child would be by that if they hadnt really had a relationship

Her statement was perfect imo. Why should it be heartfelt? We don’t know the circumstances.

It’s difficult to say what your friends intentions were. Maybe she just doesn’t like CC. She has a lot of haters (she did assault a toilet attendant).

Anyway I’m sorry for your sad and complex situation. It sounds very difficult.

This is not our experience at all with DC or other children in similar situations we have met in support groups etc

they have very high comped grief and it’s challenging to navigate. They go through just as much grief as those who saw their dads more it’s just signify different

He was a bad father. He barely saw your child and did nothing for them. Mental health isn't an excuse and taking drugs is always a choice. I'm tired of the excuses these people seem to get away with whilst deeply wounding others. Your friend is an idiot.

Lots struggle to comprehend why a parent choose drugs over them, and mourn the parent they never got to know, far from as simple as they weren't around so they didn't know them to miss them.

These comments have no more value than the yapping of a dog. Don’t let them affect you and dismiss them as such. This isn’t a friend. I’m sorry you had to listen to this from her.