Are we unreasonable to just ignore ex?

[coconutdream22]

DH has an older child with his ex who is 11 (12 soon).

They have recently started being allowed to go out after school with friends by themselves until tea time.

Part of the agreement between DH and SS was that he has an app on his phone that allows us to see where he is. DH pays for said phone.

I am also on this app as I often am the only adult at home until DH gets back from work so technically the one responsible for SS during that time.

Contact is 50:50.

We have had quite a few issues in the past of DHs ex saying things like I'm not his mum, he shouldn't be left with me to he looked after (moreso when he was a bit younger and actually needed more looking after), however I've always just tried to be as involved as DH is happy with given he is equally his sons parent and we work well together as a team for our kids (ours together and SS). Me and SS get along well.

Anyway, the latest thing is she is unhappy that I have access to SS's location because of the usual "I'm not his parent" and so on and she apparently doesn't want me being able to see what they are doing when she has SS. She's fine with DH having the app but not me.

Said app can be switched on and off if needs be so no reason why she can't just turn it off when he's with her.

We have decided to just keep ignoring this much to her frustration. Imo DH is SS's dad and if he wants me to have access given I am sharing some responsibility for SS's care some evenings then that's up to him as his dad. If he wants to be able to check on SS's location during HIS contact time that is ultimately up to him and between him and SS. His mum can make her own decisions on her time.

Honestly I just find the whole thing very petty and stupid. Are we unreasonable to just not engage with this nonsense and to continue to ignore (fwiw DH has said already he won't be removing me). She has tried deleting the app in the past but DH just re adds it again.

Some ex’s, both sex’s can be absolute PITA people. Sometimes sheer spite and jealousy takes precedence over rational thinking. My own dear niece has to cope with an absolute cuckoo of an ex, and she wasn’t on the scene when her DH and her got together. Lockdown, and her SS spending more time with her and his Dad was the best thing that happened to this poor young lad. It was his choice to stay with them. Grown up lovely now into a well mannered teenager, a credit to both of them. Your DH needs to sort this out, really.

I don't think you need to know where this child is all the time.

Honestly? As the mother of an 11yo who also has 50:50, I would detest my ex tracking DDs phone, because then he can see my location during her time with me. It would be a complete invasion of our privacy. Why can't SS share the location on WhatsApp when he's out?

I think its fair enough the ex not wanting you to see where her child is when in her custody. My DH & his ex just ask the children to share location temporarily if they're going out.

YABVU it’s completely unreasonable for your husband to have access to your exes location for pretty much 50% of the time (presumably SS will be with his mum for almost of his time with her). It’s even more unreasonable for you to have access to this. Utterly bizarre.

11 is a good age to do this. They get phones and some independence going to highschool and friends houses so there’s no need for so much communication between the parents. YANBU

A good time for DP to say “Look I don’t care about you, I care about my son. So unless your texts are about his well-being I’ll no longer be responding.”

Agreed. Feels like stalking, OP. I wouldn’t be happy with this.

She can turn the app off easily during her time.

People who set up 24/7 surveillance on kids should be aware they’re part of the problem when it comes to the mental health crisis young people are going through

Jesus, I'm glad I'm not a kid of today.

I would've hated being stalked by my mum, dad and stepmum.

YABU to get involved in all the 'tracking'.

He's a boy, not a cat!

It's not bizarre at all for you to use the app so that you are aware of DSS's whereabouts whilst he's playing out and you are responsible for him.

As if the OP cares where DSS and his mum are when DSS is with her. The mum can turn the app off if that's what's bothering her. But that isn't what is bothering her, she is just being petty and spiteful. I'm sure she would have lots to say if DSS went missing whilst OP was in charge.

If this was my DS and his step mum did this, it would not cross my mind to feel angry. I'd be pleased that she cared and was actively involved.

Then she can turn it off? It's easily switched on and off. We couldn't care less what she does in her time. DH has told her before to just turn it off then when SS is with her.

He is only interested in it during HIS time, which is surely his right as an equal parent? He isn't insisting she keep it on during her contact, just his.

Her complaint isn't even that it's on though, it's that I am on it.

Has the ex ever called upon you to step in and provide child care?

@notbelieved damn right it is, I was trying to be gentler with my words but I'd be getting a non molestation order if my ex had the audacity to try and stalk me!

Why should she have to ensure she remembers to turn it off to stop her weird ex and his new wife having access to her location?

Yes funnily enough! I do try and just bite my tongue though about the hypocrisy.

He couldn't care less about stalking her 🤣🤣 he just wants to know where his young child is when he's out in the evening.

I mean, you are a step parent with no parental responsibility. If there was an emergency, nobody would speak to you about it anyway so there's literally no benefit to you being able to track SS. Again, if it's upsetting mum so much, why are you so insistent? It sounds to me like your husband has 50/50 on paper but you are caring for SS, stripping him of time he could have with his mother. As a McKenzie friend I've seen it time and time again.

If I were the ex I would be removing and disabling the phone during my contact time and explaining that it’s not appropriate and unhealthy to have someone constantly monitoring your whereabouts and it’s not something I’d allow and therefore unfortunately the phone is not allowed whilst with me unless the tracking is removed.

If you really need SS under surveillance at certain times just find something that can be switched on only when needed.

Why can't you turn it off when he's with his mother? Seems petty to go against her request when you have absolutely no reason to track him when he's with her.

She is crazy

I would step away from drama. Have an account with your partner and kids. Take step son out until he 16 years old.

not long left!

Her choice. DH pays for the phone so if she wants to leave it with us when SS is with her that's up to her. Or she could just turn off the app. Whichever.

I don't look after SS all the time removing time from his mum at all. Occasionally in an evening DH gets home at 6 and I am home at 4 most days. There have already been times I've been asked to go and get SS from a random friends house, even one time where he came off his bike and was upset so I went and got him (mum and dad both in work).

As I say me and DH work as a team with ALL the kids. I am happy to be responsible for SS for a few hours some evenings, we've been married nearly 9 years!

I can suggest to DH that he just turns it off himself.

Her annoyance is more the fact that I'm on it at all though.

If you're only responsible for him for a few hours some evenings, I don't see why you need to be on it either.

Regardless, you're ignoring the request of his mother for absolutely no reason. Just respect it.