Are we unreasonable to just ignore ex?

[coconutdream22]

DH has an older child with his ex who is 11 (12 soon).

They have recently started being allowed to go out after school with friends by themselves until tea time.

Part of the agreement between DH and SS was that he has an app on his phone that allows us to see where he is. DH pays for said phone.

I am also on this app as I often am the only adult at home until DH gets back from work so technically the one responsible for SS during that time.

Contact is 50:50.

We have had quite a few issues in the past of DHs ex saying things like I'm not his mum, he shouldn't be left with me to he looked after (moreso when he was a bit younger and actually needed more looking after), however I've always just tried to be as involved as DH is happy with given he is equally his sons parent and we work well together as a team for our kids (ours together and SS). Me and SS get along well.

Anyway, the latest thing is she is unhappy that I have access to SS's location because of the usual "I'm not his parent" and so on and she apparently doesn't want me being able to see what they are doing when she has SS. She's fine with DH having the app but not me.

Said app can be switched on and off if needs be so no reason why she can't just turn it off when he's with her.

We have decided to just keep ignoring this much to her frustration. Imo DH is SS's dad and if he wants me to have access given I am sharing some responsibility for SS's care some evenings then that's up to him as his dad. If he wants to be able to check on SS's location during HIS contact time that is ultimately up to him and between him and SS. His mum can make her own decisions on her time.

Honestly I just find the whole thing very petty and stupid. Are we unreasonable to just not engage with this nonsense and to continue to ignore (fwiw DH has said already he won't be removing me). She has tried deleting the app in the past but DH just re adds it again.

It's silly as he could just show you via his own phone.
Would your DH mind her boyfriend being on it?
It seems weird to keep adding and re adding the app or switching it off

I think the example of when you went and helped him with the bike crash is an example of why you're on it. And that they don't need to take the phone out or can disable app when at her house, that's enough.

There is such a simple solution. He turns it off when he’s with his Mum. Why doesn’t he do this? Your husband can parent as he sees fit when SS is with your family so I don’t see a problem with you on the app

Feel like I need to comment on a few things that are being presented as fact here that are completely untrue.

I don't look after SS every evening. I have never said that, in fact repeatedly I said SOME evenings. I don't see an issue with that. It's just family life.

50:50 has been the way it is since the beginning, SS's mum has no issue with the contact schedule.

Mum is in work herself , often working nights so it is NOT a case of her sat at home wishing desperately that her son was with her but instead he's forced to stay with his evil step mum whilst his dad does whatever he likes. She's in work. Working parents are rarely with their children 24/7 no one would expect mum to never use anyone else for childcare during her time.

SS doesn't go out to avoid us. He's nearly 12, he likes going out with friends after school. They all do it. He does it most nights at his mums too.

I have no interest in the app during her time, or even a lot the time SS is with us. His dad feels more comfortable with me on their during HIS time (which is his decision during his contact), so I'm happy to be. I've suggested DH just switch it off when SS goes to mums himself. It has to be switched off via SS's phone.

DH would have no issue with mums partner being on an app like that no. Shock horror, mums partner also looks after SS sometimes too. I guess mum shouldn't have him 50% of the time then unless she can be there for every minute of it 🙄 DH thinks very highly of mums partner and doesn't mind at all that he's involved in things. Unlike mum who only wants me involved when it conveniently suits her.

Yes, SS chose to ring me that day because mum and dad were at work, DH travelling home.

Step parents are told so regularly on here they should treat SC like their own, this thread has been an eye opener though that people don't actually believe that when it comes to it!

This thread is a classic example of the fact that stepmums can't win. If they choose not to step up or in whenever needed they are a horrible, cold, selfish person who treat SC differently from their kids.

But if a stepmum is engaged and involved they are overstepping, stalking and completely unrelated!

I'm not clear and you don't seem to have explained, but why do you need to be on it? Why does DH want you on it? You keep saying she can switch It off if she doesn't like It but you're not actually answering why you need to be on it in the first place. It seems to me as his child the only ones who really needs to be on it is him and his ex. Could It be more that you are only staying on it because you know it winds his ex up?

She's on because she's at home before the DH while the son is out playing after school so if there's a problem, she know where she is.

It's already been made clear though that her DH should have his contact reduced because DS doesn't want to be in the house with the OP and that his Mom should have the DS because she doesn't work

This was addressed early on in the thread, because OP is often the first one home on the days her SS is with their family

I think I'd just get your DP to say:

'Ds gets his freedom to go out, plus use of a phone when he's here, on condition he keeps the tracker switched on & both I & my DP can see where he is.

When he returns to you, he can keep the phone with him, if you're happy for him to have it, & you can mute/switch off the app or not as you wish.

If that doesn't suit, he can just have the phone when he's here.'

I don't see she's got a leg to stand on, honestly.

It's like if your DP goes out for the night & leaves his ds with you/his grandma/at a sleepover, or if he allows him to have more screen time or eat junk food or stay up later. His parenting style is obviously different from his ex's; unless ex wants to argue that what he's doing is harmful to his ds, it's basically 'his time his rules'.

& I totally get that she finds it bloody irritating, & she may have all manner of other unrelated beef with him &/or you which is colouring things. Maybe you've both been consistently pleasant & reasonable towards her...maybe not.

But she's got zero comeback on this one. So if I were your DP, I'd just say the above once & then be clear that the subject is closed.

I thought his mum did work? But surely DH is already monitoring it before he gets home if that's in his time anyway and can just tell OP where his son is if something happens? How would they know if something happened anyway? Presumably someone would call one of them and tell them, in which case they'd be told where he was anyway and the app would be redundant. I'm just not sure the app really serves any real purpose in that respect unless it automatically alerts them itself if something happens, but it doesn't. They would still be relying on one of the friends he is with or someone else calling them to tell them.

@coconutdream22 unfortunately it sounds like nothing you do will be right as a step mum. Some of the comments on here are utterly ludicrous. You have been in this boys life for 9 years, are regularly the responsible adult and dad has requested you are able to find and get to the child in an emergency. I can totally see why the mum wouldn’t want you having access to her location when SS is with her. The easiest way to deal with it is switch it off on her time. She is being deliberately difficult.

I don’t understand why so many parents have such a problem with these apps. Our whole family have it- we can find the kids, the kids can find us, DH and I can find each other. I rarely look at it as it’s usually not necessary. The last time I needed it was because I needed to get the dog to the vet in an emergency. The youngest didn’t have a key to get in and wasn’t answering his phone (phone was in backpack and couldn’t hear it). I tracked him, dropped off a key to him and carried on to the vet. It’s not used as an abuse of power and we don’t monitor their every move but it is handy in an emergency.

No idea. None of it makes sense tbh because most of the posters believe the OP has massively overstepped the mark, even though Mom can turn it off her end if she wishes and does do that.

Mom doesn't want OP on the app, posters here are saying OP shouldn't be doing childcare and that he should be with Mom but Mom calls OP to have the son if Dad can't

Basically, Step Moms are too involved and shouldn't provide any care for the child and have no involvement

“Basically, Step Moms are too involved and shouldn't provide any care for the child and have no involvement”

What a hugely sad statement on so many levels. 🙁

If I were doing this for DS I'd have DP on it. He's on my parenting app, on the nursery app. He's the equal parent in our household. That's how family is in our house.

When ex is sending unnecessary messages, which I would consider this to be, I simply don't reply. I'd address this the first time. "In our household DP and I are equally responsible for our children. How we parent in our time is not up to you so I won't discuss this further." Then I'd just ignore the messages. He was controlling and abusive and has continued to be so I just have to give him as little attention as possible.

Considering ds and his friends are all able to track each other, I am not sure children have the same issue with this as adults. I can see why your dss mum doesn't want her movements tracked but based on what you say about the relationship, I imagine no one bothers except in specific situations. I mean, ds phone tracking is on all the time but I only use it when necessary because he is late home or something.

You can’t win on here OP.

No one has any issues with the mum tracking the kid on the app. The issue is with the step mum.

No one has an issue with the dad tracking the son, yet many are happy to admit that the female is better at admin etc - but if anything is passed onto a step mum it’s the end of the world.

For what it’s worth I would ignore her or delete the app in its entirety. Either you can all access or no one can.

I'd send one text advising her to switch off his location when he's with her, and ignore any further messages.

You've been given a really hard time in here by some people!!
My daughter has a similar app and has had it since she was about the same age. I've no idea if her step mum is on it (you can set up different groups), but if she were, it wouldn't bother me, even though I can't stand the woman.
I'd do what a poster further up suggested, get your husband to message her explaining she is free to turn his location off when with her or leave the phone with you etc etc and then ignore.
It really seems on this post that step parents can't do right no matter what.

What app is being used? Have you actually checked mum has the ability to turn it off?

@Worried8263839

I get what you say but my point is that the OP is saying she needs to know where he is and the ex doesn't want her to know.
I'm therefore saying this is the way round it!

That seems to be the general opinion from the bitter posts on MN. If the step mum cares for and parents the child they have overstepped the mark and if she can't/doesn't do something for the child she is selfish, doesn't care, has ruined the child's life etc. (See the thread from the step mum who couldn't take the child to a presentation)

They can be step children from a bereavement, rather than a family split, but in our extended family both bereaved and split children get the same love and attention. Thankfully there’s only one not very nice Ex, and she has failed miserably at trying to point score with my niece. Her son much prefers being with his Dad and his SM. They weren’t even together when EX and Dad split up, but she’s as bitter and twisted as they come. Next year will have her in a frenzy, they are getting married. Ironically, it will be my niece’s lovely SD who walks her down the aisle.