Are we unreasonable to just ignore ex?

[coconutdream22]

DH has an older child with his ex who is 11 (12 soon).

They have recently started being allowed to go out after school with friends by themselves until tea time.

Part of the agreement between DH and SS was that he has an app on his phone that allows us to see where he is. DH pays for said phone.

I am also on this app as I often am the only adult at home until DH gets back from work so technically the one responsible for SS during that time.

Contact is 50:50.

We have had quite a few issues in the past of DHs ex saying things like I'm not his mum, he shouldn't be left with me to he looked after (moreso when he was a bit younger and actually needed more looking after), however I've always just tried to be as involved as DH is happy with given he is equally his sons parent and we work well together as a team for our kids (ours together and SS). Me and SS get along well.

Anyway, the latest thing is she is unhappy that I have access to SS's location because of the usual "I'm not his parent" and so on and she apparently doesn't want me being able to see what they are doing when she has SS. She's fine with DH having the app but not me.

Said app can be switched on and off if needs be so no reason why she can't just turn it off when he's with her.

We have decided to just keep ignoring this much to her frustration. Imo DH is SS's dad and if he wants me to have access given I am sharing some responsibility for SS's care some evenings then that's up to him as his dad. If he wants to be able to check on SS's location during HIS contact time that is ultimately up to him and between him and SS. His mum can make her own decisions on her time.

Honestly I just find the whole thing very petty and stupid. Are we unreasonable to just not engage with this nonsense and to continue to ignore (fwiw DH has said already he won't be removing me). She has tried deleting the app in the past but DH just re adds it again.

I don't think its unreasonable for you to know where SS is , but agree with others regarding privacy concerns if the phone is at the Ex's home during her time.

Can you get him a phone to use just at yours with the app on.

I would do the same as the ex and remove the app during my days too if this was me, but I'd be fine with you using it to keep my child safe.

She should turn it off but you're complaining she deleted it during her time which is the same thing basically?

I bet if she came on here, complaining about feeling tracked by "his new wife" everyone would be on her side tbh

Okay so mums request should be respected and dads shouldn't be. Got it.

I don't see what it's got to do with her if it's only being used during dad's time.

Mum's request for you not to be on it DURING HER TIME should be respect just like Dad's request DURING HIS TIME should be respected

Just switch the app off before kiddo goes back to Mums, or keep the phone at yours.

Doesn't really matter what you do though, you're the step parent so MN are going to deem you unreasonable whatever the situation.

If it can just be turned off on that phone with no pin required from his dad what is the actual point of the tracker 😅 the kid could just turn it off.

Not that I would want to be tracked by an ex but surely it defeats the whole purpose.

My children cannot turn theirs off it’s in the settings where I blocked them being able to.

I would find that really intrusive but if she can turn the app off, she should do that in her contact time. During her ex's time, it's up to her ex what apps their son uses and who else is involved.

I'd find it incredibly creepy for an ex and new partner to be able to track what your doing when the child is with mum!

His dad being on it is surveillance enough when he is on dad's time, then it needs turning off.

What has she said when she's been told to turn it off?

Surely the more people monitoring the SC's movements the better. It is all from a safeguarding point of view. The mum is being petty.

SS could turn it off whenever he wanted yes. But then he'd not be allowed out by himself anymore as that's the condition that his dad had (during his time) for now until he's a little older.

As I said her issue is not the app, it's the fact I am on it. She doesn't care about DH being on it. During her time, fair enough she or he can turn it off, during dad's time why is it any of her business if his dad wants me on it too?

I don't agree with tracking, seems excessively controlling

Agreed if it was a "new" partner, but they have been married nine years.

Actually OP, if you have been married 9 years, then SS must have been quite young when you first got together, maybe the first relationship since DH and ex split? This might be part of the problem. Whatever you do will be wrong.

As I said her issue is not the app, it's the fact I am on it

I don't blame her.
You have no need to be on it.

I'd be furious if someone unrelated to my child was tracking them.

.................why is it any of her business if his dad wants me on it too?

Because she's the boy's mother.

I think the answer is to remove you from
the app or it’s a phone he only has when at dads.

Maybe it’s irrational of her but she’s allowed to not want you tracking her while also wanting her son to be safely tracked if that makes any sense.

We tried the life 360 app and I really dislike it. My twins are 13 and they tell me where they I. I felt like I was stalking my own dc. I’ve said that we’ll reinstall it if ever the trust is broken but I’m not comfortable with tracking dc. I would be less keen on another adult tracking my dc. Why can’t your dh just have it (if he really wants it) and if there’s any concern he can call you? In the mean time, teach ss basic communication about where he is. Otherwise there’s nothing to stop him leaving his phone at a mates house and you have a false sense of security.

And he's the boy's father. Who has 50/50 custody. Mother doesn't trump father. Dad has said the app is on or child doesn't go out at night.

Dad pays for the phone so the phone can stay at dad's and mum can't complain at all then.

Really?

You'd be furious if the adult currently responsible for your child was in fact unaware as to where your child was?

That is very odd.

The childs Father has the right to give OP the responsibility for knowing where his kid is when he is still at work and the child is not in school. Mother can like it or lump it, its not her contact time.

You can be responsible for a dc without tracking them.

Wtf why do three people need to monitor their movements??

Another one here who is curious to know what she says when you tell her to turn the app off

The issue isn't Dad being on the app, the issue is that Mom doesn't want OP being on the app and Mom refusing to turn it off when DS is with her.

Mom doesn't have a reasonable reason for OP not being on there. If OP completely checked out of any caring role for the DS, she would be vilified for that.

Why aren't people happy that there is a steparent involved and caring for their child? It must take up so much energy plotting ways to have a go at them.

Sure, but the childs father has decided this is the safest option for when the kid is playing out by himself.

Some people prefer it, some don't, thats his decision as a parent though surely.

If Mum doesn't like it, she can do things a different way during her contact time with her child. But she can't dictate how he does things during his time.

What difference does it make? Is it really that big a deal? The option is there to turn it off which the Mom has apparently refused.

So much unnecessary drama