Are we unreasonable to just ignore ex?

[coconutdream22]

DH has an older child with his ex who is 11 (12 soon).

They have recently started being allowed to go out after school with friends by themselves until tea time.

Part of the agreement between DH and SS was that he has an app on his phone that allows us to see where he is. DH pays for said phone.

I am also on this app as I often am the only adult at home until DH gets back from work so technically the one responsible for SS during that time.

Contact is 50:50.

We have had quite a few issues in the past of DHs ex saying things like I'm not his mum, he shouldn't be left with me to he looked after (moreso when he was a bit younger and actually needed more looking after), however I've always just tried to be as involved as DH is happy with given he is equally his sons parent and we work well together as a team for our kids (ours together and SS). Me and SS get along well.

Anyway, the latest thing is she is unhappy that I have access to SS's location because of the usual "I'm not his parent" and so on and she apparently doesn't want me being able to see what they are doing when she has SS. She's fine with DH having the app but not me.

Said app can be switched on and off if needs be so no reason why she can't just turn it off when he's with her.

We have decided to just keep ignoring this much to her frustration. Imo DH is SS's dad and if he wants me to have access given I am sharing some responsibility for SS's care some evenings then that's up to him as his dad. If he wants to be able to check on SS's location during HIS contact time that is ultimately up to him and between him and SS. His mum can make her own decisions on her time.

Honestly I just find the whole thing very petty and stupid. Are we unreasonable to just not engage with this nonsense and to continue to ignore (fwiw DH has said already he won't be removing me). She has tried deleting the app in the past but DH just re adds it again.

Mum can dictate she doesn't want OP stalking her during her contact time, she can't stop OP being on there during Dad's time.

Mum can not want OP on there during her time for any reason she likes

Mum uninstalled the app during her time and has been criticised for it even though it's basically the same as turning it off (with added bonus that there's no chance OP might be able to turn it back on)

Ininstalling the apps means it needs reinstalling on all the phones, why cause all this drama when you can just pause the app for periods of time?

What is wrong with a Stepmom being on an app that allows her to check where the child is whilst he is in her sole care?

Yeah it's none of your business, OP. As much as it may pain you to hear, he really isn't your son.

@coconutdream22 I don't see what it's got to do with her if it's only being used during dad's time.

What?!?!? He's her son!

No it doesn't. It's uninstalled from ONE phone. Or do you think Mum is grabbing everyone's phone and uninstalling it?

The issue is having access when OP ISN'T sole carer

Does your caps lock keep getting stuck?!

With the app we used, it was installed on one phone and added to others but the only person who could uninstall it was the person who had the main account. DS could mute it but couldn't uninstall it.

There's zero issue in deleting or muting while DS is with Mom. The only issue is Mom not wanting the OP on it at all

She can't use the excuse that it's because OP isn't a sole carer because Mom isn't a sole carer either, the child has two parents and 1 step parent.

She's happy enough for the OP to parent when Dad isn't around and it's Dads time with son

He's also his Dad's son and he spends 50 percent of his time with his Dad and Stepmom.

Why does the Mlm think she's entitled to make 100% of the decisions when she has 50% of the time?

That works both ways though, doesn’t it? Why does the OP nd partner think they can make 100% of the decisions?

And the ex in this situation is allowed to go about her business without her ex and his partner being able to follow her. I might be a bit biased - my ex would pick a small piece of rubbish out of his car and pop it in the bin or recycling which were kept at the front of the house and then comment on the contents of said bin, usually to suggest one bottle of wine meant I was an alcoholic or a takeaway pizza meant he didn’t need to pay maintenance - but it is not beyond the realms of the imagination that such as app could be used to beat her about the head for something….

Your DH has told her she can turn off the tracking app when it's on her time. I'd leave it at that and not engage any further on the subject.

Op you're a stepparent, you're not going to win this argument.
For what it's worth, yes the mum is being petty, all us fellow stepmom's know she is, but you're always going to be in the wrong on Mumsnet. I'd just leave the thread.

I wouldn't be keen on DH tracking my kids, never mind if he then added his new partner. I'd be furious and wouldn't want you to have that access either.

Also this business of DH paying for the phone, so what? I'm sure there's plenty that SS's mum pays for. The phone doesn't belong to DH, unless you see it as shoes you pay for belonging to DH, clothes you pay for belonging to DH.

If the phone is a contract one in dh's name it technically does. Just as sd mum likes to remind us 😆

But the Mom refused that? She doesn't want the OP on there at all. Not her choice when DS is with his Dad.

The Mom has asked said she doesn't have an issue with Dad being on there and seeing where she goes she just doesn't want the OP on there

But Dad wanted this app when DS was with him for his 50% of the time. Mum was happy with this but doesn't want OP on it, even though OP does care for him alone.

Moms choosing to ignore the obvious solution which is to disable it on her time but she won't as she has no concerns about her ex seeing what she's doing she just doesn't want OP on there so is causing a fuss

It's called highlighting a point since you can't apparently understand the point.

OP has already said it was uninstalled off DSS's phone. She didn't say it then removed it from all the phones. There are lots of different apps.

OP has said that Mum doesn't want her tracking her when with DSS. Which is reasonable and she is allowed to request

I don't know why you're arguing with me tbh. I agree it should only be relevant during the relevant parent's contact time and have said as much.

Wow this thread has served as a reminder of how much Mumsnet hates stepmothers! I genuinely can't get over some of the responses here. As a SM myself, the longer I do it the more I realise it is the worlds most thankless job. We can never do right.

OP- for what it's worth, I fully agree with your view. She can turn it off. It really is that simple. If she refuses to and continues to create a problem with it, she buys her son a phone for her week. Simple. But of course, in our lives, nothing ever is simple!

Bold highlights it, caps indicate shouting.

I said if she doesn't want the OP tracking her, she can take it off her phone but she refuses and wants the whole thing taken off OPs phone but no she doesn't get to dictate what DH and OP do on their contact time.

She also doesn't have a problem with the Dad seeing what she's upto if he chose to which suggests this is one thing of many where the Mom is trying to control a situation that she can't.

She’s being silly.
When SS is at hers, he can switch the app off or leave his phone at home if they go out.

When he’s under your care, you are obviously fine to track him.

So I would ignore it.

She’s said the Mum can switch it off during her contact time…

Why aren't people happy that there is a steparent involved and caring for their child? It must take up so much energy plotting ways to have a go at them.

Because so often dads fight for 50/50 to avoid child maintenance then palm the children off on other people during their contact time, denying the mother the time with their for financial reasons. It's inherently selfish. It's not the step parents fault per se, but they support it by doing the care giving.

He can turn the app off when with his Mum.

Good lord, unless there is a massive history of him being coercive and controlling she needs to wind her neck in. I’m not mad keen on these tracking things and don’t use them except in unusual circumstances like 13 year old going off into London shopping entirely alone, or 16 year old being let off the leash alone in a foreign large city whilst on holiday or whatever.

I can’t see what she’s getting her knickers in a knot about here. I think ignoring her is the best thing in this circumstance.

@Worried8263839 I actually like DDs step mum. She gets the balance right. She doesn't act as an unpaid babysitter to facilitate exes job. She also doesn't ignore my boundaries. I'd much rather speak to her any day!

Both serve as emphasis. The whole thing in all caps would be shouting.

She can not want OP to be able to track on her time.

Disabling or taking it off. It's the same difference.