Are we unreasonable to just ignore ex?

[coconutdream22]

DH has an older child with his ex who is 11 (12 soon).

They have recently started being allowed to go out after school with friends by themselves until tea time.

Part of the agreement between DH and SS was that he has an app on his phone that allows us to see where he is. DH pays for said phone.

I am also on this app as I often am the only adult at home until DH gets back from work so technically the one responsible for SS during that time.

Contact is 50:50.

We have had quite a few issues in the past of DHs ex saying things like I'm not his mum, he shouldn't be left with me to he looked after (moreso when he was a bit younger and actually needed more looking after), however I've always just tried to be as involved as DH is happy with given he is equally his sons parent and we work well together as a team for our kids (ours together and SS). Me and SS get along well.

Anyway, the latest thing is she is unhappy that I have access to SS's location because of the usual "I'm not his parent" and so on and she apparently doesn't want me being able to see what they are doing when she has SS. She's fine with DH having the app but not me.

Said app can be switched on and off if needs be so no reason why she can't just turn it off when he's with her.

We have decided to just keep ignoring this much to her frustration. Imo DH is SS's dad and if he wants me to have access given I am sharing some responsibility for SS's care some evenings then that's up to him as his dad. If he wants to be able to check on SS's location during HIS contact time that is ultimately up to him and between him and SS. His mum can make her own decisions on her time.

Honestly I just find the whole thing very petty and stupid. Are we unreasonable to just not engage with this nonsense and to continue to ignore (fwiw DH has said already he won't be removing me). She has tried deleting the app in the past but DH just re adds it again.

@Genevieva why should she have to do his life admin for him? And more to the point why is he insisting on 50/50 if he's not actually available to facilitate that?

So Moms with more than 50% contact or 50% contact never get anyone else to look after their child if they can't? I didn't realise that.

Where is the information from that Dads only have 50% contact to avoid maintenance? I didn't know this and assumed it was awarded so the child could spend equal time with both parents. I'd love some further information on this as it would be useful for work.

Thank you

So why didn't she do that then? Rather than telling OP to come off altogether?

Er, she did?

I think you're so intent on arguing at this point you're ignoring facts

Because he works and OP works at home.

Are you suggesting that DS should have less contact with his Dad because he doesn't get home for school finishing time rather than there being an adult at the house if needed till DS comes back from hanging out with his friends?

Would you expect Mom to have less contact in the same situation if there was a step parent with her who could be in the house during her contact time?

So Moms with more than 50% contact or 50% contact never get anyone else to look after their child if they can't? I didn't realise that.

Where is the information from that Dads only have 50% contact to avoid maintenance? I didn't know this and assumed it was awarded so the child could spend equal time with both parents. I'd love some further information on this as it would be useful for work.

Thank you

Feel free to join any of the child maintenance or family law Facebook groups and you'll see the patterns very clearly.

Dad's getting the mum to collect from school on their contact time because they work more hours but insisting on 50/50 nights so there's no maintenance payable.

Dads going self employed and hiding their income to avoid child maintenance.

Dads using apps such as life360 because it's "their right to know where children are at all times".

Dad's insisting mum does all the travel for handovers at her own expense.

Dads refusing to take care of medical appointments, parents evenings, hobbies etc because "work", so equal shared care never means equal, but because he has the magic 175 nights a year he doesn't pay a penny.

If this dad really wanted 50/50 for the right reasons, why is he not spending the time with his child?

Of course mums utilise childcare, but not to the extent single dads do when they have a new partner. The majority of single mums adapt their jobs to their children so they are available for them.

Those of us working in this field can see the pattern very clearly. It's not up to me to educate you, you are an adult with the intellect level which enables you to use mumsnet. I'm sure you are capable of researching this yourself.

Are you suggesting that DS should have less contact with his Dad because he doesn't get home for school finishing time rather than there being an adult at the house if needed till DS comes back from hanging out with his friends?

Yes, because the mother may be available.

Would you expect Mom to have less contact in the same situation if there was a step parent with her who could be in the house during her contact time?

Also yes if she was not available and the father was.

You're confused.

All my posts have said she should turn the app off during her time, I've never said any different?!

I also said she doesn't get to decide whether OP is on the app when DS is with his Dad and Stepmom?!

Seems like your the one arguing with me because your objecting to everything I've said 😳

I mean that’s just a bit mad. Since when does contact depend on being 24/7 present for a child of nearly 12 years of age. That’s just daft, is perfectly normal, healthy and acceptable for a child of that age to let themselves in with keys, and even cook their own or a family meal.

But none of these apply to this situation yet your implying it applies to all situations?

Those of us working in this field can see the pattern very clearly. It's not up to me to educate you, you are an adult with the intellect level which enables you to use mumsnet. I'm sure you are capable of researching this yourself

Are you always this hostile? It's not uncommon to ask to be signposted to evidence and information after someone has said something that they say is fact.

But in this case, the child is 11 or 12. Why do they have to reduce their contact with either parent and be looked after by the other parent. He is out with mates till 530pm

Whose the next person that can look after them if both parents are working?

But none of these apply to this situation yet you're implying it applies to all situations?

It does, because the step mum has said very clearly she provides childcare in the evening until dad finishes work. So consistently every day the child finishes school, the dad is not there. Why can't he have that time with his mother?

Are you always this hostile? It's not uncommon to ask to be signposted to evidence and information after someone has said something that they say is fact.

Not hostile at all, I'm just not your secretary, and I'm not a teacher. I have enough of my own admin to be doing without doing anyone else's too. I gave you advice as to where you can seek the information, dad.info and gingerbread are also very good sources.

But in this case, the child is 11 or 12. Why do they have to reduce their contact with either parent and be looked after by the other parent. He is out with mates till 530pm

Who's the next person that can look after them if both parents are working?

My own daughter is 11. I find it peculiar that an 11yo would rather stay out every evening than spend the time at home. Now DD has started secondary school she is exhausted, she comes home, has a snack, does her homework then rests. Have you considered that the son may be out every evening during dad's contact time because dad is not there?

It's very unusual in separated households for both parents to work full time with a child that age. Usually one adapts their hours to fit around the needs of the child, and that person is usually the mother.

But childcare isn't needed? He goes out with mates after school? What difference does it make which adult is at his Dads house?

Not hostile at all, I'm just not your secretary, and I'm not a teacher. I have enough of my own admin to be doing without doing anyone else's too. I gave you advice as to where you can seek the information, dad.info and gingerbread are also very good sources

I mean, you could have said try Dad.Info and gingerbread if your time is that precious rather than writing out a lengthy and arsey reply, it would have saved your precious time while you arse about on here like the rest of us

I mean that’s just a bit mad. Since when does contact depend on being 24/7 present for a child of nearly 12 years of age. That’s just daft, is perfectly normal, healthy and acceptable for a child of that age to let themselves in with keys, and even cook their own or a family meal.

It's certainly not normal or acceptable for any 11yo child I've known to be spending extended periods of time home alone. NSPCC advises against this too!

But childcare isn't needed? He goes out with mates after school? What difference does it make which adult is at his Dads house?

Goes out with mates after school at his dad's house. It's like the answer is glaringly obvious, but you can't see it.

I mean, you could have said try Dad.Info and gingerbread if your time is that precious rather than writing out a lengthy and arsey reply, it would have saved your precious time while you arse about on here like the rest of us

I didn't say I had a lack of time did I? I just said I'm not your secretary. Your hands seem to work perfectly fine typing on here, is your Google broken? I directed you towards the child maintenance forums which are largely on Facebook these days. If you had bothered to attempt to search for the answer yourself you would have seen dad.info in the first page of results. It's really not that difficult to find the information you are looking for.

Even though he's out when he's at his Moms too?

My divorced friends all work full time and have 50/50. They are responsible for care for their child whilst the child is with them whether it's step parent, school clubs or grandparents. Their children are aged between 3 and 8

It's not that uncommon to have two full time working parents, it's pretty standard round here and with the families at work

Blimey.

I'm not objecting ...

It's not that uncommon to have two full time working parents, it's pretty standard round here and with the families at work

3/10 lone parents are unemployed, and 4/10 lone parents work part time. Only 30% of lone parents work full time. 81% of single parents to children under 12 struggle to work 30 hours a week. Women are 30% more likely to work from home. Women are also 30% more likely to have a flexible working agreement to fit around the needs of children. The amount of single parents working full time gradually increases until age 11 but drops off a cliff as children start secondary school due to the lack of available childcare.

Gingerbread has done an excellent report on this.

It’s ok for the mum to call OP to ask for childcare though? Hahahaa double standards on here for step mums are ridiculous.

Why shouldn't the mother also respect the father ms wishes?

I've no particular views either way but you don't need to know where SS is because, if there's a problem, you can ring your DH who could look to see where he is for you!

But why when technology now means the OP can check, as she is responsible for his care until 5.30, and avoid ringing DH at work to do something she herself is able to do very easily? I can't get over this thread!

Tbh I think you’re both being unreasonable, I’m not sure either of you are “right” or if there even is a right in this.

I would think the issue is more with your partner though, who asked for 50-50 then appointed childcare to you. He wants to track his son, but you seem to be the one who actually has to watch it. Maybe the point she’s making is that she has a problem with his lack of involved parenting?