Marrying a woman behind my parents back

[YourLilacCat]

My parents are religious and have made it clear they will never accept a gay marriage/gay partnership or any type of same sex relationship, so would I be unreasonable to get married to my female partner regardless and just not tell them? I live in their home.

ohk

I’m aware of it. But I can live there regardless

Not necessarily. If the marriage collapses and you divorce you may be forced to sell it if you don't have the money to buy her out of her share of the total marital assets.

Relationships can be hard work without worry about culture religion and acceptance.

It will be hard because you will have added stress about managing your Relationship your culture and beliefs.

It may result in your Relationship ending.

So take that into account.

Love can go out the window when you have to juggle it with all the rest.

• Just because we are a same sex couple doesn’t mean we have to forgo our culture or our values and beliefs

Given your explicitly state that the "beliefs" and "values" of your culture include homophobia, I an afraid that it does.

@YourLilacCat

I'm looking at this from the parental viewpoint.

If one of my sons had a special person (I couldn't care less if they were male or female) in their life that I didn't approve of for some reason, I'd feel very betrayed if they married behind my back and then my son continued to live in our house. He would have lied to me and taken advantage of me.

It would be 'honest' of him to move out then marry, even if they married the very day he moved out. I might still be upset, but I wouldn't feel betrayed or taken advantage of.

You say you want to 'honor' your culture by not living together before marriage. But isn't a part of your culture also not to lie and to respect your parents, even if you can't respect their belief regarding single sex relationships? You can't have your cake and eat it too.

Can't you just move out and live alone for a while.
That won't be as taboo but will give you time and space.

Trust me the more you are kept apart the more you will want to be together.
But in the cold light of day when u are juggling culture and stress of life it will be hard.
You may regret trying to bolt and get married so young.

Don't do it until you are settled and living by yourself for a while.

Get to know yourself.
Jeez you are only in your 20s and want to be married. It won't prove nowt.

I think you need to tell them. You say they might disown you once they find out, but they also might not. And if they accept it, then it would be more painful for them if you got married secretly.

And also I know you have it in your head that you need to leave your family home as a married woman, but unfortunately you’re in a difficult situation that you can’t do things the traditional way. Why focus on the idea of leaving your home as a married woman when your parents won’t know you got married and you’d be leaving under this storm of getting married to a woman behind their backs. Forget about the married woman bit and focus more on your parents accepting your relationship.

I can’t pretend to know what it’s like to be in your situation but I’m not from a British culture either and secretly dated a British man for several years before I told my family, and had the fear of they might disown me, force me to choose, etc. In the end, it all worked out really well but it started with my broaching the subject with my mum, and it slowly developing from there. So you never know how it will turn out, but getting secretly married will damage relations with your family.

Hi OP I have been thinking of you and my advice to you above. I really want things to go well for you and for you not to have to give up one thing that is good in your life in order to have another good thing. I want you to have both!
With this in mind remember this will come as a shock to your family. It is a lot to take in , the news, the relationship and the wedding!
Maybe start with a letter explaining how you feel and the situation give them time to digest the news. emotions might be running high. I think finding all this out and the getting married young plans would be a lot to take in by anyone's standards even if it was a heterosexual relationship and you were from a different culture and older.
Any parents will be concerned and worried you are rushing in and vulnerable. Take your time. Maybe introduce the news a bit at a time. I'll be thinking of you!

I think you need to tell them.

I wouldn't. Not while she is living at home. Some parents can react very badly and the OP has got to think of her safety first and that of her partner's.

Buy your house.

Move out.

Tell your parents you are gay.

Get married when the dust has settled from that.

Your marriage will not protect you from having to navigate their homphobia, and a done deal will be no easier to accept than you telling them in advance. Harder probably as they will feel deceived, not believe it can be true and possibly imagine your partner has coerced you. In your shoes I'd tell them I was gay after first preparing a place to go, either with or without my partner. I'd let that sink in then reveal the wedding or not dependent on their reactions and how accepting they were.

Aside from lying to your parents, you're not being fair to your girlfriend / wife to keep her hidden. If you love someone enough to marry them, you should love them enough to announce it to the world.

No rush to marry. You risk getting kicked out if they find out, so I wouldn't get married unless you can support yourself financially and provide yourself with housing.

What is the point of rushing into marriage?

I would get all your ducks in a row financially so that if there is a fall out you have stability. However I would give your parents a chance to accept your marriage and attend your wedding. When it comes to it reality, regardless what they believe they may actually surprise you and want to be there. But I would give them some time to get used to the idea if this is something alien to their culture.

I think your parents will initially react badly to the news that you are marrying a woman. I don't know whether they will accept you eventually.

Although it is not traditional in your culture, could you broach the subject of buying your own home, without having a husband lined up? What about the idea of buying a house jointly, with your girlfriend? If you gradually get your family used to you behaving less traditionally they may be less surprised when you come out as gay. At present you are deceiving them and this must be stressful so it will be better to be honest.

Do whatever keeps you safe. If getting married without telling them is the best option then do that. Good luck.

OP, when you talk about retaining your values... it sounds like a form of 'damage limitation' to me. Bluntly, if your parents think same-sex unions are not acceptable, then appealing to other shared values or aspects of their faith won't override that. Even if you can say "Look, we've done it the right way, we got married, no pre-marital sex, no XYZ" ... it's not going to change anything. And if that's the likely scenario, then you might as well stop paying lip service to the rest of the cultural / religious expectations on you as well. Live your own life. Live together without being married, the sky will not fall in. Don't chase acceptance that will never come.

Op, it's lovely to hear you have found love. Bit you are v young. I'm bi & from what I hear some f/f relationships can founder due to 'U-hauling' (moving in really quickly) and the related 'urge to merge', the intense bonding which being same sex can facilitate, & which can make sorting out differences tricky. These problems can obvs be dealt w, & lots of f/f couples don't have them, but marrying after after not having lived together & being v young seems to fall into this. Your parents sound v misguided (understatement). Only you can judge when, and if, it is safe to come out to them. I think you should get your place, move in w your gf, see how your mesh. Then hopefully get married when you're sire it's the right choice, and decide what, if anything, to tell your parents. How is your relationship w them otherwise? You don't want to run to someone else to escape them, you want it to be a free, independent choice made from security not insecurity.

Get married in secret, buy your own house, introduce her as a lodger. Job done.
If you think you can pull that off, then why not go for it. You'd have to keep up the pretence with separate bedrooms (for show) and no lovey dovey pictures up when either family visit etc. As you are both in the same boat, it should be fine.
For what it's worth, a relative of mine did this - thing is, we all knew he was gay and went along with it. His choice not to disclose etc. There were no religious/cultural reasons. They got married in secret also. It's sad because he cut himself off from his family, never giving anyone a chance to say it's ok. There's more to the story but you get the gist.

I think some posters are being too harsh saying your parents have to know if this could torpedo your relationship w them. But other pps are right that it depends on your gf's attitude to this lying. Some people would be OK w this arrangement, but probs not if it involved you living there for much longer & having to keep her hidden.

Regardless of culture differences, if you marry under UK laws then it's their laws that will determine an asset split in a divorce and not your cultural norms. Therefore buying a house of 'your own' while getting married (assuming its a standard UK marriage legally) is neither here nor there as it doesn't guarantee you get to keep it all on your own.

If you wanted to keep to tradition you’d be marrying a man, I think maybe tradition needs to take a back seat over the practicalities. I honestly wouldn’t recommend you secretly marrying your girlfriend while still living at home it’s just wrong in lots of levels. Move out and then get married. You move out you have more power and control over your choices.

It doesn't sound like you are in the financial position or ideal situation to get married.

Firstly, you should not hide your marriage from your parents while living under their roof. Regardless of their views that is completely and utterly disrespectful. Wait until you are no longer financially dependent on them to do that.

Secondly, you plan to put a deposit down on a house but you haven't yet. Why not do that first before making the decision to get married? That way, you still have your independence and some stability should things go wrong with the marriage or with either of your families finding out about your secret relationship.

Another thing is that long distance relationships can be much more common for lesbian or bi women due to the smaller dating pool (I think this is more US though). Bit there are def pitfalls to this. Be sensible op.

Secretly marrying while still living with her family doesn’t sound very safe to me.