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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry that people don't grasp you can't stop adults ending their life

172 replies

Differentstarts · 19/10/2024 14:06

I'm getting really annoyed about people's perceptions around mental health and suicide. And the news recently has highlighted it. All the people saying why didn't anyone stop it. Firstly you don't know what people's family and friends did. Secondly how do you suppose you can stop a grown adult making a choice.
My best friend ended her life I spent hours and hours over a period of months trying to convince her not to do this. I checked on her multiple times a day (think stalker level) after yet another overdose I begged the hospital to section her and they wouldn't. I took her to Dr appointments, to see her councillor and when she died I still got people asking me why I did nothing to stop it. So can someone please tell me how I was supposed to stop it as this is really pissing me off.
Yanbu You can't stop a grown adult doing what they want to do and only they can control that.
Yabu you should of done more (please tell me what?)

OP posts:
redtrain123 · 19/10/2024 14:13

Sorry for your loss. You sound like a good friend, and are not responsible for her actions. That was her decision, not yours.

I guess people are trying to blame others because they can’t accept what happened, or like to post the blame elsewhere. Also, there may be a bit of guilt that they didn’t do mire to help.

Sarahconnor1 · 19/10/2024 14:14

Some people are just unreachable or un-savable, that's not a criticism of the person suffering with their mental health or struggling with addiction its just a fact. Sometimes there just isn't anything family and friends can do, it's a very very difficult thing to accept and live with though.

Hope you are doing OK

PeachyKeane · 19/10/2024 14:15

Absolutely agree op. And the same people are often advocates for allowing euthanasia. Makes no sense.

weebarra · 19/10/2024 14:17

Big hugs OP.
My sister was the same. We all did everything we possibly could to keep her here, but she made the decision to end her life. I'm not going to feel guilty about that. I miss her every day but I have to respect her autonomy.

JamDonutAddict · 19/10/2024 14:17

I'm really sorry for the trauma you went through - you did everything you could. Hug

Bellatrixpure · 19/10/2024 14:18

I’m so sorry for your loss, you couldn’t have done anymore more it sounds like you went above and beyond trying to help her. The mental health services should have helped her more, it’s such a sad situation.

Have you had any help dealing with this? X

TooBigForMyBoots · 19/10/2024 14:20

I am so sorry about your friend @Differentstarts.Thanks

YADNBU.

5128gap · 19/10/2024 14:20

You couldn't have saved her life OP. She didn't want to live and made her choice. There is no way of knowing if better health interventions could have prevented her death. They don't always. What you can know is that you didn't fail her. Your care and vigilance showed her she was not alone that she was loved and cared for, and very likely eased some of her pain along the way. I'm very sorry for your loss OP and hope you can ignore people who are ignorant and unkind towards you.

Original poster
Differentstarts · 19/10/2024 14:21

Bellatrixpure · 19/10/2024 14:18

I’m so sorry for your loss, you couldn’t have done anymore more it sounds like you went above and beyond trying to help her. The mental health services should have helped her more, it’s such a sad situation.

Have you had any help dealing with this? X

Thankyou and thankyou everyone for your kind responses. Iv been under mh services for years for other stuff and this has come up along the way. But when things like this happen with others especially so publicly and your hearing the views of others it's really triggering

OP posts:
doodleschnoodle · 19/10/2024 14:21

I do think that mental health conditions can be like physical health conditions, in that for some people a mental health condition is terminal and incurable. I'm not sure that would be a popular view and obviously mental health support is lacking generally and people who have had the potential to be helped have not been, but I do think there are some people whose mental health is so severely affected and damaged that there's likely only one outcome. But the end is self-inflicted and is the mental body giving up rather than the physical body giving up, and the latter is easier to understand and come to terms with because it feels more external.

And people want to find reasons and apportion blame because the alternative is to accept that not everyone with poor mental health can be saved or wants to be saved, and that's not a nice thought.

Dotjones · 19/10/2024 14:22

No you can't stop everyone intent on killing themselves doing so. The person has to want help and, more importantly, believe that a better future is possible. By the very nature of depression and other conditions, this belief is impossible to hold even if they do genuinely want help.

People always used to tell me "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." Well, yeah, but that did nothing to change my mindset. At my lowest, a permanent solution felt like something "good enough" because my understanding of a "temporary problem" was that temporary meant "between now and when I die." The point I'm trying to make is that only I had the power to (usually) stop myself attempting it.

OP, those people who asked you "why you didn't stop it?" Well, why didn't they do anything? Why didn't they care enough to put in as much effort as you did into trying to improve things? I think they ask you why you didn't stop it because they know they did absolutely nothing. They have no defence, they didn't care enough. Maybe they didn't even know who the person was until they died - they were totally indifferent to them, unaware of their existence.

Redruns · 19/10/2024 14:22

I think you're right no one can stop if it that's what the individual is going to do, but in the case you're referring to, there are very many things that could have been done differently by those around him, that might have changed things for him.

ConsuelaHammock · 19/10/2024 14:24

You are a good friend and did everything you could have done. I do think that for some people who just can’t cope with this world suicide is their escape. Not for those left behind of course. Suicide is selfish but wanting someone to stay alive even if they are beyond sad is selfish too.

Original poster
Differentstarts · 19/10/2024 14:25

Redruns · 19/10/2024 14:22

I think you're right no one can stop if it that's what the individual is going to do, but in the case you're referring to, there are very many things that could have been done differently by those around him, that might have changed things for him.

Such as I'm genuinely curious?

OP posts:
Redruns · 19/10/2024 14:25

Differentstarts · 19/10/2024 14:25

Such as I'm genuinely curious?

Show quote history

Oh come on, the lad was exploited from 14yo.

stayathomer · 19/10/2024 14:26

I’m so sorry op, everything you said is true, Id guess once someone decides if they don’t stop themselves there’s no stopping them x

guinnessguzzler · 19/10/2024 14:26

I think a lot of people are unaware of the complete lack of support in this area, both for the individual concerned and those around them. I think most people would assume that if someone makes an attempt at suicide they will then be offered substantial mental health support but often that is simply not the case. It sounds like you did everything you could, it is very hard not to feel guilty. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Firestace · 19/10/2024 14:27

I think thankfully lots haven't experienced feeling genuinely suicidal so can't comprehend what it's like for many in that frame of mind. When you're in that place whereby you feel so low you literally don't want to here anymore, you feel like your loved ones would be better off without you, and that removing yourself from the world would make their lives better. Of course that's invariably untrue, but mental illness isn't rational. Sure supporting someone, helping them access support etc can help some, but for some it doesn't. For some it exasperates the feeling of being a burden (again, not rational) and it's unfair for people to blame others for the actions of one.

Original poster
Differentstarts · 19/10/2024 14:29

guinnessguzzler · 19/10/2024 14:26

I think a lot of people are unaware of the complete lack of support in this area, both for the individual concerned and those around them. I think most people would assume that if someone makes an attempt at suicide they will then be offered substantial mental health support but often that is simply not the case. It sounds like you did everything you could, it is very hard not to feel guilty. I'm so sorry for your loss.

100% this, iv attempted in the past and absolutely nothing was done about it past the hospital saving my life and a 10 minute chat with mental health liason services. I could of quite easily walked out that hospital and thrown myself of a bridge nobody was stopping me or helping me in anyway.

OP posts:
Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 19/10/2024 14:30

People HAVE to believe that this is preventable, otherwise they would have to face the fact that it could happen to someone they love. If they think that they can intervene and have the power to stop it, they can believe that they could stop it happening to their loved one. It's just a self-preservation thing.

I am so sorry for all those who have gone through the loss of someone to suicide. But we have to allow adults to choose this option, and know that there is, quite often, nothing we can do to prevent it.

TeenLifeMum · 19/10/2024 14:30

Once someone has made that decision they are often really quite calm, they’ve come to terms with the choice and tend to stop behaving manic etc. you can’t lock up someone who’s calm and appears fine. They teach our hospital ED team that you can’t stop someone once they’ve reached that calm decision because 1. They’ll be determined and 2. They won’t tell you, because they don’t want you to stop them.

It’s so sad but it is their choice.

Original poster
Differentstarts · 19/10/2024 14:32

TeenLifeMum · 19/10/2024 14:30

Once someone has made that decision they are often really quite calm, they’ve come to terms with the choice and tend to stop behaving manic etc. you can’t lock up someone who’s calm and appears fine. They teach our hospital ED team that you can’t stop someone once they’ve reached that calm decision because 1. They’ll be determined and 2. They won’t tell you, because they don’t want you to stop them.

It’s so sad but it is their choice.

This is so true before she did it, it was the happiest I'd seen her in a long time and the professionals explained its because she was finally at peace with her decision

OP posts:
PrueRamsay · 19/10/2024 14:32

YANBU.

Objectively I respect any persons right to end their own life. But if it’s one of my adult DC or one of my beloved friends I would beg and plead with them not to. Do anything I could.

But none of that would ever be enough would it? It’s heartbreaking but we have to accept our limitations.

Ozanj · 19/10/2024 14:34

As far as I understand it effective suicide prevention strategies go hand in hand with effective mental health policies. You can’t have one without the other.

TinkerTiger · 19/10/2024 14:35

There's a lot of assumptions being made around 'the news recently', and cause of death.

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