To have stood my ground with SIL

[bagpuss90]

SIL is known for being quite pushy . I think I’ve posted about her on here before. She called me last night to ask if her son could borrow some camping gear from me (I’ve got loads of camping stuff) for an indoor activity with his cubs. I said yeh no problem . She asked if she could pick it up last night- I said no because I was getting ready to go out and didn’t have the time to sort it out. I said I’d do it over this weekend. I wrote it in my to do list. He doesn’t need the stuff til next weekend. Anyway 20 minutes later SIL was on my doorstep asking to pick the stuff up as she thought I’d forget and no I don’t have form for being forgetful. I had a cab picking me up in 15 minutes and I wasn’t quite ready . I probably was a bit short with her - telling her I’d already said I hadn’t got the time last night. She stomped off and messaged my DP (who was also out last night) to say how petty she thought I was being. I wasn’t being petty- the stuff is packed in the garage and I simply did not have the time to sort it . Was also dressed to go out and didn’t want to be raking about in a dusty garage. I’ve had a sarcastic message this morning from her .

So you readily agree to lend SIL camping stuff (nice of you) and she repays you by showing up when you told her not do and suggesting you'd forgotten all about it. Does she think you have dementia??? Then you get a sarcastic message? I'm thinking pull her up on it and withdraw offer of said camping stuff in future. Tell her to get her own....

I would pull the plug on lending her anything now. Pretty sure she can hire something or he can borrow camping gear from someone else. She shot herself in the foot with her own behaviour.

What was your partner’s response to her message, and to you? Is he telling his sister to stop her ridiculous and entitled behaviour and has he told her she was totally out of line to show up when you were on your way out?
Or is he on her side and having a go at you?

The crucial thing is how your DP has reacted. If he's sympathised with her then he can sort out the equipment and take it there. And stay there. I'm guessing people don't say 'no' to her very often.

What did she say in a sarcastic message this morning?

I have a SIL who sounds very much like your SIL.

When I first met DH, I found her pushiness quite intimidating and would give in to and enable it.
Since menopause I have cared less and less what other people think and I now don’t take any crap from her. She knows this and, consequently, is less toxic towards me.

To be honest, she has mellowed a bit and, whilst I would never choose to spend time with her socially, family events are now actually pleasurable.

Answer: do you still want the camping equipment so? (Not quite as argumentative as it could be but makes her have to back off!)

We used to have one of those who demanded what they thought they should have. It stopped shortly after:
"Our ds is walking we need you to drop off all your stairgates this morning."

Lovely moment of being able to say perfectly truthfully that all the stairgates had already been given away

It often works that way, stand up to an overbearing person = they treat you with more respect.
Kowtow to them, they will carry on treating you quite badly.

Good on you.
Do not let her gaslight you into thinking you did something wrong - she was well out of order and sounds a very controlling.

NovemberMorn
100%

Another good one is, You can throw your shit at me but don’t expect me to pick it up.

My thoughts exactly! This person sounds as though they need help if other people’s problems affect them that much. And as you say, they should keep away from the forums.

Tell her you've changed your mind and she can piss off with her attitude

There are two reasons people act like this. One: they are just cheeky bastards and don't give a shit.
Two: people let them behave that way.
Grinds my gears and can't be doing with the twats. Hence why I live a lovely life with no twats in it.
Only fleeting ones...

Suggested reply to her sarcastic message:

”ha ha, glad you can see the funny side. Hope you manage to find all the gear from someone else as I seem to have mislaid our stuff.”

Short and sweet...and correct. 😁

Fuck that

Just tell your DP to sort it out now and if he doesn't and she messages you again you can just say you forgot

Fucktard. From the word r*tard.

https://www.specialolympics.org/stories/impact/why-the-r-word-is-the-r-slur

You can Google "why is r*tard offensive" to find lots of other resources on this.

Block her.. Let your dp deal with her.. See if he is so kind in sorting his camping stuff out to lend her.. He doesn't have any? Shame that..

Just respond to dsil that what would be petty behaviour is if you were to not lend the kit after her behaviour and response to you keeping your boundary and not being able to do something instantly and iterate that as you are reasonable you wouldn’t dream of doing such a thing.

or more realistically let your husband (I’m assuming her brother?) tell her to wind her neck in

I worked with someone like this. It’s bullying. She wanted everything done to her imaginary timetable and nothing else.

Lend her the stuff if you want to but text and say if she wants anything in the future to ask DH as you won’t be doing it.

Yes I would never use the latter, I probably didn’t need the link. Maybe it could have been put better but it doesn’t actually say the r word does it.

I'd send her a message (and I'd also send it separately to your DH who I'm guessing doesn't really want to be caught in the middle here but due to her texting him last night, she put him there, not you) and I'd say that unfortunately now that you've actually had an opportunity to scour your garage, you can't find the camping equipment and her son will have to source some from someone else or buy his own for going on this trip with cubs or perhaps contact his Troupe leader to find other willing parents.

Under no circumstances would I be loaning her anything - chances are you'd loan it and never see it back. She is giving me that kind of vibe.

This

I agree but her attitude is not going to help him either.

There are other ways that he can still go on the trip - I'm guessing the camping equipment is a tent and sleeping bag and such - well - she could see if they are sharing their tents with other people going on the trip and then he doesn't need a tent. Sleeping bags can be bought in Argos and generally speaking they are a buy once and use for several years types of things if they don't get used often so it should be seen as an investment by them.

I fail to see how this is a you issue to resolve for them though. I assume there is a BiL (the husband to this woman) here too and what is his position on the situation?