AIBU to turn a blind eye or this borderline neglect?

[octobero]

I have a friend who I've known for a long time, she has two children aged 15 and 8, neither fathers are involved and never have been. To be honest I think this was her doing and cut contact when both kids were very young.

Our son is also 8 and they are best friends and get on very well. Friends son (FS) will often come to ours for dinner after school or a sleepover at the weekends but I feel she just doesn't make any time for him. Also this isn't a criticism thread just want to know whether people think I should get involved or leave her to it:

• her house is a tip. Not just a bit messy but dirty too. Sink is constantly full of washing up, the bathroom is grimy and there are toys and clothes everywhere. I have offered to give her a hand and will always try to bits here and there but she always says "oh I was just about to do the washing up/tidy the toys away etc". One time there was a crusty cat poo under the table, I was just like "oh Dcat seems to have had an accident; let me clean it up quick". I couldn't stand the thought the children standing in it or anything.
• FS will often come to us grubby. I know children get like it, but not from say playing outside that day but grubby ears and under fingernails, greasy hair etc. clearly he hadn't been washed for at least a few days. He happily has a bath at ours (which F is happy with me to do, she'll often ask me to bath him if he's staying over).
• his home work is never done. If we have him after school I will sit them both down so they can do it together before playing. The children have reading diaries and homework books and F has never once filled these in/or has home work been done. Unfortunately FS is falling behind in some areas, she showed me his latest report, but she hasn't seemed to make any changes.
• his attendance at school is low. She will keep him off for the slightest sniffle or if she isn't feeling well. Yet I would always offer to take him in if id known before school. The last time was that he'd felt sick in the night, hadn't actually been sick but she kept him off for two days "just in case". Again his report stated his attendance was so poor it was 75% and affecting his learning.

I don't want this to come across as a digging post at my F but more whether I should get more involved to help with things. Unfortunately I do feel it's more that she's just lazy, She has a lot of family close by who help with childcare etc.

So what do you want to do? Report her to social services?

I would sit her down and have a conversation, say you can see she is struggling and you'd like to help

This isn't 'borderline', it's neglect. Poor kid.

I think you need to report to the school or SS, because this isn't just not doing the tidying for a few weeks - it's more than that.

No she doesn't work. I wasn't sure if being "just a friend" the school would speak to me about such a thing

Like I said "I think". I'm not sure of the ins and outs completely or knew either of the fathers very well.

This isn't borderline this is neglect. I say this as a professional. Please report to school and social services. Those children deserve better.

Yes it is neglect, and you do not want to be complicit, in it.

How is your friend mentally and emotionally? I wonder if there's a deeper reason to this, such as mental health issues. Reason being is I've seen first hand what mental health problems can look like and sometimes it's a dirty house, what appears to be "laziness", and simply unable to adult/parent in the best possible way.
I would sit your friend down and have a deep non-judgemental chat and ask if she feels she's struggling with anything etc

Anyone can make a safeguarding referral to children’s services. Google the name of your county, children’s services and safeguarding. You should call them.

If that seems too daunting, email or call the school and ask to speak to the DSL. Tell them what you have written here.

Report it anonymously- SS are there to help, offer support, and help these children.

Why wouldn’t you report it?

The school cannot give you information about her family situation/child. However there's no rule stopping them from listening to and taking down concerns from you (or anyone!). Safeguarding is everyone's responsibility. Phone childline if you need more support with this

I would contact the safeguarding lead at school and ask for a meeting. In my experience they are fantastic. They will probably be aware that things are not right already and there may be things going on in the background that you're not aware of. I have had to report another parent for neglect which was difficult but I have no regrets. She was struggling and something had to give. Turned out the issue was much bigger and the kids are now in foster care and thriving.

Don't think twice. In the meantime keep doing what you're doing. It must be lovely for him to have a safe space. Good luck

On the outside she seems very happy and stable. She has a newish relationship, lots of friends/family, will often have weekends away/hobbies etc.

I would report to school safeguarding officer or ss. It's too low threshold for ss but could lead to a early help referral plus being 'seen' may give her a kick up the bum

Thank you for your kind words, that's really helpful. The children both seem happy so I didn't want to disrupt anything or know whether it's my place to contact help

School will be picking up the low attendance and should be finding out more to support attendance at school .

The Department for Education have ramped up the pressure again on schools and the LA from September. Expectations and scrutiny are high. Data is automatically returned to LA’s and the DfE.

This child is flagged as severely persistently absent.

A dirty child who doesn't do his homework wouldn't meet the threshold for social care. The school will be offering early help through LA services but at this stage this is optional support which your friend can refuse.
However, overtime, not engaging with attendance plans, early help support etc, continues to raise the red flag.

I'm not sure as her friend that you are going to gain anything by reporting (unless the school is very poor). They will know he is absent, not doing homework, is dirty. They will be recording this under very tight safeguarding procedures.

I would continue to be her friend, offer support and continue supporting her child when you can.

@gooodnews I'm not judging her.

It is your place to contact help. Your information may be the missing piece in a puzzle that triggers significant help for the family. As a teacher, if I knew what you have written about a pupil’s situation and didn’t report it, I would be breaking the law. Please make a phone call or send an email.

@octobero oh I see, I understand your concerns fully and agree with why others have said then. You're doing the right thing by the children (and your friend!) if you mention this to the school or SS