Angry with son for abandoning daughter on night out

[maxtheblackcat]

I need some perspective before I say anything as I’m so angry right now I could be very unfair.
I have lived a very sheltered life, I know this and try to be mindful that it can make me naive. My son who is 25 lives in London, his girlfriend works in the fashion and entertainment industry and has some friends who are actors/musicians/models. Not your household names but none the less famous and have some influence. We are down visiting son in London, my daughter who’s 19 came with us. My daughter is on a gap year, she isn’t the most confident and doesn’t really do the whole drinking/club scene. Even if she did our nearest clubs are small so a very different feel.
Some of sons girlfriends friends were planning a night out, they had a reservation at a lovely expensive restaurant and then were on the guest list for a seemingly high end/exclusive club. My daughter ended up invited, she was hesitant but decided to go as she felt it was an opportunity she didn’t want to miss, and I get it if I was 19 if want to hang out with musicians and actors and models too! She was nervous but my son and his girlfriend promised they’d keep an eye on her.
We don’t hear anything most of the night until about half past midnight when my daughter calls me in tears, she says she stepped out as she felt really uncomfortable, that she’d gone to the bathroom and the girl who had got them on the guest list was sniffing coke, older guys were being provocative, she didn’t know where son or his girlfriend were. I told her to call him and get him to either put her in a cab back to the hotel or take her home, she was panicking and not used to London at all and nervous of being in a cab alone late at night.
Typically he didn’t answer, she tried the girlfriend too no answer, we tried them both. We then told her to go back in and find him but the security guard wouldn’t let her unless the girl who she was a guest off (so girlfriends friend) came out and verified who she was and let her in. I’m not sure if this is standard practice but obviously, my DD doesn’t know this girl at all and had no way of contacting this girl and the security guard wasn’t helpful at all. My daughter was panicking and a group of girls walking by noticed and helped her get a cab back to the hotel. Luckily she’s here with us now and while shaken up she’s okay. We have always taught our kids to never be around people doing drugs and had a “fly with the crows, shot with the crows” mantra. My daughter said this is the first time she’d ever actually seen anyone doing lines of cocaine and the men were being so sleazy.
We still haven’t heard from my son which makes me think he hasn’t even noticed that she isn’t there!!

AIBU to be absolutely disgusted with him and beyond angry? He knew that his sister was new to all of this and promised to look out for her! My husband thinks it’s unfair to ask him to babysit his adult sister and she just shouldn’t have gone if she wasn’t going to be able to handle it. He thinks it was naive of me to think models, actors and musicians wouldn’t be doing drugs.

She coped, she's ok, I would validate her following her gut that she wanted to get out of there - that was the correct response to the threat. Just needs a plan of how to get home under her own steam in all situations. I would encourage her to stretch her wings, not retreat.

When she went to the toilet and saw the drugs, she should have gone to her brother not run outside. I don’t think she made the best decisions either but your focus seems to be only on what you consider his failings.

I don’t think these messages are fair or right. Your daughter is significantly younger than her brother- she is little sister- him and his girlfriend PROMISED to keep an eye on her. 19 is very young still, and being in a strange place especially London which is incredibly dangerous and rough- I’m from here I know- this was terrible behaviour from someone who you expected to watch over her as a supposedly protective big brother. I do get the fact she’s an adult but being 6 years older and realising his sister is a little shy and not a confident person the fact he assured his mum he would look after her and just left her is really shocking-she is lucky girls helped her back to the hotel as anything could have happened. You are right to be angry I would be too- don’t let these people tell you otherwise. But I agree maybe check he’s ok before letting rip… I’m sure he is fine they sound quite selfish if I’m honest x

Some bloody awful replies on this thread.
Totally lacking in any empathy.

If I or my DDs go out, friends will always make sure we are OK, we watch out for each other. We live in a very rural area, so clubs weren't a feature for them growing up. I doubt any of them have taken a taxi, can't remember the last time I did - it's public transport or walk. I also wouldn't expect to be groped and grinded on, on a night out.

I would absolutely expect my kids to look out for each other whether they are male or female, in the same way I'd expect friends to.

She ran off after going to the toilet. You can’t reasonably be expecting your son to have to accompany a 19 year old to the toilet?!

Your daughter has a lack of common sense. This is the issue, not your son.

Some people seem to be missing the fact that the brother didn’t leave his sister anywhere. She ran off on her own and he didn’t know she’d left the club instead of staying with the friend who had accompanied her to the bathroom until they found him again.

Your daughter ran off, she isolated herself. I agree it's her lack of common sense here that's the problem you really shouldn't be berating your son and his girlfriend over this.

Whether he should be looking after her or not, he said he would and he didn't. He knew she was worried, he presumably knows she's nervous and anxious and he let her down. If he didn't want to do it he should have not agreed. Still yelling won't help. Maybe he felt he couldn't say no. Sot him down and explain you're dispointed (which is worse anyway) and that he put his sister at risk and ask why. Then I think you need to work on your daughters resilience skills. She really should be able to put herself in a taxi etc. At 19. I would be equally worried about that bit TBH. She needs some life skills.

I agree.

I'd also say that I understand both of your points of view, neither of you are unreasonable as such. But it doesn't sound like he abandoned her at all, he just moved in a busy club. She then left, and understandably no-one could hear their phone.

I'm surprised she wasn't allowed back in when she had clearly just been in there, but equally I'm amazed that a 19 year old would freak out as much about getting a cab etc.

It doesn't sound like she is very resilient at all, which isn't sweet naiveté but something to work on.

Yes, I agree with this. Call him today and tell him what happened and see what he says. He’s an adult in his mid 20s but so is my DS24 and I would not hesitate to tell him what I thought of his coke-snorting acquaintances.

As you've concluded, both could have handled things better, but all's well that ends well.

I'm aghast at those saying he shouldn't have kept an eye on her. Not because they are brother and sister, but it's what groups of friends do when clubbing. My mad clubbing days were back in the 90's and we would never have let someone just disappear like that.

Bro should have realised she is very sheltered and prepared her to expect to see drugs, rammed clubs etc.

She was beyond foolish to walk out. She put herself into a less safe situation. Drugs are everywhere, I know a little village pub where people do lines in the loo. Just being near that doesn't put her in any danger. Gropy men in clubs, it's not okay but it happens, if one is bothering her, she should tell a bouncer. It's obvious no-one will hear a phone in a club. It's also obvious that if you only got entry into anywhere as a guest of someone, you may not get back in without them. There's sheltered and then there's no common sense.

Someone should have given her a bit of advice before she went.Did she know how to hail a black cab? That's the safest and only option I'll do in London. Did she know to keep a bit of cash on her separate from her purse/phone? Did she know to mind her drinks?

But yes, I travelled abroad to work for a year at 18, and it sounds like your DD urgently needs some advice on how to handle herself when out.

Totally not the son's fault and to be honest it sounds like he really did try to look after his sister, she ignored what was told to her to not leave the club, she really could have stayed there and found her brother.
I don't know what the OPs words "he was told to look out for her" realistically means. He can't go in the toilet with her!

Reading between the lines of the OPs last couple of posts, the one thing that is obvious to me is... big bruv won't be taking his sister out again in a hurry because the OP is still blaming him. That's a shame.

Little girl? She's 19!

I think your DD might get a more meaningful apology tomorrow when everyone has sobered up. She shouldn’t have gone clubbing without an exit plan. Not being able to find people in clubs is very common and 2 hours is no time when you’re drinking (etc). Your daughter sounds a bit naive but not everyone has the same experiences and her friend and club choices sounds like they suit her more than your sons. I’d definitely be miffed at your DS but it’s done now and everyone’s safe.

If it was me I would have jumped in a cab to get her - it was lucky the other girls helped her.
very Naive to think no drugs in a London club
BUT if she went with her brother very odd they did not stay together so yes I would be angry at him

@Trobealone I’m old, but went for a night out last weekend and made sure my friend got home safely. I wouldn’t have left her.
Was there a discussion with brother beforehand? Don’t abandon your sister etc?

But in this case she left!
It’s like your friend going to the bathroom with another person, then leaving without saying anything and then their DH being angry at you because the friend lede.

Going forward, maybe get your daughter to practice ordering a taxi or uber for you both in daylight hours. And then do a couple on her own.

BUT if she went with her brother very odd they did not stay together so yes I would be angry at him

He sent her to the bathroom with a friend because she needed to go and he obviously couldn’t take her in there himself. She ran off and left the club alone instead of staying with the friend or trying to find him.

I can see why you are annoyed london is a big city i assume you are all from outside of london we have all seen it in the news look at the Sarah Everard case its safer to stay in groups no matter what age you are. That being said its very easy to loose people in a club someone goes to the toilet they get talking to someone else on the way back next thing you can't find them. I would be annoyed to be honest shes not used to london clubs im in my 30s and i wouldn't feel comfortable be alone there we are all different. Sadly it is naive to think people don't do drugs I was shocked but its everywhere now sadly even in the much smaller towns in all parts of the UK. Your husband should be a bit more understanding not everyone is a social butterfly and is used to clubs and partying she just sounds a bit nervous to me perfectly understandable I would reinforce the face of needing to stay safe together and he shouldn't have left her for so long shes in a strange place regardless if his friends where there how well where they looking after her no doubt they where not as shes not their responsibility they don't know her and it sounds like he fobed her off with them

The point is it was her first time out at night in London. And I think for any young person that can be overwhelming even if you come from a city background.

It's a new city for your dd, nobody is particularly friendly and if you're feeling vulnerable then it kind of amplifies that feeling.

Yes your ds should have been with her but in a club environment, people do get separated. And it would be weird and claustrophobic to be by her side all the time. It's not really his fault she stepped outside - she shouldn't have - and he won't hear his phone.

On the positive side, she's learned how to cope in similar situations in the future.

I wouldn't have a go at your ds. Just explain that that next time he could put his phone on vibrate or something so he can respond better if they get separated.

So many unkind and frankly irresponsible responses on here.
I'd be furious with son or any older sibling for not looking out for their younger sister too OP. I've always stressed to my DDs to look out for each other and their friends, that at least one of the group should stay sober enough to watch out for others.

And thankfully some savvy young women do get it.

Not enough praise on here for the young women who understood and helped your daughter.

My daughter was panicking and a group of girls walking by noticed and helped her get a cab back to the hotel.

Well done them. Because it sounds like most of the posters here would have ignored a young woman in distress or told her to grow up!

And bad things do happen to young women, alone and vulnerable in this situation. Off the top of my head I can think of a few news stories of young women who ended up murdered after just this sort of situation. Thankfully not common but that's no comfort if it's your daughter. I personally think doorstaff should be trained and expected to look out for the safety of customers in your daughter's situation.

Melanie Hall springs to mind as it's a city not far from me where my daughters used to go for nights out. A colleague knew Melanie and remembers her well.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/MurderoffMelanieHall

It's not just groping - drink spiking is a big concern. I sent both my DDs to uni with drink spike test strips from here.

checkyourdrink.co.uk/

More as a reminder to raise their awareness and hopefully for them to discuss with their friends than in the expectation of them using them regularly.

Good advice from others about planning ahead another time, and having cab numbers saved on a mobile. Also make sure your daughter has shared her location on her phone with you. NO. NOT HELICOPTER PARENTING as no doubt some posters will respond. Just practical and useful. DD rang up in tears in the early hours of one morning - she had left her phone and house keys in the pocket of her coat which she checked in at the cloakroom of a club. When she went to collect it they couldn't find it. Her flatmates were with her so she wasn't locked out but concerned about her phone. Quick check on findmyphone confirmed it was still in the club which was closed by then. Next morning a phone call to management instigated a closer search and she was able to go and collect her coat and phone.

So these are all practical steps for your daughter to learn as she develops her independence and confidence. No harm done and ultimately a good learning experience.

I'd be furious because your son and girlfriend encouraged her to go and explicitly said that they would keep an eye on her.

Yes, she's technically an adult but some DC have more experience than others growing up. DD didn't go clubbing or even drinking much until university. Her home friendship group just didn't. So she would have panicked too.

Her university friends have the ethos of 'out together, home together' which effectively means that they keep an eye out for each other. Nobody is just left alone and vulnerable.

It’s one of those unfortunate mixed up incidents. Yes he could face been slightly better at chaperoning but maybe didn’t realise how unworldly his sister actually was. She didn’t help herself by bolting off. I wouldn’t go mad at anyone but chalk it up to experience.

Have a similar aged Dd and yours does sound unusually sheltered. Dd1 from 17 was going out with friends. My friend with older teens said recently it’s preferable if teens get to experience nights out from 16 plus so they make their mistakes while living at home and learn about their limits drinking / etiquette of staying with mates / getting home etc with parents on hand. Her Dd is fine at university but has commented that some students from more sheltered backgrounds were barrelling round getting blind drunk and being unsafe.

Your dc sound like polar opposites personality wise!

Your daughter is an adult and it sounds like you've wrapped her in cotton wool, resulting in her behaving like a bit of a wet weekend. You have admitted to being sheltered and it is clear that your daughter is exactly the same. Like it or not, if she goes on nights out, particularly in London, people will be taking cocaine. It is RIFE in London. Your son was probably doing it too, hence why he was nowhere to be found. Or perhaps she was embarrassing him?

She needs to work on building some resilience and downloading the uber/bolt app, why was she incapable of getting a cab herself and had to rely on a random group of girls?