Angry with son for abandoning daughter on night out

[maxtheblackcat]

I need some perspective before I say anything as I’m so angry right now I could be very unfair.
I have lived a very sheltered life, I know this and try to be mindful that it can make me naive. My son who is 25 lives in London, his girlfriend works in the fashion and entertainment industry and has some friends who are actors/musicians/models. Not your household names but none the less famous and have some influence. We are down visiting son in London, my daughter who’s 19 came with us. My daughter is on a gap year, she isn’t the most confident and doesn’t really do the whole drinking/club scene. Even if she did our nearest clubs are small so a very different feel.
Some of sons girlfriends friends were planning a night out, they had a reservation at a lovely expensive restaurant and then were on the guest list for a seemingly high end/exclusive club. My daughter ended up invited, she was hesitant but decided to go as she felt it was an opportunity she didn’t want to miss, and I get it if I was 19 if want to hang out with musicians and actors and models too! She was nervous but my son and his girlfriend promised they’d keep an eye on her.
We don’t hear anything most of the night until about half past midnight when my daughter calls me in tears, she says she stepped out as she felt really uncomfortable, that she’d gone to the bathroom and the girl who had got them on the guest list was sniffing coke, older guys were being provocative, she didn’t know where son or his girlfriend were. I told her to call him and get him to either put her in a cab back to the hotel or take her home, she was panicking and not used to London at all and nervous of being in a cab alone late at night.
Typically he didn’t answer, she tried the girlfriend too no answer, we tried them both. We then told her to go back in and find him but the security guard wouldn’t let her unless the girl who she was a guest off (so girlfriends friend) came out and verified who she was and let her in. I’m not sure if this is standard practice but obviously, my DD doesn’t know this girl at all and had no way of contacting this girl and the security guard wasn’t helpful at all. My daughter was panicking and a group of girls walking by noticed and helped her get a cab back to the hotel. Luckily she’s here with us now and while shaken up she’s okay. We have always taught our kids to never be around people doing drugs and had a “fly with the crows, shot with the crows” mantra. My daughter said this is the first time she’d ever actually seen anyone doing lines of cocaine and the men were being so sleazy.
We still haven’t heard from my son which makes me think he hasn’t even noticed that she isn’t there!!

AIBU to be absolutely disgusted with him and beyond angry? He knew that his sister was new to all of this and promised to look out for her! My husband thinks it’s unfair to ask him to babysit his adult sister and she just shouldn’t have gone if she wasn’t going to be able to handle it. He thinks it was naive of me to think models, actors and musicians wouldn’t be doing drugs.

I thought that.

Op your daughter is 19, not a child. No harm came to her. She is going to encounter all sorts of people and situations in life, even while in education and at work sometimes, not just socially.

We are not living in the days when young women had to be chaperoned everywhere. No doubt your son and his girlfriend thought she was fine, they couldn't be expected to stay by her side all night.

I am sorry your daughter didn't enjoy herself but nothing too terrible happened. She does sound very young for her years. I am in my seventies and came across a lot more than that when I was at school back in the 1960s (& I boarded some of that time).

Is she going on to higher education? That will open her eyes.

Don't be cross with your son, it's not his fault.

Absolutely this.

I’m also honestly quite shocked she’s gotten to 19 before seeing someone using drugs, and especially that she’s gotten to 19 without a man being sleazy.

If be annoyed at her for being so pathetic. She's 19, an adult she should be able to just get a cab to a hotel.

They went out as equals not carer or parent and child.

You're acting like she's a young teen, 13 or something. He left her in a perfectly safe space with people he knows. Not a bear pit.

Yes blokes try and touch you in clubs,, they always have, sadly that's part of being a girl in a crowd. You either ignore it, call them out or avoid those places.

It is good for anyone to look out and help another but she is also an adult so no I would have no need to tell him off like he is a child and did not babysit her, I know being female means they have to be wrapped in cotton wool and be treated like crystal and can't be allowed to think for themselves bug if she is old enough to be out alone then she is old to look after her self

This is the crux of the matter. The daughter can’t even arrange her own taxi or uber.

Had she been able to do that, she could have gone home whenever she stopped enjoying it, and had had enough. The whole drama would have been avoided.

The first thing on the agenda for her gap year should be some practice and confidence building in this essential life skill.

What is she doing on her gap year OP. Is she working?

I'd be furious too OP.
It's a horrible feeling being abandoned like that (it happened to me at the same age). London is big and daunting if you're not used to it and if you've not grown up there.
I've always drilled it into my DS and DD - don't walk home alone and look out for each other on a night out (more in reference to being with their friends, as they rarely go out together. I very much doubt they'd abandon each other like this though)

Your dd is so naive and sheltered, that Uni is gonna come as a shock. Thus it's best that this happened so she can give it some thought.

I agree. She is the one who put herself in an unsafe situtation by leaving the group. At 19 she needs to work on her life skills.

I agree with PP that your son did nothing wrong here.

Your daughter should be able to get a taxi at 19 without panicking, crying, and calling mum.

If she was at university and this had happened - it would be very embarrassing for her and she would be judged. Harsh I know but true, so I guess it’s a good thing it was with her brother that it happened.

I get the comments saying she's old enough to look after herself but I'm almost 35 and recently went out to a club with my younger brother and his GF and I was really drunk my brother actually called, paid for and put me in a taxi to make sure I got home safe! 🙈 Times have changed now and young girls shouldn't be wandering around clubs with people they don't know on their own, so I'd be pissed at him for that.

Depends on the context, in some ways the world is safer, others it’s not . Mollycoddling your children too much can cause anxiety and stress, as what has happened in this 19-year-old .

Mountain out of a mole hill springs to mind.
Your daughter freaked out seeing someone doing coke and because there were sleazy men in a club… and chose to leave. Her brother was still in the club and couldn’t hear his phone. I’m not sure what part of it was his fault?

Your daughter needs to toughen up.

I agree with this. She needs to be able to get a taxi or make a decision that will keep her safe as an adult - it’s not for others to do it and not for men around her to do it. People are unreliable so she needs to do these things herself. I would actually say the security guard here is at serious fault aswell - not very professional behaviour. What about if her jacket and bag/money was still inside?! It was crappy of her brother to not be more aware and present but equally she does sound sheltered and needs to be able to call a taxi in an emergency such as this.

I haven't read the full thread because the first page got me riled up. Why are some posters so bloody obtuse? We all grow up at different rates. Just because some people are worldly wise and off on holiday abroad with their mates at 18, doesn't mean everyone is. Maybe this young woman is an introvert and lacking confidence. Maybe she grew up in a small village where there is little opportunity to do nightlife. There are lots of reasons why she could have found London scary when on her own in the early hours. I find there are some posters on MN who think that when a child reaches the magical age of 18, they should all be fully equipped to leave home and handle anything life throws at them. Just stop for a minute and try to understand that everyone is different and not cut from the same cloth.

This is not the fault of your DS

Please, OP, help your DD learn some life skills and gain some confidence

I think things have changed a bit since a lot of you (and me) have been at Uni.

DD just graduated but since the whole spiking drinks thing they are much much more careful.
They def look after each other much more-stay together, see each other safely home etc. They don't even go to the loo alone.
This is her experience and a lot of her friends in Unis all over UK.

I would be disappointed if my son and GF had behaved like this.
Your DD was vulnerable and out of her depth-which can happen to the most worldly wise.
It is not infantilising her to think it would have been nice that they would have known where she was/seen her home safely.

Edited to say that on reflection hopefully this will be a bit of a lesson in that she knows exactly what to do if separated.

It is one of our jobs as parents to teach and allow our children to cope with normal life as an adult

How many children have issues because their parents put their issues on to their children?

Yabu to expect your son to keep on eye on another adult all night. In a big/busy club it's hard to keep track of others and it sounds like she panicked and left in the first instance without telling him, and no one is going to hear their phone ring in a club.

At the very least, at 19 your daughter should know how to get a cab, if she doesn't you should have walked through this with her before she went out.

I don’t think he’s done anything wrong, at all. It can be so easy to ‘lose’ someone in a club, and he (reasonably imo) assumed she was with this other girl. You, and your daughter, were pretty naive to think there’d be no drugs, sadly. Your daughter didn’t know that once outside, she’d not be allowed in, so I can’t judge her panic there either, not nice for either of your children id say. Neither did anything much wrong, your daughter is just incredibly sheltered, so lacked the life experience/know-how to deal with this situation. She’s only young, so not a mega surprise, but it’s unfair to make your son the villain imo.

Daughter should have looked for him in club and not walked out

I think it sounds like you have mollycoddled her and now it's come back to bite you. A 19 year old should have the wherewithal to phone a cab. Once she felt unhappy she should have gone to find her brother and told him she wanted to leave.

Don't blame your son until you hear his side of the story. And stop hovering over your adult daughter. You are doing her no favours.

Exactly I don’t really understand that. If she was uncomfortable and felt like she needed air, couldn’t she find him or his girlfriend in the club to let them know?

She’s also 19. I understand she’s not from the area but has she never used Uber before in her life to book a cab? She could have even googled local cab firms if she wants an old school cab. Not sure why she couldn’t do that?

I can get my head around being panicked by what she was exposed to in the club.

Being unable to call a cab without help (assuming she wasn’t drunk) and you saying she’s scared of that as has heard girls being abused is what really worries me as her being not equipped to cope with some basics.

I would be stern with your ds that he didn’t watch over her enough when he said he would but I wouldn’t be furious. I travelled the world at 18 on my gap year, many do at that age and experience far worse than this. . Many people at uni and white collar workers do drugs. You’re talking about her like she’s 15 but she’s not and probably needs to do some fast track growing up. She (and probably you) need to do the most learning from this situation, not him.