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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Angry with son for abandoning daughter on night out

1000 replies

maxtheblackcat · 19/10/2024 02:15

I need some perspective before I say anything as I’m so angry right now I could be very unfair.
I have lived a very sheltered life, I know this and try to be mindful that it can make me naive. My son who is 25 lives in London, his girlfriend works in the fashion and entertainment industry and has some friends who are actors/musicians/models. Not your household names but none the less famous and have some influence. We are down visiting son in London, my daughter who’s 19 came with us. My daughter is on a gap year, she isn’t the most confident and doesn’t really do the whole drinking/club scene. Even if she did our nearest clubs are small so a very different feel.
Some of sons girlfriends friends were planning a night out, they had a reservation at a lovely expensive restaurant and then were on the guest list for a seemingly high end/exclusive club. My daughter ended up invited, she was hesitant but decided to go as she felt it was an opportunity she didn’t want to miss, and I get it if I was 19 if want to hang out with musicians and actors and models too! She was nervous but my son and his girlfriend promised they’d keep an eye on her.
We don’t hear anything most of the night until about half past midnight when my daughter calls me in tears, she says she stepped out as she felt really uncomfortable, that she’d gone to the bathroom and the girl who had got them on the guest list was sniffing coke, older guys were being provocative, she didn’t know where son or his girlfriend were. I told her to call him and get him to either put her in a cab back to the hotel or take her home, she was panicking and not used to London at all and nervous of being in a cab alone late at night.
Typically he didn’t answer, she tried the girlfriend too no answer, we tried them both. We then told her to go back in and find him but the security guard wouldn’t let her unless the girl who she was a guest off (so girlfriends friend) came out and verified who she was and let her in. I’m not sure if this is standard practice but obviously, my DD doesn’t know this girl at all and had no way of contacting this girl and the security guard wasn’t helpful at all. My daughter was panicking and a group of girls walking by noticed and helped her get a cab back to the hotel. Luckily she’s here with us now and while shaken up she’s okay. We have always taught our kids to never be around people doing drugs and had a “fly with the crows, shot with the crows” mantra. My daughter said this is the first time she’d ever actually seen anyone doing lines of cocaine and the men were being so sleazy.
We still haven’t heard from my son which makes me think he hasn’t even noticed that she isn’t there!!

AIBU to be absolutely disgusted with him and beyond angry? He knew that his sister was new to all of this and promised to look out for her! My husband thinks it’s unfair to ask him to babysit his adult sister and she just shouldn’t have gone if she wasn’t going to be able to handle it. He thinks it was naive of me to think models, actors and musicians wouldn’t be doing drugs.

OP posts:
AGoingConcern · 19/10/2024 06:12

Killingoffmyflowersonebyone · 19/10/2024 06:10

Yes, if your DD is that naive she needs to work on it, but he’s her brother and at that sort of club your daughter was incredibly vulnerable (even if she wasn’t naive). 19 year olds stand out in situations with much older people.

Your son was irresponsible but, also, so were you for thinking a guy on a night out with his girlfriend would give two shits about his sister.

You’re all equally to blame.

19 year old women don’t stand out as young in a London crowd of models, actors & fashion industry people.

Catpuss66 · 19/10/2024 06:13

I can remember going to a club in Birmingham on a hen night VIP pass ( I had been clubbing since I was 15) now in my 30s it was horrific. Never felt so intimated young men trying to put their hands up your skirt while you were dancing not one multiple men, you had to back up to a wall to able to leave the dance floor stayed in the VIP area only place that was safe. Some clubs are just scary. Glad your daughter got back safely. Well done the girls who helped.

Bewareofthisonetoo · 19/10/2024 06:13

thaegumathteth · 19/10/2024 02:55

OP tbh you and dd sound like you enjoy the attention of being a bit pathetic and 'pure'. You are not helping her by indulging her victim complex. Men are creeps and it's not on but her reaction is absurd and she needs to learn to cope and not be scared of the world,

This.
Encouraging a victim mentality won’t help her.

2024NTU · 19/10/2024 06:15

Bloody hell. I grew up in London. Was out drinking from a reasonably young age. Went to various bars and clubs. But if I’d been paired up with someone I didn’t really know to go to the toilet and they started doing lines of coke I’d have headed off too. Despite all these posters saying it’s just coke or it’s what happens in nightclubs doesn’t make it ok. Yes your DD should have been able to get a cab by herself but she wasn’t expecting to be doing that. And heading to uni is a bit different as pretty much everyone is new to the town or city, you’re not suddenly hanging out with drug taking models who all know each other.

Sunsetsarethebest · 19/10/2024 06:15

I would be angry at the fact she had to travel alone as this was something I was told never to do and its what I tell my daughters. Tbh though, it isn't his fault she left the club and couldn't re-enter. I wouldn't expect him to have literally been watching like a hawk-more a safe person to find if needed and someone to take her home safely. That's on your daughter. Yes, you said everyone tried phoning him but he isn't going to hear his phone if you are being realistic. Posters are unfair saying she's an adult and should be able to look after herself...19 IS young and the start of learning adult things, which can be scary. You sound like a level headed and caring parent. Neither of your children purposely made these mistakes but I would have a chat with him about making sure she can get home safe, and a chat with her about not leaving the premises.

Ladyzfactor · 19/10/2024 06:16

I have an aunt who sheltered my cousin to the point that at 23 really has known idea how to function in the real world. Never has had a job, rarely leaves the house and almost no social life. She was my aunt much wanted daughter after three sons and she became the princess while the sons were regulated to the side. My cousin is over three hundred pounds but my aunt has herself and my cousin convinced it's just baby fat. I tried to get her to go out with me for a bit to a bar but she was convinced that she would be taken advantage of by evil men out prowling. It's really sad because my cousin is actually very sweet despite everything and could really flourish if given the chance to grow up.

Killingoffmyflowersonebyone · 19/10/2024 06:17

AGoingConcern · 19/10/2024 06:12

19 year old women don’t stand out as young in a London crowd of models, actors & fashion industry people.

They do in clubs with 25-35 year old men. The sorts of club OP is talking about, very often have a minimum age far older than the age of OPs DD - and the fact DD wasn’t let back in reinforces that. It’s a very different ‘vibe’ to the average Tiger Tiger dump

Justleaveitblankthen · 19/10/2024 06:18

I think it's odd that neither your DS or his GF didn't answer their phones and didn't call any of you back.

People at that age are glued to their phones, whether they are in conversation with others/crossing a road/eating a meal/taking selfies.. Glued to them!

I would be very interested in their reason.

Prescottdanni123 · 19/10/2024 06:20

Sorry you are getting a hard time on here OP. Most mumsnetters moved out of the family home at 14, had gained enough life experience at 18 that they could handle everything from going to nightclubs to building a house with their bare hands to leading an army into battle and they can't get their heads around the fact that not everybody is the same.

I wouldn't call a sheltered 19 year old girl an adult woman. I would have thought at 25 your son would be aware that she doesn't have any experience of nightclubs and would keep an eye on her. Or told you and her what to expect before leaving. So no, I wouldn't be best pleased with him. Anything could have happened and he would have Bern none the wiser.

As a learning point, when your daughter does go out to pubs and bars, especially in strange places, it is good to look up a few local taxi firms before going and have their numbers saved to your phone.

IlooklikeNigella · 19/10/2024 06:20

I'm with your husband sorry.

ManhattanPopcorn · 19/10/2024 06:21

A 19 year old needing to be 'taken to the bathroom' in any situation is most unusual.

Missionimprobable · 19/10/2024 06:21

After reading your updates re talking to your ds, you sound like you've come to a sensible conclusion, you came across as an upset dm in the beginning (quite rightly).
You now know it was all a miscommunication, everyone is safe.
Hopefully, one day it'll just be a funny story between your dd and ds.
"Remember the time I lost you in that nightclub and that model was doing coke in the bathroom and I freaked out . . . . ."
Alls well that ends well, enjoy the rest of your weekend 😉

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 19/10/2024 06:22

I've only been out in London once, honestly never again. We were with friends who lived down there and all in our 40s but yes. It's a very different beastie to any other city I've been out in. Even with people who know the place well, it was an eye opener and I didn't feel safe for most of the night. So I can understand your daughter getting panicked and leaving the club, and then being stuck.
I'm glad both your offspring are safe and okay, I suspect your son is used to going out and hadn't realised that his sister was venturing into a whole new experience. Next time it'll be less stressful as she'll have a better idea of what happens, but make an exit / safety plan with her so she can get back home or to the hotel on her own safely.

AGoingConcern · 19/10/2024 06:23

Killingoffmyflowersonebyone · 19/10/2024 06:17

They do in clubs with 25-35 year old men. The sorts of club OP is talking about, very often have a minimum age far older than the age of OPs DD - and the fact DD wasn’t let back in reinforces that. It’s a very different ‘vibe’ to the average Tiger Tiger dump

She wasn’t let back in because it was an invite-only event and her name wasn’t on the guest list. The doorman unsurprisingly didn’t take the oldest line in the book “my friends are already inside” as a reason to let her in.

19 year-old women simply do not stand out amidst groups of early-20s women like DS’s gf and her friends, especially in a dark nightclub.

Completelyjo · 19/10/2024 06:23

Justleaveitblankthen · 19/10/2024 06:18

I think it's odd that neither your DS or his GF didn't answer their phones and didn't call any of you back.

People at that age are glued to their phones, whether they are in conversation with others/crossing a road/eating a meal/taking selfies.. Glued to them!

I would be very interested in their reason.

Oh give it a rest. No “people of that age” are not glued to their phones in a dark, loud club.

Globules · 19/10/2024 06:24

If the DD is mature enough to go into a club, then the DD needs to be mature enough to accept some people will be snorting lines, that some men will be a little gropey and that she needs to have an exit plan in her brain, and a back up, for when she's ready to leave, as there's always a high chance you lose the people you went into a club with.

You should have prepped her more OP. She sounds very sheltered to me.

Differentstarts · 19/10/2024 06:27

ManhattanPopcorn · 19/10/2024 06:21

A 19 year old needing to be 'taken to the bathroom' in any situation is most unusual.

What are you on about women go to the toilet together all the time on nights out

TENSsion · 19/10/2024 06:27

She’s an adult. She felt uncomfortable and got a taxi home. She phoned her mum to let her know. She got back safely.

It’s really a non-event.

Cheesetoastiees · 19/10/2024 06:27

Sounds like your daughter just panicked and was completely out her comfort zone. She should’ve waited for your son’s friend and gone back with her to them instead of just leaving herself as she was told not to leave the club. The leaving by herself is on her, although I do get desperately wanting to leave somewhere when you’re uncomfortable.
Your son didn’t actually do anything wrong. He thought she was with someone and looked for her when he realised she was gone. She does sound very sheltered for 19 even if she has just finished school. Might be a good idea to work with your daughter on growing her confidence getting a taxi and simple things like this as she should be comfortable doing this alone at her age.

Drinas · 19/10/2024 06:30

We are all different but I can’t help thinking you project your anxieties on her a lot and she’s terrified of everything.

The fact the evening has been examined by you all at home to this degree is a big indicator of that.

Colinfromaccounts · 19/10/2024 06:31

Get a grip!

MumofHennHals · 19/10/2024 06:32

The amount of 'mums' on here that are trying to defend men in a club touching a young woman's waist without consent is actually disturbing 😂

If this was my daughter, I'd feel upset for her too. A night out at a club, should be dancing around with your friends, not walking around with men touching you as you walk past 🤮

As for drugs, I'm not naive, but are people not realising this is illegal? and I would hope my children didn't do it or were around it.

But addressing the matter, I'd absolutely say 'Mate come on' to your son, I don't think he needs more than that - but I absolutely would be worried about his lifestyle, especially if he's mingling with drug users.

As for your little girl, I'm sorry this is her first experience of a big night out & London is very daunting and scary, people saying 'just London' fail to realise it's actually the most unsafe place in the UK, let alone as a 19 year old girl in the streets looking / waiting for a cab.

I'd have felt exactly the same as her, vulnerable- maybe even now and ive worked in London for 20 years!

Glad she's home safe xxxx

MumofHennHals · 19/10/2024 06:34

Tourmalines · 19/10/2024 03:09

She hasn’t built up resilience . She’s been helicoptered too much . This is the result .

I imagine the world is a different place ( safety wise ) since you were 18.

CarlaBird · 19/10/2024 06:42

I remember being 18 and on a night out in a London club when visiting my friend. It was like a parallel universe. Drugs, people just behaving so badly. Absolutely awful. A man called Tony pulled me in behind some curtains, I think this was called the Hippodrome. I never went back.

I can see why your daughter panicked. My son would look out for his sister, no matter how grown up they are, especially somewhere like that.

Lurkingandlearning · 19/10/2024 06:44

Whether he should or shouldn’t have been asked to look after her is moot. Once he’d said he would that is most definitely what he should’ve done.

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