Angry with son for abandoning daughter on night out

[maxtheblackcat]

I need some perspective before I say anything as I’m so angry right now I could be very unfair.
I have lived a very sheltered life, I know this and try to be mindful that it can make me naive. My son who is 25 lives in London, his girlfriend works in the fashion and entertainment industry and has some friends who are actors/musicians/models. Not your household names but none the less famous and have some influence. We are down visiting son in London, my daughter who’s 19 came with us. My daughter is on a gap year, she isn’t the most confident and doesn’t really do the whole drinking/club scene. Even if she did our nearest clubs are small so a very different feel.
Some of sons girlfriends friends were planning a night out, they had a reservation at a lovely expensive restaurant and then were on the guest list for a seemingly high end/exclusive club. My daughter ended up invited, she was hesitant but decided to go as she felt it was an opportunity she didn’t want to miss, and I get it if I was 19 if want to hang out with musicians and actors and models too! She was nervous but my son and his girlfriend promised they’d keep an eye on her.
We don’t hear anything most of the night until about half past midnight when my daughter calls me in tears, she says she stepped out as she felt really uncomfortable, that she’d gone to the bathroom and the girl who had got them on the guest list was sniffing coke, older guys were being provocative, she didn’t know where son or his girlfriend were. I told her to call him and get him to either put her in a cab back to the hotel or take her home, she was panicking and not used to London at all and nervous of being in a cab alone late at night.
Typically he didn’t answer, she tried the girlfriend too no answer, we tried them both. We then told her to go back in and find him but the security guard wouldn’t let her unless the girl who she was a guest off (so girlfriends friend) came out and verified who she was and let her in. I’m not sure if this is standard practice but obviously, my DD doesn’t know this girl at all and had no way of contacting this girl and the security guard wasn’t helpful at all. My daughter was panicking and a group of girls walking by noticed and helped her get a cab back to the hotel. Luckily she’s here with us now and while shaken up she’s okay. We have always taught our kids to never be around people doing drugs and had a “fly with the crows, shot with the crows” mantra. My daughter said this is the first time she’d ever actually seen anyone doing lines of cocaine and the men were being so sleazy.
We still haven’t heard from my son which makes me think he hasn’t even noticed that she isn’t there!!

AIBU to be absolutely disgusted with him and beyond angry? He knew that his sister was new to all of this and promised to look out for her! My husband thinks it’s unfair to ask him to babysit his adult sister and she just shouldn’t have gone if she wasn’t going to be able to handle it. He thinks it was naive of me to think models, actors and musicians wouldn’t be doing drugs.

why a non-smoker should go to a smoking area to hang out with GF?? That’s not good chaperoning.

her brother (who had primary responsibility) should not have ‘delegated’ to the coke head and then disappeared to the bar while she was in the toilet. He should have waited until she’s back from the toilet and taken her to the bar with him; or waited until his GF is back from smoking and then gone to the bar, leaving her with SOMEONE SHE KNOWS. At the very least he could have texted her that he is at the bar getting drinks (and how to get there)

it is really not difficult

And she was unprepared because she didn't know how to flag down or get a taxi.

That's the parenting fail.

Would you be cross at your son if his sister ran off crying outside after refusing to go the area where she was told sometime would be and then she got herself wound up to the point of crying and shaking because she didn't know how taxis work?

Or do you think as a parent you should have taught your child how to get a taxi and how they work?

Sorry are you suggesting that he should have taken her to the loos himself?
This level of “babysitting” is unreal for an adult. Can go smoke for fear of upsetting her, can’t go and buy a drink, needs to take her to the loo.

it sounds more like looking after a toddler in soft play than a 19 year old to a nightclub.

Maybe she was / wasn't. Fright, fight and flight are real things though, hence we look out for each other.

I'm sure she'll know now that she either toughens up, or realises this kind of activity is not for her. Folks are unreliable and not responsible for her, so she just needs to have her shit together.

I've never witnessed anyone taking drugs (bar smoking a joint), but I know I stopped going for after work drinks as I find people getting pissed for the sake of it revolting. Maybe that's her, and it's just not her scene.

it’s laughable how some posters talk about black cabs and Ubers as these super safe ways to get home 😄 I mean, I used them plenty, but there is also plenty of information about SA from drivers. Black cab rapist anyone? I can’t blame a young inexperienced girl being wary of just getting into one WITHOUT ANYONE in her group knowing.

I'm starting to think if she needs that level of care and handholding she shouldn't be allowed to brush her teeth unsupervised!

The non smoker could wait by the smoking area till the girlfriend had finished and presumably where the brother would return to after he had got the drinks.

But the 19 year old in this case thought it was appropriate to run out of a toilet crying because someone was doing drugs and then rather than go to the smoking area where she could have waited without going in, she ran out of the club in tears

Not only that, she has no idea how to get a taxi.

Why are you finding it so hard to expect a parent to have prepared their child for their own safety in the real world?

If this scenario had happened but rather than the brother it was her boss at work, would you still maintain that the Boss was in the wrong and support the OP on telling them off?!

Or if she was out with friends at Uni?

She is missing basic skills because they've never been taught and that's on the parent for failing to teach them and putting the onus on everyone else to keep them safe

no, she came back from the loos to where the group was hanging out (a table or booth?), and he wasn’t there, because he went to the bar. I mean he should have stayed in the place where group was until she’s back from the loos. So she wouldn’t lose him in a club. That’s absolutely standard, you don’t just disappear to somewhere else while someone is in the loos.

dont twist my words and then snicker at something that I have never said.

But if you saw someone taking drugs, do you really think your first reaction would be running out of the toilet crying to the point where you're hysterical outside because not only did someone do drugs, you don't know how to get a taxi?

There's a huge difference in your post and how the daughter reacted and how the Mom acted

Don’t be ridiculous. She can simply sit down and wait for him to return with his drinks.

Your literal words “her brother (who had primary responsibility) should not have ‘delegated’ to the coke head

I fail to see how that would work with the boss, but I certainly would believe her friends a bit careless and unreliable too if they did the same. ESPECIALLY if their reassured her they’d look after her.

suggestion to hang out at the entrance of smoking area is just ridiculous. If you want someone you invite to have a good time, that’s not what you do.

So common sense would tell you to either (a) wait where you left him and he would return or (b) go the smoking area where you know the girlfriend is or (c) go back to the toilet where the model friend was.

Instead she ran away from option C crying because the model girlfriend took drugs, refused to go to B where she knew the girlfriend was and didn't stay at A where the brother would likely return. She chose D which was to run out of the club altogether crying and hysterical

She could have called her mum or sent her a text. Ubers have the option to link accounts so another account holder can see your location and journey. Or you can use the age old technique of pretending to phone someone - telling them where you are, that you’re in a cab and you’ll be with them shortly, then stay “chatting” with them on the phone…

yes, because he delegated not just walk to the loo, but overall responsibility and didn’t check for 2 hours or picked up his phone because he assumed she’s hanging out with the cokehead. its not about actual loo visit

Sounds like bit of a learning experience for all concerned, then.

I'd be irritated if I was in a strange place and didn't know anyone and couldn't find who I was meant to be with too, so in that sense, I get where she's coming from and that he should've been keeping more of an eye (as well as bearing in mind that she is quite an innocent, which he must've known). That door policy is also ridiculous and does put people in danger - what if she hadn't had her stuff with her or any money?

On the other hand, sounds like her brother kind of thought he was looking out for her, thought she wouldn't have left the club, and yes, as an adult, she should be old/resilient enough to know how to look after herself and do her best to keep safe on a night out if she got separated, so that's def something it's worth her having a plan for in future. It's fine for anyone not to want to be around drugs and to remove themselves from the scene, but as she now knows, probably less than helpful to flee in panic. Sadly, the grabby men thing is par for the course; it isn't okay at all, but you still need to be aware it might in clubs and to extract yourself/shake them off when you can.

Come on, you can't be this daft surely?!

If you got separated from a group of friends on a night out and you knew one was in the toilet and the other in a smoking area, why wouldn't you go to either of those places to wait for them?

OP says the girlfriend had a cigarette them left the smoking area so she wasn't in there for the whole night and when she went back to the area where they all were, the brother was there but the sister had left the club.

oh yeah, and that’s all when your brother actually promised to look after you! And then shirked his responsibility!

How would she know this ‘old trick’ if she’s never been to the nightclub? That’s the whole point, she’s not experienced in stuff like that, so she shouldn’t be expected to know that.

My Mum taught me that if I was alone and felt uneasy about a taxi then I was to take a pic of the licence plate or the drivers badge if on display and send it either to her or to a friend before getting in. Because I was taught safety strategies and how to minimise danger for myself, rather than to cry for a big strong man to come and look after me. 🙄

He didn’t shirk his responsibility she ran out of a club without telling him where she was going,

That “old trick” in cabs is f all to do with nightclubs. She’s 19 years old she needs to learnt this shit before it’s too late.

I did not say I think it's normal behavoiur at all.

I also think it's not normal to casually talk about your friends taking cocaine to your boyfriends mother!

She was wary about them because she had been told that sexual assaults happen in them, as though that's a common occurance and not only that, she didn't know how to flag one down or call one.

She had to ask a group of women how to use a taxi and how to get one. Her parents were happy with this yet can't see how her not knowing how to do this isn't a problem.

If the daughter is as naive and inexperienced as the OP claims why send her off knowing she doesn't know the basic rules

Stay together
Arrange a meeting point if you get seperated
Tell people before you leave, don't just go
And how to flag a taxi down
If someone is doing drugs, turn around and walk away

The daughter did none of the above

You are daft, not me. No I wouldn’t expect that from somebody who is in the nightclub for the first time. Navigating nightclub with ease comes with practice.

She’s never been in a nightclub, she trusted her brother would look after her and got flustered when he didn’t.

This is a 19 year old woman. This is talking like she's 12 or something.
Surely she has SOME common sense?

Yes she was in that nightclub for the first time but not the first time in any night club. I believe the OP said she'd been out locally

Even if she hasn't, what about packed pubs with live music, gigs, festivals etc? Surely she's done something like this ..

They sent her off without explaining the basic rules because - one more time - her brother reassured everybody that it’s gonna be okay because he’d look after her.

no, obviously lesson learned is that you can’t trust your brother because he is selfish and you need to be prepared that he would abandon you so you have to make your own way home and learn all of this by yourself