Angry with son for abandoning daughter on night out

[maxtheblackcat]

I need some perspective before I say anything as I’m so angry right now I could be very unfair.
I have lived a very sheltered life, I know this and try to be mindful that it can make me naive. My son who is 25 lives in London, his girlfriend works in the fashion and entertainment industry and has some friends who are actors/musicians/models. Not your household names but none the less famous and have some influence. We are down visiting son in London, my daughter who’s 19 came with us. My daughter is on a gap year, she isn’t the most confident and doesn’t really do the whole drinking/club scene. Even if she did our nearest clubs are small so a very different feel.
Some of sons girlfriends friends were planning a night out, they had a reservation at a lovely expensive restaurant and then were on the guest list for a seemingly high end/exclusive club. My daughter ended up invited, she was hesitant but decided to go as she felt it was an opportunity she didn’t want to miss, and I get it if I was 19 if want to hang out with musicians and actors and models too! She was nervous but my son and his girlfriend promised they’d keep an eye on her.
We don’t hear anything most of the night until about half past midnight when my daughter calls me in tears, she says she stepped out as she felt really uncomfortable, that she’d gone to the bathroom and the girl who had got them on the guest list was sniffing coke, older guys were being provocative, she didn’t know where son or his girlfriend were. I told her to call him and get him to either put her in a cab back to the hotel or take her home, she was panicking and not used to London at all and nervous of being in a cab alone late at night.
Typically he didn’t answer, she tried the girlfriend too no answer, we tried them both. We then told her to go back in and find him but the security guard wouldn’t let her unless the girl who she was a guest off (so girlfriends friend) came out and verified who she was and let her in. I’m not sure if this is standard practice but obviously, my DD doesn’t know this girl at all and had no way of contacting this girl and the security guard wasn’t helpful at all. My daughter was panicking and a group of girls walking by noticed and helped her get a cab back to the hotel. Luckily she’s here with us now and while shaken up she’s okay. We have always taught our kids to never be around people doing drugs and had a “fly with the crows, shot with the crows” mantra. My daughter said this is the first time she’d ever actually seen anyone doing lines of cocaine and the men were being so sleazy.
We still haven’t heard from my son which makes me think he hasn’t even noticed that she isn’t there!!

AIBU to be absolutely disgusted with him and beyond angry? He knew that his sister was new to all of this and promised to look out for her! My husband thinks it’s unfair to ask him to babysit his adult sister and she just shouldn’t have gone if she wasn’t going to be able to handle it. He thinks it was naive of me to think models, actors and musicians wouldn’t be doing drugs.

The OP and her Husband referred to it as babysitting.

Yes, I agree with you. Also, cows are flippin dangerous in the country. My point is (having come from the country myself and also lived in London), that if you've had a sheltered life and come from a quiet, rural place, London on a night out could easily seem overwhelming to someone not used to it. So the reason the daughter, IMO, panicked was because London was a lot to take in and the club environment was also threatening to her.

I have been in a nightclub, thanks. Hundreds of time all over the world in fact.

If there is an inexperienced member of your group who you chaperone, you do not move away from them for too long, circle back to them regularly and check your phone regularly. You certainly don’t just assume they are fine somewhere else doing something else, especially with a cokehead model.

Sleezy men are everywhere, not just in Londln nightclubs.

Based on that, why would you not teach your daughter resilience and how to deal with men like that?

You're all getting outraged because a male didn't protect a female from a problem that he probably doesn't believe exists because it never happens to him.

One common denominator in all of these is the parenting fails that no one wants to acknowledge

Have you missed the part where they asked the daughter to stay with them, and she refused.

She was told the girlfriend was in the smoking area but she refused to go there what would you suggest then?

Surely Mum (the OP) should've insisted her daughter just went to the meal in the swanky restaurant and gave the club a miss. Out of everyone the OP is the one who knows the capabilities of her DD best. And the fact she would be out of her comfort zone and is naive to be in a London club.

That way, the daughter would've experienced a great meal out with movers and shakers and her brother and not ended up running out of a club in tears.

I say this because my eldest DD was part of a group her age who used to go clubbing at a certain point in their lives. Youngest DD knew them all and was asked along but I just knew it wouldn't be her thing, she just needed another year or two of age under her belt. She didn't want to lose face saying 'no' but I did it for her by saying 'no, maybe next year'.

Frankly I cannot think of any nightclub/festival I’ve been in where there aren’t “sleazy men”
(or at least men “on the pull”) and drug taking going on.

Yes! Particularly in the days (because I'm ancient) when you had a walk a couple of miles down the road to find a phone box. TBH I find the country scary as hell. I was assaulted there, but in all my 20 years in London being reckless, drunk, wandering around alone in the early hours of the morning - zilch happened to me. No man groped me in a club either (and I was a looker) so I'm not sure about these groping men today.

Ma'am, everywhere in the club. We are talking about men(plural) touching her in a club.

You can teach daughter's resilience all day long, but none of that stops women getting harassed all night long.

My older nephew used to go out with the younger one for a while, because he was looking out for him. Didn't make my younger nephew a damsel, just someone who had an older cousin looking out for him.

So yes, im outraged that an older sibling is so uncaring, especially of a sibling/sister tbat is in a strange environment in a whole new city. That's shitty behaviour. And you may be right in that they weren't raised to look out for each other.

Saying something doesn't exist because it doesn't happen to you is idiotic, so I'll colour him and idiot too.

And for what it's worth, the men in my life look out for me and you can bet I look out for them too.

She’s 19 and not his responsibility. More than old enough to put herself in a taxi. To be honest the vibe I’m getting is that you’ve over sheltered her and done her a disservice here. Where do you live that no one is doing coke or being sleazy in your local clubs? I’ve never touched a drug in my life, my Mum and Dad had a similar attitude to you regarding flying with crows etc but I’ve seen it done in clubs when younger. When I did start going clubbing etc at around 17 my Mum made sure I was 100% sure on what to do it I was left alone too. You need to help her toughen up and become more independent, your poor son might not have had a phone signal in a club and should be having fun not taking care of baby sister who’s now a grown woman.

Sounds like you and your DH should have gone with them to supervise and make sure things didn't get out of hand.
Surely the club people would be happy for you to sit at a table somewhere with a coffee and keep an eye on things / make sure nobody got lost?
That way everyone stays safe and you could have driven them all home too.

I did not suggest that.

😂

Good idea @TimeFlysWhenYoureHavingRum and they could maybe have a word with the club management to not have the lights down or any of that over noisy music happening so there's no distraction at all!!

How embarrassing for a 26 year old man and his model girlfriend, to have his Mum and Dad go to a club to sit in the corner and watch over him and their daughter.
I think you must be joking with this post.

Son's friend "who are that old couple over there who keep looking at you?"

Son "it's just my Mum and Dad keeping an eye on me"

😅😂🤣

But universally, men don't see the problems women face on nights out because it doesn't happen to them. They don't get men grabbing their waists or trying to get them to dance or trying to buy them drinks and generally harassing them.

That's part of the problem why they don't call it out because they don't see it as a problem. This is where the OP and her husband have failed for not making DS aware of these situations and how they make women feel.

DS looks out for his female friends because I've highlighted the potential dangers that won't apply to him and I tell him all the time about what is unacceptable male behaviour and why he needs to call it out

But you can't expect a woman to go out, unprepared and put the responsibility on a man to look after her. She needs to be taught how to take care of herself.

And you don't need to Ma'am me either

Or asked the DJ to put an announcement out?

I'd be interested to know (because I'm waiting for a delivery all day so over invested...) what did the dd do while mummy and daddy read her bro the riot act?
A-;cringe in embarrassment
B- still be sobbing in terror in bed/on the chaise longue à la Edwardian drama
C- be egging her parents on... 'yes Ma-ma! Abandoned I was! To the wiles and evil of that there London!!'

You and your daughter both sound incredibly sheltered.

That all said, I dislike coke heads enormously however, and would strongly recommend that your daughter stays away from your son’s scene. Lesson learnt by your daughter, and all that.

I also never said they weren't raised to look after each other?

She ran out of the toilet and the club in tears and hysterical over drug use that didn't involve her

The only way to have stopped that would have been for the brother to literally take her to the toilet and wait outside.

He told her to go to to the smoking area and she refused

The op says - She was nervous but my son and his girlfriend promised they’d keep an eye on her.

I wouldn't be out with anyone who's gone to the bathroom and not returned for a prolonged period, and not even check they're okay. It most certainly wouldn't happen with someone I knew was inexperienced and nervous. And it's just common sense and basic decency to find out why nervous Jane has left the club abruptly without letting me know I no longer need to take her home.

She went out unprepared because her brother reassured them he'd keep an eye on her. He failed to do that.

It's difficult, but we try. 😔

She also refused to go to the smoking area where she was told the girlfriend would be.

She ran out of the toilets crying because she saw the model friend in there taking drugs

And ran out of the club crying and in hysterics because she didn't know how to stop or call a cab.

Why has she never been taught basic night out safety?

^This^
Also to he be honest, most of this isn’t a “London” issue. A nightclub would likely be exactly the same in a smaller town/city - complete with men who touch waists and coke/mdma whatever taking in the loo.
The only difference might be the lack of available taxis further out (I live in area without Uber and am only 1hr away from Londons