Angry with son for abandoning daughter on night out

[maxtheblackcat]

I need some perspective before I say anything as I’m so angry right now I could be very unfair.
I have lived a very sheltered life, I know this and try to be mindful that it can make me naive. My son who is 25 lives in London, his girlfriend works in the fashion and entertainment industry and has some friends who are actors/musicians/models. Not your household names but none the less famous and have some influence. We are down visiting son in London, my daughter who’s 19 came with us. My daughter is on a gap year, she isn’t the most confident and doesn’t really do the whole drinking/club scene. Even if she did our nearest clubs are small so a very different feel.
Some of sons girlfriends friends were planning a night out, they had a reservation at a lovely expensive restaurant and then were on the guest list for a seemingly high end/exclusive club. My daughter ended up invited, she was hesitant but decided to go as she felt it was an opportunity she didn’t want to miss, and I get it if I was 19 if want to hang out with musicians and actors and models too! She was nervous but my son and his girlfriend promised they’d keep an eye on her.
We don’t hear anything most of the night until about half past midnight when my daughter calls me in tears, she says she stepped out as she felt really uncomfortable, that she’d gone to the bathroom and the girl who had got them on the guest list was sniffing coke, older guys were being provocative, she didn’t know where son or his girlfriend were. I told her to call him and get him to either put her in a cab back to the hotel or take her home, she was panicking and not used to London at all and nervous of being in a cab alone late at night.
Typically he didn’t answer, she tried the girlfriend too no answer, we tried them both. We then told her to go back in and find him but the security guard wouldn’t let her unless the girl who she was a guest off (so girlfriends friend) came out and verified who she was and let her in. I’m not sure if this is standard practice but obviously, my DD doesn’t know this girl at all and had no way of contacting this girl and the security guard wasn’t helpful at all. My daughter was panicking and a group of girls walking by noticed and helped her get a cab back to the hotel. Luckily she’s here with us now and while shaken up she’s okay. We have always taught our kids to never be around people doing drugs and had a “fly with the crows, shot with the crows” mantra. My daughter said this is the first time she’d ever actually seen anyone doing lines of cocaine and the men were being so sleazy.
We still haven’t heard from my son which makes me think he hasn’t even noticed that she isn’t there!!

AIBU to be absolutely disgusted with him and beyond angry? He knew that his sister was new to all of this and promised to look out for her! My husband thinks it’s unfair to ask him to babysit his adult sister and she just shouldn’t have gone if she wasn’t going to be able to handle it. He thinks it was naive of me to think models, actors and musicians wouldn’t be doing drugs.

I think your sons attitude is absolutely disgusting.
They knew the trusted friend was a “druggie” and thought is was ok to send her to the bathroom with her whilst she did her normal coke ritual ….
They knew his sister wasn’t used to the party scene that she wasn’t used to London, invited her to come with them and failed in the basics of making sure she was ok
If I was with someone who didn’t know the ropes I’d keep an eye on them . If just a basic courtesy

The girlfriend …… sounds awful too were they both enjoying a few lines and that’s why they were distracted?
Id be very concerned if this was my son .

Quality response! And so true! So many NIMBY responses!! ☺️x

@maxtheblackcat So what if people in the club were doing cocaine - how does it affect her?!

But the daughter was never told to stay in a group, she wasn't told to wander off and she wasn't shown how taxis work and she wasn't shown how to cope.

Why aren't you furious at her parents for not telling her this?

I am with the 26 yr old son. After a night out being rung by your mother whilst in a cab at 4am with your girlfriend and spending 20 minutes being berated like a naughty school boy... to then patiently explain a chain of events, he sounds great.

But she isn't concerned about her son, she is furious at him to the point of staying up till 4am and scolding him and his girlfriend.

Apparently it's irrevlant the daughter wasn't prepared and that she refused to go to the smoking area she was told the girlfriend would be

It's amazing how many posters think the son has failed the sister and not the parents.

This. There's a world of difference between London (especially if you have no experience of it) versus middle-of-nowhere narrow lanes lined with hedges village; 1 post office (closed down), few cows about, the odd person, possibly a corner shop.

Well he has learned a life lesson hadn’t he! Never do a good turn for your younger sister - no good deed unpunished and all that.

I see a future of the daughter sitting in with mum and dad whilst brother lives his life bet there is no way brother and girlfriend would ever want the younger sister any near them if shes not fully supervised by both parents- bet they want to avoid getting embroiled with their drama again!

I'm sorry, but if a 19 year old is incapable of handling herself in a licensed premises in a major city, with a security guard around and with an active mobile phone, then I would be wondering if she has some undiagnosed needs.

Many kids that age go on gap years. More set off to live independently at university. If she wasn't comfortable or happy, she could have asked you to sort a cab for you as she waited outside the club. She could even have accessed Google (or logged into Uber) and found her own.

Fifteen, and I'd be angry with your son in your shoes. Nineteen? Good grief.

I think she she was being unreasonable and should have not panicked and found her brother. If he couldn’t be found she could have asked the venue to book her a taxi back to the hotel. She needs to look after herself and not rely on others.

I grew up in the equivalent of 'This Country' (brilliant comedy BBC1) and I had far more sense at a younger age, with no life lessons from parents.

Such an immature comment deserves an immature response.

oh dear, what an embarrassing event telling off the son and girlfriend at 4am in the morning. Team son here. My daughter is 18 living in a big city at uni, she manages just fine. My son, a few years older, lives in the same city and there is no way he is responsible for her. The daughter needs to explain her part in all of this.

There's also hundreds of other variations between the two extremities you've mentioned.

Which makes it even more puzzling as to why the OP didn't prepare her daughter and tell her basics on how to be safe and sensible on a night out in a strange city.

I left home at 18 from the back of beyond and managed without a phone in those days.

There are such things as a text messages, you should try them. They work really well in loud situations.

and obviously his phone should not have been on DND if he was looking after his sister and was separated from her

Just because someone is legally an adult doesn't mean they magically become streetwise, used to a big city and unfamiliar situations. It's such a weird attitude that you find all the time on MN - 17 is a 'child' and then at one minute past midnight on their 18th birthday they magically acquire the wisdom and experience of a 35 year old. She's a kid still, she hasn't even been to university or had a ft job.

Do you have children?

That makes sense.
Maybe you could have done better as well by making a firmer arrangement with them both.

I hadn’t but have now.

I’d still be mad at DS tbh. He’s 25 and knew this was a party with drug takers and men groping women (does he do this?). Only he knew how completely innapropriate a place this was to take his 19yo sister. And he left a stranger to her to look after her, so not really the same as him and his girlfriend doing it.

An older sister would have been just as responsible

Yes I do, two of whom are older than 18. I also have 10 nephews and nieces in their 20s and worked with young adults for many years. Some 19 year olds are a lot more worldly than others and can handle difficult situations better. I assume the OP knows her daughter pretty well, and despite the MN expectation that every 18-19 year old is a completely formed adult, that just isn't the case for many of that age group. Even scientifically, the frontal lobe isn't fully mature until 25.

Harsh. Surely you learn valuable life lessons by doing something you shouldn't have done, realise you shouldn't have done it, then don't do it again. The poor girl can't know in advance she shouldn't have done it. Also have you never suffered disorientation or a panic attack? Have you never been overwhelmed by a new environment? People don't always behave rationally. PS: why does the Eiffel Tower cost £1k. I'd buy it but wouldn't fit in my non-London drug-free home.

No, but she should have the usual sense of an 18 year old on a night out. London is simple to get around in - loads of black taxis and app cabs.🤷‍♀️

It’s not complicated. 🙄

Plenty of 18 year olds have very little sense on a night out, believe me!

I actually think the OP should have prepared both the brother and sister for the night a bit better. I can see why she might have expected the brother to keep a bit of an eye out, but she should have spelled that out to him if that was what she thought was needed. I can also see why the daughter panicked, but again they should have had a firmer arrangement - and the mother should know her daughter and what nightclubs are like well enough to make sure she was better prepared.