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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Angry with son for abandoning daughter on night out

1000 replies

maxtheblackcat · 19/10/2024 02:15

I need some perspective before I say anything as I’m so angry right now I could be very unfair.
I have lived a very sheltered life, I know this and try to be mindful that it can make me naive. My son who is 25 lives in London, his girlfriend works in the fashion and entertainment industry and has some friends who are actors/musicians/models. Not your household names but none the less famous and have some influence. We are down visiting son in London, my daughter who’s 19 came with us. My daughter is on a gap year, she isn’t the most confident and doesn’t really do the whole drinking/club scene. Even if she did our nearest clubs are small so a very different feel.
Some of sons girlfriends friends were planning a night out, they had a reservation at a lovely expensive restaurant and then were on the guest list for a seemingly high end/exclusive club. My daughter ended up invited, she was hesitant but decided to go as she felt it was an opportunity she didn’t want to miss, and I get it if I was 19 if want to hang out with musicians and actors and models too! She was nervous but my son and his girlfriend promised they’d keep an eye on her.
We don’t hear anything most of the night until about half past midnight when my daughter calls me in tears, she says she stepped out as she felt really uncomfortable, that she’d gone to the bathroom and the girl who had got them on the guest list was sniffing coke, older guys were being provocative, she didn’t know where son or his girlfriend were. I told her to call him and get him to either put her in a cab back to the hotel or take her home, she was panicking and not used to London at all and nervous of being in a cab alone late at night.
Typically he didn’t answer, she tried the girlfriend too no answer, we tried them both. We then told her to go back in and find him but the security guard wouldn’t let her unless the girl who she was a guest off (so girlfriends friend) came out and verified who she was and let her in. I’m not sure if this is standard practice but obviously, my DD doesn’t know this girl at all and had no way of contacting this girl and the security guard wasn’t helpful at all. My daughter was panicking and a group of girls walking by noticed and helped her get a cab back to the hotel. Luckily she’s here with us now and while shaken up she’s okay. We have always taught our kids to never be around people doing drugs and had a “fly with the crows, shot with the crows” mantra. My daughter said this is the first time she’d ever actually seen anyone doing lines of cocaine and the men were being so sleazy.
We still haven’t heard from my son which makes me think he hasn’t even noticed that she isn’t there!!

AIBU to be absolutely disgusted with him and beyond angry? He knew that his sister was new to all of this and promised to look out for her! My husband thinks it’s unfair to ask him to babysit his adult sister and she just shouldn’t have gone if she wasn’t going to be able to handle it. He thinks it was naive of me to think models, actors and musicians wouldn’t be doing drugs.

OP posts:
BustingBaoBun · 19/10/2024 13:12

@Getitwright
I am so with you. It won't go down well, but I do think people of our era at the same sort of age as the OP's DD just had more common sense because we didn't have the failsafe mobile phone etc. We had to plan in advance, make sure we had the right money for the phone box if something went wrong.
I remember waiting to meet a girlfriend in a really busy bar/club back in the 70s... when I was about 17, I'd arranged which part of the place she would meet me, I just stayed there, didn't wander, didn't go off to find her, didn't try and find a phone to ring her home... just sat there. She was about 2 hours late but I'd worked out the implications if I'd wandered off. I was furious with her! 😅

MargaretThursday · 19/10/2024 13:14

I don't imagine it's something the Op will have to worry about repeating.
Because I can't imagine the ds and his gf will be prepared to take the responsibility of the dd again.

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/10/2024 13:16

I think this is good prep for when she goes off to uni @maxtheblackcat presuming she is. She now knows how to get a taxi etc. I’d say it was a successful night tbh.

YellowphantGrey · 19/10/2024 13:17

BustingBaoBun · 19/10/2024 13:12

@Getitwright
I am so with you. It won't go down well, but I do think people of our era at the same sort of age as the OP's DD just had more common sense because we didn't have the failsafe mobile phone etc. We had to plan in advance, make sure we had the right money for the phone box if something went wrong.
I remember waiting to meet a girlfriend in a really busy bar/club back in the 70s... when I was about 17, I'd arranged which part of the place she would meet me, I just stayed there, didn't wander, didn't go off to find her, didn't try and find a phone to ring her home... just sat there. She was about 2 hours late but I'd worked out the implications if I'd wandered off. I was furious with her! 😅

Edited

But the OP is in her 50s so also had a young life pre mobile phones so would have to have planned the same way.

All that seems to have happened is the daughter has no idea how to deal with personal responsibility and has been frightened to death about different scenarios

Hadjab · 19/10/2024 13:17

What’s done is done, but she needs to become a little more street savvy. Not saying she needs to be doing drugs in clubs every weekend, but she definitely needs to know how to get home from any situation.

Citymapper app is a must have, as are Uber, Bolt and Bus times.

Righteouspuppy · 19/10/2024 13:18

At 19yrs old, panicking because you have to get a cab on your own home is not normal no. I was traversing nightclubs across the world at that age.

Also, crying because someone did cocaine (which doesn’t affect her surely) is odd.

Id imagine the bouncer didn’t let her back in because she was ‘crying and panicking’ and didn’t want a scene.

She needs to grow up

Mirabai · 19/10/2024 13:22

katepilar · 19/10/2024 12:49

I think its a shame that so many people cant see that it was a scary situation for a 19yo girl that has no experience of clubs or London. Especially once she was cut off outside by the presumably scary bouncers.

It’s not that they can’t see it was scary for her. But that she didn’t act sensibly or maturely in the circs.

Righteouspuppy · 19/10/2024 13:31

Your poor son. A 20min phone call at 4am? Seriously, what the fuck? I’m sure he’ll swerve the both of you for a while, it’s embarrassing behaviour

Imfreetofeelgood · 19/10/2024 13:32

At least your daughter knows what she is and isn't happy with going forward. She might never be the sort of person who chooses to go clubbing. Nothing wrong with that. I admire her in someways OP.

TheaBrandt · 19/10/2024 13:33

All this talk of brothers being responsible for sisters puts me in mind of Jane Austen novels! Having never had a brother and neither do my two teen girls it’s a wonder we have survived thus far! Both my similar aged girls seem adept at handling nights out themselves without male assistance.

Strawberry4Supermoon · 19/10/2024 13:33

Mickey79 · 19/10/2024 12:59

Why have you quoted me?

Sorry that was for @Lanzarotelady who seemed to the club would be a 'banging night out'

namechangetheworld · 19/10/2024 13:34

I grew up in a teeny village and didn't go to a nightclub until I was 21. I was incredibly sheltered. But I still wasn't daft enough to leave a club and get separated from my friends. Something considerably worse could have happened to her outside alone rather than a few strange men touching her waist.

GreyCarpet · 19/10/2024 13:35

Mirabai · 19/10/2024 13:22

It’s not that they can’t see it was scary for her. But that she didn’t act sensibly or maturely in the circs.

After a million posts, this sums it up.

flyingefffs · 19/10/2024 13:35

Strawberry4Supermoon · 19/10/2024 13:33

Sorry that was for @Lanzarotelady who seemed to the club would be a 'banging night out'

Can’t anyone understand a joke anymore

Contrastinggrassstates · 19/10/2024 13:36

maxtheblackcat · 19/10/2024 04:43

By both I meant my daughter and my son. I have no opinion on the girlfriend’s behaviour as she’s not my child!

As the older sibling and having been in similar situations I hope you didn’t give your son the sense that it is his fault or that he is to blame. She is an adult. It’s just one of those things. If I was your son I’d be feeling pretty hurt and Cross if you were blaming him.

Kitkatcatflap · 19/10/2024 13:38

samedifferent · 19/10/2024 02:34

My point is: it's unreasonable to expect anyone to look after an adult woman.

She has just left school and he said he would keep an eye on her. She is isn't adult in the same way that someone in their mid twenties is.

Totally agree. I lived and played in London and thought nothing of it but I get if you are not used to a big night out it could be scary to be left on your own.

Not answering his phone, even if to reassure her is not on.

So glad a group of passing girls helped her. I have done that, wouldn't hesitate to do it again. Been there when friends have done it. London has nice people too.

OnaBegonia · 19/10/2024 13:41

@Righteouspuppy
No doubt OP will be the lead in a nightmare MIL thread in years to come.

RedToothBrush · 19/10/2024 13:45

Kitkatcatflap · 19/10/2024 13:38

Totally agree. I lived and played in London and thought nothing of it but I get if you are not used to a big night out it could be scary to be left on your own.

Not answering his phone, even if to reassure her is not on.

So glad a group of passing girls helped her. I have done that, wouldn't hesitate to do it again. Been there when friends have done it. London has nice people too.

This is what an anxious daughter should be directed to focus on.

Her night was shit and it didn't go the way she had hoped. But despite that, she did get back safely and there were people who instead of being dicks, did help her.

Focusing on how her brother let her down and how everything was awful won't help her.

Everything turned out ok is the the message that she needs to hear.

Greengagesnfennel · 19/10/2024 13:47

I would be furious with him!

People saying no big deal are being disingenuous. I was out and clubbing loads at 18 (in London) BUT always in a group. Anyone who really did lots of partying at 18 KNOWS that it is a dangerous activity if you are girl on your own. You ALWAYs stay in a group and keep and eye out for your mates and leave no one alone or in a situation that could get risky for them.

She knew no one but your DS. He had a duty to look after her. It is the rule of clubbing with young women. He needs a serious talking to because he put her at SERIOUS risk. She is not being young and naive about that at all she is being realistic.

Thudercatsrule · 19/10/2024 13:49

Why didnt she just order an Uber?

exprecis · 19/10/2024 13:50

@Greengagesnfennel have you read all of the OP's updates?

Because the one who didn't abide by this

You ALWAYs stay in a group

Was the DD

Wherehasallthetimegone · 19/10/2024 13:54

goldenshred · 19/10/2024 04:09

At least she's home safe and didn't have any coke. It's absolutely rife in london. Id be surprised if young rich models musicians and actors who are at a fancy club weren't snorting it.

It might be rife but it's very sad you and so many pp that I've read seem to think it's normal behaviour.

I think it's very reassuring that OPs DD was shocked by the drug taking and didn't want any part of it. Good for her.

If I were OP I would be worried about the fact her DS is obviously not shocked by the drugs and would seem to see it as normal. He was happy for his sister to go off to the ladies with someone he must have known was doing coke. I wouldn't be happy about that or the fact he is part of the drugs scene.

BustingBaoBun · 19/10/2024 13:55

You ALWAYs stay in a group

Shame she wandered off and left the nightclub then!

redskydarknight · 19/10/2024 13:55

I get that DD is not used to London or to clubs, but being separated from your friends (which is basically what this boils down to) is hardly unique to London or clubbing.

If DD has managed to get to 19 and never go anywhere where there is a crowd and she temporarily gets separated from her friends, and has never been anywhere out late and had to call a taxi, i would definitely chalk this down to a learning experience.

like others, I'm struggling to understand what more DS could have done. He couldn't have gone in the toilet with his sister but he sent her in with a friend, and she also knew where his GF was. Should he have stopped her going to the toilet? Lurked outside until she came out (generally not a good look)? Treated her like a child and told her she must never go anywhere without telling him?

DoreenonTill8 · 19/10/2024 13:56

exprecis · 19/10/2024 13:50

@Greengagesnfennel have you read all of the OP's updates?

Because the one who didn't abide by this

You ALWAYs stay in a group

Was the DD

Absolutely! But she is faultless, and anything that she does which is ill advised is of course the dB fault, or his dreadful gf. They should have went to the club and the dd and dB should have sat at the same table all night, with table service for drinks, other than when he cleared the way through the crowd so she could get to the loo, flanked on all sides by the rest of the party, at which point he should have waited outside the cubicle, and the same in reverse for the journey back!

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