Angry with son for abandoning daughter on night out

[maxtheblackcat]

I need some perspective before I say anything as I’m so angry right now I could be very unfair.
I have lived a very sheltered life, I know this and try to be mindful that it can make me naive. My son who is 25 lives in London, his girlfriend works in the fashion and entertainment industry and has some friends who are actors/musicians/models. Not your household names but none the less famous and have some influence. We are down visiting son in London, my daughter who’s 19 came with us. My daughter is on a gap year, she isn’t the most confident and doesn’t really do the whole drinking/club scene. Even if she did our nearest clubs are small so a very different feel.
Some of sons girlfriends friends were planning a night out, they had a reservation at a lovely expensive restaurant and then were on the guest list for a seemingly high end/exclusive club. My daughter ended up invited, she was hesitant but decided to go as she felt it was an opportunity she didn’t want to miss, and I get it if I was 19 if want to hang out with musicians and actors and models too! She was nervous but my son and his girlfriend promised they’d keep an eye on her.
We don’t hear anything most of the night until about half past midnight when my daughter calls me in tears, she says she stepped out as she felt really uncomfortable, that she’d gone to the bathroom and the girl who had got them on the guest list was sniffing coke, older guys were being provocative, she didn’t know where son or his girlfriend were. I told her to call him and get him to either put her in a cab back to the hotel or take her home, she was panicking and not used to London at all and nervous of being in a cab alone late at night.
Typically he didn’t answer, she tried the girlfriend too no answer, we tried them both. We then told her to go back in and find him but the security guard wouldn’t let her unless the girl who she was a guest off (so girlfriends friend) came out and verified who she was and let her in. I’m not sure if this is standard practice but obviously, my DD doesn’t know this girl at all and had no way of contacting this girl and the security guard wasn’t helpful at all. My daughter was panicking and a group of girls walking by noticed and helped her get a cab back to the hotel. Luckily she’s here with us now and while shaken up she’s okay. We have always taught our kids to never be around people doing drugs and had a “fly with the crows, shot with the crows” mantra. My daughter said this is the first time she’d ever actually seen anyone doing lines of cocaine and the men were being so sleazy.
We still haven’t heard from my son which makes me think he hasn’t even noticed that she isn’t there!!

AIBU to be absolutely disgusted with him and beyond angry? He knew that his sister was new to all of this and promised to look out for her! My husband thinks it’s unfair to ask him to babysit his adult sister and she just shouldn’t have gone if she wasn’t going to be able to handle it. He thinks it was naive of me to think models, actors and musicians wouldn’t be doing drugs.

And yes there's this. The absolute glossing over this aspect made me raise an eyebrow.

No concern at all about the son.

This is what I don’t get either. All you had to do was get a cab to her.

This one will divide people I'm sure. Personally if I ever went out at that age, my older brother would not only keep an eye out for me, but his male friends would keep an eye out and then my brother did the same for their younger siblings. It's looking after eachother. She wasn't being babysat, but looked after on her first night out in London. My mother would have been furious like you too. You need to have words with him and also with your husband. Your husbands tune would have changed if anything bad had happened to you daughter on your sons watch.

She opted not to go to the toilet with the GF because she didn't want to go via the smoking area. She went to the toilet with the GF's friend instead, then did a runner because she freaked out at the GF's friend doing a line of coke.

When she couldn't find her DB, she foolishly left the club with no plan as to what to do next and not realising that her DB probably wouldn't be able to hear her trying to ring him.

Short of lurking outside the ladies' lavs like some sort of weirdo, it's hard to see what more he could have done. As far as he knew, she'd gone to the bog with the GF's friend, he had no reason to suspect that she'd done a runner.

@Getitwright Totally with you. I grew up in the same era. My parents gave me NO life lessons at all, I don't know if that was just them, or parents didn't in those days.
However, from an early age I realised that only me could look after me and keep me safe. Yeah, I made mistakes, but I was very aware at the age of the OP's DD and that was not from being taught it, more likely it was because I wasn't mollycoddled and I found my own way.

So the brother is a disgrace but the parents aren't for equipping her on how to function in life? Especially as she was in an unfamiliar situation?

She is 19. And yes, she was being babysat. Not even being able to go to the toilet herself. Or get a cab. It’s actually worrying to be this clueless at that age.

What if something dangerous were to happen for real, she would have no idea what to do. Not good.

But the daughter was the one who chose to walk off. Twice. She basically had an escort to the loo but decided to run off. She then left the club despite being told to not leave without telling the group. The brother probably assumed that at 19 his sister could follow simple instructions.

Believe me, you sound far worse than a pearl clutcher! It isn’t ‘cool and progressive’ to state the obvious - that associating with drug users and going to nightclubs where god forbid there are weirdos, does not give you the authority to announce that this woman’s son is likely behaving in the same way. THAT is what I would consider rude. Nothing about the OP’s post suggests her son is the kind of person to be directly involved in any of that behaviour and it’s shocking to suggest otherwise.

'Looking out for each other'

You say it yourself.

That also requires the understanding that you don't wander off by yourself. You stay in the venue and you don't throw a wobbler and refuse to go to certain parts of the club like the smoking area.

You ALL know to stay together and what the rules of give and take are.

If someone just runs off, refuses to accept the offer of someone to go with, and then throws a wobbler about the smoking area then they aren't buying into the unspoken arrangement to stick together.

All it does is create a conflict and that's more likely to result in resent and an attitude of 'well fuck her she's fucked off, I've been trying to look after her all night but she's being a nightmare and ruining everyones night, I don't know what else I can do'. Especially after drinking (or even drugs).

Good point re reception in clubs. But I do think some responsibility on both ends

I’d be worried if my daughter was this clueless when she was 19. Really worried.

What if there was a situation that was life threatening or really dangerous. She would have no clue how to get out of it.

It’s not good OP.

Anyone else want to know where this club is, sounds a banging night out!

At what point did the OP say her son and girlfriend were using drugs. Sounds like their interaction with that ‘scene’ is more like you described your involvement in it.

I agree.

She did a disappearing act. Id imagine it must be hard to look out for someone you can't see.
Not answering a phone in a nightclub is understandable. Who on earth can hear their phone in a club ?! 🤣 The point about daughter not knowing she was to stay with friends of his is ridiculous. I think there were definitely mixed expectations. At least it's dealt with now and everyone can move on. I hope you have a lovely day and thia doesn't negatively impact on the overall enjoyment of your visit.

@SnugLemonJoker

"Travelling is a completely different experience from going to a nightclub IMO. At least you'll still be in a group most of the time unless you deliberately go somewhere crowded."

That doesn't make any sense. I mean, I was working may way around Italy as a 19 year old and (fairly naturally) as a young person I went into clubs, bars and was exposed to/experienced all sorts of different things. Believe it or not you are likely to encounter crowded places whilst travelling and also do things alone too. I didn't say I was on tour with a bunch of trapist monks.

No concern about the son

And no responsibility expected of the daughter and her actions but instead angry and fury aimed at the son.

😂😂

I’m on the fence on this one too. On one hand her brother should have looked out for her more. However perhaps it all happened really quickly - he assumed she was in the loo, she left the club upset and he wasn’t aware that she’d left or couldn’t get back in again.

Also I think it’s very naive of your daughter not to know there would be lines of coke in a club. I wouldn’t want my DD to get to her teen years and not know how to handle that situation as I think it’s the kids with less awareness of drugs that could be more pressurised to enter into unsafe situations, whether that’s freaking out and leaving a club alone or taking the drugs without awareness of what they are.

I think it’s fine for you to have a word with your son and say that you wanted him to have kept more of an eye on her but not to place unreasonable blame on him. She is an adult and you her parent were aware of her character and life experience and the fact she was going to a London club.

DD was home by 12.30 and yet you stayed up raging to call your DS at 4am??
Seriously, this has been blown out of all proportion,
What is your DD doing for her gap year or has been doing for the last few months?
She seems wholly unequipped to make decisions.

And yes there's this. The absolute glossing over this aspect made me raise an eyebrow.

No concern at all about the son

Because there's nothing to say the son is doing drugs just because friends of his GF are.

Hence my comment about golden child syndrome - which got slammed by other posters.

I struggle to understand what the brother could realistically have done more. Save leaving the club and searching for his sister and therefore ending his own night and that of his gf who he was also with. It sounds like she was determined to leave regardless of how much looking after her tried to do.

From his point of view, has gone out of his way to look after her. It's her who has been a pain.

I think there's a backstory in the family dynamics.

Unfortunately, when he made the commitment to "look after her", he had no idea that she was likely to freak out in the bogs and do a runner.

I doubt if he'll be willing to act as her chaperone again after this experience.

I think people doing A,B or C at 18 or 19 isn't necessarily to say if they can manage it, everyone else that age should, but more the case of that particular choice is "normal" for that age, if that makes sense?!

To get to 19 and not know what to do if you become separated from a group on a night out is a worry.

You tell a toddler or a young child what to do if they get lost on a day out, why not prepare your teen the same way?