Angry with son for abandoning daughter on night out

[maxtheblackcat]

I need some perspective before I say anything as I’m so angry right now I could be very unfair.
I have lived a very sheltered life, I know this and try to be mindful that it can make me naive. My son who is 25 lives in London, his girlfriend works in the fashion and entertainment industry and has some friends who are actors/musicians/models. Not your household names but none the less famous and have some influence. We are down visiting son in London, my daughter who’s 19 came with us. My daughter is on a gap year, she isn’t the most confident and doesn’t really do the whole drinking/club scene. Even if she did our nearest clubs are small so a very different feel.
Some of sons girlfriends friends were planning a night out, they had a reservation at a lovely expensive restaurant and then were on the guest list for a seemingly high end/exclusive club. My daughter ended up invited, she was hesitant but decided to go as she felt it was an opportunity she didn’t want to miss, and I get it if I was 19 if want to hang out with musicians and actors and models too! She was nervous but my son and his girlfriend promised they’d keep an eye on her.
We don’t hear anything most of the night until about half past midnight when my daughter calls me in tears, she says she stepped out as she felt really uncomfortable, that she’d gone to the bathroom and the girl who had got them on the guest list was sniffing coke, older guys were being provocative, she didn’t know where son or his girlfriend were. I told her to call him and get him to either put her in a cab back to the hotel or take her home, she was panicking and not used to London at all and nervous of being in a cab alone late at night.
Typically he didn’t answer, she tried the girlfriend too no answer, we tried them both. We then told her to go back in and find him but the security guard wouldn’t let her unless the girl who she was a guest off (so girlfriends friend) came out and verified who she was and let her in. I’m not sure if this is standard practice but obviously, my DD doesn’t know this girl at all and had no way of contacting this girl and the security guard wasn’t helpful at all. My daughter was panicking and a group of girls walking by noticed and helped her get a cab back to the hotel. Luckily she’s here with us now and while shaken up she’s okay. We have always taught our kids to never be around people doing drugs and had a “fly with the crows, shot with the crows” mantra. My daughter said this is the first time she’d ever actually seen anyone doing lines of cocaine and the men were being so sleazy.
We still haven’t heard from my son which makes me think he hasn’t even noticed that she isn’t there!!

AIBU to be absolutely disgusted with him and beyond angry? He knew that his sister was new to all of this and promised to look out for her! My husband thinks it’s unfair to ask him to babysit his adult sister and she just shouldn’t have gone if she wasn’t going to be able to handle it. He thinks it was naive of me to think models, actors and musicians wouldn’t be doing drugs.

All’s well that ends well. Chalk it up to a learning experience. Maybe talk through what dd could do in a similar situation again, so that she knows coping strategies and doesn’t panic.

I would be furious with him too. My DS is coded to look out for all his girl friends on a night out, and I would expect him to look out for his sister in the same way. There are sleazy men about always, especially in clubs, and that’s why all the young people I know only go in groups.

It’s naive to think that drug taking doesn’t go on, and maybe your earlier hardline stance meant that your daughter over reacted when she came across actual drug take right next to her, though I can imagine it would be a shock.

Still, she survived, which is a good lesson in itself, and I doubt she’ll go again!

Firstly, your poor daughter. She was obviously out of her depth but she realises that now. I have a son and a daughter of similar ages and my DD would have been exactly like yours. She isn't interested in clubbing or going out drinking and she isn't streetwise or confident, so if her brother said he'd look out for her, I'd expect him to do just that. If he didn't want to then they shouldn't have invited her to the club. He's wrong for that.
However, listening to his side of the story, I can see that he gave her instructions and she didn't hear/understand/follow them. There's fault on both sides but she's home safely. That's the main thing.

I agree with your DH that is was very naive of you to think that a group of models and actors in London wouldn’t be doing lines of coke in a club. It is also very naive if you to have expected a London club security guard to have been “helpful”. It is also a little bit precious to have been so horrified and shaken up that this was happening imo. It doesn’t sound as though anyone was unkind to her, or tried to force her to take drugs or abuse her in anyway so this is a bit of an overreaction.

However unless something happened to your son, he shouldn’t have abandoned his sister (or anyone) with a group of people she doesn’t know in an unfamiliar city so you are right to be cross with him.

Good Lord your daughter sounds utterly feeble 🙄

Your daughter is 19 years old not 9. She sounds very sheltered. Admittedly your son could have been more caring but she’s an adult and needs to learn some life and common sense. This won’t be the last time she’s in a sketchy situation. We’ve all been there. Common sense would suggest you’d download Uber and get a taxi. Or ask the bouncer for a local taxi company.

He didn't exactly abandon her as per the title, but I do perhaps think it's odd that he left her to someone she didn't know with the intention off all meeting up again later.

Presumably if he no longer wanted to be with her why did he think that the friend would?

One the whole though it just sounds unfortunate.

Once outside if she couldn't contact anyone the only thing to do was get back to the hotel.

Why would you be furious? He thought she was in the toilet, she had in fact run out of the toilet and out of the club in tears?

She sounds like a tired, possibly tipsy young girl who's annoyed at being blamed for a 19 year old woman leaving the club without informing her as previously agreed.

Your daughter is clearly inexperienced in night clubs and this scene. That’s fine by the way, anyone suggesting otherwise is being unreasonable. But well done to them for being so ‘cool and streetwise’ 🙄

Your son shouldn’t have promised to look after her, when he knows what goes on during these nights. It’s a shame daughter didn’t know anyone else.

Some really harsh, horrible posts on here. A very young woman being ripped to shreds for being upset and not being used to unwanted male attention, drug taking and nightclubs.The lack of empathy from some women on here is awful.

I think your DH has a point in what he says and it would be good for your DD to be a bit more streetwise - she needs to be confident to hold her own and tolerate other people's actions.

However, I think YANBU because your DS broke his promise.

All's well that ends well. Rights and wrongs on both parts, but now you need to move on to something else, don't make any more drama out of it as you and your daughter need to toughen up! Don't make this out to be worse than it it is!

I feel like I know this type of night out and the type of people from the 90s......

I should preface this with I think this is between your son and your daughter and I wouldn't get involved to the extent you are.

I am surprised that your daughter wasn't better prepared AND better looked after. My experience of young people these days is that they are generally much more self aware and are attuned to different people's social tolerance.

It sounds like your daughter felt it was a safe risk to go along with the invite because she was reassured her brother would look out for her in a meaningful way (i.e. he would effectively be sacrificing his night out with her attendance). It doesn't sound like he was clear that he'll be carrying on his night out almost exactly as if she wasn't there or that he had been clear about what to expect. He was the only one who both knew his sister's life experience and personality AND knew what the night out would be like.

Your daughter did the right thing for her and got away. Your son has realised it's not for him to be "babysitting" his sister.

Lessons learned all round.

Sorry your son and his girlfriend are
in the wrong. He was hosting her and said he would look after her. I moved to London when I was 22 and when I went clubbing with friends you stayed together. It's the code. Anything could have happened to a young girl seemingly on her own in a club. When my older sister visited (she lived in a tiny village and was not used to clubs or big cities) I would not have dreamt of leaving her on her own in a club. Your son owes her an apology.

Are you serious?

I think you underestimate the life of a 19 year old who doesn't know London.

You make it sound 'oh so simple' just get a cab.

When I first arrived in London, I didn't even know that you could hail a cab on the opposite side of the road to where you wanted to travel.

And I was in my 20s.

It's actually quite daunting getting in a cab on your own late at night (assaults do happen) and certainly Uber doesn't have a good reputation for looking after women on their own.

The best way to learn is with a friend or someone who's more experienced, not on your own late at night.

You didn't seem to care if your son was ok..

Gently, I think your daughter needs to gain experience of life and toughen up. You say she is on a gap year - well uni is going to be every bit as tricky to navigate as this. You have to trust that they will handle themselves responsibly and yes you will have times when you are not sure they can, when you are aware that things could have gone wrong and you are hugely relieved to hear from them on a Sunday morning after a big Saturday night. But she will not be looked after all the time - she is responsible for looking after herself and this was just a blip on the road to being able to do that. Your overreaction says a lot. You need to prepare yourself for the next few years because there will be a lot of this.

Was the son supposed to follow her into the bathroom? She went to the bathroom with someone, got scared and panicked, and left the club without telling him. There's a difference between keeping an eye on her and never letting her leave his sight and hold her hand because the world is scary. If a friend took a bit to get back to me i would assume that they went for another drink or bumped into someone and was chatting with them. Not that they freaked out over drugs in a bathroom.

Naive to think "no drugs" practically anywhere these days. I've seen people openly snorting coke in the bogs at a formal dinner & dance held in the town hall of my small market town, and at a party at a village rugby club.

I also think it was unwise not to have a plan B in case they got separated, it happens so easily in a crowded club. Uber or taxi numbers on her phone would have meant she could have made her own way back to the hotel safely.

There's a huge difference between being cool and streetwise and being unable to get a taxi because you don't know how.

Why is it the sons failing and not the parents?

If you know your 19 year old is that inexperienced and naive and doesn't know how to call a cab, why is it appropriate to not show her how and give her a plan on what to do should she become separated? Especially as its the first time in a club?

She shouldn't need babysitting at 19 and the care passed over to her brother. What happens when she gets a job and goes for a night out and leaves the people she is with again? Is her Mom going to phone her employer and be furious at them too?!

I agree I think the daughter needs some basic life skills and fast.

This. Doesn't sound like he did anything wrong. Did he go looking for her eventually?

You do need to encourage your daughter to build some independence and resilience though.

That's not something to aspire to these days.

It wasn't even when your MIL was growing up.

Your comparison is just plain daft.

You can't compare going out with a brother and going out with colleagues.

Come on.....