Lost expensive heirloom - help me have perspective

[Randydia]

My grandmother left me a piece of jewellery in her will. 5 years ago it was valued at a remarkable £25k. She had requested I keep it and sell it were I ever to find myself in a difficult position - bad marriage, illness etc. I have been fortunate to never have come close to needing to sell it.

Horrendously, I lost this piece of jewellery. Well DH’s carelessness (honest mistake) meant that it is lost forever. This happened months ago but I feel awful about it.

I remind myself that my loved ones have their health right now (touch wood), I am healthy, we can pay our bills each month etc. But I do get waves of “grief” almost.

I have a pit in my stomach in bed right now. Would appreciate any comforting words to be honest with you. It’s just an object.

Has anyone else come to terms with losing a treasured possession?

Is it definitely gone forever, or just mislaid in your house? Or, forgive the cynicism, has your DH sold it?

I don't think you're upset about losing the object, I think you're upset about losing £25k and who can blame you?! Anyone would be upset by that.

I think you have to grieve the loss, be angry/upset/sick for a bit and then just accept what's happened. It's gone. You can only deal with situation as it is and move forward from what you have now.

The good thing is you didn't earn that £25k and you don't desperately need it and both should make the loss slightly easier.

Was it insured?

Surely it was insured ?

Have you claimed on your insurance?
Did you have it insured as a stand alone item? I'm guessing yes if it was so valuable and small.
Even though you no longer have the item you should be able to keep the money for the reasons you were originally given the item.

I understand that's gut wrenching. I've lost a few things probably not worth £25k. I lost an engagement ring once but found it 10 years later under a cupboard it was a diamond ring worth 2k. My childhood home burnt down with everything we owned. Memories that were irreplaceable no getting them back. You've just got to let it go unfortunately.

No stupidly I assumed home insurance was adequate. But our claim was refused

How long ago was it lost and why are you so certain it's lost forever?

I think it's completely understandable to feel sick about it. I almost everyone would. I think it's something that will always annoy you but over time it won't feel as bad.

Why did it leave the house? Any chance you DH sold it because of something like gambling? Anything small that's worth a lot needs to be specifically added to horne insurance and value included. I lost my wedding ring years ago, worth a lot less than that, I wa gutted both for the value and the sentimental reasons, didn't even occur to me to claim on house insurance, I did talk to them at the renewal hence finding out I should have added it to the policy.

Every day on the news we see homes destroyed and lives lost due to bombs/tornados/floods. It's only a piece of jewellery, as you say you and your family are safe and well and you don't really need the money. Be grateful for that.

Seeing my house burn down at a young age made me realise this. It's the one positive thing from it. I view life from a mostly Buddhist way and try not to have attachments.

I’m upset because of the monetary value of course but also because the object represented my grandmother looking out for me. Even after her passing. I would look it and see my grandmother’s hand of protection.

yes a valuable piece of jewellery was hoovered up and subsequently emptied into the waste bin

i can absolutely understand why you are so upset - but what would your grandma think about it all? Sometimes things happen for a reason - maybe she knows you will never need that 25k and someone who truly does might get the jewellery?

How are you certain that it will never be found?

My DM put her DGMs ring in a sock in her drawer for safe keeping. A long time later she had a clear out and you can guess what happened. It might not have been worth much in monetary value but she feels very guilty about letting her own DM down by losing it.

I know she still feels ill when she thinks about it. You might always get that pang when you remember what happened, and I think it’s ok to allow yourself that Grace.

Your gran wouldn't have wanted you to be upset about it I'm sure. And these things are always valued higher for insurance than for what they'd actually sell for. Obviously it's still gutting that it's gone and that it wasn't insured properly, but both were mistakes made by your DH and the latter by you, and you need to forgive yourselves and move past feeling bereft. It's only jewellery and not your grandma. She's still representing everything she ever did you through your memories and her place in your heart, not through things. But if you need things to help, maybe have a nice photo of her framed or get some other memento that has associations with things she liked or places you went together. Losing it doesn't change her love and how she looked out for you, and both things would mean she'd be understanding and not want this to be a sadness for you.

Bad things happen. If you'd had a house fire, or been burgled, and you would similarly have lost it and you may not have been covered by insurance then either. I'd have a similar knot in my stomach were I in your shoes (not least because I could very much do with the money!) but it's not the end of the world.

And at least be happy you're not that bloke in Newport who threw away a hard drive containing half a billions worth of bitcoin.

That's hard. I lost a ring through my own carelessness, not worth anything like that much but it was valuable. It's less painful because it was my own fault. It's really hard when someone else hurts you through just being thoughtless.

You're going to have to find a way to forgive him and move on. It really is just a thing. I'd try to focus on whatever good qualities you can think of about him.

Oh no 😭😭 I sympathise. I lost my engagement ring which wasn't worth anything like so much but had belonged to my husband's great grandmother and I still feel awful sometimes.
But what I remember is that my mother in law wanted me to have that ring to welcome me to their family and that my husband loves me. I haven't lost all that the ring represented. Hopefully in time you will just remember how your grandmother loved you and feel the love so had for you when you think of it instead of the guilt xxx

What we're the circumstances surrounding DHs carelessness resulting in this item being lost exactly? @Randydia

An "honest mistake" rarely leads to someone else's possession becoming "lost forever", and it is clear that you are avoiding the questions about how it got lost. That is entirely your right. Without that detail however, it is hard to know whether the anxiety you feel in your stomach is actually your body telling you about another problem, a DH problem to be specific.

How was it lost?

Not valuable, but we lost an item that was passed to us as an heirloom. It was given as a Christening gift, and thrown out with the wrapping paper. I feel sad to think of it lying in a rubbish dump, but we chose to be quite pragmatic about it

My friends toddler flushed her v. Expensive wedding ring down the loo. She was terribly upset.

We were burgled, sentimental jewellery including stuff from granny gone. I'm still sad about that.

How is it your husbands fault? What did he do to lose it?

I think it’s also fair to be upset about losing a piece of jewellery that has an emotional connection to a family member irrespective of the value. I have my great nans engagement ring, it’s not worth as much as £25k but if DH did something that meant it was lost forever I’d be devastated!!