Lost expensive heirloom - help me have perspective

[Randydia]

My grandmother left me a piece of jewellery in her will. 5 years ago it was valued at a remarkable £25k. She had requested I keep it and sell it were I ever to find myself in a difficult position - bad marriage, illness etc. I have been fortunate to never have come close to needing to sell it.

Horrendously, I lost this piece of jewellery. Well DH’s carelessness (honest mistake) meant that it is lost forever. This happened months ago but I feel awful about it.

I remind myself that my loved ones have their health right now (touch wood), I am healthy, we can pay our bills each month etc. But I do get waves of “grief” almost.

I have a pit in my stomach in bed right now. Would appreciate any comforting words to be honest with you. It’s just an object.

Has anyone else come to terms with losing a treasured possession?

I genuinely hope that it does turn up, it will be somewhere odd I imagine, my mum lost her late aunts ring years ago, it’s probably between the floorboards of the rooms in the old building they rented at that time, maybe even been found wedged somewhere by now by someone renovating.

In any case hold onto those wonderful memories of your relative and to you and everyone out there, never assign holy status to any objects. If they have monetary value either use or wear them or sell them. All the things you keep for best in cupboards and drawers, use them until they are worn and drink that bottle of brandy you were saving for a special occasion, my dad took possession of that when my nan died, she never did seem to find an occasion special enough, but it’s ok, my mum drank it in secret when she had a drinking problem later on 🙄, waste not want not!

If you do find it sell it, but it’s just an object, it’s the memories of the relative you loved that are important. It’s gone now so just don’t worry, because one day none of these things will matter at all, it will be found by someone who doesn’t have your emotional attachment to it but will just sell it themselves.

Yes, I can understand your feelings. In the chaos of clearing out after mum died, I must have thrown away a box with her diamond earrings that were a gift from my dad in the 70s.

I also inadvertently gave my grandfather's first edition Beatles records to a charity shop.

I also foolishly once took £2500 cash on holiday (why??) and dropped the wallet on the aircraft and BA was unable to find it even though I reported it within 30 min of disembarking.

The pain and sick-stomach feelings do go away. I still feel exasperated with myself and all that chaos but now that I am over 60 I see how material goods ebb and flow through our lives and we can't always control their fate. We do what we can. Something good will come your way to replace this loss.

Not minimizing; it's a horrible feeling. But it will ease. 💐💐💐

Related: a good friend decided to get to know her extended family better so she generously held a big BBQ in her garden and invited distant cousins, etc.

After they left she found precious rings missing from a tray atop a dresser in her bedroom. They had belonged to her dear grandmother (other side of the family) with whom she was extremely close. They were among her most precious possessions.

She kicked herself for not locking valuables away and for trusting these virtual strangers in her home. She also felt immensely betrayed that her nice gesture was repaid with thievery. It was hard but she is ok now. She still has her memories of her grandmother and their lovely relationship.

Have you checked local pawn shops?
What was your DH explanation?

I wore my grandmothers platinum diamond engagement ring everyday for 37 years, until one day I woke up & it was gone. The previous day I had been to the funeral directors to finalise my mother’s funeral & it was freezing cold & I wore tight gloves. I can only think it came off when I took my gloves off. This was in 2018 & I was devastated, not because it was worth a significant amount of money but for sentimental reasons. I still think about it frequently. The insurance man brought two cases of rings when he visited & couldn’t understand why I couldn’t chose one. I didn’t want another diamond ring, I wanted my grandmothers. So I understand your grief.

I know I am a bit late to this thread but I just wanted to say my heart absolutely goes out to you....and yes it has happened to me, and of course I was absolutely devastated.

A little bit of backstory: my whole life I was told off for being careless and losing things, amongst many other negatively perceived personality traits. I had a neurodiversity diagnosis as an adult and that helped me to make sense of it.

However, a few years prior to that diagnosis I received a very valuable piece of jewellery from a beloved deceased family member and irretrievably lost it.

I think for me what worked was being really kind to myself, reminding myself how many challenges I have overcome due to what is essentially a developmental disability. Of course you may not have any kind of neurodiverse diagnosis but the thing that you are going to tell yourself kindly doesn't necessarily have to be in connection with the action of losing the item, even though it was for me. I'm sure there are any number of "brilliantnesses" in your life, personality and character that you can remind yourself about!!

Now in situations like ours, sometimes the hurt can be connected to feeling that you have failed the person who originally gave you the gift. And if you don't mind, I'd like to tell you something that I found helpful here:

I once read a description of heaven as being a place where our personalities were essentially who we are, but all the obstacles, hindrances and challenges that make up our day-to-day lives are taken away from us, and thus we can see clearly. Now, I am not a Christian and do not believe in heaven, but I have adapted that to imagine that if my deceased relative was in communication with me over the loss of this gift, they would have had to pass through one of the biggest changes in life, which is death, and because of going through that big change, it could be said that the obstacles had been taken away from their eyes and they could see clearly and be the best version of themselves.

So in this context, whilst my relative may have bemoaned my carelessness when they were alive, I ultimately believe that they are such a loving person that if the obstacles of life were taken away from them and they could see clearly, they would be throwing me so much love, compassion and forgiveness and desperately wanting me to take that on board. Because the 'bemoaning my carelessness' part would have been because of a myriad of reasons that are connected to the obstacles that life places in front of us: the belief that certain things have a value when ultimately they don't, concerns about my ability to survive in life if I am careless, their own guilt because they gave it to me and not to a different family member, or even the unrelated fact that they found out on a Monday morning when their tax return was due!!

Whereas if the obstacles were taken away and they could see clearly, they would be able to explain to me that rocks from the ground are really no more or less valuable than a flower, my adorable kiddo's curls, or my friend's palpable, chatty joy in her new career-change course.

If the obstacles were taken away and they could see clearly, they would be able to explain to me that the love that inspired the gift was absolutely the only important thing about it and that that love is immutable, ceaseless in its impact on my life and personality, and will never ever, ever be lost.

P.s. It helped me to literally imagine them sitting on the end of my bed and hugging me, and to try to actually imagine the sound of their voice, their intonation and the words that they would use. As an added bonus: In a "Hilary Mantel" sense (her memoir "Giving Up the Ghost"), once you've imagined into being your lovely grandma on the end of your bed, manifesting the most loving version of herself, she may stick around and come to personify the kind voice that you direct at yourself in future.

If it's lost isn't there an insurance claim?

Op said it was refused.
If it helps (probably not) it is unlikely to have been worth £25k. The jewelers value for Insurance purposes rather han retail value .
When my Mum died I had all her rings valued and they came out to be worth £30k in total BUT if we tried to sell them we would probably be lucky to get more than £10k.
Its still upsetting though I am sure as there is sentimental value there too

This sort of thing needs to be mentioned as a single item on your house insurance policy otherwise they are unlikely to accept the claim.

What happened to it?

I have my grandmothers ring, not worth anywhere near £25K but very previous to me, thought I had lost it in the house once, I was sick to my stomach but thankfully found it under the bed

Are you sure it’s lost? You never know it might turn up

Probably the £25k was an insurance valuation. That’s not the same as what you would get if you sold it. It’s how much you would have to pay to replace it.

It sounds like you're most upset at losing the security the heirloom is supposed to provide, rather than the item itself, and as others have said, it's highly unlikely that you'd have been able to sell it for the £25k value.

Could you create that security for yourself another way?

If your are looking for comforting thoughts:

If you would not have sold it, the monetary value is irrelevant. In one sense it has no value. It would not have been sold.

Sentimental value: your grandmother clearly cared for you. Would she want you to blame yourself or would she comfort you?

I really feel for you, I can imagine the feeling in your stomach.

I'd suggest trying to remember the sentiment of it hasn't been lost. Your grandmother got to feel in her final years that she would be looking after you by leaving it to you and you can never lose that she had that. You can also never lose the fact that she loved you so much she wanted that protection and safety for you - the fact the item is gone doesn't mean that her hand of protection was less meaningful in terms of intent.

Can you find another way of remembering her love and hand of protection, another possession or a card or something?

It sounds a bit woo but I'd just try and feel the feelings of grief around losing the item: Take some deep breaths, put your hand on your body where you feel the grief feeling (eg your stomach or your heart) and just let that feeling be without overthinking or assigning blame or guilt to the situation, keep taking deep breaths. Then think about your grandmother and all the love that she had for you that can never be lost. I'd do that every time you feel the anxiety of the loss of the item and hopefully the feelings around it will ease up.

Why wasn't insured or in a safety deposit box.

I lost a Victorian gold chain and cross that my mum left to me. I came to the point where I’d accepted I’d never see it again. But five years later I did find it, it had slipped through my very messy “floordrobe” and was lying serenely on the floor.

Is there any chance at all you can get it back? Do you have an inkling where you last saw it and where it might be? Have you looked online for it?

I was given 2 rosary cross necklaces handed down from my great grandmother who was a nun and adopted my grandmother. They got lost when i moved about a lot. They may or may not have been worth a lot as i dont know what they were made of but they were very old, i often wonder where they went and feel gutted that i was not able to look after them better.

My teacher years ago who i was close to and pretty much saved me from going off the rails as a teenager was also into antiques, she gave me a flower shaped ring with garnet stones in which i wore all the time that was quite old and handmade. When working in McDonalds as a 17 year old my locker was broken into and all rings i took off for work was stolen. I could never bring myself to tell her even though we kept in touch till she died a few years ago..

That's so unhelpful. It wasn't and it wasn't . The OP is feeling sad/ upset so posting this kind of message is just mean .

We’ve just had to sell some family stuff and there are definitely pangs.

I once lost a diamond solitaire off a chain - I came back from walking the dogs, checked my hair in the mirror by the door, and noticed the setting was empty. It had both sentimental and actual value, and I felt as if I'd been punched in the stomach. There was no point even looking for it, as I'd walked several miles around a forest. A good friend talked me down, telling me that the stone had been in the earth, was now probably back in the earth, and to thank it for the few years it had been round my neck.

Two weeks later, I was hoovering and saw what I thought was a cheap diamanté sparkling between two tiles. It was my diamond. So don't give up. It may yet still come back to you. Your grandmother hasn't stopped looking out for you just because you're not wearing her ring, or whatever it is.

on another level, I'll forever regret sending some bits and pieces from my parents' house to the local auction after they died - big old Victorian chests that I just didn't have room for and neither did any of my cousins, but I still wish I'd built an extension for a forbidding old oak cupboard managed to find space. I have to remind myself that I love buying other people's unwanted treasure in sales, so they're starting a new life somewhere else.

My grandmother gave me a diamond ring which I now think was her engagement ring. I lost it playing on waste ground with my sister, after wearing it to show my aunt. I still wonder where it ended up.

so sorry you’re going through this, that must feel really heavy. Did you ever manage to find it, or is it definitely gone? I can completely understand why it hurts so much, especially when it carried both sentimental and practical meaning 😥