Traumatised after viewing loved ones body in coffin

[Kiski39]

Today I went with my mum to view her partners body. He had cancer and his death was expected but came sooner than we had anticipated.
I only did it to support my mum, and I now can't get the image of him in the coffin lifeless out of my head. I've cried all day and it's now haunting me trying to get to sleep. I wish I hadn't done it and just remembered him as the amazing funny man he was. How do I get over this? I feel awful.

Yanbu. I've only seen one loved like that and I'll never do it again. The image haunts me, it certainly didn't give me any closure. I just try to focus on the beautiful pictures of him that I have. I'm so sorry for you both. 💐

That was a very courageous thing for you to do and support your mum. I'm sure she really appreciates you being there for her at this difficult time. I would say given that you only saw this today it's unsurprising that the image is replaying in your mind as it was doubtless very upsetting.
I imagine with time the image and the distress associated with it will fade and the more positive memories will become more powerful again. Please be patient with yourself and your mind, grief is so tough, do whatever you can to get through.

It’s awful, isn’t it? I hear you.

I’m afraid to say I felt the same after visiting my dad in support of my brother who wanted to go. Some of the visuals have never left me, particularly his hands. But it does get easier and less overwhelming. Just take your time and go easy on yourself.

I completely agree with you, I still wish I hadn’t seen my mum’s body. I fell for the “you’ll regret it if you don’t” pressure.

I didn't go to see my parents' bodies, didn't wish to at all, but did accompany my DH when he wanted to see his parents.
While I was very upset that they had died because they were lovely people I didn't find it upsetting to see their bodies - the people that I had known simply weren't there any more. The animation, the spirit, had gone and what was left, though it sounds callous, might as well have been a waxwork.

what was left, though it sounds callous, might as well have been a waxwork.
That’s exactly it. But that’s the actual horror of it.

Time heals all wounds.

It was lovely of you to support your mum. My experiences are that I don't forget, but the memories of them as I loved them, are more powerful, with time.

I’ve been there too.

When my friend was considering going to the chapel of rest I had a very frank conversation with her about it - mentioning how people who have passed actually look, at that point, to try and prepare her if she chose to go. It’s one of those things where you only get one opportunity to go (or not go) so the decision really has to be the right one. She went, thought she was prepared, and hated it.

I’ve been twice. Once was for a really traumatic death when I found a relative dead who was previously healthy. My parents were adamant it would bring me closure. It didn’t. It made it worse. However, I never think about it now really, years on, and when I do recollect it, it isn’t embedded as a traumatic memory anymore. I guess that’s the passage of time.

The second time was more accidental - I’d agreed to go to the chapel of rest to support my mother after the death of my grandma but not to go in the room. I literally took a wrong turn going to the bathroom and the door was open, so I went in. She looked peaceful. Happy even. That was a much more pleasant memory than the last, and not at all traumatic.

My grandad passed soon after. My family expected me to go to the chapel (it kind of is an expectation in our family, culturally). I declined and don’t regret it one bit.

I don’t think I’ll ever go to one again. On balance, it’s not something you really need to see.

☹️ sorry to hear that op. I remember seeing my grandad when he'd just died at the care home. I went with my mum as she'd just got the call. It took me a while to get over seeing him like that. Give it time

There's a thing about playing Tetris can help after a trauma

www.healio.com/news/psychiatry/20230613/playing-tetris-may-prevent-ptsd-after-traumatic-event

Personally if it was me I would try it as it can't hurt, and then I would look at as many nice photos of him as I could to bring back solid happy memories

It does fade, I promise. I had it with seeing my mum die

I was brought up RC & viewing the deceased & having them at home in the days before the funeral was the norm when I was growing up.

My uncle by marriage was the first deceased person I saw aged around 18 & I got a proper shock. Then one of my aunts said ‘ he looks just like himself doesn’t he?’ He really didn’t. It haunted me for a while. I was much more prepared when my GPs passed but I was 33 & 37 when we lost them. My memories are of them happy & full of life.

Not a nice experience for you OP but the memories will lessen over time & you should try to remember him as he was in life. Look at photos with your mum. So sorry for your loss ❤️

I feel for you, it does stay with you. When my aunt died, my mum WhatsApped me a picture of her body without any warning; it was such a shock to open that unexpectedly and I can’t unsee it.

Hi, I have seen 3 people in their coffins and all 3 times they just looked like shells, and not themselves. It helped me see that wherever they were now,.they certainly weren't in their coffin. It helped me to be honest. I hope you can recover OP. My condolences.

I was with my Nan when she died and made the mistake of going back into the room again after I’d come out to call my Dh, the rest of my family came out after me which I wasn’t expecting so I rushed back in as I’d felt like I’d not said goodbye. Biggest regret I have going back in and seeing her alone in the hospital bed without the support of my family with me. I vowed that I’d never do that again.

Unfortunately I had to when my MIL died. We got there about 15 mins too late and DH wanted to go and see her but couldn’t bear to go alone so I went with him. I hated every second of it but I did it for him and don’t regret going with him for that.

Sorry, I pressed post too soon, I wanted to add I’m so sorry for your loss. It does get easier with time, the happy memories overtake the sight of seeing them but in my experience it does stay with you.

I got so much stick from my family for choosing not to view my mum after she died. Me and her used to talk about it when she was alive, and she knew that it was not something I felt I wanted to do. She understood, and I've never regretted my decision.

Op, I come from a culture where open caskets are the norm.
When I was little my mother took me to the wake of a relative and I didn’t want to see him in the coffin. She said to simply imagine he was sleeping.
i know you are disturbed now by what you have seen, it’s probably because you are not used to it. It will pass.

@Kiski39

the first person I saw was my Aunt, when I was 13. My cousin wanted to see her Mum, but would only go in if I went with with her. I lived my aunt & we were close, but I was a bit hesitant. There was no pressure either way from any of the adults, but my Dad said to me me 'what are you scared of love? aunty E wouldn't hurt you when she was alive, what's there to be scared of?

so I went in, it helped my cousin & it helped me. It was a relative a year until I was 19 and sadly more since then. Including my Dad 🥲.

it's always the first image I have of them for a while, but over time that does change and the first image is replaced by a nice one of them

time will get you over this. If you can cope with it, have a photo that you like of him & keep looking at it, hopefully that'll help you replace your first image faster.

lots of love

This. It's astonishing how much they are the person you love, and yet they really are not at all and the person is gone.

I did find OP that looking at treasured photos and video, if you have any, helped. That's the real person there.

I went with my mum to see my dad. He had died unexpectedly while away from home so she needed to see him to see he was gone. It was awful, she had a mirror to put under his nose because apparently if someone is not really dead you can see the mirror fog up slightly. She was worried they had it wrong and needed to check. He was dressed nicely and looked like he was sleeping but he was cold. I try not to remember him like that.

Your mum will have appreciated your support though must have been a shock for you if it's not the norm.

I grew up where open coffins are the norm so I'm used to seeing the deceased laid out so it's not a shock for me.

Give yourself time to come to terms with it and be kind to yourself.

I was with my grandad when he died. I had a photo I loved of him and me a few years earlier and every time I thought of him at the end (both final week and after he'd died) I thought of that photo and it helped me. When my grandma died mum asked me if I wanted to visit her body and I said no, I don't think it would have brought me any comfort. I hope you are ok x

My DP and his sister refused to go and see their mum in that scenario. Their dad went several times, and found it helpful, but they both knew that they wouldn't.

My family is Irish, when you go for the wake it is pretty well always open coffin, people chatting and consoling and the deceased on full view in the midst of it. Neighbours friends and family arrive, pay respect to the loved one and touch if ithey wish. Means the Irish are brought up with no fear of a dead body and therefore no trauma. Muslim countries carry bodies through the street on view.
Think our modern avoidance of death, in the uk means that we are traumatised by what is a Perfectly natural state. Sorry you have been upset op, but there is nothing to fear from the dead
Also wakes and funerals are done very quickly, non of this two or three weeks we have to endure when we lose someone.