Traumatised after viewing loved ones body in coffin

[Kiski39]

Today I went with my mum to view her partners body. He had cancer and his death was expected but came sooner than we had anticipated.
I only did it to support my mum, and I now can't get the image of him in the coffin lifeless out of my head. I've cried all day and it's now haunting me trying to get to sleep. I wish I hadn't done it and just remembered him as the amazing funny man he was. How do I get over this? I feel awful.

I couldn’t face seeing any of my family in coffins.

My DM went to a funeral of a colleague who died suddenly aged 36/37. Due to his culture and religion, his coffin was open during the funeral. People like aunts, cousins were crying over it and kissing his hands which they lifted from the coffin.

DM and fellow colleagues (plus former ones) couldn’t do that

I completely disagree when people say this.

I agree with other posters, looking at old photos helped replace the image with memories of happier times.

I prefer seeing the bodies and time has healed all for me.
But if I lost a child then all bets would be off with this.

Oh you poor thing. I’ve done this twice, once with a grandparent and once with a sibling. Absolutely never again. Echoing someone above about the pressure you feel to go.
If it’s any help, the memory does fade with time and it gets less traumatic. Be kind to yourself and hope your mum is okay as well ❤️

I’ve seen 4 people very soon after they’d died - both parents, an aunt, and a friend. They just looked as if they were asleep. I didn’t see any of them later, and wouldn’t have wanted to.
My sister, who didn’t see DF shortly afterwards, went to see him some days later, and afterwards said she wished she hadn’t - he did look so very dead.

It's devastating. Wholly and truly

This whole 'I'm Irish' bollocks - you know what, so am I - Irish mother (born in Ireland to Irish parents). Even then, none of my Irish side have done the whole open casket stuff. Yeah, it might happen, but it's not de rigour, and it doesn't mean that you have to be ok with seeing a dead body - especially when the death was before its time or of someone you deeply loved. Frankly, if you're OK with it, I'd question what your problem was.

This.
"You will get closure"
I didnt

"It's not upsetting its beautiful and peaceful"
It's not

And the worst
"Oh doesn't she look lovely"
No she doesn't, she looks dead. She looks nothing like herself.

I knew I would hate it. I knew I wouldnt take comfort from it.
And worse, I now have to deal with feeling guilty for feeling repulsed and horrified by my loved ones poor body, when I am supposed to love them.

Quite. It broke my heart even more than the death did. I saw the body under some pressure. I wish I'd been stronger and defied.

Seeing and saying goodbye to a loved one at the funeral directors Chapel of rest is not devastating for everyone.

I've literally never been at a closed casket pre-funeral. I've only heard of them where someone has been badly disfigured due to the cause of death. So certainly in my part of Ireland they are and have been open casket viewings since I was a child. This included everyone from my twenty year old friend to folk in their nineties. BUT the exception I can imagine might be a child's funeral. I've never been at one and I pray God I never will be.

It's not my intention to offend people it's just standard practice here. My point was really that people here seem less traumatised in general by open caskets maybe because it's been standard protocol all our lives. I can still see how even here a particular image might shock someone. I'm sorry if people were left with terrible distressing images that must be awful. I hope those memories fade somewhat in time 😢 🙏

My Dad always told me never to view a body as it can be your past memory rather than remembering the person alive. I have only ever seen one body and won’t go to see any if possible. My mum went to see my Gran and my Dad and said she could ‘smell death’ each time. My dad says his past memory of his mother is harrowing as she died from brain cancer and they had shaved her head.

Sorry for you loss.
I was holding the hands of DGran and both DPs when they died, and they just didn't look like the vibrant people I loved. I felt no need to visit their bodies at the funeral directors as I'd been with them when their spirit left with their last breath.
Going through old photos to prepare their eulogies helped me replace the image in my mind of their final moments with some better cherished memories of happier times. It's still raw for you but sad memories will fade with time and I hope you will find comfort in happier memories.

But it is for some. Being Irish isn't a qualifier for being OK with dead bodies. I saw my nephew in the COR. He still looked like he always did. Absolutely beautiful. Didn't make it any more acceptable. What's your point?

Maybe I'm sick in the head but I've seen all my close relatives who passed away at the chapel of rest. A few moments with them alone to say goodbye. For the ones who passed away suffering and in lots of pain it felt calming to see them finally at peace.

Its not about the image FFS. Have you ever lost anyone close to you, or lost someone before their time?

I'm not Irish

Good for you. Enjoy your lack of empathy.

@Viewfrommyhouse My point is that everyone has their own way of dealing with grief. I'm not here to judge anybody. When I was 14 my grandfather passed away from a heart attack. Unfortunately I'd not seen him for over a year because of my parents divorce. He was the most wonderful man I still miss him now. I wasn't allowed to see him at the chapel because I was deemed too young. But I really wanted to see him and tell him how much I loved him. I know he was just a dead body but in my head he was still there resting.

I think you have the right attitude to death and mourning , it sounds quite comforting.
I can't bare the ridiculously long stressful limbo between death and funeral, it is torture ,I would so much prefer the option of a promt funeral.

I'm sorry if that was how I came across. You don't know me so I'll ignore that comment.

You're lashing out at the wrong people here. Of course I've lost people close to me I'm nearly 50. The youngest was twenty. And all the closest I have kissed their cheek or forehead goodbye as they lay in their casket from my childhood to my adulthood. I have been with a couple till the very end of their life and I have been there after their passing.

Your grief is clear but getting angry at respectful strangers won't ease it. Death is unfair and only sometimes welcome. We all suffer loss and you are no exception to that loss. I'm sorry for your pain.

For me the rituals of grief here make those first few days after go easier. For example we bury folk quickly so they're not expected to go back to work between the death and the burial. That's all I'm saying.

And for some people on the thread it IS about the images - the thread is full of folk saying they wish they had kept a living memory as their last. I've never had any regrets so my experience is different.

Losing a young person - a young adult in my experience - is fucking horrific in every single way. Having them in an open casket makes it no easier. Good for you if it did. How, I'm not sure, but good for you anyway. But patronising other people because it's what your used to is shitty. It's almost odd that you can reconcile the premature death of a young person like that. Love that for you though.

I'm not sure why you are interpreting my post that way but I'll assume it's because you're grieving deeply and I'll say again I'm sorry for your loss. Most of us know that pain and we all do the best we can to survive it in the best ways we know how.

I wish you and your family well.

Whether a loved one is in an open or closed coffin it doesn't lessen the grief. If you've grown up seeing open coffins then you know what to expect and see it as part of a ritual. You can request to have a closed coffin for a deceased family member if you choose to.

Unfortunately I've had two young family members die within a couple of months, a 21 year by suicide which was traumatic and he was waked at home for three nights in an open coffin and he looked like he was asleep.

A few months later it was a baby girl 23 days old and she was waked in a tiny basket with a cooler underneath her that the hospital supplied. It was very important to her parents that we all got to see her and witness her very short existence as only her parents and grandparents got to see her in hospital before she died. She looked like a little doll.

When I think of them I think of them when they were alive though with the baby it's the photos of her in hospital that first come to mind not my memory of physically seeing her.

OP I hope with time when you think of him you think of him when he was alive and well.