Traumatised after viewing loved ones body in coffin

[Kiski39]

Today I went with my mum to view her partners body. He had cancer and his death was expected but came sooner than we had anticipated.
I only did it to support my mum, and I now can't get the image of him in the coffin lifeless out of my head. I've cried all day and it's now haunting me trying to get to sleep. I wish I hadn't done it and just remembered him as the amazing funny man he was. How do I get over this? I feel awful.

You've just reminded me of a very dear close friend of mine who I went to see at the funeral home. The picture is still vivid when I bring it to mind, although it was 18 years ago. However, it's not something that I do bring to mind much, and in time you will stop recalling it. I remember a sense of it not being her at all anyway. It's like looking at an empty shell, because the soul that makes the person leaves when they die, and that's the part that counts. Try recalling happier times, the last memory will fade in time.

I couldn't sleep last night and while browsing music on YT came across a cover of Adele's When we were young. The song came out when my bff since childhood was dying from cancer. I hadn't heard it yet and she called me urging me to listen to the song as she had just heard it and it reminded her of us. I consider it her last gift to me and I cherish it to this day and had tears streaming down my face last night, listening, and telling her I missed her. Cancer is a fucking bitch.

Bless you , this has brought tears to my eyes.
I went to put ‘Things” in Dad’s coffin , from Family members) and it was a shock how different he looked.
I was left alone too.

What you experienced sounded horrible, but the Undertaker is so used to Death, and we aren’t.

It’s so taboo in English society unlike in Ireland.
🇮🇪🍀

There are many superb medieval English tomb effigies, fully expressing an understanding of death, - the sentiment has been lost over the centuries.

It was very good of you to be such support to your mum @Kiski39 . I've seen a few loved ones in their coffins and they never do look quite as in life, as how could they? The funeral home did a lovely job with my late DH, avoiding the horrible Oompa-Loompa effect that can be part of the cosmetic process, but still not like himself in some essential way. It's the mouth I think, very hard to put in a life-like posture.

The shock will fade with time and your comfort must be your kind action.

Oh poor you x

I would imagine this kind of feeling will be quite normal in the immediate aftermath. If it persists more than a couple of weeks may be worth a chat to GP x

I came to say just this. I think our way of doing things is much healthier than the mainland British way to be honest. At wakes you will see children playing around the coffin and people drinking a cup of tea beside the dead loved one. The one who has died is kept company essentially. There's a comfort in it and it normalises death. The funeral is also conducted quickly. I was horrified how long it took in England.

I probably agree with that. I never saw my mum again after we left her at the hospice - I insisted that her coffin would be closed and I have no idea if anyone went to try to view her (it would have been unsuccessfully) prior to her funeral. None of us who were with her when she died wanted to see her - even when we left her she no longer looked like my mum.

I is a surreal experience.
I remember feeling like i had been shoved across the room seeing a close family member.
I didnt realise the would be right infront of me as I entered the room more the slow walk into it.

Freaked me out for days.

I agree with this. It really shouldn't be this traumatic to see a dead body, but we are so sheltered from everything these days. Things that should be a normal part of life seem unnatural.

I saw my father after he died and I can't say that it affected me in this way. To me, it was like seeing somebody sleeping.

@Kiski39 it was very kind of you to accompany your mum. I am sure your trauma will fade with time.

When my mother died, family did lots of arm-twisting to get me to ‘look at her one final time’. I was told I needed to ‘for closure’ and would ‘bitterly regret’ my refusal. 26 years later, I am still relieved I did not give in, and have no regrets.

Sincere sympathies OP. I had the same experience with a member of my extended family and it resulted in nightmares for a while. It was awful. I’d seen dead bodies before that too and it didn’t trouble me but my loved one was different and seeing him looking like a cheap waxwork was anything but comforting.

It did fade in time and as others have suggested seeing pics of him when he was alive helped.

On another note I find it rather aggravating how these threads always fill up with people usually Irish people, rushing in to tell us how much better their funeral customs supposedly are. It’s arrogant and patronising.

Personally seeing deceased family members would not be for me and the last thing I’d want is to keep a corpse company. I’d rather remember them as they were and wouldn’t want to be viewed myself. And I’m quite happy with not having to attend a funeral in a few days. I like more time to gather myself and arrange things but does that mean that I think that Irish customs are inferior? Not at all. They just aren’t for me. There is no right or wrong here. People should do whatever helps them to process the death and that’s different for everyone and every culture.There’s no superior or inferior yet we always have a plethora of posters eager to tell people that they aren’t mourning in the right way.

And I’ve cared for palliative care patients so well aware of the realities of death that doesn’t mean that I have to want to see dead relatives.

There is nothing 'normal' about seeing your 23yo nephew dead. That should never be 'normal. FRO.

Comforting words but is it true?

I saw my father after he died and I can't say that it affected me in this way. To me, it was like seeing somebody sleeping
I saw my dad after he died in the house I’ve no issue with that , the problem for me was at the undertakers after they’d done a PM .

I've had a bereavement in the last few months and based on previous experiences, did not want to do a viewing nor go to the funeral so did neither, with the full approval of the bereaved spouse.

Talking to family and friends recently because of this, many are saying they wouldn't want a viewing or even a funeral for ourselves and are 100% on board with pure cremation.

However, a few extended family members including people in their early 20s really, really wanted a viewing despite other family members saying that might be distressing and not helpful.

I think viewings and funerals are becoming increasingly outdated in lots of cultures and that isn't a bad thing.

But grief is a funny thing and how people respond and process is very individual.

I'm sorry for your experience, the memory will hopefully fade and if not, you can seek counselling and support.

Nope. 7 years on so far and I still can't talk about it properly.

I've seen my husband and my fathers bodies and both time it was absolutely awful. If I have to I will (I will probably be the family person to see my mum after she dies and have asked if i can help wash her etc) but I would say to anyone that if you don't feel you have to and you dont want to, don't. It perhaps is worse due to my beliefs as to me, the living body and brain is the person and I don't think there's something else that was 'really them'. I saw my dad about half an hour after he died and it was still pretty terrible. I'm glad I was there with my sister but that's the only good thing.

Well done on supporting your mum through a difficult experience. I couldn't do that for my mum. I got to the door of the room and had to stop, but thankfully my aunt went in with her. It's not quite the same as you, but I've been with a couple of close relatives when they died. It was shocking seeing them as just a still body when they'd been so alive with love and gestures and jokes etc. That image does start to fade over time though and happier memories of things they said and did will come back and be more prevalent. Now I'm starting to remember only the scene and remember the presence of the body but less about how the body actually looked. It's been a few years. Distraction and keeping busy really helped me in the early days. Background noise helped me focus on other things. Netflix with its long series and automatically starting the next programme saved me from a lot of long nights. Also seeing photos of them and taking about them meant memories of them living their best life came through. Take it one step at a time OP. Sending you much love. You're going through a hard time, so try to find small ways to take care of yourself.

Absolutely.

My Mums side of the family is Irish so I was given the choice aged 12 and then at aged 17 to see my Grandparents bodies in the coffin even though my Mum wasn't wanting to and didn't think I should, she was pressured by other family members and by me saying I wanted to.

At least that was in a funeral home but when I was aged 21 my Mums sister died and we did the full on thing that her body was brought home for a wake and it was in my opinion, fucking macabre and distressing for everyone.

After that, My Mum was clear she'd go against cultural expectations and wouldn't want a wake or viewing if it was her. Since pure cremations became a thing she's said she wouldn't even want a funeral and neither would I.

I think they're outdated ideas which cause a lot of distress and become mawkish and for some cultures, including some Irish, a weird day out where people who haven't spoken to the deceased for years turn up to 'pay their respects' when no-one really should care that they did or not, and eat a buffet and often, get a bit pissed and have a sing-song.

I've been to Irish wakes for elderly men who can only be described as having been absolute alcoholic abusive assholes to their wives and their children, sometimes physical and sexual abuse. Where everyone pretends they were great and dedicates songs. I've been to funeral masses where the Priest seems pissed and just making it up as he goes along.

Which costs money the bereaved family can usually not afford.

Of course not.
Young people dying is terrible in any society.
But in England we are very leery about dead people even when they have led a very long life.

When my 92 yr old neighbour died, she said before her death that she “just wanted to be with her Boys”
( Her husband, son and Grandson who pre deceased her)

A crematorium worker I knew ( West London)said it upset the staff when a younger person was cremated.

I agree.
My lovely neighbours lost their son and they were never the same again.
Some losses are just too painful to ever really heal from.

The loss of that person leaves a permanent “scar” like when a tree loses a limb.
The bark can partially cover the wound eventually, but the scar is still visible.

I don’t go and view my dead loved ones. I did it once, but they seldom resemble what you last recall, so it’s not for me. I was there when my Dad died, actually closed his eyes for him, and that was a proper goodbye, we had done all we could to make his last days pain free and surrounded by love. I prefer the memories of fun and laughter, not the final goodbyes, but folks should go with whatever gives them comfort.

I'm so sorry OP. I don't think there's enough warning that this can happen. That people can look very different and that the whole experience can be very disturbing. The only thing I can suggest is that you look at lots of other images of him, photos, videos if you have them and also visualise him alive and well from your memory whenever the thoughts intrude. It will pass in time, but you do have to train your mind a little to replace the bad memory with the good ones.