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Original poster

Traumatised after viewing loved ones body in coffin

151 replies

Kiski39 · 18/10/2024 22:47

Today I went with my mum to view her partners body. He had cancer and his death was expected but came sooner than we had anticipated.
I only did it to support my mum, and I now can't get the image of him in the coffin lifeless out of my head. I've cried all day and it's now haunting me trying to get to sleep. I wish I hadn't done it and just remembered him as the amazing funny man he was. How do I get over this? I feel awful.

OP posts:
TheTwirlyPoos · 18/10/2024 23:29

Oh gosh I remember this feeling so so well
I took my.dad to see my mum in August. I don't know what I was expecting but it was horrendous.

Although I still remember it being horrendous,.the visceral reaction has abated.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I now wouldn't recommend viewing to anyone although I know it's deeply personal.

Love to you all and I'm sorry for your loss.

ProvincialLady24 · 18/10/2024 23:30

Try really hard to push that image away. You don't need to keep it.

OurLadySaphire · 18/10/2024 23:34

I’m sorry. I was with a loved one for only about 5 minutes after they died and I am still haunted by it. For me, I look at photos of them happy and full of life, and try to remember happy times, like a video montage so they are moving and alive.

changedusernameforthis1 · 18/10/2024 23:35

I'm so sorry OP.

I went to visit my Mum in the chapel. I'd seen a deceased body before and genuinely thought I'd be fine. I wanted to see her because I just couldn't accept that she was gone.

It's horrible, and the images that stick with you are too. But for me, the feeling did pass and now I mostly think of her alive when I talk about her.

flosset · 18/10/2024 23:35

I'm Irish and we bring bodies home for a wake as soon as someone dies until they leave for the funeral (funerals happen very quickly here usually within a few days of death) so it's something normal to me as i have grown up going to wakes since I was a kid. Having wakes means the passed person is never left on their own which I find really comforting. It is hard though, especially when the person passes from disease that has had an impact on their body. Try and remember him how he was before. I hope you are ok, give yourself time. Hugs xx

flosset · 18/10/2024 23:36

Mumsgirls · 18/10/2024 23:28

My family is Irish, when you go for the wake it is pretty well always open coffin, people chatting and consoling and the deceased on full view in the midst of it. Neighbours friends and family arrive, pay respect to the loved one and touch if ithey wish. Means the Irish are brought up with no fear of a dead body and therefore no trauma. Muslim countries carry bodies through the street on view.
Think our modern avoidance of death, in the uk means that we are traumatised by what is a Perfectly natural state. Sorry you have been upset op, but there is nothing to fear from the dead
Also wakes and funerals are done very quickly, non of this two or three weeks we have to endure when we lose someone.

Edited

Same. When my dad died (he lived in England) I found it so hard. It took a month for his funeral and I broke my heart at the thought of him all alone in the morgue

Outnumberedmummy2022 · 18/10/2024 23:41

im sorry you are going through this op.

the body is just a vessel to store his beautiful soul. His soul is what made him who he was. You looked at the vessel not at him. He will be in a much happier place ❤️

SleepPrettyDarling · 18/10/2024 23:43

flosset · 18/10/2024 23:35

I'm Irish and we bring bodies home for a wake as soon as someone dies until they leave for the funeral (funerals happen very quickly here usually within a few days of death) so it's something normal to me as i have grown up going to wakes since I was a kid. Having wakes means the passed person is never left on their own which I find really comforting. It is hard though, especially when the person passes from disease that has had an impact on their body. Try and remember him how he was before. I hope you are ok, give yourself time. Hugs xx

Same. Often the family will insist you come in ‘to see him/her.’ It’s considered important, to say a few words (even to say how well they look 🙈). I think if you can bear it, it’s a moment to bear witness to their passing. When I went to the wake of a former colleague, younger, very successful, very loved, and a star in her world, I found it very saddening, but it was important to her mum that I saw her. Her young son was blowing kisses and waving up to heaven. I felt so sad for them all. It was hard for me, but immeasurably harder for them.

Babyghirl · 18/10/2024 23:43

@Kiski39 the reason I never look in to a coffin, would rather remember them how they where.

forgotmypassagain · 18/10/2024 23:45

Catholic here (of Irish descent) and it’s pretty normal to attend wakes and see bodies in caskets. Some look better than others. YANBU to
be upset if it’s not something you’re used to.

nice of you to attend with your mum. Hope you’re feeling better tomorrow x

StarSlinger · 18/10/2024 23:45

I never viewed my mums body, I didn't want that image to be the last one, But that image will fade and you will remember the happier times.

Rosesanddaffs · 18/10/2024 23:50

@Kiski39 Firstly, I’m so sorry for your loss.

It will take some time to get the image out of your head.

When my dad was cremated, my siblings and I stupidly went around the back to watch the cremation.

I wish we hadn’t done that, as that image stayed with me for years.

The tears are normal, it just takes time, sending you hugs xx

Floralnomad · 18/10/2024 23:50

There is literally nothing you can do except resolve never to view another loved one . I viewed my dad in 1990 , he died very suddenly in his early 50s , I’ve never got over it and haven’t viewed anymore loved ones since . I should add that I’m an ex nurse and have seen numerous dead people so not squeamish about death . You have my sympathy @Kiski39 , it’s horrible 💐

LoobyDoop2 · 18/10/2024 23:52

I think it’s really unhelpful to say “this is normal in Irish culture” as if the (presumably) British OP is supposed to learn something from that. That’s Irish culture, that’s fine for you, but it’s not the norm in the UK.

widelegenes · 18/10/2024 23:54

I'm so sorry OP.
You did a very kind thing in supporting your Mum.
I have spent 2 days sitting by the bedside of my dying mother in law. She is not in pain, but looks...well...like death. It will haunt me I know. A good friend advised me to have a photo of her in good health right by me. It will take away the immediate image.

I saw my mother in her coffin. She died of cancer and like MIL looked dreadful at the end. I hadn't planned to see her in the funeral home, but my siblings encouraged me. I wish I hadn't, but I don't regret it or dwell on it because 1) it was my decision to go and 2) regret will eat me up. What troubles me more is that she didn't look like she had in death, but had been made up to look 'better'. It was creepy to me, though I know others find it comforting.

For me it helps me accept that it/was is there time to go.

Cailin66 · 18/10/2024 23:54

When my mother died we cleaned her up, put her back in bed and called the doctor to confirm death, we’d been minding her in turn as she had terminal cancer.

After the doctor left, we, her children and very close relations laughed and cried about her life. Funeral people came next morning, she was returned to us later that day for the wake. That’s where everybody comes to the house. Open casket, my children and other grandchildren could go up and see. Or touch.

Following day removal up the road to the funeral home, my mother had renounced Catholicism. Then you’ve hundreds of people pass thru passing the open casket and shaking hands with the family. Some touch the body etc. Children of course present.

3/4 days in Ireland from death to burial/cremation. The family and community unite to help with the grieving. It’s all so busy and frenetic it’s an immense help. It’s kinda surreal now my remembering going to pick out a coffin the day after she died. But we laughed too. It’s hard to explain it.

Bumcake · 18/10/2024 23:59

I’m so sorry it upset you. Try not to regret it the choice, you did it for your mum and that was kind. In time that image will fade.

Happygogoat · 19/10/2024 00:00

Bless you OP.
I haven’t ever viewed, but when a family member went through this they then struggled with the image after. They found a lovely photo of a treasured memory, and put it as their phone screen saver, on the fridge, in the house etc. Helped the brain place less emphasis on the nasty image and go back to trigger the nicer one.

There isn’t a quick fix but the acute trauma/imagery will fade. It takes time. When my uncle died, for ages the first image of him that came to mind was him in the hospice. My mum said the same (he was her DB). But now that first image in mind is one of him thriving. Be gentle with yourself.

as for tonight, put a film on and just rest, don’t lay there “trying” to sleep. Go easy on yourself xxx

BooneyBeautiful · 19/10/2024 00:02

Hazeltwig · 18/10/2024 23:01

I didn't go to see my parents' bodies, didn't wish to at all, but did accompany my DH when he wanted to see his parents.
While I was very upset that they had died because they were lovely people I didn't find it upsetting to see their bodies - the people that I had known simply weren't there any more. The animation, the spirit, had gone and what was left, though it sounds callous, might as well have been a waxwork.

This is a good description. Many years ago, I accompanied the widower of one of my friends to see her body. She looked just like a waxwork. It's not ever something I would do again. Personally, I think it's much better to have fond memories of the people when they were alive.

TealPoet · 19/10/2024 00:02

You were courageous to do it - I know I never could! Do you have photos of him from the past that you love? Maybe looking at those and really focussing on them would help diminish the negative image? I’m so sorry.

LorettyTen · 19/10/2024 00:04

I really sympathise. I saw my dad in his coffin when I was 14, I felt like it was expected of me. It was just awful. I couldn't get over it. It scared me so much.

sprigatito · 19/10/2024 00:05

Sending you a big squashy hug. It's horrible and it does stick in your mind. I was there when my dad's partner died recently (to support him, he has dementia and is vulnerable). I was so focused on him I was completely unprepared for how it would hit me to see that vibrant, amazing woman turn into an empty husk on a bed. It was so much more upsetting than I could have imagined. It has faded over a few months, that image of her is receding and all my other wonderful memories of her are stronger than that one horrible one. Give yourself time Flowers

Namerchangee · 19/10/2024 00:08

So sorry that you’ve had a tough time with this OP. There really is nothing that can prepare you for seeing that. I recently lost my DF and often the image of him in his hospital bed after he passed will just come unbidden. Instead of pushing it away I try to stay with the image a while and I am actually finding that this helps. I then think of him as he was when he was alive and I will smile at the nice memories I have. You were very brave to support your Mum like that. Take care x

Namerchangee · 19/10/2024 00:11

@widelegenes have just read your post and wanted to say I am thinking of you. Sitting there by the bedside at end of life is so incredibly hard. I hope you are being well supported x

kkLeeNex · 19/10/2024 00:11

Oh OP that was very upsetting I'm sure. What a great support you are to your Mum ❤️
Like many above I'm Irish so death is very normal to me. I've brought my children to wakes from toddler age, it's such a normal part of our culture. I've sat and laughed and cried late into the night in my home and others as we "waked" somebody's passing. It's very spiritual for the Irish which makes it easier in a way. The whole community comes together in a very hurried fashion when someone dies and you are as likely to hear song and laughter as wailing and tears.
Hugs to you OP, you've done a very hard but important thing ❤️