Traumatised after viewing loved ones body in coffin

[Kiski39]

Today I went with my mum to view her partners body. He had cancer and his death was expected but came sooner than we had anticipated.
I only did it to support my mum, and I now can't get the image of him in the coffin lifeless out of my head. I've cried all day and it's now haunting me trying to get to sleep. I wish I hadn't done it and just remembered him as the amazing funny man he was. How do I get over this? I feel awful.

Bless you, so sorry for your loss. I had this with my mum when I was 13. I don’t think I will ever get over seeing her in the coffin but at the time I wanted to see her as much as possible before she was buried. 😞

I had an awful image in my head after my mum's death. The first few nights I couldn't get it of out of my head. It does fade though. You'll get through this OP 💐.

I'm so sorry, OP. I felt exactly the same when I saw my dad after he had died. He died very unexpectedly and by the time he hadn't turned up for work, the police had been called, and he had been found, he had been dead for several hours. I was asked to go to the police station and when I was taken into another room, I really thought I was going to fill in and sign forms so I was completely unprepared to be taken into a room where my dad was lying. He really didn't look like him any more; his face looked waxy and his hair had been combed wrong. It was 35 years ago now but I can still see him lying there.

I was with my mum when she passed away two years ago, and the experience was completely different. She had suffered with dementia and other health issues for several years, and had a stroke three weeks before she died. The hospital staff knew when she was close to dying and my daughter and I were there at the end. She was deeply unconscious, but very peaceful, and her breathing just slowed down and stopped. I think because I was with her and she was still warm, I didn't find it nearly as traumatic as I did with my dad. I was offered the opportunity to see her in the chapel of rest, but I couldn't have faced that. My brother died 12 years ago in Australia, and I went to his funeral with my mum. She was desperate to see him in the funeral home to say goodbye, but I couldn't see him. I think everyone has their own way of coping with death, and there's no wrong or right way. It can be so traumatic.

Sorry you've been upset by it OP. Time will heal I'm sure.
We're often told our funeral traditions are inferior, but I'm glad we get a choice of whether we see the body. If I'd had to have a quickie funeral for dh his family from abroad would have missed it as they had to apply for visas.

I was with my nan when she passed away in hospital. I held her hand when she passed over. I was 18 at the time, my mum couldn't be there because she was ill. After she died I had to identify her in the morgue and I visited her at the funeral directors. It was upsetting but I also felt calm it was strange. I was with her all the time, she wasn't alone. It almost felt like it was my duty to be there if that makes sense.

OP, the one-time memory of your mother’s partner’s corpse won’t overwrite the other memories you have of him. It was good of you to support your mother.
Also, death is not an abnormal state. I had to fight to visit my mother - I now realise because the undertaker was rushed off his feet, January being a busy time, and because I was without other family to back me up - but to me, it was important.
for your mother and you.

I saw a friend who had died when I was a very young teenager.
really regret that.
weirdly when my nan died my best mate worked at the funeral home and heavily advised me not to look as my nan didn’t look great.
such a personal thing but not for me anymore

I found seeing my dad the reverse to this. He looked absolutely lovely and was something I needed to see.

i was with him when he passed and it was quick and brutal and he didn’t look at peace. We couldn’t stay with him while we waited for doctors to certify and in that time he changed a lot in appearance. It was distressing.

Going to see him again made my memory see him looking like my dad.

Unfortunately I’ve seen many deceased people and depending on the passing and how the body looks in passing it may or not be helpful.

You were incredibly brave for your Mum and it would have meant so much to her having you there for that.
However, I have had this awful experience twice in my life and I've never been able to get it out of my head either. My Nan and Grandad (died a few years apart) were very poorly embalmed, so much so that it was extremely shocking to look at them. The same funeral directors were used for them both. I won't go into detail but as someone very familiar with the industry I was completely taken aback. At one viewing I had just backed away in horror when I saw a big spider crawling across the floor. I grabbed a tissue from the box on the table and squashed it. There was no bin so I left the room and said I needed to put a dead spider in the nearest bin. The only person in charge there leapt up on her chair and squealed, she was the one who had cleared the body as acceptable for us to view.
The utter state my grandparent was in, compared to a fucking squashed spider in a tissue...
I'm sorry I can't provide any real advice, but I do know where you're coming from and how that feels.

Time will help. Try to remember them as they were. It's the 3rd anniversary of my mother in law's death today. We weren't there when she died and myself and my 11 year old daughter hadn't been able to visit her in hospital due to covid regulations. My husband didn't want to see her when she had died, but I needed to say goodbye as did my daughter. She had changed so much, but now I can not remember that, instead just the way she was when alive.

The thing you should try to take away from this experience is that it is not him you are burying (or cremating). Everything he is, and was, isn't what's going in the ground (or being cremated). He is not his body nor is he in it. Our bodies are just the vessels that contain who and what we are while they can.

I saw both of my parents after they had died. It was important to me because I just wouldn't have felt closure without it so it really helped (but I didn't expect anyone to accompany me - In the end, Mum was with me when we saw Dad -( it was something she really wanted to do) and my brother was with me when we saw Mum).

Having said that, you didn't do this to help yourself, you did it to help a loved one, which is a really selfless thing to do and I'm really sorry that you're struggling with this. Having said that, I can totally understand that it is a really personal thing - some people are helped by viewing the deceased, but for others, it is traumatic.

All I can suggest, is that you try to imagine your loved one as they were when alive and to also to know that you really helped someone else by viewing the deceased with them.

I saw both of my parents in their bedrooms at their care home about an hour after they passed away, just visited to say good bye (different years but similar situations) but I really wouldn't have wanted to have seen them at the funeral home - I think that sounds very traumatic.

I hope that you feel better about it in time though .

I found it helped to think of the body as just that an empty shell and that the soul is released

Yes I've felt like that too. It's like you can see that their spirit is somewhere else now.

You did a good thing for your mum. It’s very raw now but it will fade as others have said.
I’m Irish Catholic so I have seen quite a few open coffins. I think it’s an easier thing to do when it’s part of a ritual. I remember kissing my grandmother in her coffin and saying prayers over her. I’m lapsed now and I didn’t wholeheartedly believe then, but my nan did, and saying the prayers makes the difference I think, it gives it a purpose. Without that I think it is a very jarring experience and I’m not surprised it is hard for you to process your feelings around it. I think it is a good idea to look at photos of him when he was alive and happy, and try to put the other image out of your mind.

I wasn't with either of my parents when they died (Bloody COVID), which is why, to me, it was helpful to see them.

But I am me and other people have totally different reactions - It's a very personal thing.

You have been a wonderful support to your Mum though. I hope you manage to get past this.

It's completely understandable to feel that way. To see the body when the person has left it, it seems so abnormal and disconcerting.
But it is just a vessel. He has gone to a place of peace now. I'm sorry for your loss. And hope you and your mum can be supportive of eachother. But also maybe some outside the family support, like bereavement counselling?
Please try and just think of him alive and well and happy. Maybe looking at some old pictures might be comforting. I think in future maybe you'll know that viewing the body of someone who passed often can be quite distressing and not always helpful.
I wish you and your mum the best x

Sending a hug to you.

I remember being at the hospital with my DH and his siblings/in laws the morning of his DM's passing.
I was the only one that turned down going in to see my wonderful MIL after she'd died.

I'd sat with her a few days earlier chatting and laughing and that was how I wanted my last memories of her to be.

I am sorry for your family’s loss. Like other posters have said, I would be certain that your mum appreciated you being there.

I have seen some family members like this, mainly cancer and old age. And a much loved family pet.

I was not traumatised at these final stages of viewing the bodies (very sad however). I find reassurance in the thought of loved ones at peace. I always think when it’s time, I feel people would prefer to be remembered for all the beautiful memories and life they shared with loved ones. Not to dwell on what is inevitable for all of us one day.

But it is important for each person to make the decision on whether they do view the body or not, and understand if someone does find it traumatic and would prefer not to. It is a very personal choice and should not have any judgment.

I wish I hadn’t gone to view my Nan at the funeral home. I was with her when she passed away, it was really peaceful, she looked calm. I should have just left the memory like that. But a weekend and a half later her body was not the same. I think they struggled to close her mouth, she looked uncanny. It’s not so much squeamishness, it’s that so much time has passed compared to other countries who have open coffins and bury their dead the same or the next day, not 2 weeks later.

I'm so sorry, OP. It was kind of you to support your mum. I wish there were something I could say to make you feel better, but all I can think of is to tell you to stay strong. Hopefully over time your memory of seeing your mum's partner in the coffin will fade and your memories of the man he truly was will overtake it. Take care of yourself.

This is how I feel about it. Open casket funerals help you process the death I think. I like that you can see their spirit has left, I think when you commit the body to the earth or the flames, then it doesn't feel like it is 'them' just their now empty vessel.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. You were so brave to support your mum like that.

Do you have videos of him? When my much-loved MIL died, I really struggled to remember her in any way than how she'd been at the end as her cancer progressed. Looking at photos was helpful, but videos really made it easier to remember her in happier times. I have a lovely video of her dancing (after a few tipples 😆) around the house with my DS when he was a toddler, and i watched it endlessly in the first few weeks. It really helped me remember not just how she looked, but her energy if that makes sense.

I viewed my mum. I wanted to say goodbye, as I hadn’t seen her in hospital. You do get over it @Kiski39 give it time and be kind to yourself.