To think that friends should always come before partners?

[HonestBrickSquid]

I value my friendships immensely and feel that friends should always take priority over romantic relationships. Is this a reasonable stance, or is it unfair to expect others to put their friends first?

Having read your posts, I think this is a more emotional subject for you than one for detached discussion.

My brother is long-term single and he depends on friendships for his support network. However, he is careful to not put too much expectations on his friends because he realises that their personal lives and romantic interests will take precedence over him. And he has no chance competing against a spouse! And this goes for friends of both genders.

I say this with huge kindness and concern for you - you need to spread out your friendships so that you’re not dependent on a single person or a small group. You also have to give them some flexibility to disappear and reappear, and accept them back without recrimination. People’s families and romances will take priority over friendships, harsh as that may sound. You need to find a way to build your network accepting this fact. It’s not as impossible as it sounds, because my brother has done it

I'd be pissed off if my husband always priorised his friends over me and our kids.

He's never had to choose though fortunately.

you have used “partner” in your title. People are naturally going to equate that to long term live with relationships not “boyfriends”. I have been married over 30 years, together for over 40 years, the people I would ALWAYS ( as per your title) prioritise above my husband are pretty much non existent. There are maybe a handful of people I would sometimes prioritise over my husband depending on the situation but these would generally be family (our children, my parents) possibly a few close friends if they were having a hard time like going through a divorce or illness and it’s difficult to comprehend my husband objecting to that. So no I don’t agree friends should always come before partners, in fact I think that’s completely wrong.

@HonestBrickSquid not really because there is nuance in most situations. If you're talking about your friend never seeing you once she gets into a new relationship then I can understand your point. If you're talking about your friend prioritising her long term partner's 40th birthday over your 37th birthday then I don't understand your point. That's why examples would be helpful. Prioritising one person over everyone else (whether that be friend or partner) is not healthy.

This. depends what you mean by take preference?

When I started dating my DH I did not drop my friends to see him because I love them.

However, now I have a family, its just not practical for me to be hanging out with my mates every weekend at bars and clubs as I used to in my 20s and they cant do that either as they also have family commitments. Therefore, you do see a bit less of your friends when you are in different life stages. That doesnt mean you dont care for them or cant find other ways to keep in contact and meet up though. I'm still great friends with the people I met at school and we are still very close.

I think the father of my children should come first, for both my sake and the sake of my children.

You sound very naive and probably quite young.

I think it depends on your stage in life if your young and single andxuou are friends with someone who regularly drops her friends everytime they gey a new boyfriend, and expect, s ti able, to Pick up the friendship whenever the new relationship ends
Than yes you have a point
But if you are in a long term committed relationship ,of many years standing
Than really your partner should come first.

❓
Too confusing.
As a 45 yo, I prioritise my husband over "friends", who are usually a pain in the arse and energy takers.
But everyone to their own.

I think cancelling pre-arranged plans is rude whether you are cancelling plans with friends or with someone you are in a relationship with, unless the cancellation is due to an emergency.

Do you have a partner, OP?

Married 20 plus years to an amazing man and father of my dc who has shown me nothing but love and support. Yep he comes first no question. Friends have come and gone over the years - he hasn’t.

I think it's necessary to prioritise both. I have never dropped my friends when I've been in relationships but I started to see less of them when I had a boyfriend because I also wanted to see him.

Then I got married/had kids and I see even less of them because it's just not practical. They also have their commitments but we make an effort to put a date in the diary for catch ups. Some friends have moved away so I haven't seen them in years, I've made new friends along the way and the local ones I see more of but not even weekly because it's a juggling act between work, hobbies, husband, kids.

If I had organised a night in with the husband and a friend rang me in floods of tears then I would drop plans with my husband and go and be there for my friend and I would do the same the other way round too.

I would find it strange if my friends who had partners were always trying to spend time with me and not them but I also wouldn't appreciate being entirely dropped for a new boyfriend but I would expect them to see less of me.

Op, I’ve been with my husband since 1995.

My oldest friend and I have been pals since 2006.

Why would I prioritise my friend over my husband every single time?

I value both, but for me my husband will always come first.

This is a lovely post

Friends come and go. DP's been there for me for 43 years andf three children.

I can still make time for and love my friends, but I know where my family is.

It seems you're probably quite young, at the stage where you and your friends are in a dating phase, childless etc. At that stage, yes friends are more important, until the right, long term partner comes along, and even more so if kids come along. At that point, friends are still very important, but shouldn't be prioritised over your partner/spouse (unless partner is expecting something unreasonable in a situation regarding a friend)

Of course that's ridiculous. Even more ridiculous is the unspoken expectation on Mn that it's normal to 'retire' opposite sex friendships once in a relationship, as though There's Only Room For One Man/Woman In Your Life. Part of the 'I only need my own partner/little family' narrative, which goes so far towards explaining why so many posters experience crippling loneliness.

While I've seen less of friends when one or more of us was doing the hellish small baby stage, I still phoned and messaged them. My longterm friendships are very important to me, probably collectively as important as my marriage, and my life would be much the poorer for not having them in it. And probably my marriage would be less strong. It absolutely nourishes a relationship when you both also have input from other people.

There's room for everyone.

Everyone can have their space in your life.

You just have to learn to have a balance. Relationships/friendships change all the time and its important to adapt to changes and not try to hold on to 'the way things were before or how they have always been'.

Also try not to end up in friendships/relationships with people who expect you to have only them as the centre of your life. That's not a good place to be in.

If there’s ever a serious choice, it’s my husband. I would ditch my friends in a heartbeat if he needed me.

Having said that, I’ve never had to make that choice. He and my friends have never been in competition. And he’s never needed me in a friends-ditching situation.

No way, not when you are married and have your own family. Family comes first, always and that includes DH.

For me, my DC come first, then DH, then my parents, then my siblings, then my Dh's parents and siblings.

But good fiends want looking after but they don't come first.

I think they’re both important.

There’s nothing worse than having a friend who falls off the face of the earth the second she’s in a relationship and doesn’t want to make plans or commit to anything that she used to like girls trips, meeting up etc.

I think it’s only a good thing to make sure you still value your friendships when in a relationship and that you nurture them.

DH has been there for me since 1992, but my longterm friendships have outlasted several of my friends' marriages. By my reckoning, spouses and partners come and go, but good friendships last because they don't rely on two people continuing to want to have sex with one another exclusively.

I have 2 friends who always dropped me as soon as a new man appeared in their lives. I was the single friend. They are now acquaintances rather than friends.

I have been with my DH for 22 years, married 20. As ridiculous as it may sound he is my best friend.

I have new, very close, friends and in certain circumstances will choose them over DH, not that I'd need to - he'd be encouraging me/cheering me on.

He has friends that I encourage him to prioritise (because friends are so important). I encourage him to go away for the weekend or to have nights out.

I suppose it depends the length of the relationship or friendship. I’ve been with my DH 14 years and I prioritise him over friends. I’ve had plenty of friends come and go in that time and I genuinely enjoy spending my time with him more. At the start of a relationship I would never of prioritised a boyfriend over friends but things change

I seem to recall a very wise group of feminist philosophers discoursing on this very issue, to wit: "If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get on with my friends. Making love's forever; friendship never ends."

Of course this sagacious aphorism contains a logical fallacy in that it would appear to equate sexual and platonic relationships, as both being timeless and without end.

The philosophers never addressed this fallacy as far as I am aware, although they did also state their intense desire to acquire a zig-a-zig-ah. Perhaps this unusual sounding item offered a solution to the debate.